Will Smith Got it Right

Today's top celebrity news story was about Will Smith's comments regarding Hitler. Here's the quote:

He says, "Even Hitler didn't wake up going, 'Let me do the most evil thing I can do today.'

"I think he woke up in the morning and using a twisted, backwards logic, he set out to do what he thought was 'good.' Stuff like that just needs reprogramming."

There Are No "Bad Guys"

While it is hard to imagine anyone doing anything worse than the methodical torture and slaughter of six million people. But the truth is that he really thought he was helping the world. His fouled up ideology meant that the world needed to be rid of an entire race of human beings. But he loved dogs and was a vegetarian.

He was not born evil. He was not, in fact, purely evil, in spite of having ordered many evil deeds done. But he was like all of us in some ways, a human being trying hard to make the world a better place.

Our Human Nature

It is our human nature to look at people and events with an eye toward discovering who is to blame. We expect to find some kind of closure, some kind of understanding of what has happened by finding a culprit. It helps us reach a kind of conclusion about what happened. "Oh, this happened because of this" ends the discussion on a topic.

What If Things are Not that Simple?

Hitler had to be stopped, no question about that. What he was doing was horrid. And if he had survived to have faced the music, the international tribunals would undoubtedly have chosen to put him to death. Somehow the idea of justice comes with the concept of punishing those who have done evil. I can't see how killing a man for killing six million people is justice. Seems to me therapy would have helped him discover the wrongness of his deeds and then the remainder of his life he would have to live with the consequences of his actions.

But most of us are no Hitlers. While many of us do things that are horrible and must be stopped by someone if we can't stop it ourselves, it doesn't make us evil. Like Hitler we didn't wake up one morning and say, 'Let me do the most evil thing I can do today.' We do what we think is right at the time and then have to live with the outcomes. Sometimes we are right they are good, sometimes not so much.

What do you think?

Is a person evil if they do evil things? Are we good at core led to bad decsions by our life experiences?

Regrets

My daughters were home for the past week or so. My oldest just married in August and she and her husband have been talking a lot about the ideas of having kids. In that process my oldest talked to me about her own upbringing and the many mistakes I made along the way. It was hard to hear. I know logically that it's impossible to raise our kids without wounding them, but hearing exactly how we did it is painful. More than anything, I regret that I was unable to put her needs ahead of mine. I was so focused on getting what I needed that I subjected her to circumstances that injured her. Listening to her talk I felt such enourmous empathy for what she had been through and deeply regretted putting her in those situations.

Empathy for Myself

Enough of my clients have dealt with parents unable to hear how they had damaged their children that I know my merely being able to hear how I wounded her was healing. The hard part was letting it in that even though I did things that hurt her, I was doing the best I could at the time. My wounding from my childhood had set me up to behave as I did. The entire time my children were growing up I was going to therapy and doing what I could to become a better mom and to make better choices. I am still working on making myself a better person. I'd like to be able to continue to parent with more wisdom and self understanding than I have had in the past. That I could not be more when I was younger is not my fault. I've done the best I can to be what my kids needed me to be.

That Doesn't Mean it Doesn't Hurt

My grief over the pain I have caused my kids is immeasurable, not because I feel guilty, but because I wish it had been different for them. They are so amazingly beautiful, brilliant and kind. What more could a mother ask for in a child? Yes, they have their flaws and work they will have to do on themselves, but I can't wait to see what they will become. Even though it hurts to know the pain they have been through, I trust them to go through their process of healing and do the best they can with what they were given, just like I did. Of course it hurts to know the pain they went through and that I had something to do with it. Yet, their path is their path. I know they are strong enough to work through what they need to work through.

I Can Be Here For Them

The beauty of having worked through so much stuff myself, is that now I can be there for them. I can listen to their pain and be available to hear their anger without blaming myself. Whew, it's hard work, but they are so worth it. Having forgiven myself for my mistakes and knowing that I did the best I could I can listen to how my mistakes affected them. I can apologize and offer them support for their pain.

I Can Be Proud of Myself

It makes me proud to know that I can be for them what most parents cannot do for their children. I can validate their pain and I can let them know that it was not okay that they were hurt the way they were. I can let them know what happened to them was not their fault and that I should have been able to protect them better. I can do that without blaming myself, because blaming myself would only focus on me and not focus on helping them deal with what occurred.

Can You Hear Your Kids Pain?

What can you do to get yourself in a place to be able to hear the damage you did to your kids? Ouch. It really hurts, but believe me when I tell you the rewards for doing the work are worth it. Let me know what is going on with you, how you managed to hear your kids or if it was too painful and you rejected what they had to say. I can understand that, too.

Merry Christmas!

There is nothing better than being with family. The memories together, the fun times when every one is laughing and joking around. But there is also nothing more stressful. My daughters and I have been talking about what it is that makes it so stressful.

Expectations

During the holidasy all of us have expectations about what it will be like when we are together. We all want it to be loving, fun and "miraculous". I know how excited I was to have my kids all together under the same roof for the first time in a long while. And it was a lot of fun. Of course, it's gotten very complicated. My oldest daughter has to spend time with her husband's family. MY twins have to spend time with their Dad and his family at their various get togethers. My step children are all obliged to be with thier other family, too. Then of course there is my parents and siblings, and my husbands family and siblings. It gets even more complex when you add in OUR step parents.

During all those get togethers the expectations is that every one will be happy and everyone will get along. Luckily, mostly they do in my family. Too much time together can make it ugly, but the amount of time we end up spending with each of the above groups tends to go smoothly.

Realities

The realities freqently end up quite different than our expectations. And, just becauase of the expectations, we tend to be on edge, trying to control everything to make sure it lives up to those expecations. Attempts at control, however generally lead to disaster since insistance on control is an addiction to a fantasy.

My kids love each other butu don't always communicate that well. I laugh at this since I am supposed to be a communicator, but I have brought up children that don't know how. Communication requires being willing to face inconvienient or unwelcome differences of opinions. My daughters tend to avoid these. Hmmmm, wonder where they got that.

Anger

So many of us are anger phobic. This tends to force us into manipulating the situations around us since being direct could incite someones anger. Then, when someone is unhappy, we are unhappy with them for not going along with the program.

Being willing to listen to another's anger is a gift few of us are capable of giving, yet the bottom line of good communication and good relationships.

Not letting ourselves listen to another's anger is one of the ways we think we are "protecting ourselves".

Jenna and Doug

Jenna was really unhappy with the way Doug was acting when he went to her parents home. Their 3 year old son had gotten in an altercation with his younger cousin, who was about 17 months old. The younger child had taken something from their son and Doug was furions. He could not understand why Jenna's parents didn't jump up and punish the 17 month old for this behavior. Doug was sure that this, like many other instances he could recall, just validated his belief that Jenna's parents favored the 17month old cousin over their 3 year old son.

Jenna could not understand why Doug was so unhappy. She continually told him that he was wrong for feeling the way he did, and expecting unreasonable behavior out of the 17month old.

Then Doug got to what was underneath. Doug had been feeling left out of Jenna's family for a long time. He felt that they had never quite accepted him and he felt hurt and alone at family get togethers.

The consequences of holding back truth

Jenna had thought that Doug was just unreasonable and irrational. She had been uncomfortable for years when they spent time with her family because he had never acted like he wanted to be there. Doug had never told her about his feelings, or the pain that lay underneath. His parents had often left him alone in his bedroom on Christmas day as they drank their way to obliviion.

Jenna gave him the best gift he could have recieved for Chrismas that year. Listening to his wounding and holding bach her reactivity long enough to listen to him allowed her to present a precious gift to him. She gave him compassion.

Santa has had many faces over the years. Find out how he came to be what he is now and if he really judges kids for being "naughty or nice".

 My Fox 4 Interview

My interview aired on Fox 4 news Tuesday, Dec. 18th.  The poll they took online had to have been way off of reality.  EVERY single person I have spoken with about this agrees that intimidating children through fear (of removing their Christmas joy) is a really bad thing and teaches children all the wrong things. 

Children believe what they are told. They believe that Santa can see everything they do and will judge them for it.  Granted there are still people out there that believe in a condemning God that will judge us on everything we do. A forgiving God who let our sins go with Jesus, of course let Christians, off the hook.  Isn’t this what Christmas is supposed to be celebrating? But kids, don’t get let off so easily.  Scared Straight Santa does not forgive.

Responses I have gotten from people who saw the interview:

“Okay, I have one more thing. I think the parents of the kids who got calls should REALLY not get presents under the tree. Desperate measures are necessary at times.

Now I am done!”

“Good for You! “

“I saw this at 5pm. I agree with you - very damaging. Its sad that parents feel like that is the only way they can get the behavior they want out of kids.”

“I have never heard the radio program, but you had a very good point in that he is ignorant as to why kids act out and threatening them is tantamount to bribing, extortion, whatever. It is not a fix for the problem. It is not Santa's job to parent, it's the parent's job! You certainly are in a position to speak, not only from a professional point-of-view, but you have raised three lovely kids.”

“Melody, I watched your interview on line at work and showed our play therapists who work with traumatized children every day. They were totally supportive of you and said they planned to go home and both "vote" and write to the station.

Kudos to you for stepping out on that limb. It is astonishing what people will do for entertainment. “

“It was a thrill to see you in the news segment of Channel 4.(they ran

it several times I think) what I loved about it is how well it was done-- and how you really shone as a beacon - for the advocacy of children.

First, the setting was wonderful- in your home-- with your 3 daughters there-- gave you credibility as a Mom.

Plus, it was relaxed and real.

Then the reporter did a great job of giving you professional credibility-- with you book sitting up on the table and her saying you have written several books in this field.

Next, it was so natural the way you heard the radio segment and reacted to it. Eventually turning it off because of the way it affected the children on the phone- and then being such an advocate for those children that you stepped up and made a point to challenge what the DJ (Scary Santa) was doing every year. It was that old model of getting children to mind their parents by having "Scary Santa" threaten them with no toys for Christmas. And his defense of the premise was that they have done it as a "fun" segment for several years and no one has every complained.

Anyway, you looked gorgeous, you spoke with passion, conviction and reason and you made you point. Plus, you came across as a professional with key points for parents to consider and as a loving mom who cares about her children and all children.

I was so proud of you -- and of the station for featuring that segment -- you made a statement as a COACH about the value and worth of children. “

“I, too, saw the segment and you were awesome: Ginger pinpointed things that

I noticed, too. You made such a good presence and I liked having your family around, too. Thanks for standing up for children. My granddaughter (21) and

I saw it together and she was impressed by your stepping out to express your opinion. “

“You looked good and sounded credible. The risk on these kinds of things is that they edit away and broadcast something out of context making the interviewee look like an idiot. I guess everything you said was on target and there was no choice but to make you a credible professional. They even "summarized" your comments at the end quite well I thought. Good job for speaking out on something that meant a lot to you. “

“You got my vote, Melody! “

“You got my vote! I totally agree with you . . . unfortunately, we live in a society uneducated about the paralyzing effects of our emotional fears that are often formed before we even start school. Then we each continue to stuff our emotional baggage that shows up in every relationship we have: work, play, family, friends. Thank you for raising awareness! “

“I watched the interview and whole heartily agree with you. The fact that the radio station and Zazza think it's ok, does not mean that the act of scaring or threatening children is appropriate behavior for adults. You presented your side with strength and authority. I hope lots of people notified Fox 4 with support for you thinking, as I did. “

“I have never heard the radio program, but you had a very good point in that he is ignorant as to why kids act out and threatening them is tantamount to bribing, extortion, whatever. It is not a fix for the problem. It is not Santa's job to parent, it's the parent's job! You certainly are in a position to speak, not only from a professional point-of-view, but you have raised three lovely kids. “

Let me know what you think. 

I would like to start a campaign to end this nonsense throughout the country.  It’s a very bad idea and kids need to think of Christmas as a time of love and forgiveness, not condemnation

Why all the uproar?

I've read in the paper that the Catholics are up in arms over the release of the movie version of Philip Pullman's The Golden Compass, a children's fantasy book. I wonder if any of them have read the book? I read it a couple of years ago and found it to be a delightful adventure story full of powerful metaphors.

The possibility of the "Magisterium" an authoritarian organisation which restricts freedoms in order to impose its own systems of belief upon the populace representing the Catholic Church is what the uproar is about. But why? If you have read the book and are Catholic, how could you see a church you love as having these qualities? The authoritarian air of the "Magisterium" can represent any organization that has the goal or limiting personal freedoms.

Besides, there are many other movies and stories that specifically target the Catholic church much more directly. How about the Three Musketeers? Or, Joan of Arc? Or, Shogun? Or The Thornbirds? Perhaps it is just because the book and movie has children as it's primary audience?

The story revolves around Lyra a young girl of about 12 that was raised at what appears to be some sort of monastary. She is then captured by an illegal group of perverse individuals whose goal is to separate children from their souls (represented by a "daemon" animal that lives outside their bodies). The adventure ensues as Lyra escapes and works at rescuing the other chiildren in the grips of this group.

The Metaphors

Over the past twenty years I have worked with adults and adolescents that have been abused by parents and other authority figures that have done their level best to remove their souls. As children, they were subjected to all kinds of authoritarian rituals that reduceds them to soulless fractions of the self they were born into.

Through emotional and physical coercive techniques, authoritative parents and organizations of all sorts have required children to give up their SELF in order to not be beaten or even merely rejected. This is what the "Magisterium" represents, not the Catholic (or any other) Church.

I remember sitting in a doctors office waiting room when my kids were small. One mother had a two year old little boy who was sitting next to her. Every time this child wiggled, not misbehaved, but merely wiggled, the woman slapped his arm or his thigh. The little boy had obviously already lost his soul because he didn't even wimper or protest in any way.

Another mother I witnessed in grocery store. She had four children with her ranging in ages from about three to twelve. They were standing quietly all in a line behind her at the check out. I smiled at them and asked their mother how she did that (get her kids to be so cooperative). She looked at me with a steely, dead serious expression and said "You have to break their spirit." The woman appeared normal enough, but the comment sent chills down my spine.

That's what The Golden Compass is about. It's not about the Church. It's about any person or group of people who would attempt to force children (and of course, any of us) into losing our spirit.

Who are the "Bad Guys"?

The authoritarian figures in the story, and in our lives, are the real losers in the book and in life. They have lost their souls so completely as to not care about the emotional and spiritual life of human beings. One can only guess at the horrors that these people must have experienced to have lost their souls so completely.

Believing that there is no one who cares about us or that there is no value to our SELF is what causes us to lose our souls. Any of us who are subjected to these conditions over long enough a period, will lose our souls.

What does it mean to "lose our souls"?

Losing our souls is when we lose connection with our emotional and spiritual life. How much or our life requires us to give up our SELF?

The good news is that we can re-connect with our lost souls. We can re-connnect with our emotions and our spirit. It's not easy, but it is not only possible, its necessary for us to experience joy in our lives.

How do we re-connect with our souls?

Try the following for a few days and notice how different you feel about yourself and your life when you spend this time with your SELF

Take the time to breathe

LIsten to what your body is telling you

Put one hand over your heart and breathe air into your heart

Close your eyes and listen inside to whatever comes up

Do nothing to stop the feelings that arise

Listen to what your feelings are trying to tell you about you, about your life, about anything that is going on in your life.

Let me know what happens!

I'd love to hear about your experiences as you move toward re-connecting with your emotions. What problems come up for you? What felt good about it?

Tony Zazza's "Scared Straight Santa" is abusive to kids. Has anyone else noticed this? Find out how this abuse affects the kids he targets.

Discussion about how anger phobia keeps people from getting close to each other and destroys any real chance for intimacy.

Join Melody as she shares the day to day transformations you can experience when you see yourself and everyone else from an entirely new place.