Oh WOW! - intimacy

Saying Im Sorry Is Hard

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 07:29:08 GMT

Saying I’m sorry is hard, and it’s especially hard to say it to someone who we are pretty sure doesn’t trust anything we say. It can feel like an act of surrender and will give the other person power over you, or will open you up to the possibility of further attack. But would you rather be right than be in the relationship?

The person who feels you harmed them often badmouths you, and that makes it even harder to apologize. Once you have been labeled as a bad guy, your need for self protection increases and it’s really difficult to get those words out.

Admission of ownership or remorse can throw you into the victim corner and bring up feelings of shame.

Often, there is a very bad start when you try to make a verbal apology. The person you are apologizing to may say something like; "You should be sorry!” or "Too little too late", or "I've heard that one before", or "How do I know you won't do it again?" Reactive responses like these come from anger or hurt feelings, but its part of the process.

The words you choose really do make a difference. "I apologize for hurting you" is a lot easier to take than "I apologize if what I said seemed hurtful." And even that is not as strong as "I'm sorry I said you aren’t helping." Don’t qualify it with a “But you” or “But I”… it takes the power out of your apology.

When you are the type of person that tries very hard to do the right thing, to be considerate, and to be helpful, but your efforts to please have backfired - it's just a tremendous letdown to have hurt someone. Accepting that disappointment in yourself can be very difficult and apologizing requires overcoming your sense of shame.

What lies underneath is pride. I don’t mean selfish, arrogant pride; it’s the pride you take in who you are and what you do. Basically your self-esteem is at risk. So to admit that you’re wrong means that you’re admitting that you made a misstep, and that hurts your self-esteem.

Tips for getting an apology:
1. You are a lot more likely to get one if your rebuke conveys your belief in other person’s basic goodness.
2. Publicly chastising someone exposes them to even more humiliation, making an apology even more of a challenge.
3. If the person you want an apology from is someone you know takes pride in themselves, expect it to be hard, and try to make it safer for them by expressing your love or respect for them.

Tips for giving an apology:
1. Express understanding of the other person’s hurt feelings, and that you appreciate why they are angry. (Justifying your feelings will likely be interpreted as you missing the point of an apology.)
2. Communicating vulnerability can help, even if it’s hard to do.
3. Be as specific as you can about the mistake, and as clear as you can about your responsibility.
4. Allow the person time to think about your apology—the time they take may vary but the offended person has the right to determine how much time that should be.
5. Clearly request forgiveness but don't expect or demand it.

I’ve come to the conclusion that we are all very fragile beings. We may pretend we are not, we may even be pretty good at it, but we are. We also have wounds and unmet needs from our childhood that get played out in every relationship we have as adults, which makes our interactions way more complex than we realize.

Gracefully confronting someone with a wrong, and navigating an apology can be very tricky, and very painful. Recognizing the difficulty of the action while at the same time honoring our own need to hear it, is the trick.

The real purpose of the Holiday Season

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 23:41:52 GMT

Its practically a cliche that spending the Christmas Holidays with our family is a trying, stressful process. Part of what makes is so, of course, is that we love our relatives, we may even like them, but being with them brings up all kinds of unexpected feelings. We expect to have a great time, share memories, and connect deeply. We seldom actualize that.
If we are fortunate enough, we at least get to enjoy being together some of the time and share some fun.

Christmas
This Christmas I was really excited. For the first time in years we were able to swing a week at our timeshare during the Christmas holidays. This meant that all 5 kids could, theoretically, meet us in Steamboat Springs for a week of skiing and celebrating Christmas together. We used to do it regularly when the kids were younger, but with college, work and husbands or boyfriends to contend with it has become a challenge.
Refusals
Well, the first roadblock was that one of our kids downright refused to go. She never fully disclosed why, but her dad and I were heartbroken. Others struggled to get the finances and logistics worked out, but they all arrived on schedule. One of them, arrived unexpectedly. Living in Taiwan with limited income and lots of student loans, I didn't expect her to get to come. But she surprised me Christmas week by showing up at a family dinner unannounced.
So with all but one of our crew, we spent a week together (the 7 of us) in a two bedroom suite in Steamboat Springs.

We are a diverse group of personalities and needs. My oldest is an outspoken attorney with a dear man for a husband who is somewhat reserved. The twins are bubbly, pleasers who try to make everything work out for everyone (a formidable, if not impossible task). Our youngest is a typical teen in many ways, though struggling with anger issues he doesn't fully comprehend. Then we have my husband and I who are generally pliable and "easy", but we both wanted everyone to ski with us as much as we wanted them to.
The Crucible
It turned out to be a kind of crucible for any unmet needs from their childhoods to surface. No one who has ever survived such an event will be surprised by this I suppose.
I honestly think that the point of the holidays is to help our kids, and us, have a chance to get things worked out differently this time, to maybe heal things that were left broken open when they left home. I don't know that we necessarily accomplished it, but then again, there is always next time.

Compassion for Tiger

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 19:34:30 GMT

I posted on my Facebook page about how little compassion we, as a culture, have for people who act badly. Okay, yes, we are upset that Tiger, who many of us had on a pedestal has fallen so far down. But it happens to the greatest of men in the greatest of roles. Why should we be surprised and why should we be so condemning of them? Bill Clinton was a known philanderer before he married Hilary. Tiger Woods was a known womanizer before he married Erin.

I'm not sure where I heard this, it's not mine, so if you know where it came from please comment and remind me: When our dog barks, leaves puffs of hair all over the floor, and nudges us to pet them at the most inopportune times; we are not angry with them. Why? Because they are dogs, and that's what dogs do. When a philanderer or womanizer continues to do the very things that we know they do, why are we angry with them?

I think it's has to do with the fantasy we women have about ourselves. We have this fantasy that makes us hotter than any other one we can dream up. It's the fantasy that the man we find most attractive (for whatever reason) will be driven to passionate lust only for us and that they will only see and want us for the whole of their lives. We want to be the Catherine to our own Heathcliff living forever knowing we are the only person the focus of our love wants for all time.

Yet, in fact, what we know about men is that there biological drive is to have as many women as possible to "spread their seed". Therein lies the conflict.

Womenfolk's need to be adored by one man alone, and menfolk's need to "spreed their seed".

Men attempt to pacify our need by pretending this isn't so, in order to keep us happy. Women tell men they are "pigs" for having this biological need.

Now, don't for a minute think I am justifying anyone's bad behavior. I'm just explaining how I see the conflict.

Conflict, from my perspective is not a bad thing in and of itself. It's only a bad thing if it's not addressed. If we go into our marriages with blinders, believing that our perception, our position, and our needs are more important and more "true" than our partners, we are in for trouble!

Acknowledging the conflict, coming to a deeper understanding of each others' drives and needs can bring us closer and help us avoid the calamities of the Wood's family. It helps us be compassionate for ourselves; and our partners.

Men are Pigs and Other Lies

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 04:07:48 GMT

I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point I began suspecting that our culture has turned the tide on "anti-feminism" and has become "anti-male". As a mother of a young man who is remarkable, I find this repulsive.

It's so insidious that its likely we won't even notice it. I've noticed it myself at various times. First, I started noticing it in male bashing commercials. Then, in the dialogue of my friends and female clients. The jokes are so commonplace that they have become as real as the air we breathe.

We have become so inured to it that we don't even notice it. We assume boys are quicker to anger, and are less able to control their sexual impulses. We laugh about a man's inability to know how to hold a baby (never mind that he may never have been allowed to hold a child before).

This week, on Oprah! I was shocked to have it thrown out inadvertently both by Oprah herself, and the mental health professional on her show. Drew Pinsky, an addiction specialist and host of the VH1 reality series Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, said he thinks women are "the better part of humanity, containing all the good things about humans" or some such nonsense. What a sad statement of our culture that even our men are convinced they are less-than!

Oprah, being her sincere, caring self was able to offer a lot of empathy for the young woman on her show who had behaved disrespectfully toward all the men in her life. But in the next sentence, to her other guest, she said, that, well, in getting better (in the sex addictions) women would learn to avoid the "jerks". So, the bottom line is, she can have empathy for the females who behave irresponsibly and cruelly toward men, but the men who demonstrate the same behavior are "jerks"!

Until we find a way to have compassion for all us, and drop the habit of bashing men (or women) our divorce rate will continue to climb, and men will continue to have "anger issues" (said as if they have no reason to be an

Emily Post and I Disagree

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 19:05:24 GMT

Its a standing joke among couples, men being chastised about their rudeness for leaving it up. Understand, I am female and have experienced the trauma of sitting down in the dark on a toilet seat that has been left up. In Emily Post's "Essential Manners for Couples" she insists that "good manners" means for men to always leave the toilet seat down. But I don't agree.

Why is it less rude for a woman to leave the seat down? Why is it assumed that men always have to be the ones to dirty their hands and lift the seat up?

In our society, men may have privilege in some areas, but as a rule, they are thought of as brutes, inconsiderate, and angry non-emotional loafs. Just watch the commercials on TV! Women are characterized as being sweet, innocent, kind and emotional. Not so with men.

It seems to me that the "battle of the sexes" will never be resolved if we continue to consider a woman's needs and practices as superior to a mans.

What do you think?

Tiger Woods Brain

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 18:14:56 GMT

Over the last year Mike and I have used Tiger Woods brain as a way to illustrate how a person can learn to calm their primitive brain under stress. The fact that he can do it on the golf course but can't do it in his personal life (so it would seem) has me thinking.
The Connection
I don't think he has realized the connection. Tiger's ability to calm his primitive brain down enough to always (or almost always) hit the ball well even when millions of dollars are at stake, is legendary. Few other athletes have done it as consistently as Tiger. Yet, in full view of his fans, Tiger has let his primitive brain run amok.

In the wee hours of the morning of November 27th, Tiger slammed into fire hydrant and a tree. Witness's say that he was in an argument with Erin, his wife. My heart aches for him. I know how painful it is to get into that kind of altercation with someone you love. Though, if its true that the lacerations on his face could have been from their altercation and not the crash, it's a pain I have not suffered myself.
What really tugs at my heart is the reality of their pain, and how easily it could have been different. Couples who experience a weekend of the Awakened Heart Workshop with Mike and I can maneuver through primitive brain reactivity with much less upset than can other couples.

I wish someone would refer them to us!

The Case Against Selfless Love?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 03:17:04 GMT

This week someone told me "I don't think I will encourage my children to love selflessly the way I have." I thought about this a lot. The idea that we are only truly loving if we are "selfless" is such a stupid myth.

What people think they are doing when they are "loving selflessly" is that they are being big hearted and noble. In fact, what they are doing is being a Rescuer.

Being a Rescuer means suppressing you own needs and wants in deference to the needs and wants of another. You do this because you think the other person "needs" this from you.

You convince yourself that the other person's needs and wants are more important than yours. Or perhaps you do it because you fear a loss of connection in the relationship if you don't. You don't want the other person to know what you really think, feel or need because then how would you feel if they didn't care? Or you don't share those things because you really don't think they can handle it. Either way, you are not being honest and you are in fact driving a wedge between you.

So the next time you are tempted to be "selfless" ask yourself if it really is that, or is it that you choose to not honor what's important to you just because it's easier to not respect the person than it is to tell the truth.

Feel free to comment, I'd love to hear what you think!

Women Perpetrators? Is it a far fetched Idea?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 20:24:08 GMT

ABC Online's SCOTT MICHELS, SARAH NETTER, LAURA MARQUEZ and SABINA GHEBREMEDHIN seem to think the idea of a woman being a sexual perpetrator is far fetched. Do you? I suspect most people find the idea rather rediculous. In our culture women are, as Michels, Netter, Marquez and Ghebremdhin suggest, seen as nurturers and not violent or sexual perpetrators.

Throughout the article, Why Do Some Women Kill, they search for explanations as to why a woman could possibly become so strangely perverse as to do what Melissa Huckaby, a Sunday school teacher and the mother apparently did, which was to rape and kill one of her daughter's friends. The authors of this article propose that maybe she is just covering up for her daughter having accidentally killed the girl, or maybe she just got carried away in the interrogation and said things that are not true. Whether or not Ms Huckaby is guilty of the crimes, it is obvious from this incident that most of us will go to extraordinary lengths to rationalize that a woman could not possibly do what Ms Huckaby admitted to having done.

It’s ironic, too, because just today I read on UPI about a woman in Russia capturing a man trying to rob her beauty salon. Seems she tied him up with a hair dryer cord, fed him Viagra and forced him to have sex with her for two days until she was apprehended and charged with rape.

Both articles are evidence that women are indeed capable of doing things sexually perverted and acting as perpetrators of sexual abuse. Does this shake up your belief system? I know it does for a lot of people.

The idea that women could do such horrendous acts was beyond my own belief until I began working with sexual abuse survivors more than 20 years ago. Slowly but surely I began to accept the truth of what my clients were telling me. In spite of what statistics will show us, I have every reason to believe that women perpetrate as much violence and sexual abuse on their children as do men.

I know it’s a radical statement to make and statistics being what they are, will not back me up. But statistics rely on one important measure: self-report or outright evidence. In my experience the victims of female perpetrated crimes will not admit to having been perpetrated by a woman for lots of socially understandable reasons. In our culture, as the ABC article states are thought of as being the "nurturer" and to accept, even for ourselves, that what our mothers, sisters, aunts, and grandmothers did to us was abusive flies in the face of our most sacred beliefs about woman's role in society. This is also why, even when a victim risks ridicule, rejection and dismissal to tell someone of their abuse by a woman, they are exponentially less likely to be believed.

Until we can begin to look at what I firmly believe to be absolute truth, that women are as guilty of sexual, physical and verbal abuse and violence as are men, the cycle of abuse and violence that plagues our world will never be eradiated.

What do you think? Has a woman in your life ever beaten, hit, screamed at, emotionally, verbally, or sexually abused you in any way? Do you think it's impossible? Improbable? Comment below. This is an incredibly important topic.

The Case for Speaking Truths

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 17:29:08 GMT

Anger phobics tend to avoid speaking their truth at any cost. I think that has been true of me most of my life, for a variety of reasons. Funny thing, though, most of the time it happens is when the person is important to me. I can say almost anything to a waiter.

But my children, my husband, my best friend, or my boss... well, that is something else altogether. Speaking my truth to them has a higher cost than it does a waiter. Only in the past few years have I begun to recognize my misplaced priorities. The waiter or clerk has better things to do than deal with my own misdirected hostilities. Because the truth is if I come across as angry to them, they don't really care. They may placate me, but they don't really care. It would be beter to speak my truth to people who care wouldn't it?

Speaking truths to the people who are most important to us can be terrifying. What if they disown us (our kids or parents) or leave us (our partners or friends)? Being able to speak our truths requires a level of trust and skill in communicating. But if we do it before we have fully explored the feelings ourselvees, it's possible we will incite more conflict than is necessary.

When we practice compassion for ourselves and everyone else, we are more likely to speak truths in such a way as to be heard, and to have a reasonable outcome. When we can own our own truths and speak them with empathy and respect for others we pathe the way for deepening our connections and communication.

Domestic Abuse Myths

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 16:15:24 GMT

Five mistakes we make when we talk about Rihanna and Chris
Brown's relationship.
Today on the newsweek site Raina Kelley's article, "Domestic Abuse Myths" appeared on the web. She is right is some ways, of course, there is a cycle that happens when abuse is taking place and both parties take part in it. She is also correct in that no one should ever have to accept physical abuse from another person and the "Injured Party" has to get help.

It's also interesting to note that while the larger the person is the more dmage they can do; there are plenty of cases of women being perpetrators of physical abuse to their spouses as well. These cases to not result in arrests or taking pity on the injured party since they cannot do as much physical damage. Plus, men tend to get laughed at if they complain about a woman abusing them. But the dynamic of physical abuse happens to both men and women. It's just not "manly" to consider yourself as having been abused by a woman."

The thing is, there are five major mistakes when the media and others talk about what transpired between Chris Brown and Rihanna.

Mistake #1 Blame
Its easy to blame the perpetrator of abuse for the incident. Its easy to see them as the bad guy because they, clearly, were the ones that lost control and caused physical injury to the other person. But the reality is, both parties are always a part of the cycle and can and do learn to change from a posture of blame and fault to one of empathy and compassion.

Mistake #2 Considering yourself a Victim
Both parties feel like Victims. When you consider yourself to be a "Victim" of someone else, and the world at large supports that position, you are powerless to do anything to change what is happening. You are innocent and have no power in the situation. That's what defines a victim isn't it?

Several years ago Oprah had a show on domestic violence perpetrators. She went to a facilty where men were being treated and given help for their behaviors. Oprah could not comprehend how these men could possibly behave as they did. One man, who had taken a frying pan to his wife's head, helped her understand. He told her that what happened is that he felt so out of control, so powerless in the situation that he felt driven to do what ever he had to do to make the pain and misery stop. At that moment, Oprah got it. She said, "Oh, it's just like me and food!".

Rihanna, like other adults being abused, have the power and responsibility to learn from what is happening and take action to change. Chris Brown has the power and responsibilty to learn and take action to change. But neither is really a Victim.

Mistake #3 Having No Empathy
Whether you are the person being beaten or the person doing the beating, when abuse occurs, it occurs in the absence of empathy. Neither party has any understanding or empathy of the other person's pain. Someone who strikes out in fear and pain by hitting someone else feels terrified and horribly alone. They feel as if the person who is supposed to love them and understand them has become their enemy by hurting them beyond tolerance. Of course, then the person they hit feels exactly the same way. But the person beaten is clearly the victim, right?

Learning to have empathy for the person doing the hitting is the only way to change the pattern. This is not to say excusing the behavior, but it is to say having empathy for the pain and helping the person change.

On the same Oprah episode, a woman who was in her second marriage and third abusive relationship spoke up. She said (roughly), "I began to recognize that something that was going on had to have something to do with me. This was my third relationship in which I was being hit. I knew this man loved me, but something I was doing had to have something to do with what was going on. When I began to have empathy for what he was going through and how my behavior was impacting him, things began to change."

Mistake #4 Taking No Ownership
When we are in a conflict with someone else, the conflict will escalate out of control if one party refuses to take ownership of their part in the conflict. Ever had a conflict with a business? What makes us irrate is when no one in the company will acknowledge that we have been injured.

In the past few years, hospitals have begun to implement a policy of telling patients who have been injured by malpractice or neglect that they are sorry this happened. The hospitals have recognized that by accepting responsibility they are much less likely to incur legal action if they accept responsibiity than if they do not. This goes against traditional legal views, but is in fact born out in actual statistics. Things do not escalate if when ownership is accepted.

Mistake #5 Not Respecting
When someone goes to the hospital with injuries, like Rihanna, or shows up with blackened eyes we assume they had no responsibilty in what occurred and they are incapable of having protected themselves. This is remarkably disrepectful of the person. Obviously Rihanna is substantially smaller than Chris Brown, and in an argument turned physical, he clearly has more physical power. But that does not mean she was powerless.

When we, as a culture, decide that someone is powerless, we remove any potential for them to behave in responsible ways for themselves. The result is that we actually cripple them by encouraing them to see themselves as having no power or responsiibility in their situation. Like the woman on Oprah, Rihanna has to learn how her behaviors impact the relationship and how she can shift her awareness to change the dynamic between the two of them. Otherwise if its not Chris Brown the next time, it will be someone else.

Simple Model Not Easy
This simple model, "The Cycles of the Heart" can transform how we experience conflict and our most intimate relationships. It can literally change everything in how we respond to ourselves and the world. But, while it is simple, it is not easy to do. It requires shifting how we have viewed ourselves and our world. It's no small task.

What Do You Think?
Have you been a victim of abuse? Have you perpetrated abuse? Do you think I am dead wrong or right on? Let me know. Comment below.

Medical Excuses for Not Being Sexual

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 22:24:01 GMT

No Sex for ME
Medical issues cause real problems at times for many people. These are real, severe problems that can make us feel like sex is impossible. Or at the very least it can make us feel like we are damaged goods. For some of us it has just brought on so much frustration or discomfort that the it just seems easier to do without it.

Honestly, I can understand how frustrating it can be with something that should be fun and natural causes so much pain and irritation that just not doing it at all seems preferable. I have suffered from food sensitivities for years. Trust me, there have been plenty of days I wished I could just give up eating altogether. It just didn't seem worth it! But of course, we have to eat to live, don't we? So not eating really wasn't an option.

Living Without Sex
Sex on the other hand, is something we believe we can live without. After all, many people go years without it and seem to function just fine. The problem with this is that apearances can be deceiving. Our emotional and physical well being suffer dramatically when we are not having sex on a regular basis. New studies reinforce the truth of the multiple benefits of having regular sex.

Is Having Regular Sex a Life or Death Matter?
Here's what Paul Ellis of 4menshealth.com discovered, "In 1997 an inquisitive British doctor published a study that followed 918 men between the ages of 45 and 59 for 10 long years to determine how sexual activity affected their life spans. Here’s what he found: Men who had two or more orgasms every week were half as likely to croak as those who averaged fewer than one orgasm a month."

Why Not Quit the Excuses?
Many medical conditions can cause you to have problems having sex. Being diabetic, having a heart condition, uterine cysts, fibroids, being on certain medications are all known to cause physical difficulties in having sex. Nobody should question that these are real problems, that is not the point here. The point here is that having these problems are not justification for simply denying yourself and your partner the joy and benefits of having great sex.

Don't Accept the Excuse!
Obviously you have to be empathetic to yourself or your partner for the problem, but it isn't a justification for dropping out this vital part of your life. Its just a hurdle that you two have to overcome together. There are solutions, even if the solutions require you to compensate for intercourse with other methods of sexual gratification. But there is simply NO excuse for pretending that sex doesn't matter. Clearly, it does matter, to your health, to your lifespan, and of course, to your relationship.

What do you think?
Am I off my rocker? Is sex not as important as I think? Or am I right on? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Comment below.

Women and Mid-Life Affairs

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 15:27:21 GMT

Really? Having Affairs at 40?

According to the Sydney Morning Herald, women re-discover sex at 40 and are prone to having affairs. Apparently, being in your 40's free's you from the old ideas about having to look a certain way or being overwhelmed by the need to have sex for security.
As women of chidbearing age we have to look out for a male who can help us raise our children, but after 40 we are free to do as we like.
Okay, well, we will set aside the reality that women are having children at older and older ages for the sake of argument. This article speculates that increased testosterone dominance can play a role, since estrogen and oxytocin diminish as we get closer to menopause.

Do our bodies dictate what we do with our sex life?

Of couse, we have always heard that men are driven by their testosterone levels to behave in more sexual ways than most women, so there could be some truth in the theory. But just because we feel the drive to have sex more, does that mean we have to abandon our husbands? This article would suggest that our boring husbands are at fault and that it's because we choose to marry somene who was not the kind of guy we would ultimately find attractive in our 40's and our newly discovered passion.
This article quotes some woman for whom her husband is the last person she would want to have sex with. How sad for her, her kids and her husband.

What about the husbands?

We could write off the husbands as clueless, boring bums. Or we could consider that perhaps these women are not communicating their needs and desires to their husbands in a way that could transform their marriage rather than stepping out. Yes, its more work, but in the long run its safer, and more satisfying.
Recent studies show that great sex is dependant on emotional connection, even for men. In spite of our beliefs that men can separate sex from emotion, what really gets them going sexually is that emotional connection, just like with women!
So what happens to these poor husbands when their wives unilatterally decide to go off and have an affair?
My guess is they sit at home unsatisfied. This same arcticle claims men don't start having affairs until they are in their 50's. To me this means men or more committed to their marriages than women!

What's the alternative?

What if we could deliberately make the effort to improve our emotional connection with our partner, taking the steps to deepen the connection instead of cavalierly jumping off into affairs? How would that alter our national divorce rates? I'm guessing we could have some pretty powerful changes in those rates if people started re-assessing the possibilities within their current relationship rather than just letting it go because it's "boring". It reminds me of a saying I heard when I was younger and taking a lot of workshops. "You only get out of it what you put into it." The same can surely be said for marriage.
As most women have difficulty saying what they want in the bedroom, it could be that sex has become boring because they haven't told their partners what is exciting for them. My experience is that most men really desperately want to please their wives.

What turns us all ON

I recall watching an OPRAH where she had some sex therapist talking with a couple about their dwindling sex life. She asked the woman what her fantasies were and they were about domination and his taking control. She asked the husband what his were about and they were entirely about his wife being pleased. He wanted to watch her having sex with someone else so that he could see the pleasure on her face, because he didn't believe he could do that for her. How sad is that??? The bizarre part is that the therapist didn't even pick up on that fact that his desire was totally connected to his need to have her enjoying sex.

When we can communicate with our mate what it is that turns us on, it excites them. When we show our pleasure to our partner, they get excited, which then turns us on.

This is a huge part of what it takes to make sex exciting and trully great. It pisses me off when the media picks up on the stepping out but ignores the fact that these women are walking out on perfectly good husbands who probably desperately want to know what excites their wives. But because these women choose to step out rather than communicate their needs, they walk away from the person committed to them who loves them and is really there for them.

Rather than stepping out step IN

I'm pleading with you women! Stop seeing your husband as the problem and start recognizing that the problem is the relationship, and YOU are a part of that. You can begin by stopping the blame and step up and take responsibility for your part. Learn how to have great sex with the man that loves you and has been there for you before you betray his devotion. If you try and it doesn't work, that's one thing, but if you just keep doing the same thing you've always done and the just give up, well... how sad for you both, and for your kids.

The Case for Lasting True Love

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 17:55:44 GMT

Arthur Aron, a psychologist at Stony Brook, is said to have reported to the Sunday Times that “Traditional views of romance are that it drops off sharply in the first decade”. But he goes on to say that for some people (10%) romance remains as acute after decades.

Its for real!

“We are sure its real” Aron says.

Researchers at Stony Brook say they scanned the brains of couples that have been together for more than 20 years and then compared them to the brains of newer lovers. The results: 10% had the same level of chemical reactions when showed photos of their loved ones as those whose romance has just begun.

According to earlier research, romantic love fades after 15 months and is completely gone after 10 years! (according to the NY Times)

The real question

My question is: why is it that for 90% of us “love” fades so fast?

What erodes love so quickly? In my experience of working with couples over the past 20 years, its mainly because the “love” most of us start out with has little to do with the person we are “in love” with! We have a whole slew of fantasies about what and who this person is that we have found. These fantasies only vaguely resemble the object of our “love”.

The illusion

It is impossible to maintain “love” when the illusion that we have woven is broken down by reality. Now, that does not mean the person we picked is not lovable! It just means that what we thought we got is not what we actually got. Surprise, surprise, the person we picked because of our fantasies of who they are doesn’t usually turn out to be who we made up that they were!

Most of us are so desperate for love that we will pretend to have found it even when it is clearly not there. Stalkers and “fans” are an extreme example. They have no idea who the object of their affection really is, its all made up in their own heads.

When we e discover our lover is not who we think they are we have let go of the illusion.

Disillusionment

The disillusionment stage is generally the phase in which most marriages start to dissolve. Having illusions about who and what someone is means we didn’t really know them in the first place.

Once the illusion is gone we can begin to discover who they really are and here is the real surprise: just because they are not who we thought they were doesn’t mean we can’t love them!

The good news

A lot of pre-arranged marriages become quality, long lasting love affairs. Why is that? Because once we get right down to it, with the right ingredients of behavior and respect we are all loveable!

The good news is that this means we are not as awful as our disillusioned partner may think either. Being dis-illusioned means no longer being stuck in a fantasy. That is a good thing. Let the disillusionment help you discover your lover, and your lover discover you. Whoa, I know it’s scary but truth really is better than fiction! And, it changes everything.

Comment

Have you suffered a disillusion of you lover? Have you discovered how amazing the real thing is? Do you agree with me or not? Let me know. Comment below.

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The Seven Day a Week Church Challenge Begins!

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 03:14:33 GMT

Ed Youngs'Challenge

The challenge Ed Young the minister of the Fellowship Church in Grapevine, Texas started as of today has turned the Christian world on its ear. His challenge as many of you may have heard is for all the married couples in his congregation to have sex daily for the next seven days. The uproar this has created in the news and the Christian world is funny. At least it is to me.

Sex every day?

What is so strange about the idea of having sex every day. I mean, I am a woman and while I understand that many women are appalled at the idea of having sex every day, it makes complete sense to me! Why is it such an unwelcome a thought for so many people?

When you use sex as a weapon or as a tool for trade or do not have an intimate connection with your spouse then I suppose the idea of having sex every day. But the reality is that when 60% of married couples say they are unhappy with their sex life and 40 million American couples say they have a sexless marriage this is an important issue.

Clearly if the idea of having sex every day is a problem for you then odds are there is a problem in your marriage.

Joyful sex

Intimate, joyful sex is the heart and soul of a good marriage. If you can’t imagine “making time to make love” (to quote Ed Young) then you’ve got a problem.

Amazingly making sure that you make time to make love will create more connection and intimacy and is the best divorce buster!

When kids know their parents are being sexually intimate they feel more secure just because they know their parents are connecting and showing caring for each other. When you are playing sexually with your spouse you are increasing your sense of well being personally and your relationship is transformed.

But of course, the truth is, it’s hard for some people to reconnect sexually when they have been distanced for a period of time. Heck I have known couples that have not had sex in years and years. Now, that is sad. Learning how to begin having sex at all is a start that can be really hard in and of itself.

Intimacy

Ed Young says it reveals your true self to your partner when you are having sex. Well, yes, I can see how that is true. If you are insecure that is going to show up in the bedroom. If you are fearful of intimacy you it will show up there.

How do you overcome all the blocks? Ed Young has a lot of good thing to say about that but I have to say, he’s not a mental health expert so he might be missing some of the more subtle points.

Bottom line is that he’s right in some really important ways and I am glad he’s opened up this topic in such a pubic way. Intimacy and sex have been separated so much in our culture but research has shown that even men (whom most people think of as being able separate sex from emotions) need emotional intimacy to reach peak sexual enjoyment. Getting to deep sexual intimacy is often complicated, but oh, is it ever worth it. Should be some happy faces at next Sunday's service!

What do you think?

Is it a crazy idea to have sex every day? Is it possible to be unselfish and giving to our partners sexually to the extent of having sex every day? Comment below!

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Seven Days of SEX, in a row!!!

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 16:19:35 GMT

It is splashed all over the media, Fellowship Church’s Grapevine, TX pastor, Ed Young, is challenging his married parishioners to have sex for the next seven days. Why is this news? Most religions encourage and honor sex in the sanctity of marriage. Even a stodgy group like North American Mission Board, an arm of the ultra conservative Southern Baptist Convention emphasizes the importance of good sex in marriage (see Sexual Response in Marriage).

What I find really surprising is the public, or at least some of the media figurehead’s reaction. Sex. For SEVEN DAYS STRAIGHT! They don’t think its possible and they sure don’t seem to think its really desirable. One CNN anchor even suggested that pastor Young would be an accomplice to rape since the women would have to be having sex against their will.

Based on the short video segment I saw, I think Young was trying to do two things: Expose the obstacles to a good, intimate relationship that included joyful sex AND suggest that sex every night is a reasonable and attainable goal.

To all of the nay sayers, I have to ask “Why not plan on having sex every night (and some mornings).” Here’s the deal, if you are really taking care of your partner, taking the time to enjoy them, how can you not end up having lots of great sex?

This is a topic that is near and dear to Melody and me. In fact, you can expect to hear much more about this from us in the next couple of weeks.

Until then, are you having the kind of sex life you want? Do you think it is possible to make sex and the rest of your relationship more joyful? Please email or leave us a comment so we can include what you think is important.

What ME a Sex Addict?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 00:39:59 GMT

Only a few of us think that the way we participate in sexual activity is addictive, but often the beginnings of sexual addictions show up in covert ways that we may miss if we are not attentive. I just spent three days at a symposium on addiction and the speakers there reminded me of just how ubiquitous sexual additions are in our society.

Most of the time I tend to think of men as the ones harboring secret sexual addictions but, of course, women are just as subject to sexual addictions as men. We really are not that different, are we?

Strangely, most sexual addictions have little to do with sex, other than the fact that the behaviors take place in the context of sexuality. Exhibitionism is really about wanting to feel the power of having shocked someone. Pornography is about fantasy. Most of the others, like sadomasochistic fetishes are all about regaining a sense of power and control. Strangely enough, even the avoidance of sex can be a “addictive” behavior according to Maureen Canning of the Meadows Treatment Center.

The end of athletic sex

As a wife who avoided sex over the course of many years of my previous marriages, this one got my attention. I was, as many women are, quite able to enjoy a courtship and “honeymoon” phase of an active and athletic sex life during the beginning phases of my relationships. But, as the relationship moved out of the fantasy stage and into the reality of a real, day to day set of interactions, sex disappeared. It didn’t disappear because my husband wasn’t interested. No, it disappeared because I became angry and disgusted with his continuing to be happy with sex as the lifeblood of our relationship. Once we were married I think I expected our relationship to magically blossom into a real intimate connection. Never mind that I had no clue how to do that. But I was certain it was my husbands fault because HE was such an angry, avoidant, workaholic. Certainly I was the innocent victim of his deliberate withholding of time, attention and kindness. So, I withheld sexual contact from him because I was so angry with him. I never thought of it as being addictive behavior.

Pervasive addictions

But if you re-frame how you think about what addiction is, you can easily see how it really is an addictive process. As Maureen Canning says, most sexual addiction is really about power and control. I was clearly attempting to get a sense of power in the relationship by moving into the Self-Protective withdrawal position. I put up barriers to prevent myself from feeling vulnerable to his angry, avoidant behaviors. I did this in an attempt to get power and control over feeling like his Victim.

How many wives do this? I asked Maureen if she new of any other resources for information about this form of addiction she calls “Sexual Anorexia” and she directed me to a book by Patrick Carnes. I have not yet gotten a copy of the book but I do think it’s fascinating.

Offensive behaviors

A lot of unhappy husbands will probably relate to this scenario. Maureen talked about the “offending” quality of this behavior. I have to admit I never would have thought of myself as doing any “offending” by this behavior, but I was clearly damaging my relationship. The word offending does bring up legal or even criminal meaning, but one simple definition is “wrong”. And it was indeed “wrong” of me to withhold sex in order to meet my own power and control needs.

But don’t you offending men take heart at this either, because addictive relationships generally require two addicts. The partners to the Sexual Anorexic are obviously the “Co-dependant” in the relationship and just as addicted in their own way. One partner is generally a “Sex Addict” and the other is the “Sexual Anorexic”. Both are just opposite ends of the spectrum from the other.

The more classic “Sex Addict” is the one who gets a sense of power and control by engaging in some form of sexual activity. Of course, the sex act itself is mood enhancing and can be a way to alter an unhappy mood.

Where is the real problem?

Sex is not meant to be about power and control or even mood enhancing. Sex is supposed to be intimate, passionate play with your partner. Any other covert use for it is “wrong” or “offensive”. If passionate play is not how either of you experience your sexual relationship then there is a problem.

So what do you do if you are using sex addictively?

First of all you have to just recognize that you are using sex (or your sexual power as in Sexual Anorexia) in a way that is harmful to your relationship. Once you recognize what you are doing you have to stop the offensive behavior and deal with the feelings that are buried underneath the behavior. This can be a simple but uncomfortable process, or it can be a complex and debilitating one. If you begin the process of eliminating your sexual addictive behaviors and find yourself feeling overwhelmed – don’t hesitate to call a professional because, like any addiction, if it is severe enough it can be life threatening. No joke, the feelings underneath the sexual addictions can be very intense and lead to severe withdrawal symptoms. Take care of yourself as you open your eyes to how you may have been unwittingly causing harm to your relationship.

Any addictions on your part?

Let me know what you think or if you can relate. Comment below.

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Clueless Men and Unsatisfied Wives

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 21:42:31 GMT

For the past couple of years I’ve been writing articles for Dan and Jennifer of the askdanandjennifer.com website. Lucky for me they live close by and Mike and I have had dinner with them a couple of times and I now consider them to be friends. They are a great, generous, and hardworking couple of kids. I’m proud to know them. They have an interesting website but – be warned they deal with a lot of sexual material. I personally think this is good thing because they answer a lot of people’s questions about things that are hard to get good answers about.

The Forum Questions

In the past couple of months I’ve been answering a lot of their forum questions – in fact I’ve been doing more of that then writing articles. It’s as fascinating thing to do because it gets to the hear of what intimacy means to people. Of course, sex and intimacy are not the same thing – but to most people they are deeply connected.

So many of us seem to have trouble with intimacy and sex simply because we are stuck in the fear based reactions of the Cycle of Egocentrism. Our old brain reactivity kicks in and we loose sight of ourselves and our partner.

Not so silly message

I watched a silly movie with my daughter yesterday, “Waitress”. It had the guy from “Serenity” (Nathan Fillion) in it so my daughter wanted to watch it. It was not all that well written and had a seriously slow pace, but it was cute. Two things struck me about this movie though. The first is that the waitress’s husband, Earl, (played by Jeremy Sisto) was painted as being a “bad husband” from the beginning of the film. The waitress, played by Keri Russell, never had one bit of empathy for him. Now, I’ll concede he was a painfully difficult person; he was somewhat abusive and controlling. But as the movie progressed it became clear he was also in a lot of pain, and horribly incapable of knowing how to connect with his beautiful, uncommunicative wife. When the waitress did connect with someone it was with a married man (Nathan Fillion) who was also her OB-GYN. This relationship contrasted with that of her marriage by showing her new lover as being emotionally caring, and sensitive to her feelings. During the narration she did she stated that she realized how great it felt to have someone really listen to her like what she felt and thought mattered to them. Obviously her husband didn’t have that gift.

Clueless men and dissatisfied wives

I bring this movie up because it reminded me so much of some of the questions sent in to the forum on Dan and Jennifer’s website. Clueless men asking why their wives have no interest in sex anymore and dissatisfied wives seeking out connections with other men because their own husbands don’t know how to connect with them emotionally.

“Bad guys”

Now, I realize how I just framed things makes it look like it’s the guys fault for not being emotionally available. The truth is that it’s not their fault, and it’s not entirely about them not being able. Men are frequently raised to hold all sign of emotions inside and are not given a vocabulary with which to express their feelings. They are not supposed to need any kind of affection or nurturing from anyone past about the age of three. Then we marry them and suddenly they are expected to know how to give and receive nurturing and to talk about feelings; and if they don’t they are a “bad husband”.

When we put people in categories of “bad” and “good” were are limiting them – and ourselves – as human beings. And it absolves us of any responsibility for what occurs when we label someone else as the “bad” one.

My “bad guys”

I did this during my first two marriages. I was caught up in seeing how “bad” my husbands were at being husbands. I believed I was the innocent victim wanting intimacy with men who were incapable of expressing it. I had no desire for sex with them because I didn’t feel the least bit connected with them. And that, I believed, was because of them.

What I know now is that they and I came into the marriage with baggage from our pasts. We all do. And I was no more capable of intimacy than they were. I had to learn how to be empathetic for them, and for myself, in order to allow myself to experience the intimacy I so desperately wanted. To do that I had to let go of the belief in “good” and “bad” guys. Getting out of what I call the Cycle of Egocentrism changes everything.

Is there a “bad guy” in your life?

Tell me what you think? Comment below.

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The Struggle to Say What You Want

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 20:53:17 GMT

O Magazine published an article in September about the difficulties women have with saying what they want. It was a silly, fun article with references to words I don’t believe are really words (like “wanty”) but it hit home.

We have all been bred to keep what we really want to ourselves. It’s what I would call a “Victim” reaction to having desires because one sure way to never get what you want is to never let anyone know what it is you really do want. But how many of us men or women, have spent most of our lives trying to guess what others want and how to avoid saying what we want?

Hiding starts early

Case in point my own desire, from an early age, to play the piano. I guess I never came out and told anyone but I know that any time I got near I played on it. If the other kids were playing outside, eating ice cream, or any other fun activity - if there was a piano around, I was playing it instead. So I was amazed when my mother said she never knew I wanted to play.

My own inability to say what I want has shaped my life in many ways. I am not sure how I learned the lesson, but I obviously did.

Emotions make it harder

Now, don’t get me wrong its not that I can never say what I want, because that is not true. I have learned to ask for what I want from waiters, cashiers, and other service people. I can even ask my friends to do things with me. But, if it is something that has some kind of emotional weight, it has not always been easy.

Women get the impression you are pushy if you make it clear what you want and don’t back down at the first sign of dissent. We get labeled as “bitchy” if we insist on getting what we want. Of course, men, in similar situations would be considered “strong”. But I don’t think men are any better, over all than women at asking for what they really want. Emotional things, things that would seem to make them “weak” are strictly forbidden for men to ask.

Divorce and truth telling

It’s no wonder our divorce rate is so high. Because if we remain in a place of being unable to communicate what we want and need from our partners we are stuck in the helpless, Victim, position with no hope of escape. Unless of course our partner is astute enough to glean what it is we want from our manipulative behaviors. Of course, hiding our sexual reality has become such a commonplace thing that according to a Lavalife survey even 53% of men fake orgasms (82% of women do).

Rescuers often can figure out what their partners want, but we don’t always get it exactly right. Guess work is like that, sometimes you win and sometimes you don’t.

Taking ownership of our wants and needs is the only hope we have of really getting what we want instead of some close approximation. Our partner’s may be pretty good, but nobody can always guess right.

Do you know what you want?

Someone commented on the O Magazine article that she had not addressed the whole issue because she hadn’t addressed how you even KNOW what it is you want. A lot of us are so out of touch with ourselves, our bodies and our emotions that we have no clue what we want. That makes it even tougher to ask doesn’t it?

Learning to connect with our bodies and emotions is the first step in being able to identify what we want and need. I love the series Mad Men on AMC. It portrays the social environment that set us up to never say what we want or know what it is we need. My favorite characters are the mysterious Dan Draper and his wife Betty. Dan (not his real name but, that’s the identity he assumed) doesn’t have a clue what he feels and is constantly in search of something that will make him feel something. Betty, his sweet, picturesque wife is equally clueless because she is not supposed to need or want anything other than the house and home that Dan provides her. Betty reminds me of my own mother during that period, dressing up to look the part, but always a bit out of place.

Isn’t that how we all feel when we deny ourselves awareness of what we want and need? Learning connect with our bodies and emotions and then being courageous enough to speak our truths changes everything.

What are you not saying?

Almost everyone hold things back from their partners. Do you? What do you not like to say? Do you tell your friends what you do and don’t want? Your family? I’d love to hear. Comment below.

Trading Sex for Services is Biology??

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 21:02:58 GMT

Trading Sex for Jungle Tour

I read this great article today on CNN about how this college student, now a chocolate store owner, convinced a local African to take her into the jungle to live for two weeks. She had been unable to find a paid guide to take her, but this young man liked her looks. She didn’t particularly like his, but she didn’t care. She traded two weeks of sex for two weeks in the jungle. It turned out to be a great deal, she felt it more than worth the price.

The Powerof Sex to Get Things Done

The article goes on to talk about how a lot of women trade sex for services. The classic having sex with your handyman was the most obvious example. Though the article traced these types of trades back to ancient Egypt when Cleopatra “cemented her power” through having sexual relations with Roman rulers.

Biology of the Trade

The final paragraph in the article talks about the whole premise of trading sex for services being driven by biology. Dr. Chris Fariello, director of the Institute for Sex Therapy at the Council for Relationships, a nonprofit relationship-counseling group based in Philadelphia, says a partner who provides more resources -- wealth, shelter, home repairs -- is seen as more attractive and stands to reap more sexual rewards. But until I got to the last line, I didn’t really get why having sex with your handyman was more than just a funny cliché. As Fariello puts it, "I don't get anybody in my office who says, 'My husband sits on the couch all day and eats bonbons, and I want to have sex with him all the time.”

What Does This Say About US?

This made me laugh out loud. But then I thought about what it is really saying. What this is saying is that our pre-programmed biological drive is to have a mate who takes ownership of their life and surroundings – and is capable of doing so. Whether male or female we have to add value to our partner in some form. Men are easier because they have such a strong biological drive for sex, but women, too need a man who adds something to her life. Men have often twisted that to mean (perhaps because of our American cultural emphasis on money) that if they don’t make a lot of money they can’t get a hot wife.

What this article makes clear is that women and men need the same thing - someone who adds value to their life. That could mean money, but then why do so many well-supported women give up married life in order to pursue something else? Obviously money is NOT it! Women want a man who does more that “sits on the couch all day eat(ing) bonbons.” We are biologically driven to find a man willing to take ownership of their life and surroundings. It changes everything. I’ve always said there is nothing sexier than a man standing in front of the sink with a sink full of dirty dishes and his sleeves rolled up. We want a man who is willing to work… Of course, what men want from us is a whole different article.

To be completely honest, that describes me to a T. My first husband was worthless, didn’t even feel that he needed to earn income, much less contribute around the house or with our baby. My second worked hard but contributed nothing to my needs, making our home or caring for our daughters. Now I have married a man who works harder than I do at keeping our home and family together. I’m crazy about him. Who knew it was biology?

What do you think?

Do you ever think you would trade your skill for sex or sex for a skill? I'd love to hear if you have nor have not, and what you think about it.

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The Practice of Compassion

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 19:58:17 GMT

The Cycles and Teachers

Today I talked to a group of teachers about how the Cycles can work for them in their classrooms, with their administrators and within their own families. I was touched to tears as I told them of an experience I had with my Third Grade teacher, Agnes Conner who recognized the pain I was in and began helping me see value in myself. She did it incrementally, respectfully, empathetically allowing me to see that there was something in this life for me.

As I talked to them I realized what a hard job they have. Now, understand, I come from a family of teachers and know how hard they work and how little they get financially compensated for the most important job in the world next to parenting (also not financially compensated for). But today I thought about the task of trying to model the Cycles path for their students and with administrators whom have lost sight of their real task. One woman talked about how the current head of the Houston school district was hired after having bankrupt Corpus Christie’s school district. This administrator increased his own salary by 9%, she said, and then he told all the teachers in the district not to expect any raises in from 3-5 years. Next he started building stadiums and new schools and laying off teachers. Talk about failing to take ownership of the realities of the needs of the district!

Are the Cycles “Christian based?”

But in the middle of her frustration she turned to me and said “This is not Christian based is it?” I had ask why she asked that question. She said it is because at some point in my presentation she got chills and it sank in that the Cycles of the Heart is exactly what Christ taught. I hugged her and thanked her for seeing the heart of the model so clearly.

The practice of Compassion is more than understanding the words.

My Spiritual Path

I remember an experience I had at the age of 13. I had been exploring Christianity since I was nine, having walked across the street to the United Methodist Church to attend Sunday School by myself because my family didn’t attend, though my Mom said we were “Methodists”. By 13 I had developed a healthy spiritual life of my own and had read the Bible and learned to pray in a way that felt connected and had a real relationship with Jesus and God. One morning after a long prayer session I suddenly felt a calling to be a minister. I thought, “I’m a girl! And I’m only 13! How is that supposed to happen?”

Well, I did what I could. By this point I had really gotten a sense of what God is and that I could take it literally that “God is Love” as Jesus so often told. It became a sort of mission for me to express this newfound wisdom with the people I knew.

> My opportunity to share my knowledge>>

An opportunity arose for me to share this with my Sunday school class. Each of us were assigned to be in charge of a lesson for the class. One week a boy in the class brought popular music and talked about how this music drove people to use drugs and about how, as Christians we could not let the music induce us into that world. I was inspired to teach my lesson of love. I brought in some great popular music at the time about love. I don’t recall what songs I used, but it was 1969 so there was no shortage of music about love. I wrote a slew of poetry expressing my own feelings about the importance of and need for, Love in our lives. I dimmed the lights, lit incense, played the music and read my poetry. The room was filled with titters and inattentiveness. Of course, in retrospect I am certain these 13, 14 and 15 year olds could not yet hear what I was trying to communicate.

Teaching something foriegn

This is of course what the middle and high school teachers I talked to this morning are dealing with themselves. But now, unlike then, I understand the blocks to being able to express love and to be compassionate. The Cycles of the Heart is a model that clearly lays out a path to being able to practice the compassion that Christ, Budda, Mohamed, the Dali Lama and all the other great Spiritual teachers have taught. So I guess, as it turns out I am a “minister” of sorts, teaching people compassion.

The greatest Spiritual goal

It is the practical application of how to achieve the greatest Spiritual goal of being a compassionate person. Understanding the Cycles of the Heart and practicing it inside of ourselves and outside of ourselves in our relationships, in our workplace, our communities and in our world we really can “change everything!”

What do you think?

I know I have not blogged in a while. I’ve been going through some re-grouping of my life and professional direction in the past couple of weeks. It has not been easy and will not be an easy change, but it is absolutely what is right for me and ultimately, everyone.

I’d love to hear from you. Tell me what you think about what you know about the power of compassion or how you have applied the Cycles of the Heart to your life.

Why the Rush? Five Killed by Speeder

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 20:02:12 GMT

Five Deaths

I don’t know what drew me to the article. I don’t usually read these kinds of things too closely, they tend to resemble to closely the stories I hear in my therapy office. But today, I read an article in the Dallas Morning News about this family that died in a car crash this past week. Well, they weren’t really a family exactly. The couple, Geoff and Christy Hart had taken in three foster children who were in the car with them at the time of the crash. Maybe it was the fact that they were foster children that got my attention.

Evil Choices to blame?

The police said the guy driving the car that hit them could be put up on criminal charges because he was apparently driving way over the posted speed limit of 40mph when he plowed into their car. Senior minister Dr. Ronald D. Henderson said, “What happened was neither of God nor the devil. It is the result of evil in the world. It is the result of choices people make."

Of course the guy driving the Pontiac that hit the Hart’s car made some bad choices: fatal choices. But just saying he made bad choices doesn’t really explain what happened does it? Why in the world would someone be driving like that on a residential street?

The back story

Today’s Dallas Morning News reports that the driver of the Pontiac, police now say, was David Calhoun Jones, age 46. He is in critical condition himself and being treated at an area hospital. According the Dallas Morning News, “WFAA-TV reported that police said Jones, of Metarie, La., was running late to pick up his own children from his ex-wife when the crash occurred.”

Wouldn’t most of us be careful if we want to live to see our children? Perhaps we would, but what if there were a strong reason to have to hurry? In my experiences many ex-wives are so stuck in the Victim role with their ex-husbands that they become very difficult to deal with reasonably. So what they do is lash out in whatever aggressive or passive aggressive ways they can come up with to hurt their ex-husbands. They of course, then, become the Self-Protector, trying to get control over their feelings of being out of control.

The Cycle at work

What if Jone’s wife had a history of yelling at the kids if Jone’s was late? Or perhaps she would even refuse him access to his kids if he were as much as five minutes late? It was obviously important to Jones that he arrive on time to see his kids. I’d love to know the back story about what made it so urgent that he had to drive so extremely fast to try to get there on time. Making the right choices is not always as simple as it might seem.

If understand how the Cycle of Egocentrism works it changes everything in how we perceive what happens to us and in the world.

What do you think?

Ever felt that kind of pressure from an angry ex? Tell me your story, or just tell me what you think! Comment below.

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Short on Empathy?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 23:17:00 GMT

Do you have an Empathy Deficit Disorder?

On Oprah.com there was a great article this week about empathy. The author of the article (Amanda Robb) reported that her own empathy deficit became obvious to her in her twenties after an incident with a roommate loosing her job. It seems this roommate had rich parents and, unlike the author, didn’t really have to worry about money. So when the roommate lost her job the Amanda responded with “"You'll have an amazing story for Jim's party tonight!"

Egocentrism

Amanda, it seems turned to therapy to get help for her problem relationships and began to learn about empathy from her then therapist. It was not an easy road for her because from childhood she had never experienced empathy from anyone. Her father’s death at age four sent her mother scrambling to provide for Amanda and her siblings, leaving little time for such fluff as emotions.

Moving toward Empathy

But Amanda did learn that to escape the egocentric world she lived in before empathy she had to go through a lot of grief. She says, “About six months into psychotherapy, I started using what I thought of as my therapist's ‘lines,” instead of saying her automatic egocentric responses. Still, she had taken the first steps toward empathy: faking it.

“If you want to act more empathetic, you follow certain steps: Instead of telling people what they ought to do, or becoming tyrannically optimistic, you offer sympathy, inquire about feelings, and validate those feelings. You'll be giving comfort to the other person, even if you yourself can't feel what they're going through.” Robb says.

The Wall of Grief

At first this worked to improve her relationships, and she was happy with that until one day, Robb says, “I began feeling something intensely when comforting friends: terror.” She was for the first time beginning to feel empathy for someone else. But to feel empathy we first have to walk through what I call “The Wall of Grief” which is first characterized by the terror Robb described. While finding empathy “profoundly uncomfortable” she acknowledges that it is the ‘emotional connective tissue” that keeps us from feeling alone.

The path to compassion for others and for ourselves is to walk through that discomfort and to be brave enough to let ourselves feel the terror, anger and grief that comes with “The Wall of Grief”.

The Rewards

Robb says, “If you have a romantic partner, he or she will someday believe that you are entirely wrong about something, and if you can see the problem from your partner's point of view, you'll be able to get through that conflict without smoldering in the corner or splitting up. If you work with someone you despise (and who despises you back), and you try to understand why that person dislikes you, then you stand a chance of not hating every minute with her at the office. If you live in a world that you would like to see less divided by ethnic, economic, and religious strife, you'll find that attempting to comprehend the needs of your sworn enemies is a prerequisite to any meaningful action you can take.”

The path to Compassion

This is the path to compassion: the painful, rewarding, joy of allowing ourselves to feel connected to others. It is something we have to learn, it is not something that comes natural to us. The natural thing is to stay in the “Cycle of Egocentrism” and fighting for our survival against others also fighting for their survival. The unnatural process of allowing in the feelings the Cycle of Egocentrism keeps us from feeling takes courage and commitment. The path to experiencing the compassion that is the result of that courage is the Cycle of Compassion: Empathy, Ownership and Respect.

The simple words do not convey the difficulty of the process but can simplify our understanding of path to compassion. But learning to practice the Cycle of Compassion changes everything.

Comments?

Have you had or do you have EDD?? Do you know someone who suffers from it? What has that been like for you? Let me know what you think. Comment below.

6-7-08 Kerrville New Folk Changes Forever

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 16:26:30 GMT

Welcome Home!

Since 1971 Kerrville has been the home of one of the most renowned and celebrated folk festivals in the country. I listened to broadcasts of the shows on public radio and even watched live shows on PBS when I was in college. I moved to Dallas in the late 70’s and got so busy trying to get my life going I forgot about the festival until someone mentioned it to me at work one day. Once I knew where it was and when it was, I was determined to go.

I drug my then 9, 9 and 15 year old daughters to the campgrounds somewhat against their will. None of them claimed to be that “into” music and were not the least bit sure what folk music was anyway. When we drove up to the gates and my 15 year old looked around at the growing line of traffic and saw the sprawling campgrounds she said, “Oh, I have a really good feeling about this!”

As we drove through the gates the all volunteers greeted us with “Welcome home!” My daughters were speechless with excitement and we had what is still one of the most memorable vacations we ever had together.

Camp Bungie

In the 13 years that have passed I’ve only missed two Kerrville Festivals. The girls have grown and moved away and don’t go with me any more. My husband and his son went with me this year. In my second year at Kerrville I met a group of friends that I have come to know once a year every year (almost) since then. This group of friends is collectively known as “Camp Bungie”, named for the unique solution the members discovered for handling the sometimes 50-70 mile an hour winds that sweep through the valley. They have worked out an elaborate design for connecting their cover tarps with bungee cords flex to and fro with the wind and stay attached easily to the ground.

But the bungee cords are not what connected me to their ground. It was the delightful, giving, loving and talented group of people that welcome us, open arms every year.

One year we became known as the “plastic people” because after a show one night it had begun raining quite hard and we all donned those cheap clear plastic ponchos to keep us (relatively) dry.

Our friends, Sherry, Greg, Gumby and Pokey, Michael, Karen, Terry, Ronzo and Cat were there every single year, oh yeah, and Zoid, too. We met hundreds of others during our weekends there, but these were the constants that excitedly greeted “the plastic family” every year as we drove in and set up camp. Sherry quietly sat and read and chatted with us at meals. Michael, Ronzo, Terry, Greg and others entertained us with their playing and conversations. Ronzo had his flashing red lights, funny shaped balloons, knee high socks and shorts to accompany his wacky sense of humor. Turns out he was a clown by trade. Cat, Ronzo’s significant other knitted and talked very knowledgably with us on a variety of topics. She even bought a copy of my first book one year. Michael has always had plenty of wisdom about the world and a calm way of reacting to everything. They have always had plenty of food, shared their time, their resources and chairs with us and never asked anything in return. We always try to think of ways to help out, but its rarely accepted.

We made it!

“The plastic family” missed attending the last couple of years and we waited until the last weekend to attend, since this was the weekend “Trout Fishing in America” was going to play. “Trout” is a couple of guys who play funny, thoughtful, melodious tunes that get everyone to their feet.

We had a great night listening to Small Potatoes and Kathy Mateo Friday night with the most temperate weather we’ve ever experienced in Kerrville. I don’t know what the temperature was this past weekend, but it stayed cool late into the morning and cooled off again early in the day. This is a vast diversion from past years where it was 120° in the shade… that or pouring down rain. One year we were almost washed off the mountain.

A breezy Saturday morning

The pleasantness of Saturday morning made for a casual slow morning. Michael was all set to start cooking breakfast as we sat around drinking coffee and taking in the company. But, everyone wanted to wait for Ronzo, who seemed to be still sleeping in his tent.

One of the many traditions of the Kerrville New Folk Festival is that every night after the shows on the main stage, all around the many campsites across the valley and up on the hills are song circles that go on all night long. No one sleeps much at night and no one cares really how much sleep they get anyway. The music energizes everyone.

But some people do try to sleep in mornings as long as they can. We figured Ronzo was doing the same.

The Quadraplex

Along about 10:30 Sherry and Greg wandered down to the “quadraplex” (the latrine) and as they were coming back they saw that someone was being given CPR and was then taken off by an ambulance. Know one knew who it was, Sherry and Greg didn’t recognize the person’s shape on the stretcher. I passed them on the road as I walked down for my own trek to the latrine. People were buzzing all over the valley about the poor guy who looked like he probably wasn’t going to make it.

When I got back to “Camp Bungie” we sat around the kiddie pool with our feet in the cool water and talked about how sad for the guy and I said, ‘”Well, I have to say, if you’ve got to go, this is how I’d want to go. To be doing what you love to do surrounded by people you love.”

Reality check

About that time a Festival staff person walked up and said she had been told the name of the man that had been taken to the hospital. It was Ronzo. No one could believe it, except Greg who jumped up and said. “I’m going to town.” Someone held Sherry as she cried.

An hour or so later we got the news that Ronzo had not made it. Tears flowed around the campsite. People from all over the ranch came, hugged, cried and sat with us. I sat by Michael and patted his arm as he cried.

Looking for BLAME

Of course, our system goes on, as it always does. The police came by about an hour after we got the news and searched Ronzo’s tent. There was the potential of their having been a crime and they had to rule out foul play. Searching through his tent, getting witness reports, and eyeing the group suspiciously the police went about doing their job. We waited until the detective had done his job and drove off. That was a somber, silent time as we sat comforting each other in the shade of the billowing tarps.

Paradox

It was still a beautiful day with the sun shining brightly and the cool breeze lifting the tarps to and fro. Trout Fishing played a rousing set under the roof of the Threadgill Theatre as normal, and went on to perform at the main stage that night to a thunderous crowd. Karen and I danced and hugged as we listened to Guy Forsythe sing ‘Thank you for my friends”.

Ronzo

I learned a lot I didn’t know about Ronzo. He had been one of the original supporters of the festival and was a stockholder. The campground “Camp Bungie” was annually parked on had been provided by his investment and support in the festival. If not for supporters like Ronzo the festival could never have gotten off the ground. Ronzo had been with his significant other for more than 20 years. He was a political activist and had been a caucus member at the county level supporting Senator Obama for the Democratic Nominee for President. Later I learned that he had specifically requested no memorial service or funeral, that what he wanted was “a big party”. That definitely sounded like the Ronzo I knew and loved.

A sweet tribute

That night after the show, the “Leopard Lounge” down the hill and across the road from “Camp Bungie” hosted a spontaneous group of guitar pickers and singers singing songs about friendship. The “Leopard Lounge” campers all wore shorts, knee high socks and bright red flashing stars in honor of Ronzo’s normal apparel choices. We toasted Ronzo from time to time, but mostly sang songs about friendship and some of Ronzo’s favorites. Greg was the primary singer/picker for the evening and he ended the evening with a raised glass and the words, “Sail away Ronzo”.

I can’t imagine future festival’s without Ronzo, as I am sure most of our “Camp Bungie” group cannot. His lighthearted wit and generosity set the mood for play and gave us giggles and love. Thank you Ronzo for being a part of the “plastic family’s” love of Kerrville. We miss you already.

What about you?

Ever had a sudden loss of a compatriot? How did it affect you? Let me know. I’d love to hear your story.

The Dilemma of the Mormon Sect in South Texas

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 20:53:42 GMT

Cycles of Dysfunction

One of the biggest stories in Texas for the past couple of weeks has been the story about the “Fundamentalist” branch of Mormons who lived on a 700 acre compound in south Texas while practicing their beliefs of polygamy as a valid, spiritual practice allowing all members to experience closeness to God through their patience. This practice has as a centerpiece of its practices the pre-arrangement of marriages of older men (40-50 years old) to girls when they turn 13. The girls are then supposed to become one of their husbands many wives and bear children from which other men will choose their future 13-year-old wife.

Twisted Faith

The members of this sect are loyal Christians believing in the Book of Mormon from some “fundamental” perspective that ordains their behaviors as sacred. All of the children are brought up in this system, and as a part of this system are indoctrinated into believing that they are doing what is right and spiritual, including the males. It’s easy to think of this sect as a group of perverted individuals who prey on young girls and subjugate the women into sexual slavery, because, by our standards and beliefs, that is exactly what is occurring in fact.

Perpetrators?

Of course, this is how the legal system addresses this issue as well, treating the men as wicked perpetrators preying on innocent young girls. We love to look at things in black and white terms in our world, and our legal system is organized to support a clear-cut right and wrong view of the world.

Is legal perpetration any better?

But what if we could step back from the Victim-Perpetrator-Rescuer mentality long enough to consider the wholeness of what has occurred. The practice of polygamy in the name of religion is at least as old as our country. Generations of children have been brought up believing in this practice as a part of their spirituality and taught, through this twisted view of Christianity, that it is the right and proper actions for all involved. Members of the religion believe it is their right to have the most basic of our US Constitutional rights, to practice their faith as they see fit.

In fact, other religions have been honored in their spiritual practices and given rights to do things that would otherwise be considered illegal. Native Americans are allowed to gather and possess Peyote (a psychosis-inducing plant that is classified as an illegal drug). Other religions have allowed the mutilation of children for thousands of years and it is practiced as an accepted part of our culture without question from authorities: circumcisions of male infants.

What is so different about what this sect is doing? Forcing sexual intercourse on anyone, married or not, 13 or not, is rape. But I also think its atrocious to cut on the genitals of infants…

Where is our line?

We must look at the rights of children and certainly forcing them in to marriage and sex at 13 is wrong, but the entire sect believed this to be an honorable spiritual practice, even the men. Their cult, along with all others, is base on a the Cycle of Egocentrism and can only be positively addressed by using the Cycle of Compassion.
We become the perpetrator

Law enforcement swoops down and grabs up over 400 children, many of who are already mothers themselves, and sent them off to overcrowded facilities with caregivers from an entirely different world. This traumatized the children even further and certainly did nothing to help them perceive this new world in which they found themselves seem safe or inviting. So in trying to rescue these children our community becomes the perpetrator, harming them even further. The people they love are now being seen as criminals and the children, then put in a place to want to protect the only family they know, and in spite of what may have happened to them, they want to “rescue” the people we perceive of as their perpetrators.

What is right?

In the “cycle of egocentrism”, which involves viewing the cult members as “evildoers” and criminals, from whom their victims need rescuing we remain caught up in a system of pain and misery. What if we could see these people as wounded individuals who need our help in discovering more productive ways to live with each other and in the world? What if we had some empathy for their worldview and, while taking ownership of protecting the children, and gave them respect for the fact that each of them was doing what they believed to be correct (no matter how ill conceived)? Wouldn’t that change everything?

What do you think?

Whether you understand the bizarre practices of this South Texas cult, you certainly have some opinions about both the cult and our response to it. Let me know what you think.

Comment below. Use the security key – I’ve been being spammed lately…

What are You Projecting?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 23:23:40 GMT

The power of projection

John Gottman is the doctor of love, at least love of the conventional sort—he's an internationally known researcher on what makes marriage last and what makes it fall apart. In his work at the University of Washington, he has managed to apply strict scientific rigor to what seems like the most subjective of areas, and he's popularized his findings in a string of best-selling books (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the most recent).

Our search for the perfect person

He writes about the power of projection in this article from Seatle Weekly. He suggests that our power of projection is so powerful in the early stages of our relationships because we want so desperately to find the perfect person that we will project those wishes on to the object of our desire – whether they have the wished for qualities or not!

This of course sets us up for a disastrous relationship. We think we are getting something entirely differently than we actually get. I have had more than one couple enter my office saying “Where is the person I married?”

What changed here?

They, of course, think their partner has changed, when in actuality, their partner has not changed, but rather the awareness of who that partner really is has now come into the complainers consciousness.

Projection can work the other way around, too. When we carry childhood wounds (and, okay, tell me someone who doesn’t and I’ll tell you somebody’s not being honest) we have learned things about the world that we believe to be true. These are like the Four Agreements by Don Miquel Ruiz, we learn or accept certain things to be true about the world, then we go about proving them through the process of our lives.

Projections at work

For instance, I have a friend who gets really frustrated with her husband because he insists that she doesn’t “listen to” him. My friend is an awesome listener. That’s why she is my best friend, I always feel heard by her. I suspect this is one of those things being projected on to her by her husband. Of course, it could be that she projects on to him that he is never going to be happy with her.

Our wounding

You see how it works? We have some wound from childhood (my friend’s husband’s family never listened to him) and then we go about projecting this as an undeniable truth in our lives “no one listens to me”. It changes everthing when you can recognize your projections.

How about you?

Do you have something you project on to someone? I know most of my life I have projected that my anger is not acceptable (therefore pretending I don’t have any). Or is do you feel someone is projecting something on you that is not yours?

Good Girls Acting Badly

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 16:15:21 GMT

Watch out for those girls!

Yesterday CNN ran a story about women’s tendencies to revenge. Wow, this story certainly validates the statement “Hell hath no fury like a woman spurned”. Teri Garr took a hammer to a cheating boyfriends’ windows and wasn’t even arrested. Catch a guy going that and he’ll spend time in the slammer.

Women throughout history have been considered “the weaker sex” and always considered to be the Victim and rarely thought to be the Perpetrator in any conflict. We like to think of women as nurturing caregivers or helpless victims. We don’t like the view of women as the Perpetrator, so even when we do find them there, we justify their behavior by claiming that (as Teri Garr said) she really was.

Our cultural and biological bias

Our biology and our culture demands that we find someone to blame for anything that occurs and that we put ourselves (and everyone else) into defined roles. This helps our rational mind make stories out of what has happened that we can tell future generations and ourselves. This history making activity is as old as time and we still practice it today when we think of our own lives and the stories we tell ourselves.

In Teri Garr’s story she is the victim, and her cheating boyfriend is the bad guy. But can you imagine his story? “There I was eating my dinner after leaving work and this crazy b**ch starts breaking out my windows with a hammer! Then I called the police and they did nothing! Can you believe it?”

Good guys and bad guys

When we categorize the people in our life stories as being the “bad guy” and “to blame” for what occurs and put ourselves in the Victim position then we can leave the story with a clear conscious that we have done “nothing wrong”. We have a logical explanation for what has happened and we can view ourselves as blameless in the situation. We are good while the other guy is the bad one. Whatever behavior we choose to take retaliation on the bad guy is acceptable since they are the bad guys.

When we are attacked, when our sense of safety and well being in threatened, we have a right to fight back don’t we? After all, not doing something to fight back would be considered weak wouldn’t it? Isn’t that why we have the death penalty in Texas, to punish the bad guys? Isn’t that why we go to war, to defend ourselves from the “evil doers” of the world? At least that is what our president told us.

Self Protectors

When we find ourselves thrown into this (what I call) Self-Protective role, we end up being perceived as the “bad guy” by the other person don’t we? I’m sure Teri Garr’s boyfriend (now, “ex” of course) thinks of her actions that day as being that of a perpetrator. He and his property were attacked after all.

Blame drives the game

What blame does is to assign all responsibility for something on to someone in order to meet our survival needs. We either assign all responsibility for something on to someone else in order to preserve the idea that we are perfect, or at least, not all bad or we accept all the responsibility for something in order to reinforce the idea of our worthlessness.

Blame is all black and white. There is no complex formula that includes partial equations. It’s a simple 1+2=3. But life, as in math, is seldom, if ever, that simple.

Is there another way?

What if we stepped out of the simple equation and started seeing the complexities that are the realities of our lives and our world? How would that change your perceptions, not only of your own life, but of the world?

The US Rescuer

Throughout our national history the United States has been the worlds Rescuers. We give more per capita than any other nation in the world. We take our wealth around the world and help developing nations in whatever ways we can think of (whether that’s the help the country wants or not) and then we move on to our next project. Yet on September 11^th, 2001 the US became, not a Rescuer, but a Victim. We then responded by becoming a Self-Protector, fighting against the perceived perpetrators. Now, of course, the world sees us as the bad guy.

What if we had looked at the equation differently?

What if we had done as I thought Donald Rumsfeld was going to do when he said we needed to look at the circumstances which led to this event? We helped Afghanistan beat the Russian invasion and then left the country broken, and without the means to heal itself. Charlie Wilson warned the US government that it would leave Afghanistan as a time bomb. It was a bomb that exploded in New York City on that fateful day.

It really does change everything when you start to look at the fractions in the equation instead of rounding off the numbers. When you do this you get a much clearer picture. What was going on with Teri’s boyfriend that he would “cheat” on her? Did he think she cared more about her career than him? Did he feel his needs didn’t matter to her? When someone “cheats” then there are obviously intimacy issues within both parties. One person’s acting out on the problem is not good ethics, but they are not to blame for the problem.

What do you think?

Is it easier to think of the world in terms of blacks and whites? Does it make more sense to view people as either the good guy or the bad guy? Tell me what you think. Comment below.

Don't Hold Back Your Anger

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 15:45:53 GMT

New Study on Anger

CNN ran a story yesterday about the results of a recently published study on how much longer we live when we actually speak our true feelings: "The study published in January followed 192 married couples in Michigan from 1971 to 1988 and found that those who kept their anger in when unfairly attacked did not live as long as those who expressed their anger, says lead study author Ernest Harburg, Ph.D., an emeritus research scientist at the University of Michigan's School of Public Health and psychology department.”>

Validation

Wow I feel validated! I’ve been preaching for years the importance of expressing your anger and not shying from conflict. Now research validates its importance to the quality of our lives. Holding back our feelings has dire consequences, it seems.

Of course, that doesn’t mean we have license to attack each other, it just means we are encouraged to speak our angry feelings out loud.

Confusion between anger and violence

Those of us who grew up in homes where angry outbursts accompanied hitting, verbal abuse, throwing things – or worse – are often frightened of anyone expressing their anger, no matter how benignly they do it. Some of us are down right anger phobic, both of our own and others.

In my family growing up, the only people allowed to have their anger were the adults. If one of us kids smarted off or expressed our anger we were punished by being shamed with laughter, sent to our rooms and told we were being “ugly”. But the adults were allowed to hit us with belts, “green switches”, hairbrushes and their hands and to yell and scream as long and as abusively as they choose.

Of course, I didn’t want to be like that myself, and certainly felt ashamed if I ever found myself provoked to anger.

The result is that we think that any time anyone expresses anger they are being violent. We then put them in the role of “the bad guy” and think of whoever they dumped their anger out on as “the victim.”

Choosing to be rational

Many people growing up in very refined homes never witnessed anyone expressing anger directly and they internalize it and rationalize it away without ever having a chance to even let it come to conscious awareness. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist! Just because we renationalize it away doesn’t mean we haven’t felt it, and that it still doesn’t need release.

The physiology of anger

Anger is like any of our emotions, a necessary part of being a human being. We feel anger for a reason, again, like all of our feelings. Anger is there to tell us “Something is wrong. I need to do something about this!” When we fail to express the need to do something differently, we end up locking this “energy-in-motion” (the definition of emotion) into our bodies. The energy of the emotion of anger starts out in our root chakra and moves outward and upward through our bodies. But, if we block the flow of emotion and fight it down using our physiology to stop it (holding our breath, tensing our diaphragm, tightening our shoulders, gritting our teeth) we lock it into place so that it does not get expressed. Then, the effort of locking in that emotion takes its toll on the body. We experience stomach problems, breathing problems, muscular aches and pains, perhaps fibro-myalgia, some say even cancers can be triggered this way.

What I am NOT saying

I am not saying it’s okay to blast people with unbridled attacks, either. There was a period of time when people used “I’m just having my feelings!” as an excuse to attack anyone and to dump their feelings off on others. I am NOT advocating this kind of behavior. What I am advocating is that we all MUST find a way to express our feelings of anger appropriately and consistently if we are to remain healthy and have strong, long lasting relationships.

A paradigm shift

The next time someone appears angry take the time inside to remember 1) this does not mean they are going to hurt someone (necessarily) 2) this person feels something is wrong in their world and may need some help. The shift that takes place when you begin to view anger in this way can change everything for you.

What do you think?

Are you able to handle it when people express anger? Or do you clam up and try to avoid the situation? Is it best to avoid anger and conflict at all costs? Let me know what you think. Comment below.

Barack Obama's Preacher Problem

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 13:51:52 GMT

The Cry of Victims

Now, I am not saying Barack Obama should be our next President, and I'm not saying he shouldn't. But what I am saying is, I like his ability to remain out of the Victim role.

The biggest problem with what his favorite pastor said, in essence, from the pulpit is "Obama is more of a Victim than Hillary". To be exact Rev. Jeremiah Wright said, "Hillary was not a black boy raised in a single-parent home; Barack was," Wright says in a video of the sermon posted on YouTube. "Barack knows what it means to be a black man living in a country and a culture that is controlled by rich white people. Hillary! Hillary ain't never been called a 'nigger!' Hillary has never had her people defined as a non-person."

Choosing not to engage

While what he said is literally true, it doesn't help Obama's case to make him into a major Victim. The real truth is that Barrack Obama chose not to be a Victim. He chose not to spend his life Rescuing the oppressed and becoming a major Rescuer (like Rev. Jesse Jackson) or a defender of the oppressed and becoming a major Self-Protector (like Malcolm X).

Obama's compassionate approach

Instead he has chosen the path of compassion for himself and others. Barrack Obama has chosen the high road for himself, and for his campaign. He has chosen not to become a "Self-Protector" in his behavior toward his opponent. He could have done as almost all candidates have done in the past: attack, attack, attack.

He has not whined about Hillary's attacks and put himself into the pitiful victim role. He has not asked the media to project him in any particular light. He has not asked his advisors and other media stars (like Oprah) to rescue him from attacks.

I voted for Hillary, but Obama'd be okay with me!

I voted for Hillary because I think she has some practical ways of looking at things because of her experience that Obama does not. Regardless, I would not be unhappy if he became president. Someone as able to avoid the easy trap of falling into the Cycle of Egocentrism as Barrack does is high up on my list of people to admire. Having a President of the United States who is able to do this really would change everything!

Is Obama Weak?

Some would say that his avoidance of conflict makes him weak. What do you think? Comment below.

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Domestic Violence and Men by Melody Brooke, Conflict Coach, Counselor, Motivational Speaker

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 01:02:08 GMT

Colorado Snowfall

Anyone notice I’ve been gone for a week? I didn’t really intend to be silent this whole time, but technology failed me. The resort in Colorado didn’t have an effective wireless network, leaving us unconnected to the world wide web for the past week.

And, to be honest, we kept ourselves pretty busy. We drove in late Saturday night the 23^rd. It might not have been so late but our tires did not get along with the road. They didn’t want to move on the ice. Fortunately, in spite of having forgotten many other needed items, we did remember to bring the tire chains. Between the road conditions and the lack of visibility, we were able to reach the astounding speed of 15mph driving through what is known as “Rabbit Ears Pass” into Steamboat Springs. A 90 mile trek that took us nearly 5 hours.

Getting in at 2:30am did not stop us from skiing the next day or going out dancing to Peter Harper. We got up and did it again the next day (even the dancing). We did take a day off, to rest. Then we hit it again Thursday skiing blacks all day until the lifts closed. Friday we got up and checked out other ski towns: Vail and Copper Mountain, then drove down to Denver to my daughter’s in-laws home for the night.

But on Thursday night while sitting in the hot-tub after skiing, Mike and I started talking about some of the subjects that are soap-boxes for us. If I could have blogged right then I would have.

My soapbox

I have an unusual take on intimate violence. It’s unusual because I don’t think in terms of “abuse”. When you use the word “abuse” you absolve the “abused” from any responsibility for what has occurred. Now, don’t get riled up; I know there are plenty of people out there suffering in ongoing violent relationships where one partner is the persistent perpetrator. I don’t deny this obvious fact. I just believe things are not always what they appear.

Men and violence

Men involved in violent relationships are almost always assumed to be the perpetrator. They are almost 100 % of the time the one arrested and put on trial. The woman is given shelter, counseling and support. The man is locked up, forced into “anger management” groups and put on trial, costing them thousands and thousands of dollars. When there is a call made to the police in a domestic violence incident, the police are often required to make an arrest and almost 100 % of the time it’s the man arrested. It makes no difference what the specifics happen to be. Simply being a male means that if there is violence in the relationship you are the abuser. Men are assumed to have more power simply by the nature of their sex. Apparently there are no other criteria for abuse.

Don’t men need shelter, too?

Men are laughed at if they seek shelter from an abusive partner. Throughout the country there are millions of dollars poured in to domestic abuse shelters; less than 1% of those shelters accept men into their protective doors.

Men’s physical strength

Don’t misunderstand. I have witnessed the colossal cost of a man beating up on a woman’s face, ribs, legs, arms and internal organs. Men have more upper body strength, as a rule, and can do far more damage with a single blow than a woman can (generally speaking). But here is the rub.

What is a man supposed to do if a woman abuses him? Leaving might be an option, but what if he is concerned about the welfare of his children? What if he is not in a position of financial stability and cannot financially make it and pay child support? Isn’t he trapped as effectively as a woman needing a man’s money to support her and her kids?

Who is the perpetrator?

As a culture we view men as perpetrators and women as the victims. But in my experience working with survivors of childhood and domestic violence, men and women are equally capable of and culpable for the violence in our homes.

I’ve hears stores of men’s private parts being pulled, their children being kidnapped from them, being barraged with hours of verbal attacks, men being scratched, kicked, hit repeatedly on their faces and their hair being pulled. When the man finally breaks and his rage overcomes him, he’s arrested as the abuser.

Keeping ourselves in the victim role

Choosing to ignore women’s culpability actually keeps women stuck in the role of “the victim”. When we are incapable of experiencing ourselves as empowered human beings, equal partners in both the functioning and dysfunction of our relationships we fail to embrace our power. Women are equally capable of perpetuating violence in a relationship, as are men. We are not merely “victims’ of the “evil male species”.

Equal partners: equal power

Until we can own our power as equal partners both in the violence and in the resolution to the violence we fail to shift into real empowerment.

This is not a case of the “battle of the sexes’. It is a battle for compassion. It is a battle for our own power. Neither men nor women can claim their power by remaining stuck in the victim role. In order to stand toe to toe as partners, and as lovers, we must own that we are equally responsible for the violence that occurs in our relationships.

This doesn’t mean we are to BLAME.

It does mean we have the ability to do something about it. Now, this really does change everything doesn’t it?:

What about you?

Are you in a violent relationship? Have you been in a violent relationship? What happened? Do you think you are a victim and that you had no power? Let me hear about it! Comment below.

If it Were Only So Simple, Martha Beck! by Melody Brooke, Conflict Coach, Motivational Spaker

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 16:20:56 GMT

Heartbreak Academy 101

Today’s Oprah article, Lessons from 'Heartbreak Academy by Martha Beck was on the homepage of CNN this morning. I can find no argument in anything she says. In fact she is right on about our loneliness not coming from our lack of having a partner, but from something inside of us alienating us from other people.
As a young woman I was always lonely, whether I was married or not. I did not have a clue how to connect with anyone, least of all myself.

Indeed we do have to learn a lot of lessons from our heartbreak if we are to have any hope of getting out of the interminable loneliness that we often suffer from. I also agree that the source of that loneliness is a childhood or adolescence trauma or loss. That event, whatever it was, led us to distance ourselves not only from other people, but also from ourselves. It left us fearful of the feelings we hold inside, because at the time we experienced them we could not process them fully. We were to immature developmentally to intellectually be able to work through the impact. So what we do is to separate ourselves from the feelings and sometimes even the memories of the things that stumped us. This leaves us alienated from ourselves, and of course, others.

What is wrong with us?

It also leaves us feeling that there is something wrong with us. Children traumatized in whatever way, always feel “bad”, the “bad” feeling is pain from the losses that occurred, but no one tells the child this crucial piece of information. The child internalizes that “bad” feeling; they think THEY are bad. So then we carry this sense that we are bad forward into our lives and our relationships.

“Positive Thinking”?

Telling ourselves this isn’t true seldom has any impact if it is just words like: “I'm fascinating, I'm beautiful, I'm funny, I'm important,” as Martha suggests. These words have to accompany a feeling of empathy for the child that we were at the time of the loss or trauma. We have to have a logical understanding that we were not really as bad as we feel we are. We have to then offer the child part of us the love and reassurance that the adults in our lives didn’t offer for whatever reason. This allows us then to extend empathy toward the little child part of us that is in so much pain.

The keys are this:

Logically know that a child is cannot really be responsible for the things that happen around them and
Give the child empathy for the fact that you were a victim at that time.

Our capacity for Love

When we can do this for the child part of it opens up our capacity to love ourselves freely without reservation. That doesn’t mean that we are blind to our flaws, it does mean we are able to own what we do that is not so perfect along with what we do that’s great. It means we respect what we had to do in order to grow up even with the tragedies and losses we suffered.

What’s the real problem here?

Of course the real problem with doing what either Martha or I suggest is this: in order to grieve the losses and process the trauma’s – we have to know what they are. Most of us have pieces of our lives that we have repressed, suppressed or dissociated from our awareness. So then we carry pain we don’t understand. We tell ourselves, “I have nothing to feel bad about.” One thing can be certain: if you have had repeated failures at intimate connection you have a history of some type of trauma or loss you have not processed. The inability to become intimate with another person is a clear sign of having unprocessed grief or trauma from your past. It changes everything when you go to the source of the problem and stop trying to medicate it with fixes, like "the right relationship."

What about you?

"Not the Steven I Knew" by Melody Brooke, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 16:16:40 GMT

Not a Villain?

Steven Kazmierczak’s girlfriend, Jessica Baty, said, “That’s not the Steven I knew”. She goes on to describe him as a gentle, kind man who was estranged from his family. She said he had been sent to a “group home” as a teen because he was depressed, and he medication he had been on was Prosac. Clearly, there is more to this story than can be deduced from the actions on that fateful day.

Split personalities or Prosaic’s bad side

Listening to what went on with this young man certainly makes him sound like he could have been DID (Dissociatve Identity Disorder). Jessica Baty reported that Kazmierczak could not recall his childhood and that his parents thought he was “unruly” and sent him away. Depressed and “unruly” both could describe someone beginning to display DID symptoms, and the fact that he could not recall his childhood suggests that he must have had some psychic splitting going on. He also had "obsessive compulsive" tendencies according to Jessica, also a sign of DID.

On the other hand, Prosac has strange and unpredictable side effects. As a counselor I have worked with kids and adults prescribed Prosac and other “SSRI”’s (Selective Seratonin Re-uptake Inhibitors). How SSRI’s work is not fully understood and the side effects for some people include anxiety, aggression and violence. Stopping suddenly can worsen these effects. Steven had stopped taking the drug and, from what it sounds like, without the help of a medical professional.

What and be learned?

We’ll never know what was really going on inside Steven’s head, but we have enough clues to know that Jessica Baty was correct. He was a victim, too, just like the others February 14, 2008 at NIU.

When we are shut off from our “shadow” side, the part of us that we want to deny or not accept, it leaves us prone to this kind of splitting. Knowing that ALL of us have sides of ourselves that we don’t like, that are not in congruence with our values and beliefs can help us to confront them and learn from them.

All of us have “Victim”, “Villains” and “Rescuers” inside of us; it’s in our DNA. We are pre-programmed to have these ways of responding to our world and to a sense of threat. Recognizing this can help us to face the unappealing truths about ourselves and, perhaps, keep us from reacting in aggressive, or even, violent ways. This changes everything.

Maybe we can also be more thoughtful and less prone to try to solve everything with a pill, too.

What about you?

How well do you know your own “shadow side”? Have you explored the parts of you that you dislike or reject? Do you think I am making excuses for a monster? Tell me what you think. Comment below.

Empathy on OPRAH by Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, Conflict Coach, Speaker

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 14:22:13 GMT

Empathy finds it's 15 minutes of fame
This is great. On CNN's website this morning was a link to a story about how cardiovascular health is improved through the experience of empathy. "This workout consists of deliberately cultivating empathy. To empathize literally means "to suffer with," to share the pain of other beings so entirely that their agony becomes our own", says Martha Beck of OPRAH.com.
Developing Empathy
She goes on to talk about how you can develop the capacity for empathy by putting yourself (imaginatively) in a stranger's shoes. She suggests trying on their posture and facial expression (this is a great exercise because it really works) to discover what it feels like in the other person's body. Trying it with difficult family members allows you to transform your relationship with them. Even if you still don't feel you can communicate with them, or want to spend time with them, it alters how you feel about them.

A real time experience of Empathy
A client of mine, I'll call her Samantha, had always resented an uncle who had, she felt, abandoned her as a child. Samantha had worshiped this man as a child and he had chosen to spend special time with her when her parents had been horribly abusive and uninterested in her emotional well being. Her uncle, Jack, had been playful and empathetic with her, and suddenly when she turned 13, he completely withdrew his attention to her. He even moved out of state and rarely visited her. Samantha's parents had died and virtually every other extended family member. Jack was her last connection with her family, but she was terrified of contacting him because she felt such intense anger toward him. In session one day, Samantha began talking about what it had been like in her family at the time of his abandonment of her. Her parents alcoholism had escalated to the point no one was safe from their verbal attacks. Samantha herself had become a rebellious teen using drugs and alcohol to medicate the pain she was experiencing. Samantha realized, that Jack, though he loved Samantha's mother dearly, had left the scene because it had become too painful for him to witness what was becoming of his sister and his sister's daughter. Melting into tears, Samantha suddenly felt a wave of empathy for her uncle. The fear of calling him, the anger at his disappearance, and her resentment toward him vanished. Now, she could call him and have the chance to reconnect after 30 years of resentment.
More than Empathy
But empathy alone is not enough. Many of the clients I work with suffer from "too much" empathy. Because without respect, empathy becomes rescuing. If we don't respect the other person's choice to be how they are, to live with the choices they have made, and to be strong enough to feel their own feelings, we have the tendency to try to take their pain away. Often, we will step in to take over for them to relieve them of the pain we sense they are experiencing.
But this doesn't respect their ability to manage things on their own. When we do this we are keeping them small and encouraging them to stop evolving. As a parent we do this when we see our children really wanting something, so badly, say an ipod or a set of drums. We have so much empathy for how much they want this thing, we feel their pain. What we do then, often, is give them what they want without their having to do anything to earn it. We take from them the character building opportunity to earn and save money toward purchasing this thing for themselves. Now, I'm not saying giving our children gifts is a bad thing, what I am saying is that giving them everything they want kills their potential for growth. When everything is handed to you, you become unable to reach for things yourself.
Owning our own stuff
Empathy without ownership is equally painful. When we have too much empathy for someone we can loose our sense of self. In order to experience healthy empathy, we have to be able to know where we start and end. We have to be connected to what feelings are ours, and what feelings belong to the other person. We are not responsible for the other person's feelings; we are only responsible for our own.
Compassion is what is required
Together these three elements: Empathy, Respect and Ownership are what make up compassion. We have to be able to experience all three, together, to be fully present for ourselves and others. Compassion allows us to remain wholly ourselves and yet present and available for others. Compassion allows us to move out of our egocentric view of the world and experience ourselves and other people differently. Oh, wow, this changes everything.
How about you?
Have you experienced empathy without respect or ownership? Have you been able to be fully compassionate for another person? I'd love to hear your story. Comment below.

Man Stomped Baby to Death a Monster?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 16:54:27 GMT

Monstrous Act

This morning CNN reported that a 21 year old father, Travis Mullis, turned himself in for the murder of his infant son. This was no ordinary murder. This young man, already a father of two (of whom he had relinquished parental rights), stomped in the child's head before throwing him off a bridge.

In 1987 I lost my own son to Sudden Infant Death. He was only two months old. The tragedy of this incident will never leave me, nor will the memory of my precious baby boy. By all reports, the young man had loved this child and not chosen to relinquish rights to this child as he had his other children.

What really happened to this man?

When a person flips in this way and does something this horrendous. This young man was adopted himself, and had a troubled adolescence. He has reportedly claimed to have bipolar disorder, though no evidence of this has yet to be uncovered. Just prior to the tragedy, he told a friend he was desperate to leave his live-in wife (the mother of the baby, Alijah). Then, in a related story, he is being investigated for "enticing a young girl".

What we know about Travis is that he was a troubled person. From the sounds of it, he had few friends, and little ability to connect with anyone. Obviously he had been able to connect with women enough to father some children, but he was completely unprepared to manage any kind of intimate or long term connection with anyone.

The real tragedy

The real tragedy here is not just that Alijah is dead, but that this man never had a chance himself. Who was ever there to care for this boy? Being adopted doesn't, of course, mean that he had no one in his life, yet there is no mention in any of the stories of his parents. I can tell you that if one of my children, (my twins are 22) had been involved in something like this I'd be at their side. The news would not have missed my involvement in my child's life.

Clearly this man had no such support from his adoptive parents. From presumedly an early age, this boy experienced the powerful rejection and abandonment from his birth parents. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not condemning the practice of adoption. But in my clinical experience, adopted children become insecure, anxious adults struggling to understand why they were "not good enough" for their birth parents to have kept them. Open adoptions have helped with this issue as it answers the multiple questions a child has about his birth parents reasons for relinquishing their child.

Travis was in need

Being a "troubled adolescent" indicates that this boy needed help and attention long before this tragedy. Why did no one notice or try to get him help? Where were his adoptive parents? If this boy had gotten what he needed in childhood, he would not have become the world renowned stomping murderer of an infant.

Travis knew he was in trouble but who did he have to turn to? In Texas we offer no real help for people in our public health system. Living in Texas if you have psychological issues you cannot get help through the Mental Health and Mental Retardation centers, because only the "severely mentally ill" can receive services.

Where is our empathy?

Where is our empathy for this young man's tragedy? Obviously, he was hurting desperately about his behavior or he would never have turned himself in to the police. He ran after the incident, undoubtedly in a panic and uncertain as to what to do. But then, over time, he realized he had to turn himself in to the police.

This is a young man who needs help, attention to his own early wounding, and most likely, medication to help his mind begin to get put back together. As a culture, we need to take ownership of our own lacking in our responsiveness to the mentally ill. This man is clearly quite ill, and it's a tragedy that no one helped him even though he had been crying out or help at least since he was a teen.

Not a Villain, just a man

Travis Mullis is a tragic figure to me. What do you think? Is he a monster? Should we be able to find empathy for such horrific acts? Comment below and let me know what you think.

Why Did Mark Jenson Murder his Wife?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 22:07:04 GMT

What Drives a Person to Murder

Mark Jenson and his son were seen laughing and hi-fiving each other the afrernoon following his wife's death. Either the man and his son are cold hearted, perhaps even psychopaths, or there is more here than meets the eye. When a person commits violence against a (previously) loved one, there has to be some history that perhaps has not been revealed, perhaps never will be, about the nature oftheir intimate relationship.

Turning Conflict into Compassion

When we can move into a place of deeper understanding of what happens in our brains when we percieve each other, then we have a chance of seeing conflict from a new perspective. In the extreme case of murder, there certainly has to be some things that went very wrong in the intimate relationshps of the family for this to have occurred.

What we know about how our brains work is that certain kind of rections occur in the brain, often without our conscious awareness that trigger a sense of threat. When the people around us are not aware of or sensitive to our primative reactions to that perceived threat, we can get pretty determined to protect ourselves. Our behavior may appear outrageous or even crazy to those around us if they don't know or understand why we feel so threatened.

Empathy and Ownership can Parlay Conflict

When someone we love or even just care about, reacts in a way that seems unreasonable or outside of what we percieve to make sense, there is more going on inside that person than we know. Paying attention to and responding to that persons pain can go a long way to transforming the conflict.

Then, if we can find something in what the other person has expressed that we can own as our part, the other person then can see that we are not blaming them. When we can say (for instance) "I can see that something I did upset you, can you tell me what it was"' We move out of the blame game and eeper into understanding.

What was really going on?

I am fairly certain we will never know what happened to trigger Ms Jenson's death. But what we can be fairly certain of is that someone felt really threatened and someone else failed to notice. When this happens violence is much more likely to occur.

What About You?

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt really threatned and no one noticed or cared? How did you respond? Or, have you seen someone behave really crazy and not understood the threat they were experiening? Tell me what you have experiened.

Merry Christmas There Is Nothing Better Than Being With Family The Memories Together The Fun

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 22:23:32 GMT

Merry Christmas!

There is nothing better than being with family. The memories together, the fun times when every one is laughing and joking around. But there is also nothing more stressful. My daughters and I have been talking about what it is that makes it so stressful.

Expectations

During the holidasy all of us have expectations about what it will be like when we are together. We all want it to be loving, fun and "miraculous". I know how excited I was to have my kids all together under the same roof for the first time in a long while. And it was a lot of fun. Of course, it's gotten very complicated. My oldest daughter has to spend time with her husband's family. MY twins have to spend time with their Dad and his family at their various get togethers. My step children are all obliged to be with thier other family, too. Then of course there is my parents and siblings, and my husbands family and siblings. It gets even more complex when you add in OUR step parents.

During all those get togethers the expectations is that every one will be happy and everyone will get along. Luckily, mostly they do in my family. Too much time together can make it ugly, but the amount of time we end up spending with each of the above groups tends to go smoothly.

Realities

The realities freqently end up quite different than our expectations. And, just becauase of the expectations, we tend to be on edge, trying to control everything to make sure it lives up to those expecations. Attempts at control, however generally lead to disaster since insistance on control is an addiction to a fantasy.

My kids love each other butu don't always communicate that well. I laugh at this since I am supposed to be a communicator, but I have brought up children that don't know how. Communication requires being willing to face inconvienient or unwelcome differences of opinions. My daughters tend to avoid these. Hmmmm, wonder where they got that.

Anger

So many of us are anger phobic. This tends to force us into manipulating the situations around us since being direct could incite someones anger. Then, when someone is unhappy, we are unhappy with them for not going along with the program.

Being willing to listen to another's anger is a gift few of us are capable of giving, yet the bottom line of good communication and good relationships.

Not letting ourselves listen to another's anger is one of the ways we think we are "protecting ourselves".

Jenna and Doug

Jenna was really unhappy with the way Doug was acting when he went to her parents home. Their 3 year old son had gotten in an altercation with his younger cousin, who was about 17 months old. The younger child had taken something from their son and Doug was furions. He could not understand why Jenna's parents didn't jump up and punish the 17 month old for this behavior. Doug was sure that this, like many other instances he could recall, just validated his belief that Jenna's parents favored the 17month old cousin over their 3 year old son.

Jenna could not understand why Doug was so unhappy. She continually told him that he was wrong for feeling the way he did, and expecting unreasonable behavior out of the 17month old.

Then Doug got to what was underneath. Doug had been feeling left out of Jenna's family for a long time. He felt that they had never quite accepted him and he felt hurt and alone at family get togethers.

The consequences of holding back truth

Jenna had thought that Doug was just unreasonable and irrational. She had been uncomfortable for years when they spent time with her family because he had never acted like he wanted to be there. Doug had never told her about his feelings, or the pain that lay underneath. His parents had often left him alone in his bedroom on Christmas day as they drank their way to obliviion.

Jenna gave him the best gift he could have recieved for Chrismas that year. Listening to his wounding and holding bach her reactivity long enough to listen to him allowed her to present a precious gift to him. She gave him compassion.

What's your problem with anger?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 21:36:07 GMT

What is it with people? We seem to think that we can get close to others by just being around them and doing what the other person wants. Closeness is brought about through a sense of closeness that can only come from shared intimacy. Intimacy literally means: in-to-me-see from the Latin root. Without letting our partner “see into” us we cannot experience intimacy.

What people are afraid of being seen. So the idea of intimacy is really scary. I believe this comes from well meaning parents who try to get us to do what they want us to do by forcing us into their model of what we should be. Who we really are is discouraged, shamed, controlled and strictly forbidden.

The lesson we then learn is that it is not okay to be who we are.

Now, of course, this varies in the extent to which it dominates each of us depending on how severe or controlling our parents were to us. But even parents, who on the surface are very sweet, can be very controlling in their own way. Don’t get me wrong; I am not, really blaming our parents, as is vogue. Because they can’t help it, they were raised in the same way they raised us. >

The thing is, we learned to repress our thoughts, our feelings, our needs, our desires and our very selves in order to get along with those who raised us. Yet to be close to someone we have to unlearn what we learned. We have to learn to let ourselves risk being seen.

How do we know that what people are not going to reject who we are? That is the fear, of course, that no one will like us or want us if they really knew us. That comes from the rejection of our unpleasant feelings we received as a child.

When our parents, understandably punished us for our angry outbursts as a child, or shamed us for displaying anger instead of teaching us how to express our anger appropriately.

What if we were to learn that our anger is always appropriate? The reality is that how we express it is not always “appropriate”, but anger is like all of our feelings a normal part of being a human being!

We have feelings to provide us information. Happiness tells us that things are going well and that this is what we want. Sadness lets us know that we are in a situation we don’t like. Fear lets us know we are in danger. Anger lets us know something is wrong and that we should do something about it.

The problem people have with anger is that they don’t realize that it’s just a feeling. We might feel compelled to act on it, but we don’t have to react instinctively as our gut tells us we should. We have the option, as adults, to figure out what to do with that anger.

Unfortunately, most of us were not taught what to do with anger. Of course we watched what others’ did and that is what we learned. We might have learned that it’s okay to scream, yell, hit and beat others into changing what they are doing. We might have been so frightened by those behaviors that instead of mimicking them, we rejected them and chose to never express anger, thinking that the expression of anger was the problem. We might have learned, through watching those around us that using drugs and alcohol are how you deal with it. Many of us just learned to reject the feeling altogether and pretend that we don’t get angry.

That gets us back to my main point. If we ourselves reject our anger then we can be terrified at the idea of anyone seeing it. And since anger is a part of who we are, we then believe that if someone really knew us they wouldn’t like us.

Therefore we hide ourselves from others, especially those that mean the most to us. The more important someone is to us the less we want them to know us. The result is that we keep ourselves distant from the one person we most want to be close to!

So, stop hiding!

Tell me what you think. Which type are you? Do you hide your anger or what?