Oh WOW! - emotions

Saying Im Sorry Is Hard

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 07:29:08 GMT

Saying I’m sorry is hard, and it’s especially hard to say it to someone who we are pretty sure doesn’t trust anything we say. It can feel like an act of surrender and will give the other person power over you, or will open you up to the possibility of further attack. But would you rather be right than be in the relationship?

The person who feels you harmed them often badmouths you, and that makes it even harder to apologize. Once you have been labeled as a bad guy, your need for self protection increases and it’s really difficult to get those words out.

Admission of ownership or remorse can throw you into the victim corner and bring up feelings of shame.

Often, there is a very bad start when you try to make a verbal apology. The person you are apologizing to may say something like; "You should be sorry!” or "Too little too late", or "I've heard that one before", or "How do I know you won't do it again?" Reactive responses like these come from anger or hurt feelings, but its part of the process.

The words you choose really do make a difference. "I apologize for hurting you" is a lot easier to take than "I apologize if what I said seemed hurtful." And even that is not as strong as "I'm sorry I said you aren’t helping." Don’t qualify it with a “But you” or “But I”… it takes the power out of your apology.

When you are the type of person that tries very hard to do the right thing, to be considerate, and to be helpful, but your efforts to please have backfired - it's just a tremendous letdown to have hurt someone. Accepting that disappointment in yourself can be very difficult and apologizing requires overcoming your sense of shame.

What lies underneath is pride. I don’t mean selfish, arrogant pride; it’s the pride you take in who you are and what you do. Basically your self-esteem is at risk. So to admit that you’re wrong means that you’re admitting that you made a misstep, and that hurts your self-esteem.

Tips for getting an apology:
1. You are a lot more likely to get one if your rebuke conveys your belief in other person’s basic goodness.
2. Publicly chastising someone exposes them to even more humiliation, making an apology even more of a challenge.
3. If the person you want an apology from is someone you know takes pride in themselves, expect it to be hard, and try to make it safer for them by expressing your love or respect for them.

Tips for giving an apology:
1. Express understanding of the other person’s hurt feelings, and that you appreciate why they are angry. (Justifying your feelings will likely be interpreted as you missing the point of an apology.)
2. Communicating vulnerability can help, even if it’s hard to do.
3. Be as specific as you can about the mistake, and as clear as you can about your responsibility.
4. Allow the person time to think about your apology—the time they take may vary but the offended person has the right to determine how much time that should be.
5. Clearly request forgiveness but don't expect or demand it.

I’ve come to the conclusion that we are all very fragile beings. We may pretend we are not, we may even be pretty good at it, but we are. We also have wounds and unmet needs from our childhood that get played out in every relationship we have as adults, which makes our interactions way more complex than we realize.

Gracefully confronting someone with a wrong, and navigating an apology can be very tricky, and very painful. Recognizing the difficulty of the action while at the same time honoring our own need to hear it, is the trick.

G-Spot Anxiety?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 17:05:17 GMT

It appears women will obsess about anything... or is it men? Apparently there has been a rash of upset over whether or not you can "find" the G-Spot and now "experts" are saying it doesn't exist.

Other experts over the years have hailed the G-Spot as the key to the "vaginal" orgasm. Where and how women have orgasm has been such a mystery to medicine since they discovered we could have them. Back in the turn of the century doctors didn't think women could have them, and yet, massaged them vaginally to relieve "Hysteria". (Hysteria was a catch phrase for women who were stressed, unhappy and otherwise emotionally out of sorts)

Back in the 60's the woman's movement put the "vaginal orgasm myth" to bed, insisting that the ONLY orgasm women have is the clitoral one. Hmmm... some women seemed to experience things a bit differently and the "G-Spot" was born. "The Gräfenberg Spot, or G-Spot, was named in honour of the German gynaecologist Ernst Gräfenberg who described it over 50 years ago. It is said to sit in the front wall of the vagina some 2-5cm up." (Times article)

But now, according other "experts", the G-Spot doesn't exist at all and was merely a fantasy? Here is my take: We all have different levels of sensitivity and experience orgasm differently.

The Tantric Sex experts say they can get an orgasm from kissing, from a nipple and well, just thinking about it. So perhaps, it is possible that there are multiple erogenous zones throughout the body, including the G-Spot.

Of course there is the myth of the "G-Spot" for men. But that's another story.

What do you think? Comment below!

Altering the Fear with Drugs; A Good Thing?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 18:57:57 GMT

An article came out on Times Online this week about how scientists have discovered a way to alter our experience of traumatic material with the use of drugs. The article addressed this issue as if it were a new idea, and that some might find the whole idea offensive. The news of the advantageous aspects of using Propranolol to reduce PTSD is not new. I recall hearing about it back in 2001, and there is an article online from Harvard Magazine from 2004.

Indeed it seems there is at least one person who thinks this is a bad idea. Paul McHugh, a psychiatrist at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland is as credible as sources can get; on paper. But when you start reading his works you realize what a yahoo he is in reality. In a recent paper he says, "It is my opinion that MPD is another behavioral disorder - a socially created artifact - in distressed people who are looking for help. The diagnosis and subsequent procedures for exploring MPD give them a coherent posture toward themselves and others as a particular kind of patient: "sick" certainly, "victim" possibly. This posture, if sustained, will obscure the real problems in their lives and render psychotherapy long, costly, and pointless. If the customary treatments of hysteria are provided, then we can expect that the multiple personality behaviors will be abandoned and proper rehabilitative attention can be given to the patient."

As if that weren't bad enough, in yet another article he denies the reality of the PTSD diagnosis itself. He says, "It might be expected that ‘traumatologists’ would be cautious in diagnosing a person as having PTSD upon realising that it lacks a specific aetiology and is possibly not a distinct syndrome."

So when this yahoo says, (of Propranolol) “If soldiers did something that ended up with children getting killed, do you want to give them beta-blockers so that they can do it again?” asks Paul McHugh, a psychiatrist at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland, and a member of the US President's Council on Bioethics. “Psychiatrists are once again marching in where angels fear to tread.” What possible credibility can this guy have?

He clearly thinks that all of the millions of practitioners who have come to recognize PTSD as the underlying cause of a multitude of neurosis are completely stupid, or just naive enough to believe the pain our clients are experiencing.

Regardless, it is clear that PTSD exists, and that we have to discover ways to prevent it, manage the symptoms, and reduce he suffering of the millions of people who have it. Propranolol seems to offer some remarkable benefits both for the long term after effects and for preventing the development of PTSD symptoms within a window of time after a traumatic event.

What do you think?

The real purpose of the Holiday Season

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 23:41:52 GMT

Its practically a cliche that spending the Christmas Holidays with our family is a trying, stressful process. Part of what makes is so, of course, is that we love our relatives, we may even like them, but being with them brings up all kinds of unexpected feelings. We expect to have a great time, share memories, and connect deeply. We seldom actualize that.
If we are fortunate enough, we at least get to enjoy being together some of the time and share some fun.

Christmas
This Christmas I was really excited. For the first time in years we were able to swing a week at our timeshare during the Christmas holidays. This meant that all 5 kids could, theoretically, meet us in Steamboat Springs for a week of skiing and celebrating Christmas together. We used to do it regularly when the kids were younger, but with college, work and husbands or boyfriends to contend with it has become a challenge.
Refusals
Well, the first roadblock was that one of our kids downright refused to go. She never fully disclosed why, but her dad and I were heartbroken. Others struggled to get the finances and logistics worked out, but they all arrived on schedule. One of them, arrived unexpectedly. Living in Taiwan with limited income and lots of student loans, I didn't expect her to get to come. But she surprised me Christmas week by showing up at a family dinner unannounced.
So with all but one of our crew, we spent a week together (the 7 of us) in a two bedroom suite in Steamboat Springs.

We are a diverse group of personalities and needs. My oldest is an outspoken attorney with a dear man for a husband who is somewhat reserved. The twins are bubbly, pleasers who try to make everything work out for everyone (a formidable, if not impossible task). Our youngest is a typical teen in many ways, though struggling with anger issues he doesn't fully comprehend. Then we have my husband and I who are generally pliable and "easy", but we both wanted everyone to ski with us as much as we wanted them to.
The Crucible
It turned out to be a kind of crucible for any unmet needs from their childhoods to surface. No one who has ever survived such an event will be surprised by this I suppose.
I honestly think that the point of the holidays is to help our kids, and us, have a chance to get things worked out differently this time, to maybe heal things that were left broken open when they left home. I don't know that we necessarily accomplished it, but then again, there is always next time.

Brittany Murphy's Tragic Death

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 22:07:12 GMT

Anorexia is a silent killer. It's silent because we don't expect people who look "great" to be near death. In our culture we value beauty; beauty that is often associated with being thin. Because film and TV media put on the appearance of a few extra pounds, there is even more pressure on actors and models to be extremely thin.

Starving is a small price to pay, some would say, for achieving dreams of fame and fortune, and joining the privileged few who make it to become working actors. Brittany was close to success as an actor than most in the profession will ever dream of being. She had had some hit films and a fair share of fans. But her secret battle with anorexia cost her life.

I've worked with clients, and had friends who suffered from various types of eating problems. Even when the person suffering from the disorder is doing it for "professional" reasons, there are underlying issues that drive the disorder to out of control proportions. Usually that something is some kind of unresolved traumatic experience.

Funny thing about traumatic experiences, we don't always recognize them as traumatic. Sometimes we think they are just normal and we are the crazy ones for having a bad reaction to them. We blame ourselves for how we reacted to it, feeling shame and humiliation for having a painful reaction to something that is normal in our experience. An example of this is "spanking" or even verbally berating a child. These things don't, on the surface appear to be so traumatic, but in the wrong circumstances they most certainly can be traumatic.

If you or someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder, whether its from over or under eating, odds are there are underlying traumatic issues that they need support in addressing.

What do you think? Have you ever struggled with a full blown eating disorder and not sought help? Known someone who has? I'd love to hear about it. Comment below.

Tough Times

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 01:14:38 GMT

A lot of us are having tough times today. There was an article on the front of the NY Times this morning about the trauma of being in a terrible "recession". People who have worked hard all their lives are losing their jobs, their ability to feed themselves, and their homes. Maybe, the recession is even harder for those than it is for the poor. The poor have always been poor and have figured out how to manage. But for those that have managed to be middle, middle-upper, or even upper income for a period of time, the loss can be devastating, even traumatic.

I watched a show on Oprah! where Lucy Ling went to the shanty towns in California and interviewed some of the people. Many were middle aged, and parents. Most of their kids didn't even know their parents were there.

This is a time that calls for tremendous compassion, not just for others, but for ourselves. If you are some of those who are struggling to make ends meet, or worse, you are simply unable to do it at all and lose everything, its vital that you keep an awareness of your value in the midst of it all.

In this country in particular we tend to equate value with our financial worth. And while dollars can be evidence that we are producing value, it doesn't mean we are worthless. Each of us, even when we temporarily, or even permanently find ourselves unable to produce income, have value. We can contribute to the world by being who we are.

I recall a client of mine who had a neighbor who was a total hermit. But once in a while she would come out and speak with my client and they shared a love for romance novels. My client found it very touching and meaningful to connect with this woman, even though the woman probably had no idea she made any difference. We can't fully know or judge our own value.

Try to remember that the next time it feels you have nothing to offer anyone. Trust me, we ALL (even me) go through that delusion from time to time.

Compassion for Tiger

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 19:34:30 GMT

I posted on my Facebook page about how little compassion we, as a culture, have for people who act badly. Okay, yes, we are upset that Tiger, who many of us had on a pedestal has fallen so far down. But it happens to the greatest of men in the greatest of roles. Why should we be surprised and why should we be so condemning of them? Bill Clinton was a known philanderer before he married Hilary. Tiger Woods was a known womanizer before he married Erin.

I'm not sure where I heard this, it's not mine, so if you know where it came from please comment and remind me: When our dog barks, leaves puffs of hair all over the floor, and nudges us to pet them at the most inopportune times; we are not angry with them. Why? Because they are dogs, and that's what dogs do. When a philanderer or womanizer continues to do the very things that we know they do, why are we angry with them?

I think it's has to do with the fantasy we women have about ourselves. We have this fantasy that makes us hotter than any other one we can dream up. It's the fantasy that the man we find most attractive (for whatever reason) will be driven to passionate lust only for us and that they will only see and want us for the whole of their lives. We want to be the Catherine to our own Heathcliff living forever knowing we are the only person the focus of our love wants for all time.

Yet, in fact, what we know about men is that there biological drive is to have as many women as possible to "spread their seed". Therein lies the conflict.

Womenfolk's need to be adored by one man alone, and menfolk's need to "spreed their seed".

Men attempt to pacify our need by pretending this isn't so, in order to keep us happy. Women tell men they are "pigs" for having this biological need.

Now, don't for a minute think I am justifying anyone's bad behavior. I'm just explaining how I see the conflict.

Conflict, from my perspective is not a bad thing in and of itself. It's only a bad thing if it's not addressed. If we go into our marriages with blinders, believing that our perception, our position, and our needs are more important and more "true" than our partners, we are in for trouble!

Acknowledging the conflict, coming to a deeper understanding of each others' drives and needs can bring us closer and help us avoid the calamities of the Wood's family. It helps us be compassionate for ourselves; and our partners.

Men are Pigs and Other Lies

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 04:07:48 GMT

I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point I began suspecting that our culture has turned the tide on "anti-feminism" and has become "anti-male". As a mother of a young man who is remarkable, I find this repulsive.

It's so insidious that its likely we won't even notice it. I've noticed it myself at various times. First, I started noticing it in male bashing commercials. Then, in the dialogue of my friends and female clients. The jokes are so commonplace that they have become as real as the air we breathe.

We have become so inured to it that we don't even notice it. We assume boys are quicker to anger, and are less able to control their sexual impulses. We laugh about a man's inability to know how to hold a baby (never mind that he may never have been allowed to hold a child before).

This week, on Oprah! I was shocked to have it thrown out inadvertently both by Oprah herself, and the mental health professional on her show. Drew Pinsky, an addiction specialist and host of the VH1 reality series Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, said he thinks women are "the better part of humanity, containing all the good things about humans" or some such nonsense. What a sad statement of our culture that even our men are convinced they are less-than!

Oprah, being her sincere, caring self was able to offer a lot of empathy for the young woman on her show who had behaved disrespectfully toward all the men in her life. But in the next sentence, to her other guest, she said, that, well, in getting better (in the sex addictions) women would learn to avoid the "jerks". So, the bottom line is, she can have empathy for the females who behave irresponsibly and cruelly toward men, but the men who demonstrate the same behavior are "jerks"!

Until we find a way to have compassion for all us, and drop the habit of bashing men (or women) our divorce rate will continue to climb, and men will continue to have "anger issues" (said as if they have no reason to be an

Tiger Woods Brain

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 18:14:56 GMT

Over the last year Mike and I have used Tiger Woods brain as a way to illustrate how a person can learn to calm their primitive brain under stress. The fact that he can do it on the golf course but can't do it in his personal life (so it would seem) has me thinking.
The Connection
I don't think he has realized the connection. Tiger's ability to calm his primitive brain down enough to always (or almost always) hit the ball well even when millions of dollars are at stake, is legendary. Few other athletes have done it as consistently as Tiger. Yet, in full view of his fans, Tiger has let his primitive brain run amok.

In the wee hours of the morning of November 27th, Tiger slammed into fire hydrant and a tree. Witness's say that he was in an argument with Erin, his wife. My heart aches for him. I know how painful it is to get into that kind of altercation with someone you love. Though, if its true that the lacerations on his face could have been from their altercation and not the crash, it's a pain I have not suffered myself.
What really tugs at my heart is the reality of their pain, and how easily it could have been different. Couples who experience a weekend of the Awakened Heart Workshop with Mike and I can maneuver through primitive brain reactivity with much less upset than can other couples.

I wish someone would refer them to us!

The Case Against Selfless Love?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 03:17:04 GMT

This week someone told me "I don't think I will encourage my children to love selflessly the way I have." I thought about this a lot. The idea that we are only truly loving if we are "selfless" is such a stupid myth.

What people think they are doing when they are "loving selflessly" is that they are being big hearted and noble. In fact, what they are doing is being a Rescuer.

Being a Rescuer means suppressing you own needs and wants in deference to the needs and wants of another. You do this because you think the other person "needs" this from you.

You convince yourself that the other person's needs and wants are more important than yours. Or perhaps you do it because you fear a loss of connection in the relationship if you don't. You don't want the other person to know what you really think, feel or need because then how would you feel if they didn't care? Or you don't share those things because you really don't think they can handle it. Either way, you are not being honest and you are in fact driving a wedge between you.

So the next time you are tempted to be "selfless" ask yourself if it really is that, or is it that you choose to not honor what's important to you just because it's easier to not respect the person than it is to tell the truth.

Feel free to comment, I'd love to hear what you think!

Julie and Julia Inspired Me

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 23:37:07 GMT

I have not been posting blogs regularly. I've been somewhat overwhelmed by working on the Life Beyond Trauma Conference. Other things have taken my attention, too. Helping with the Free to Be Me Concert with a Cause that features my dear friend Donna Kay and myself singing backup, for one. But you know, as Rosanna Rosanna Dana says, "It's always something." So I'm making a commitment to blog every day for a year.

Yes, its true, I am. I'm not that great at those kinds of commitments and I think it will be good for me to have the discipline. Not so great at discipline either. Long term projects usually end up being set aside because I get off onto something else. I am notorious for staring an exercise routine and six months later I've dropped it completely.

Well, a couple of months ago I decided to have more self discipline in regard to my exercise regimen and, so far, I've been keeping it up. Don't hold your breath, but it could actually hold.

Now I'm going to add in blogging. And rather than blog about my ideas (though I know I will get on my soapbox from time to time), I'm going to talk about what is going on with me, in my life and how the heck I do all the things I do. People ask me that, so now you are going to find out. Rather daunting that; exposing myself this way. Nevertheless, I think it will be fun and an awesome learning experience. Whether anyone finds it of interest is another mater altogether.

So, today, I sit in front of my daughter Heather's computer and write this. My own mac is on the blitz since our last ice storm and I haven't found someone yet who can revive it. So I am borrowing Heather's G5 while she is in Taiwan. (hopefully I will get my own before she returns) On my desk is a rather tall stack of papers to be filed, two large bags of balloons with the Life Beyond Trauma logo on them, and miscelaneous other papers. These are left over from the Celebration Balloon Release I participated in this past Saturday. It was an amazing event celebrating the courage and strength of survivors of sexual assualt and abuse.

Lynette, my organizer would be appalled to see the condition of my desk she helped me put together two months ago. However, that said, after her help, it will only take me a few minutes to restore it. Thanks, Lynette.

I suppose it's appropriate that I start this today, the day after Patrick Swayze’s death. I’m still so sad. Only one other entertainer has affected me this way. Steve Erwin, remember him? He was the Crocodile Hunter. What Steve and Patrick have in common is that they both were such genuinely good people. They demonstrated the heart of compassion. Everything they did in their lives and in their careers demonstrated the huge hearts held in their small human bodies.

I’m saddened that we had to lose them both, but I suppose they had done whatever it is they were supposed to do here. But they sure are missed.

Women Perpetrators? Is it a far fetched Idea?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 20:24:08 GMT

ABC Online's SCOTT MICHELS, SARAH NETTER, LAURA MARQUEZ and SABINA GHEBREMEDHIN seem to think the idea of a woman being a sexual perpetrator is far fetched. Do you? I suspect most people find the idea rather rediculous. In our culture women are, as Michels, Netter, Marquez and Ghebremdhin suggest, seen as nurturers and not violent or sexual perpetrators.

Throughout the article, Why Do Some Women Kill, they search for explanations as to why a woman could possibly become so strangely perverse as to do what Melissa Huckaby, a Sunday school teacher and the mother apparently did, which was to rape and kill one of her daughter's friends. The authors of this article propose that maybe she is just covering up for her daughter having accidentally killed the girl, or maybe she just got carried away in the interrogation and said things that are not true. Whether or not Ms Huckaby is guilty of the crimes, it is obvious from this incident that most of us will go to extraordinary lengths to rationalize that a woman could not possibly do what Ms Huckaby admitted to having done.

It’s ironic, too, because just today I read on UPI about a woman in Russia capturing a man trying to rob her beauty salon. Seems she tied him up with a hair dryer cord, fed him Viagra and forced him to have sex with her for two days until she was apprehended and charged with rape.

Both articles are evidence that women are indeed capable of doing things sexually perverted and acting as perpetrators of sexual abuse. Does this shake up your belief system? I know it does for a lot of people.

The idea that women could do such horrendous acts was beyond my own belief until I began working with sexual abuse survivors more than 20 years ago. Slowly but surely I began to accept the truth of what my clients were telling me. In spite of what statistics will show us, I have every reason to believe that women perpetrate as much violence and sexual abuse on their children as do men.

I know it’s a radical statement to make and statistics being what they are, will not back me up. But statistics rely on one important measure: self-report or outright evidence. In my experience the victims of female perpetrated crimes will not admit to having been perpetrated by a woman for lots of socially understandable reasons. In our culture, as the ABC article states are thought of as being the "nurturer" and to accept, even for ourselves, that what our mothers, sisters, aunts, and grandmothers did to us was abusive flies in the face of our most sacred beliefs about woman's role in society. This is also why, even when a victim risks ridicule, rejection and dismissal to tell someone of their abuse by a woman, they are exponentially less likely to be believed.

Until we can begin to look at what I firmly believe to be absolute truth, that women are as guilty of sexual, physical and verbal abuse and violence as are men, the cycle of abuse and violence that plagues our world will never be eradiated.

What do you think? Has a woman in your life ever beaten, hit, screamed at, emotionally, verbally, or sexually abused you in any way? Do you think it's impossible? Improbable? Comment below. This is an incredibly important topic.

The Case for Speaking Truths

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 17:29:08 GMT

Anger phobics tend to avoid speaking their truth at any cost. I think that has been true of me most of my life, for a variety of reasons. Funny thing, though, most of the time it happens is when the person is important to me. I can say almost anything to a waiter.

But my children, my husband, my best friend, or my boss... well, that is something else altogether. Speaking my truth to them has a higher cost than it does a waiter. Only in the past few years have I begun to recognize my misplaced priorities. The waiter or clerk has better things to do than deal with my own misdirected hostilities. Because the truth is if I come across as angry to them, they don't really care. They may placate me, but they don't really care. It would be beter to speak my truth to people who care wouldn't it?

Speaking truths to the people who are most important to us can be terrifying. What if they disown us (our kids or parents) or leave us (our partners or friends)? Being able to speak our truths requires a level of trust and skill in communicating. But if we do it before we have fully explored the feelings ourselvees, it's possible we will incite more conflict than is necessary.

When we practice compassion for ourselves and everyone else, we are more likely to speak truths in such a way as to be heard, and to have a reasonable outcome. When we can own our own truths and speak them with empathy and respect for others we pathe the way for deepening our connections and communication.

Domestic Abuse Myths

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 16:15:24 GMT

Five mistakes we make when we talk about Rihanna and Chris
Brown's relationship.
Today on the newsweek site Raina Kelley's article, "Domestic Abuse Myths" appeared on the web. She is right is some ways, of course, there is a cycle that happens when abuse is taking place and both parties take part in it. She is also correct in that no one should ever have to accept physical abuse from another person and the "Injured Party" has to get help.

It's also interesting to note that while the larger the person is the more dmage they can do; there are plenty of cases of women being perpetrators of physical abuse to their spouses as well. These cases to not result in arrests or taking pity on the injured party since they cannot do as much physical damage. Plus, men tend to get laughed at if they complain about a woman abusing them. But the dynamic of physical abuse happens to both men and women. It's just not "manly" to consider yourself as having been abused by a woman."

The thing is, there are five major mistakes when the media and others talk about what transpired between Chris Brown and Rihanna.

Mistake #1 Blame
Its easy to blame the perpetrator of abuse for the incident. Its easy to see them as the bad guy because they, clearly, were the ones that lost control and caused physical injury to the other person. But the reality is, both parties are always a part of the cycle and can and do learn to change from a posture of blame and fault to one of empathy and compassion.

Mistake #2 Considering yourself a Victim
Both parties feel like Victims. When you consider yourself to be a "Victim" of someone else, and the world at large supports that position, you are powerless to do anything to change what is happening. You are innocent and have no power in the situation. That's what defines a victim isn't it?

Several years ago Oprah had a show on domestic violence perpetrators. She went to a facilty where men were being treated and given help for their behaviors. Oprah could not comprehend how these men could possibly behave as they did. One man, who had taken a frying pan to his wife's head, helped her understand. He told her that what happened is that he felt so out of control, so powerless in the situation that he felt driven to do what ever he had to do to make the pain and misery stop. At that moment, Oprah got it. She said, "Oh, it's just like me and food!".

Rihanna, like other adults being abused, have the power and responsibility to learn from what is happening and take action to change. Chris Brown has the power and responsibilty to learn and take action to change. But neither is really a Victim.

Mistake #3 Having No Empathy
Whether you are the person being beaten or the person doing the beating, when abuse occurs, it occurs in the absence of empathy. Neither party has any understanding or empathy of the other person's pain. Someone who strikes out in fear and pain by hitting someone else feels terrified and horribly alone. They feel as if the person who is supposed to love them and understand them has become their enemy by hurting them beyond tolerance. Of course, then the person they hit feels exactly the same way. But the person beaten is clearly the victim, right?

Learning to have empathy for the person doing the hitting is the only way to change the pattern. This is not to say excusing the behavior, but it is to say having empathy for the pain and helping the person change.

On the same Oprah episode, a woman who was in her second marriage and third abusive relationship spoke up. She said (roughly), "I began to recognize that something that was going on had to have something to do with me. This was my third relationship in which I was being hit. I knew this man loved me, but something I was doing had to have something to do with what was going on. When I began to have empathy for what he was going through and how my behavior was impacting him, things began to change."

Mistake #4 Taking No Ownership
When we are in a conflict with someone else, the conflict will escalate out of control if one party refuses to take ownership of their part in the conflict. Ever had a conflict with a business? What makes us irrate is when no one in the company will acknowledge that we have been injured.

In the past few years, hospitals have begun to implement a policy of telling patients who have been injured by malpractice or neglect that they are sorry this happened. The hospitals have recognized that by accepting responsibility they are much less likely to incur legal action if they accept responsibiity than if they do not. This goes against traditional legal views, but is in fact born out in actual statistics. Things do not escalate if when ownership is accepted.

Mistake #5 Not Respecting
When someone goes to the hospital with injuries, like Rihanna, or shows up with blackened eyes we assume they had no responsibilty in what occurred and they are incapable of having protected themselves. This is remarkably disrepectful of the person. Obviously Rihanna is substantially smaller than Chris Brown, and in an argument turned physical, he clearly has more physical power. But that does not mean she was powerless.

When we, as a culture, decide that someone is powerless, we remove any potential for them to behave in responsible ways for themselves. The result is that we actually cripple them by encouraing them to see themselves as having no power or responsiibility in their situation. Like the woman on Oprah, Rihanna has to learn how her behaviors impact the relationship and how she can shift her awareness to change the dynamic between the two of them. Otherwise if its not Chris Brown the next time, it will be someone else.

Simple Model Not Easy
This simple model, "The Cycles of the Heart" can transform how we experience conflict and our most intimate relationships. It can literally change everything in how we respond to ourselves and the world. But, while it is simple, it is not easy to do. It requires shifting how we have viewed ourselves and our world. It's no small task.

What Do You Think?
Have you been a victim of abuse? Have you perpetrated abuse? Do you think I am dead wrong or right on? Let me know. Comment below.

Medical Excuses for Not Being Sexual

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 22:24:01 GMT

No Sex for ME
Medical issues cause real problems at times for many people. These are real, severe problems that can make us feel like sex is impossible. Or at the very least it can make us feel like we are damaged goods. For some of us it has just brought on so much frustration or discomfort that the it just seems easier to do without it.

Honestly, I can understand how frustrating it can be with something that should be fun and natural causes so much pain and irritation that just not doing it at all seems preferable. I have suffered from food sensitivities for years. Trust me, there have been plenty of days I wished I could just give up eating altogether. It just didn't seem worth it! But of course, we have to eat to live, don't we? So not eating really wasn't an option.

Living Without Sex
Sex on the other hand, is something we believe we can live without. After all, many people go years without it and seem to function just fine. The problem with this is that apearances can be deceiving. Our emotional and physical well being suffer dramatically when we are not having sex on a regular basis. New studies reinforce the truth of the multiple benefits of having regular sex.

Is Having Regular Sex a Life or Death Matter?
Here's what Paul Ellis of 4menshealth.com discovered, "In 1997 an inquisitive British doctor published a study that followed 918 men between the ages of 45 and 59 for 10 long years to determine how sexual activity affected their life spans. Here’s what he found: Men who had two or more orgasms every week were half as likely to croak as those who averaged fewer than one orgasm a month."

Why Not Quit the Excuses?
Many medical conditions can cause you to have problems having sex. Being diabetic, having a heart condition, uterine cysts, fibroids, being on certain medications are all known to cause physical difficulties in having sex. Nobody should question that these are real problems, that is not the point here. The point here is that having these problems are not justification for simply denying yourself and your partner the joy and benefits of having great sex.

Don't Accept the Excuse!
Obviously you have to be empathetic to yourself or your partner for the problem, but it isn't a justification for dropping out this vital part of your life. Its just a hurdle that you two have to overcome together. There are solutions, even if the solutions require you to compensate for intercourse with other methods of sexual gratification. But there is simply NO excuse for pretending that sex doesn't matter. Clearly, it does matter, to your health, to your lifespan, and of course, to your relationship.

What do you think?
Am I off my rocker? Is sex not as important as I think? Or am I right on? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Comment below.

Kerrville New Folk Loses Yet Again

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 04:18:16 GMT

Michael Kern, the Kerrville Budda

My family and I have been attending Kerrville since 1996. The first year I met Michael and the Camp Bungie group when my friend Erika Scott and I camped beside them the second weekend of the festival. The Camp Bungie group treated us as old friends even though we had only just met. But over time we did become "old friends".
My twins were 9 that first summer we camped beside Michael, Ronzo, Sherry, Greg and Kat. But on a yearly basis my kids got to know what the Austin/Kerrville music world was about. We spend many steamy hot summer days and nights laughing and cooling our heels in the the wadding pool next to the camp.

I will never forget the expression on Michaels face the day that my twins, then 9, began playing "paddy cake" to the rythm of the song he was playing. I don't remember the son but I remember the joy on his face and the girls faces. I think I have a photo somewhere. I am going to look for it this weekend.

Grief is an odd thing

From year to year we think about Michael during the time between with fondness and eagerness to see him again, like an old family member you love but only get to see on holidays. But Michael brought our family a unique touch of calmness and generosity that nobody in my family expresses. Of course, we also have the joy of listening to his music on our ipod and computers as we work. This has become more of a regular thing lately since I have been working from home almost every day since August 1st. His music is a regular companion. I don't feel the loss yet, really. I mean, I know he is gone, Greg called to tell me about his passing on Sunday. But it still hasn't sunk in.

What will it be like in Kerrville now?

You know, the strange thing is that I think I will miss him more than I will miss either of my parents when their time comes. I felt closer to him, during our annual visits then I have felt with my parents since I left home. Michael knew how to connect with people on such a deep level. He could cut right to the heart of a matter without much thought and knew what to say to settle a disagreement or to build you up if you felt down.
We have photos of all the crew eating with us, playing music for us, and waving good bye as we packed up our tent and headed out until the next year.
The reality of it won't really hit me until we drive up to Camp Bungie and not only is Ronzo gone, but our dear friend Michael, too.

Heaven's Folk Band

When Janis Joplin, Jimmy Hendrix and Elvis died there was a song about the great rock and roll band in heaven. Well, now it seems to me there they are, Ronzo and Michael playing to their hearts content in heaven. But by gosh, I wasn't ready for them to leave here. Selfish though it may be, I hadn't heard enough of his wisdom or his music and I don't know how I will survive a weekend in Kerrville without him.

Women and Mid-Life Affairs

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 15:27:21 GMT

Really? Having Affairs at 40?

According to the Sydney Morning Herald, women re-discover sex at 40 and are prone to having affairs. Apparently, being in your 40's free's you from the old ideas about having to look a certain way or being overwhelmed by the need to have sex for security.
As women of chidbearing age we have to look out for a male who can help us raise our children, but after 40 we are free to do as we like.
Okay, well, we will set aside the reality that women are having children at older and older ages for the sake of argument. This article speculates that increased testosterone dominance can play a role, since estrogen and oxytocin diminish as we get closer to menopause.

Do our bodies dictate what we do with our sex life?

Of couse, we have always heard that men are driven by their testosterone levels to behave in more sexual ways than most women, so there could be some truth in the theory. But just because we feel the drive to have sex more, does that mean we have to abandon our husbands? This article would suggest that our boring husbands are at fault and that it's because we choose to marry somene who was not the kind of guy we would ultimately find attractive in our 40's and our newly discovered passion.
This article quotes some woman for whom her husband is the last person she would want to have sex with. How sad for her, her kids and her husband.

What about the husbands?

We could write off the husbands as clueless, boring bums. Or we could consider that perhaps these women are not communicating their needs and desires to their husbands in a way that could transform their marriage rather than stepping out. Yes, its more work, but in the long run its safer, and more satisfying.
Recent studies show that great sex is dependant on emotional connection, even for men. In spite of our beliefs that men can separate sex from emotion, what really gets them going sexually is that emotional connection, just like with women!
So what happens to these poor husbands when their wives unilatterally decide to go off and have an affair?
My guess is they sit at home unsatisfied. This same arcticle claims men don't start having affairs until they are in their 50's. To me this means men or more committed to their marriages than women!

What's the alternative?

What if we could deliberately make the effort to improve our emotional connection with our partner, taking the steps to deepen the connection instead of cavalierly jumping off into affairs? How would that alter our national divorce rates? I'm guessing we could have some pretty powerful changes in those rates if people started re-assessing the possibilities within their current relationship rather than just letting it go because it's "boring". It reminds me of a saying I heard when I was younger and taking a lot of workshops. "You only get out of it what you put into it." The same can surely be said for marriage.
As most women have difficulty saying what they want in the bedroom, it could be that sex has become boring because they haven't told their partners what is exciting for them. My experience is that most men really desperately want to please their wives.

What turns us all ON

I recall watching an OPRAH where she had some sex therapist talking with a couple about their dwindling sex life. She asked the woman what her fantasies were and they were about domination and his taking control. She asked the husband what his were about and they were entirely about his wife being pleased. He wanted to watch her having sex with someone else so that he could see the pleasure on her face, because he didn't believe he could do that for her. How sad is that??? The bizarre part is that the therapist didn't even pick up on that fact that his desire was totally connected to his need to have her enjoying sex.

When we can communicate with our mate what it is that turns us on, it excites them. When we show our pleasure to our partner, they get excited, which then turns us on.

This is a huge part of what it takes to make sex exciting and trully great. It pisses me off when the media picks up on the stepping out but ignores the fact that these women are walking out on perfectly good husbands who probably desperately want to know what excites their wives. But because these women choose to step out rather than communicate their needs, they walk away from the person committed to them who loves them and is really there for them.

Rather than stepping out step IN

I'm pleading with you women! Stop seeing your husband as the problem and start recognizing that the problem is the relationship, and YOU are a part of that. You can begin by stopping the blame and step up and take responsibility for your part. Learn how to have great sex with the man that loves you and has been there for you before you betray his devotion. If you try and it doesn't work, that's one thing, but if you just keep doing the same thing you've always done and the just give up, well... how sad for you both, and for your kids.

The Case for Lasting True Love

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 17:55:44 GMT

Arthur Aron, a psychologist at Stony Brook, is said to have reported to the Sunday Times that “Traditional views of romance are that it drops off sharply in the first decade”. But he goes on to say that for some people (10%) romance remains as acute after decades.

Its for real!

“We are sure its real” Aron says.

Researchers at Stony Brook say they scanned the brains of couples that have been together for more than 20 years and then compared them to the brains of newer lovers. The results: 10% had the same level of chemical reactions when showed photos of their loved ones as those whose romance has just begun.

According to earlier research, romantic love fades after 15 months and is completely gone after 10 years! (according to the NY Times)

The real question

My question is: why is it that for 90% of us “love” fades so fast?

What erodes love so quickly? In my experience of working with couples over the past 20 years, its mainly because the “love” most of us start out with has little to do with the person we are “in love” with! We have a whole slew of fantasies about what and who this person is that we have found. These fantasies only vaguely resemble the object of our “love”.

The illusion

It is impossible to maintain “love” when the illusion that we have woven is broken down by reality. Now, that does not mean the person we picked is not lovable! It just means that what we thought we got is not what we actually got. Surprise, surprise, the person we picked because of our fantasies of who they are doesn’t usually turn out to be who we made up that they were!

Most of us are so desperate for love that we will pretend to have found it even when it is clearly not there. Stalkers and “fans” are an extreme example. They have no idea who the object of their affection really is, its all made up in their own heads.

When we e discover our lover is not who we think they are we have let go of the illusion.

Disillusionment

The disillusionment stage is generally the phase in which most marriages start to dissolve. Having illusions about who and what someone is means we didn’t really know them in the first place.

Once the illusion is gone we can begin to discover who they really are and here is the real surprise: just because they are not who we thought they were doesn’t mean we can’t love them!

The good news

A lot of pre-arranged marriages become quality, long lasting love affairs. Why is that? Because once we get right down to it, with the right ingredients of behavior and respect we are all loveable!

The good news is that this means we are not as awful as our disillusioned partner may think either. Being dis-illusioned means no longer being stuck in a fantasy. That is a good thing. Let the disillusionment help you discover your lover, and your lover discover you. Whoa, I know it’s scary but truth really is better than fiction! And, it changes everything.

Comment

Have you suffered a disillusion of you lover? Have you discovered how amazing the real thing is? Do you agree with me or not? Let me know. Comment below.

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San Diego Plane Crash Victim's Amazing Compassion

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 23:30:16 GMT

On Monday I was startled to see a news report on CNN about a jet crashing into a home in San Diego. Of course, my first thought was, “Oh, God, where was that?” My oldest daughter lives north of San Diego near Miramar. Once I realized it was far from where my daughter lives, I thought, “Oh, I hope no one was home. Its daytime, so maybe the people were at work.” Unfortunately, of course, that was not true.

I read today that a young woman, her mother and her two infant daughters were killed in the crash. The dear man who is the grieving widower and father, Dong Yun Yoon, was quoted in today’s CNN report about his reaction to his loss.

Amazing Compassion

This remarkable young man demonstrates the power of true compassion in what he told CNN. He said “"Please pray for him not to suffer from this accident. He is one of our treasures for the country. I don't blame him. I don't have any hard feelings. I know he did everything he could.” How many of us could express such feelings after someone had killed our most beloved family members?

Certainly, Dong Yun Yoon will get through this tragedy in better shape than many people get through equally as devastating ones. His compassionate heart leaves room for the possibility of healing with a lack of blame and revengeful, punitive beliefs, which typically block healing. It truly changes everything when you can allow yourself to fully respect and have empathy for the perpetrators of your loss instead of moving into what our reptilian brains would have us do: blame.

That poor pilot!

Whether the poor bloke who dropped his plane on Dong Yun Yoon can have the same kind of empathy and respect for himself is a whole other question indeed. He is said to have been distraught at the idea that someone might have been injured in the incident. The trauma of what occurred for the pilot will be even more difficult for him to heal from if he is unable to have the same amount of compassion for himself. I pray that he is able to have the same amount of compassion for himself as does Dong Yun Yoon.

How about you?

Can you have this kind of compassion for those who have injured you? Have you been able to do this? If so or if not, I’d love to hear your story. Comment below.

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Dr. Phil, Please Get Some Help!

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 18:40:34 GMT

Speaking up

Okay, I know no one is a “bad guy” but I have to seriously question the health and intentions of Dr. Phil. He is in serious need of some kind of intervention. He is likable and has a lot of smart, pithy things to say, but he has crossed over the line. I was getting my nails done last week and was forced to listen to his show. He had some sort of “Retreat” program with 16 people going through his “program”.

TV Therapy

What a lot of people don’t know is that to be able to go on TV and intervene with people the way he is doing, you have to give up your licensure as a professional. Dr. Phil is an unlicensed psychologist. There is nothing wrong with that, per se, but people should know that he is not licensed and that it is for a reason.

Professional counseling and psychology licenses attempt to regulate what it is okay to do and what is NOT okay to do. Professionals lose their license when they do something that is considered to be inappropriate or unethical of a professional. Dr. Phil’s doing therapy on national television is considered to be unethical, that is why it’s forbidden for license holders.

Dr. Phil’s Retreat

On this ‘retreat” program I suffered through I watched innocent people going through hell. Dr. Phil used his undue influence to coerce these people into revealing the most intimate details of their lives and trauma history in front of millions of people. Okay, he was trying to get the point across that being victimized is not the defining thing about us as human beings. His point is when we hold the secret in our entire lives and let it dominate our emotional lives; it becomes the dominant factor in our lives. The supposed point of this exercise is, we are to believe, getting rid of this excess baggage.

The Problem of National TV Therapy

The problem is multidimensional. To start this, this is therapy and therapy is by necessity something that should be private and confidential. He was doing group therapy on national television, exploiting those peoples pain and suffering for his own ends. He was directly benefiting from their suffering. This is not only unethical; it’s immoral. Now those people will walk down the street and be recognized as “Oh, there is that guy that was raped when he was nine!” How is that going to help rid him of his Victim baggage?

Sure, there will be some short term benefit of relieving oneself of the burden of carrying around the secret, but the long term effects of exposing such vulnerability on the national stage is not something that has been researched. We have no idea how this could impact someone as vulnerable as a severe abuse survivor. Neither does Dr. Phil, what’s more, he obviously doesn’t care. I’m sure his ratings went up and that is what is most important isn’t it?

It’s Exploitation

I am surprised that more counseling and psychology professionals are not as upset by this obvious exploitation of these brave individuals. I can only imagine the amount of pain and suffering they will now have to endure as a result of Dr. Phil’s exploitation of them.

Dr. Phil, Please Get Your Own Help

Of course, I know that anyone causing this much pain to another person has to be holding in a heck of a lot of their own pain. It makes me sad for him. He is out there with the Rescuer mode in his head and in fact injuring people in the process. I suspect he buys his own press, thinking he is this great and helpful person. And this is not to say he hasn’t helped some people, I am quite sure he has. But the reality is that Rescuers do sometimes help people but in the process also injure a lot of people, too. I should know; I spent a lot of my life as a Rescuer.

Is Dr. Phil Injuring or Helping?

Let me know what you think. I am opinionated but not closed-minded. I would love to hear what you think. Comment below.

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The Seven Day a Week Church Challenge Begins!

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 03:14:33 GMT

Ed Youngs'Challenge

The challenge Ed Young the minister of the Fellowship Church in Grapevine, Texas started as of today has turned the Christian world on its ear. His challenge as many of you may have heard is for all the married couples in his congregation to have sex daily for the next seven days. The uproar this has created in the news and the Christian world is funny. At least it is to me.

Sex every day?

What is so strange about the idea of having sex every day. I mean, I am a woman and while I understand that many women are appalled at the idea of having sex every day, it makes complete sense to me! Why is it such an unwelcome a thought for so many people?

When you use sex as a weapon or as a tool for trade or do not have an intimate connection with your spouse then I suppose the idea of having sex every day. But the reality is that when 60% of married couples say they are unhappy with their sex life and 40 million American couples say they have a sexless marriage this is an important issue.

Clearly if the idea of having sex every day is a problem for you then odds are there is a problem in your marriage.

Joyful sex

Intimate, joyful sex is the heart and soul of a good marriage. If you can’t imagine “making time to make love” (to quote Ed Young) then you’ve got a problem.

Amazingly making sure that you make time to make love will create more connection and intimacy and is the best divorce buster!

When kids know their parents are being sexually intimate they feel more secure just because they know their parents are connecting and showing caring for each other. When you are playing sexually with your spouse you are increasing your sense of well being personally and your relationship is transformed.

But of course, the truth is, it’s hard for some people to reconnect sexually when they have been distanced for a period of time. Heck I have known couples that have not had sex in years and years. Now, that is sad. Learning how to begin having sex at all is a start that can be really hard in and of itself.

Intimacy

Ed Young says it reveals your true self to your partner when you are having sex. Well, yes, I can see how that is true. If you are insecure that is going to show up in the bedroom. If you are fearful of intimacy you it will show up there.

How do you overcome all the blocks? Ed Young has a lot of good thing to say about that but I have to say, he’s not a mental health expert so he might be missing some of the more subtle points.

Bottom line is that he’s right in some really important ways and I am glad he’s opened up this topic in such a pubic way. Intimacy and sex have been separated so much in our culture but research has shown that even men (whom most people think of as being able separate sex from emotions) need emotional intimacy to reach peak sexual enjoyment. Getting to deep sexual intimacy is often complicated, but oh, is it ever worth it. Should be some happy faces at next Sunday's service!

What do you think?

Is it a crazy idea to have sex every day? Is it possible to be unselfish and giving to our partners sexually to the extent of having sex every day? Comment below!

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Seven Days of SEX, in a row!!!

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 16:19:35 GMT

It is splashed all over the media, Fellowship Church’s Grapevine, TX pastor, Ed Young, is challenging his married parishioners to have sex for the next seven days. Why is this news? Most religions encourage and honor sex in the sanctity of marriage. Even a stodgy group like North American Mission Board, an arm of the ultra conservative Southern Baptist Convention emphasizes the importance of good sex in marriage (see Sexual Response in Marriage).

What I find really surprising is the public, or at least some of the media figurehead’s reaction. Sex. For SEVEN DAYS STRAIGHT! They don’t think its possible and they sure don’t seem to think its really desirable. One CNN anchor even suggested that pastor Young would be an accomplice to rape since the women would have to be having sex against their will.

Based on the short video segment I saw, I think Young was trying to do two things: Expose the obstacles to a good, intimate relationship that included joyful sex AND suggest that sex every night is a reasonable and attainable goal.

To all of the nay sayers, I have to ask “Why not plan on having sex every night (and some mornings).” Here’s the deal, if you are really taking care of your partner, taking the time to enjoy them, how can you not end up having lots of great sex?

This is a topic that is near and dear to Melody and me. In fact, you can expect to hear much more about this from us in the next couple of weeks.

Until then, are you having the kind of sex life you want? Do you think it is possible to make sex and the rest of your relationship more joyful? Please email or leave us a comment so we can include what you think is important.

John McCain concedes, Barack Obama will be the next President of the United States

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 18:58:28 GMT

Politics is high drama. It relies on the Drama Triangle to label the good guys and the bad guys and prove we are the wronged victims. We are entitled to do whatever we need to regain our stature, property, or rights. Obama used it, McCain used it. So did Napoleon, Hitler, Yamomoto, Churchill, and the Roosevelts. Sadly, they have to because it works.

Concession speeches usually fan the dying embers of their cause’s victimhood. They aim to bank the fire so it can be used to ignite the next run for office.

As Barack Obama said in his victory speech, there are few who have endured more than John McCain. I don’t know how you survive the hatred and inhumanity of nearly dying in the Hanoi Hilton. But McCain did. And he was a driving force for establishing economic and political relations with his former captors. He escaped the usually life long handicap of wallowing in his mistreatment by letting go of his victimhood and forgiving his captors.

He showed his character again last night. His concession speech was not about him or his cause. Respect and admiration for Obama were evident in his words and his actions. This is the McCain that we have known and respected for decades, whether you think he should be president or not. America made a choice. They didn’t pick him. Still, he doesn’t see himself as a victim. How many of us could say the same?

Posted by Mike Henricks

Emotional Contagion

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 02:15:40 GMT

A recent article on Oprah.com warns us that our spouse’s moods might be catching. It says doctors are concerned because a heart bypass patient with a “neurotic and anxious” spouse is more likely to be depressed after 18 months. They don’t seem to concerned about the neurotic spouse’s contribution to the need for a bypass in the first place.

Posted by Mike Henricks, Melody's husband and partner.

Of course our spouse effects our moods, our health, everything. Unless you take the view that a spouse is just a business partner with “benefits” you already knew that. I’m really disturbed by this popular view that our closest, most vital relationship with someone we have chosen to try and spend the rest of our life with should be a “just when it suits us” thing. It is just nuts.

Even our bodies know better than that. The article blames our “mirror neurons” that make us much more sensitive to the emotional state of our lover for our “catching” our partner’s foul humor. Those mirror neurons help us pick up and respond to the most important person in our life, our life partner. The article suggests you “disengage” from your spouse when they are negative. Can you spell abandonment? What you need is perspective, compassion, and respect. The entire “Oh Wow” approach to relationships is built on helping you understand what is yours, and what is theirs. This lets you stay present as just your normal self (that’s the best version of you, anyway) instead of taking some artificial stance to protect yourself or abandoning your partner, You can stay connected to them without being sucked into their current crisis.

It is supposed to be a marriage, after all.

Posted by Mike Henricks, Melody's husband and partner

What ME a Sex Addict?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 00:39:59 GMT

Only a few of us think that the way we participate in sexual activity is addictive, but often the beginnings of sexual addictions show up in covert ways that we may miss if we are not attentive. I just spent three days at a symposium on addiction and the speakers there reminded me of just how ubiquitous sexual additions are in our society.

Most of the time I tend to think of men as the ones harboring secret sexual addictions but, of course, women are just as subject to sexual addictions as men. We really are not that different, are we?

Strangely, most sexual addictions have little to do with sex, other than the fact that the behaviors take place in the context of sexuality. Exhibitionism is really about wanting to feel the power of having shocked someone. Pornography is about fantasy. Most of the others, like sadomasochistic fetishes are all about regaining a sense of power and control. Strangely enough, even the avoidance of sex can be a “addictive” behavior according to Maureen Canning of the Meadows Treatment Center.

The end of athletic sex

As a wife who avoided sex over the course of many years of my previous marriages, this one got my attention. I was, as many women are, quite able to enjoy a courtship and “honeymoon” phase of an active and athletic sex life during the beginning phases of my relationships. But, as the relationship moved out of the fantasy stage and into the reality of a real, day to day set of interactions, sex disappeared. It didn’t disappear because my husband wasn’t interested. No, it disappeared because I became angry and disgusted with his continuing to be happy with sex as the lifeblood of our relationship. Once we were married I think I expected our relationship to magically blossom into a real intimate connection. Never mind that I had no clue how to do that. But I was certain it was my husbands fault because HE was such an angry, avoidant, workaholic. Certainly I was the innocent victim of his deliberate withholding of time, attention and kindness. So, I withheld sexual contact from him because I was so angry with him. I never thought of it as being addictive behavior.

Pervasive addictions

But if you re-frame how you think about what addiction is, you can easily see how it really is an addictive process. As Maureen Canning says, most sexual addiction is really about power and control. I was clearly attempting to get a sense of power in the relationship by moving into the Self-Protective withdrawal position. I put up barriers to prevent myself from feeling vulnerable to his angry, avoidant behaviors. I did this in an attempt to get power and control over feeling like his Victim.

How many wives do this? I asked Maureen if she new of any other resources for information about this form of addiction she calls “Sexual Anorexia” and she directed me to a book by Patrick Carnes. I have not yet gotten a copy of the book but I do think it’s fascinating.

Offensive behaviors

A lot of unhappy husbands will probably relate to this scenario. Maureen talked about the “offending” quality of this behavior. I have to admit I never would have thought of myself as doing any “offending” by this behavior, but I was clearly damaging my relationship. The word offending does bring up legal or even criminal meaning, but one simple definition is “wrong”. And it was indeed “wrong” of me to withhold sex in order to meet my own power and control needs.

But don’t you offending men take heart at this either, because addictive relationships generally require two addicts. The partners to the Sexual Anorexic are obviously the “Co-dependant” in the relationship and just as addicted in their own way. One partner is generally a “Sex Addict” and the other is the “Sexual Anorexic”. Both are just opposite ends of the spectrum from the other.

The more classic “Sex Addict” is the one who gets a sense of power and control by engaging in some form of sexual activity. Of course, the sex act itself is mood enhancing and can be a way to alter an unhappy mood.

Where is the real problem?

Sex is not meant to be about power and control or even mood enhancing. Sex is supposed to be intimate, passionate play with your partner. Any other covert use for it is “wrong” or “offensive”. If passionate play is not how either of you experience your sexual relationship then there is a problem.

So what do you do if you are using sex addictively?

First of all you have to just recognize that you are using sex (or your sexual power as in Sexual Anorexia) in a way that is harmful to your relationship. Once you recognize what you are doing you have to stop the offensive behavior and deal with the feelings that are buried underneath the behavior. This can be a simple but uncomfortable process, or it can be a complex and debilitating one. If you begin the process of eliminating your sexual addictive behaviors and find yourself feeling overwhelmed – don’t hesitate to call a professional because, like any addiction, if it is severe enough it can be life threatening. No joke, the feelings underneath the sexual addictions can be very intense and lead to severe withdrawal symptoms. Take care of yourself as you open your eyes to how you may have been unwittingly causing harm to your relationship.

Any addictions on your part?

Let me know what you think or if you can relate. Comment below.

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Enemies a Love Story

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 01:39:31 GMT

Stay or Go?

That’s the question addressed in the series of short stories about women struggling in a bad relationships. Each of these stories have different women, different relationship issues, and different outcomes. What is the red threat that holds these stories together?

I guess O thought it was the fact that these women all struggled to find themselves and to muster the courage to do what was right for them, whether it be addressing problems head on and fixing the relationship or leaving.

Egocentric positions

The interesting thing to me is how much egocentrism existed in each of these articles. Each woman felt they were alone in their marriage, and the decision was up to them. Each flailed about on their own with the decision instead of recognizing the issue as being about a lack of intimacy that was present in the marriage, not just the man.

My own choices

I remember making similar choices twice before in my life. My first to marriages were stuck in a battle for each of our survival and neither of us fared well in the process. Growth as an individual is impossible if the marriage is not growing too, but growth of the individual is magnified if growth is happening in the marriage.

Making unilateral decisions every day

The funny thing is that in unhealthy relationships we make unilateral decisions about the marriage every day, sometimes every minute. How do we do that? We do that by becoming reactive to our partner and putting up barriers to hold them away from us emotionally. Sometimes it’s all we can muster. I get that. I lived that. But if we are to push for something more than just mere survival we have to be more compassionate.

What compassion really means

Being compassionate means that we stop seeing our partner as the enemy, the “bad guy”, the “wrong” one. It means we accept that all of us are not perfect, including us. When we do that there is a chance of really experiencing closeness, and perhaps even great sex. It changes everything!

What do you think?

Are there times when you just have to accept that your partner is in the wrong and keep your protective boundaries up? Comment below.

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Sarah Palin, Hilary Clinton - Like-able Candidates Need Only Apply

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 02:26:16 GMT

The relatable factor

It has been said of Sarah Palin that women relate to her. She is pretty, strong, and hard headed. She has a lot of qualities that we’d like our mom’s to have, and that we would like to be ourselves: confident, sure of our words, and unapologetic for our beliefs and public behaviors. She is a wife, a mother with five children and a job.

Hilary Clinton only had one child and her life was her work. They have made very different choices, and very different perceptions by the pubic.

Working moms, the media would have us believe, relate with a mom who shoots wolves from a helicopter and risks our child’s health by flying eight hours across the country after our water broke. Maybe she is more relatable and personable than Hilary.

Unfair standards

She is being judged by perhaps unfair standards, as any woman running for public office still is today. She is expected to as the song says “bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan” and still look gorgeous in the process. She does all of that. And she isn’t afraid to stand up for what she believes in either.

I think it is less that we relate with her than that we would like to be like her. Hilary seemed so severe and took the second seat next to her oh-so-charming husband. How many of us even know what Palin’s husband looks like? We like the idea that we could be all of those things and still be liked. Hilary Clinton struggled to do all of those things and still be liked. A lot of people ended up liking her, but it didn’t come easily to her. She never was gorgeous and a super mom in the way of Sarah Palin.

Good guys and bad guys

When we are in our usual mode of trying to decide who is the “good guy” and who is the “bad guy” it’s easy to confuse likable with “good”. It’s easy to confuse “like me” with “good” and “not like me” with “bad”. We all feel more comfortable with these easy categories. When we can sort people out by simple categories and selecting “good” and “bad” based on them. Funny thing is, I can understand this because it is how our brains work. But that doesn’t make for rational judgments based on the things that really matter.

The cute guy in class

I remember when I was a teen falling for the cutest guy in my class. He was funny, personable and had the best bone structure. I flushed every time he came near and longed for his attention. My entire perception of his desirability was based on how he appeared. He was in the “good” category. He ended up dropping out from ninth grade and spending, last I heard, five years in the federal penitentiary for drug dealing.

Choosing with a different part of our brain

While our primitive survival instincts will have us pick and sort based on these simple groupings… they don’t really help us in our modern world. Choosing a candidate for President of these United States must be done based on something beyond are they “like me” or not. Granted that is our instinct. But should instincts prevail in our choices? Or should we pick based on something out of our more evolved, cognitive mind?

Being able to choose to do anything based on our more evolved, higher brain functions seems imperative to me as a human being, and even more so as a citizen of a free country with a right to vote. We have a responsibility to use our choices wisely and with our more evolved brain. It changes everything.

How it seems to me

We must pick our candidate based on what they show us about what they are capable of doing and being, not just whether they are perceived as being a “good guy” “like me” or not.

What do you think?

Should we vote based on or emotional reactions? Are these valid points or am I off base? Let me know. Comment below.

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Clueless Men and Unsatisfied Wives

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 21:42:31 GMT

For the past couple of years I’ve been writing articles for Dan and Jennifer of the askdanandjennifer.com website. Lucky for me they live close by and Mike and I have had dinner with them a couple of times and I now consider them to be friends. They are a great, generous, and hardworking couple of kids. I’m proud to know them. They have an interesting website but – be warned they deal with a lot of sexual material. I personally think this is good thing because they answer a lot of people’s questions about things that are hard to get good answers about.

The Forum Questions

In the past couple of months I’ve been answering a lot of their forum questions – in fact I’ve been doing more of that then writing articles. It’s as fascinating thing to do because it gets to the hear of what intimacy means to people. Of course, sex and intimacy are not the same thing – but to most people they are deeply connected.

So many of us seem to have trouble with intimacy and sex simply because we are stuck in the fear based reactions of the Cycle of Egocentrism. Our old brain reactivity kicks in and we loose sight of ourselves and our partner.

Not so silly message

I watched a silly movie with my daughter yesterday, “Waitress”. It had the guy from “Serenity” (Nathan Fillion) in it so my daughter wanted to watch it. It was not all that well written and had a seriously slow pace, but it was cute. Two things struck me about this movie though. The first is that the waitress’s husband, Earl, (played by Jeremy Sisto) was painted as being a “bad husband” from the beginning of the film. The waitress, played by Keri Russell, never had one bit of empathy for him. Now, I’ll concede he was a painfully difficult person; he was somewhat abusive and controlling. But as the movie progressed it became clear he was also in a lot of pain, and horribly incapable of knowing how to connect with his beautiful, uncommunicative wife. When the waitress did connect with someone it was with a married man (Nathan Fillion) who was also her OB-GYN. This relationship contrasted with that of her marriage by showing her new lover as being emotionally caring, and sensitive to her feelings. During the narration she did she stated that she realized how great it felt to have someone really listen to her like what she felt and thought mattered to them. Obviously her husband didn’t have that gift.

Clueless men and dissatisfied wives

I bring this movie up because it reminded me so much of some of the questions sent in to the forum on Dan and Jennifer’s website. Clueless men asking why their wives have no interest in sex anymore and dissatisfied wives seeking out connections with other men because their own husbands don’t know how to connect with them emotionally.

“Bad guys”

Now, I realize how I just framed things makes it look like it’s the guys fault for not being emotionally available. The truth is that it’s not their fault, and it’s not entirely about them not being able. Men are frequently raised to hold all sign of emotions inside and are not given a vocabulary with which to express their feelings. They are not supposed to need any kind of affection or nurturing from anyone past about the age of three. Then we marry them and suddenly they are expected to know how to give and receive nurturing and to talk about feelings; and if they don’t they are a “bad husband”.

When we put people in categories of “bad” and “good” were are limiting them – and ourselves – as human beings. And it absolves us of any responsibility for what occurs when we label someone else as the “bad” one.

My “bad guys”

I did this during my first two marriages. I was caught up in seeing how “bad” my husbands were at being husbands. I believed I was the innocent victim wanting intimacy with men who were incapable of expressing it. I had no desire for sex with them because I didn’t feel the least bit connected with them. And that, I believed, was because of them.

What I know now is that they and I came into the marriage with baggage from our pasts. We all do. And I was no more capable of intimacy than they were. I had to learn how to be empathetic for them, and for myself, in order to allow myself to experience the intimacy I so desperately wanted. To do that I had to let go of the belief in “good” and “bad” guys. Getting out of what I call the Cycle of Egocentrism changes everything.

Is there a “bad guy” in your life?

Tell me what you think? Comment below.

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The Struggle to Say What You Want

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 20:53:17 GMT

O Magazine published an article in September about the difficulties women have with saying what they want. It was a silly, fun article with references to words I don’t believe are really words (like “wanty”) but it hit home.

We have all been bred to keep what we really want to ourselves. It’s what I would call a “Victim” reaction to having desires because one sure way to never get what you want is to never let anyone know what it is you really do want. But how many of us men or women, have spent most of our lives trying to guess what others want and how to avoid saying what we want?

Hiding starts early

Case in point my own desire, from an early age, to play the piano. I guess I never came out and told anyone but I know that any time I got near I played on it. If the other kids were playing outside, eating ice cream, or any other fun activity - if there was a piano around, I was playing it instead. So I was amazed when my mother said she never knew I wanted to play.

My own inability to say what I want has shaped my life in many ways. I am not sure how I learned the lesson, but I obviously did.

Emotions make it harder

Now, don’t get me wrong its not that I can never say what I want, because that is not true. I have learned to ask for what I want from waiters, cashiers, and other service people. I can even ask my friends to do things with me. But, if it is something that has some kind of emotional weight, it has not always been easy.

Women get the impression you are pushy if you make it clear what you want and don’t back down at the first sign of dissent. We get labeled as “bitchy” if we insist on getting what we want. Of course, men, in similar situations would be considered “strong”. But I don’t think men are any better, over all than women at asking for what they really want. Emotional things, things that would seem to make them “weak” are strictly forbidden for men to ask.

Divorce and truth telling

It’s no wonder our divorce rate is so high. Because if we remain in a place of being unable to communicate what we want and need from our partners we are stuck in the helpless, Victim, position with no hope of escape. Unless of course our partner is astute enough to glean what it is we want from our manipulative behaviors. Of course, hiding our sexual reality has become such a commonplace thing that according to a Lavalife survey even 53% of men fake orgasms (82% of women do).

Rescuers often can figure out what their partners want, but we don’t always get it exactly right. Guess work is like that, sometimes you win and sometimes you don’t.

Taking ownership of our wants and needs is the only hope we have of really getting what we want instead of some close approximation. Our partner’s may be pretty good, but nobody can always guess right.

Do you know what you want?

Someone commented on the O Magazine article that she had not addressed the whole issue because she hadn’t addressed how you even KNOW what it is you want. A lot of us are so out of touch with ourselves, our bodies and our emotions that we have no clue what we want. That makes it even tougher to ask doesn’t it?

Learning to connect with our bodies and emotions is the first step in being able to identify what we want and need. I love the series Mad Men on AMC. It portrays the social environment that set us up to never say what we want or know what it is we need. My favorite characters are the mysterious Dan Draper and his wife Betty. Dan (not his real name but, that’s the identity he assumed) doesn’t have a clue what he feels and is constantly in search of something that will make him feel something. Betty, his sweet, picturesque wife is equally clueless because she is not supposed to need or want anything other than the house and home that Dan provides her. Betty reminds me of my own mother during that period, dressing up to look the part, but always a bit out of place.

Isn’t that how we all feel when we deny ourselves awareness of what we want and need? Learning connect with our bodies and emotions and then being courageous enough to speak our truths changes everything.

What are you not saying?

Almost everyone hold things back from their partners. Do you? What do you not like to say? Do you tell your friends what you do and don’t want? Your family? I’d love to hear. Comment below.

Trading Sex for Services is Biology??

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 21:02:58 GMT

Trading Sex for Jungle Tour

I read this great article today on CNN about how this college student, now a chocolate store owner, convinced a local African to take her into the jungle to live for two weeks. She had been unable to find a paid guide to take her, but this young man liked her looks. She didn’t particularly like his, but she didn’t care. She traded two weeks of sex for two weeks in the jungle. It turned out to be a great deal, she felt it more than worth the price.

The Powerof Sex to Get Things Done

The article goes on to talk about how a lot of women trade sex for services. The classic having sex with your handyman was the most obvious example. Though the article traced these types of trades back to ancient Egypt when Cleopatra “cemented her power” through having sexual relations with Roman rulers.

Biology of the Trade

The final paragraph in the article talks about the whole premise of trading sex for services being driven by biology. Dr. Chris Fariello, director of the Institute for Sex Therapy at the Council for Relationships, a nonprofit relationship-counseling group based in Philadelphia, says a partner who provides more resources -- wealth, shelter, home repairs -- is seen as more attractive and stands to reap more sexual rewards. But until I got to the last line, I didn’t really get why having sex with your handyman was more than just a funny cliché. As Fariello puts it, "I don't get anybody in my office who says, 'My husband sits on the couch all day and eats bonbons, and I want to have sex with him all the time.”

What Does This Say About US?

This made me laugh out loud. But then I thought about what it is really saying. What this is saying is that our pre-programmed biological drive is to have a mate who takes ownership of their life and surroundings – and is capable of doing so. Whether male or female we have to add value to our partner in some form. Men are easier because they have such a strong biological drive for sex, but women, too need a man who adds something to her life. Men have often twisted that to mean (perhaps because of our American cultural emphasis on money) that if they don’t make a lot of money they can’t get a hot wife.

What this article makes clear is that women and men need the same thing - someone who adds value to their life. That could mean money, but then why do so many well-supported women give up married life in order to pursue something else? Obviously money is NOT it! Women want a man who does more that “sits on the couch all day eat(ing) bonbons.” We are biologically driven to find a man willing to take ownership of their life and surroundings. It changes everything. I’ve always said there is nothing sexier than a man standing in front of the sink with a sink full of dirty dishes and his sleeves rolled up. We want a man who is willing to work… Of course, what men want from us is a whole different article.

To be completely honest, that describes me to a T. My first husband was worthless, didn’t even feel that he needed to earn income, much less contribute around the house or with our baby. My second worked hard but contributed nothing to my needs, making our home or caring for our daughters. Now I have married a man who works harder than I do at keeping our home and family together. I’m crazy about him. Who knew it was biology?

What do you think?

Do you ever think you would trade your skill for sex or sex for a skill? I'd love to hear if you have nor have not, and what you think about it.

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Primitive Reactivity Prevails in Olsteen Lawsuit

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 20:16:36 GMT

Who is to blame?

In a what her lawyer refers to as a “silly” case involving Joel Olsteens’ wife, Victoria, a litigious flight attendant has filed charges against Mrs. Olsteen. The flight attendant, Sharon Brown, claims injury after Mrs. Olsteen allegedly pushed her against the bathroom door and elbowed her breast. Mrs. Olsteen was apparently upset that her flight attendants had not attended her so well. Someone had spilled a liquid on the arm of her first class seat and none of the attendants would anything about it. Reportedly, Mrs. Olsteen became quite upset and demanded some attention to her needs.

I love this kind of thing because it so clearly illustrates how even the (apparently) most evolved of us can get triggered into primitive responses and look like idiots. Now, I don’t know if Mrs. Olsteen actually did as Ms Brown claims, but clearly the women were upset. Neither of them chose to respond, both were, rather clearly operating from a survival mechanism that resulted in both feeling hurt and angry.

Survival mode

When this kind of primitive response kicks in our brains don’t work so well. Ms Brown has apparently been involved in other disputes of this kind so I am guessing she has a bit of the Self-Protector in her and doesn’t have a clue how this impacts other people. Not that it justifies the reported behavior of Mrs. Olsteen. But it does help us understand and have some empathy for her frustration.

I can picture it now. The beautiful and extremely well dressed Victoria Olsteen gets on a plane expecting to be comfortable and well taken care of as is reportedly the usual case in first class (though I certainly wouldn’t know for sure). She sits down in an outfit that is undoubtedly worth more than everything in my entire closet combined and discovers something on the arm of her chair that could ruin her designer garb. She asks for help since this is not really her territory; it’s the flight attendants. Yet she gets no response. She can’t get comfortable and knows she will not be able to relax until the foreign substance is removed. She asks for help again and now she is getting panicked. How is she going to manage to be in a plane for (however long) and relax?

The flight attendant, Ms Brown, obviously rushed, and stressed views Mrs. Olsteen as an obstacle to her goal of getting the flight off the ground. Both went into Self-Protect mode firing angry reactivity toward each other and hurting each other’s feelings.

At any point if one or the other had been able to contain their reactivity and have some empathy for the other person the whole incident could have been avoided. Of course, the onus to be responsible for the incident really lies with Ms Brown as a representative of the airline and a servant to the people on her flight.

A need for compassion

It seems to me that both of these women could use a course in the practice of compassion. Once they both moved into a place of empathy, respect and ownership the whole necessity of legal action would be removed. If Mrs. Olsteen did physically assault Ms Brown than she needs to apologize and take ownership of her part, but so does Ms Brown. Her job as a flight attendant to first class riders is to be there to take care of them.

Clearly she failed to do that. If there was no assault (only the other witnesses on the flight can say for sure) it would behoove Mrs. Olsteen to listen with empathy to what could have provoked this legal attack on her. Perhaps Ms Brown is financially stressed and saw this as an opportunity to help her recover financially from some terrible financial problem. Perhaps Ms Brown wanted to please Mrs. Olsteen and was hurt at how angry Mrs. Olsteen was by her failure to respond. Whatever the cause, both women own a part in what happened and if that is not recognized in the legal process it certainly should be in some kind of moral or ethical sense. I hope the Olsteens can recognize this because it changes everything. Once you allow yourself to step into compassion and out of the egocentric combatant role everything changes.

What do you think?

I’d love to hear what you think of this. Do you think Mrs. Olsteen was the bad actor in this case, or is this a case of overblown litigiousness? Did Ms Brown fall short of her job duties and cry foul to save her job? Comment below.

The Ethics of Compassion

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 00:57:58 GMT

The Five Principles

In January 2008 the “Ethics Guy” Bruce Weinstein, Ph. D, started writing abut his “Five Principles” of ethics in Business Week magazine. His principles are these:

• Do no harm

• Make things better

• Respect others

• Be fair

• Be compassionate

Weinstein says, “These principles reveal the secret to living a rich, satisfying, and happy life, and we have known about them for more than 5,000 years. Every religious tradition in the world teaches them, as do parents in every country.”

Why don’t we do them?

He is right; of course, these are principles we have all been taught for generations. But if we all know about them, why don’t we practice them?

Our primitive brain takes over our rational thinking when we feel threatened in any way, that’s why. Our sense of threat can come from both irrational and logical sources, but the list of potential threats is endless. And, what is threatening to one person may not be in the least threatening to another.

Our primitive brain

It is only by understanding how our primitive brain works that we can begin to practice compassion and the other principles Weinstein talks about. Having respect for others is impossible if we feel badly about ourselves. Being “fair” is impossible if we are fearful of the other person. Making the commitment to “do no harm” is impossible if we don’t recognize that we are all doing the best we can and we will make mistakes. We can’t focus on “making things better” when we feel badly about ourselves and we are fearful for our safety or well-being.

Practicing Compassion

To make the leap into the ethics of the practice of compassion requires courage and determination. Compassion is not just a word to pacify religious scholars. Compassion is a daily practice that requires first being able to be compassionate with ourselves. Taking the leap means being willing to feel the fear of doing things differently than our primitive survival brains tell us we “have” to do them.

Having compassion for our partner’s hurt feelings when we know we didn’t do anything wrong takes courage. Having compassion for our co-worker when they are acting like a jerk takes courage. It takes courage because our instinct is to respond defensively. When we can learn to respond with compassion instead, it changes everything.

What do you think?

Are you able to let down your defenses when you feel attacked? Does that seem like a crazy thing to do. Tell me about it!

A Bitter Sweet Good-bye

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 13:15:28 GMT

Our summer guest

This summer my family has had the delight of hosting a college student during his Internship at a law firm in Downtown Dallas. We live out side of Dallas in Lewisville. It’s a good 45 minutes to downtown from here, so we had tried to find him a host closer to his work. Fortunately for us, we were unsuccessful.

Though our four bedroom house is already was already bursting at the seams, Alex came to stay with us in the middle of June. Three of our four daughters and our son have been in and out of the house all summer. Heather was still here, until July 1^st, when she started her own Internship for Samsung Mobile Fresh Films. Jenny came home at the end of May, as did Hayley. Jenny was returning from a study abroad in London and Hayley graduated from UTSA. Jenny set off to Australia for yet another study abroad on July 15^th. Hayley has been working part time and looking to find her first “real job”. Meanwhile, Wayne has been here for two weeks at a time, plus some, over the summer. Heather has completed her Internship and is home, now about to graduate from UNT in a week. All of this never rattled Alex, in fact, he seems to have enjoyed the comings and goings of all our crew.

Alex

I don’t even know where to start when talking about Alex. Someone I met with yesterday said “Our kids are just as great when they are guests at someone else’s home.” Well, I certainly hope so! Alex has been cheerful, childlike and yet so grown up all at the same time. He has gotten us to have more sit-down meals together than we have had in all the nine years Mike and I have been married. He participates in these meals, too, volunteering to help cook, set the table and clean afterwards. Some nights he comes in wanting to “bake something” an makes us a cake, crepes, or pudding or something. Every night he brings with him his sweet nature and bright energy.

Every morning he gets up, puts on his freshly laundered white shirt, tie and suit. He has a bowl of cereal and heads for downtown at about 7:45. I can’t say I am always up when he is preparing to leave but when I am, he greets me with his bright “Good morning” and chatter about the toils of going to work for sometimes 14 hours a day. When he gets home early enough he takes a long walk or bike ride. One Saturday afternoon he was bored and cleaned out and rearranged our entire pantry. Another he sat down and made a paper mach¢e bowl. Other times he sits out by the pool or in the park reading. He has also made the best of his time here by exploring area attractions and events. He went to the Dallas Symphony one night, to the Arboretum, to Fair Park and to Sundance Square and the Ft Worth Zoo. He often went to the store for something for himself and either picked up something for us unasked, or thoughtfully asked if there was something he could pick up. Somewhere along in there he took a hold of our hearts.

Stressful summer

It has been a stressful summer anyway, and he has kept us cheerful throughout the difficulties. I became ill going out to California for Athena’s graduation from Law School at the start of the summer. We went to Kerrville New Folk for our annual trip and or fellow Kerrvillian Ronzo died of a heart attack. Mike had a horrible spasm in his shoulder one night and we spent the entire night in the ER. Then I came down with a case of Shingles. Just as I was recovering from the Shingles I underwent a minor operation to remove a pre-cancerous cyst on my side. And of course, we moved my things out of my office, and re-arranged two entire rooms of our house to accommodate my things. Alex helped us with it all, even scrubbing the office floor on his hands and knees to remove the gunk left by the lining used to keep the (now removed) rug from slipping on the wood floor.

Yesterday was Mike’s birthday and he is the only one- none of our kids - got him a card. And last night he got me a huge bag of Sour Patch Kids (my one real vice.)

The gift

When Jenny left for Australia, he got her a gift as his “host” for the summer (it was her friend from NYU that asked Jenny to find Alex a place). Jenny thought he would get Mike and I something, too. At the time I thought, “Wow, that’s completely unnecessary. Alex has been such a gift to us- we should get him something.”

He is leaving tomorrow and I am not ready! I didn’t fully understand how much I am not ready until I woke up this morning crying. I had a dream about his leaving in which he gave us each a gift card as a going away gift, and I handed mine back to him. I told him, “You don’t have to do this because you have been such a gift to us.” Then I put my arms around him and started to cry, I said. “We don’t want you to go!”

I woke up sobbing, Mike heard me and put his arms around me. It was then I realized how close Alex is to the age Lance would have been now. Alex is 19 and Lance would be 20. Saying good-bye to Alex feels like saying good-bye to Lance. Lance was seven weeks old when he dies of Sudden Infant Death.

Oh, I get it now

Coincidentally I am closing my office today. It marks the beginning of my moving into a new career path. Oh, I will still be seeing some clients in another office, but the move is a clearly defined moment of moving my career path. And my counseling career has been a kind of monument to Lance. It was after he died that I went back to school and got my degree in Counseling. For me, it was a way to make some meaning out of his passing. The coincidental convergence of these two losses in one day is strangely poetic. I let go of both my “monument” to Lance and (while I wasn’t consciously aware of it) an adult representation of of who Lance might have been in the form of Alex.

I don't know how to say good-bye

As I write this he is upstairs getting ready for his last day at his Internship. We are leaving tonight, probably before he gets home, for my 35^th (yes, that’s right, 35^th) High School Reunion. So I will say my good-bye this in a few minutes with a bittersweet pain in my heart.

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BYE ALEX!

Immunity for Abu Ghraib & Iraq Torturers?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 15:29:08 GMT

Searching out the bad guys

Who’s to blame? That’s what we all want to know isn’t it. When something goes wrong our primitive nature seeks out the source of the crime. We want to know who or what is to blame so that we can put the whole issue to rest. Whatever the issue.

Last weeks Newsweek contained an article by Stuart Taylor Jr. about how looking for blame in regard to the problem of torturing suspected war criminals in the United States military over the past seven years cannot be approached this way. He has gotten some flack from readers about his no blame approach. But I think he is 100% correct.

The pattern of blame

When we spend all our time in search of the bad guy, trying to figure out who should go to jail, who should be prosecuted. People always automatically go into Self-Protector mode. This causes anyone involved to go behind a veil of silence, protecting them from possible trouble that could result if they were to come clean.

At this point the government has prosecuted only those at the lowest level of the abuse; those acting under orders in an atmosphere encouraging such behavior.

Should they have known better?

Sure, but then again, so should those prosecuting them.

The problem, as Taylor points out, is a systemic problem that cannot be solved merely by pointing fingers. In fact as those involved fear for their freedom and their careers will band together to protect themselves from harm. Wouldn’t you?

Our survival nuture

It is our nature, when under attack, to fight for our survival. The problem is that because we live in a world where nothing exists except Self-Protectors, Victims and Rescuers then Taylor must be seen as a Rescuer. Victims don’t like Rescuers who are rescuing the perceived perpetrator.

Is this Rescuing?

Rescuing is when you take over, with no respect for the other, and hold them irresponsible for their deeds. This is NOT what Taylor is calling for at all.

Taylor’s premise is that we must examine the problem from inside the system, recognizing that something went wrong in the system and holding each person accountable for their part, but not to “blame”. Giving everyone involved immunity allows us to step back and look at the whole problem of how this travesty occurred in our supposedly “free” American society.

Any other approach leads to more secrecy, more scapegoats, and more travesties.

Practicing Compassion

Coming from a compassionate place where we recognize that within a system where abuse is as normal as eating, finding blame is useless. It’s like the whole dysfunctional family trend of the early ‘90’s. We’re miserable, so who’s to blame? Why our parents of course! Anyone who survived this period of time in psychotherapy will attest to what this cost them personally within their family systems.

Practicing compassion means holding people accountable without blaming them for the entire blame. Certainly no one person made the decision to allow the kinds of tortures we have read about since the beginning of the Afghanistan and Iraq wars. Respecting that each person within the system did what they thought was correct, legal actions at the time; we allow them to speak of how the horrors came to be. We have empathy for how difficult it might have been to have broken from the status quo to protest. In doing this own that what happened should not have happened and take ownership of preventing any further, similar horrors to occur.

Compassion requires allow us to be human beings. It allows us to make mistakes, yet holds us accountable for our behavior. It changes how we perceive everything.

Should we pursue the bad guys

What do you think? Am I off base? Is Taylor? I know some of you have to be irate at the thought of “letting them off” for such awful deeds. Tell me what you think. Comment below.

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The Practice of Compassion

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 19:58:17 GMT

The Cycles and Teachers

Today I talked to a group of teachers about how the Cycles can work for them in their classrooms, with their administrators and within their own families. I was touched to tears as I told them of an experience I had with my Third Grade teacher, Agnes Conner who recognized the pain I was in and began helping me see value in myself. She did it incrementally, respectfully, empathetically allowing me to see that there was something in this life for me.

As I talked to them I realized what a hard job they have. Now, understand, I come from a family of teachers and know how hard they work and how little they get financially compensated for the most important job in the world next to parenting (also not financially compensated for). But today I thought about the task of trying to model the Cycles path for their students and with administrators whom have lost sight of their real task. One woman talked about how the current head of the Houston school district was hired after having bankrupt Corpus Christie’s school district. This administrator increased his own salary by 9%, she said, and then he told all the teachers in the district not to expect any raises in from 3-5 years. Next he started building stadiums and new schools and laying off teachers. Talk about failing to take ownership of the realities of the needs of the district!

Are the Cycles “Christian based?”

But in the middle of her frustration she turned to me and said “This is not Christian based is it?” I had ask why she asked that question. She said it is because at some point in my presentation she got chills and it sank in that the Cycles of the Heart is exactly what Christ taught. I hugged her and thanked her for seeing the heart of the model so clearly.

The practice of Compassion is more than understanding the words.

My Spiritual Path

I remember an experience I had at the age of 13. I had been exploring Christianity since I was nine, having walked across the street to the United Methodist Church to attend Sunday School by myself because my family didn’t attend, though my Mom said we were “Methodists”. By 13 I had developed a healthy spiritual life of my own and had read the Bible and learned to pray in a way that felt connected and had a real relationship with Jesus and God. One morning after a long prayer session I suddenly felt a calling to be a minister. I thought, “I’m a girl! And I’m only 13! How is that supposed to happen?”

Well, I did what I could. By this point I had really gotten a sense of what God is and that I could take it literally that “God is Love” as Jesus so often told. It became a sort of mission for me to express this newfound wisdom with the people I knew.

> My opportunity to share my knowledge>>

An opportunity arose for me to share this with my Sunday school class. Each of us were assigned to be in charge of a lesson for the class. One week a boy in the class brought popular music and talked about how this music drove people to use drugs and about how, as Christians we could not let the music induce us into that world. I was inspired to teach my lesson of love. I brought in some great popular music at the time about love. I don’t recall what songs I used, but it was 1969 so there was no shortage of music about love. I wrote a slew of poetry expressing my own feelings about the importance of and need for, Love in our lives. I dimmed the lights, lit incense, played the music and read my poetry. The room was filled with titters and inattentiveness. Of course, in retrospect I am certain these 13, 14 and 15 year olds could not yet hear what I was trying to communicate.

Teaching something foriegn

This is of course what the middle and high school teachers I talked to this morning are dealing with themselves. But now, unlike then, I understand the blocks to being able to express love and to be compassionate. The Cycles of the Heart is a model that clearly lays out a path to being able to practice the compassion that Christ, Budda, Mohamed, the Dali Lama and all the other great Spiritual teachers have taught. So I guess, as it turns out I am a “minister” of sorts, teaching people compassion.

The greatest Spiritual goal

It is the practical application of how to achieve the greatest Spiritual goal of being a compassionate person. Understanding the Cycles of the Heart and practicing it inside of ourselves and outside of ourselves in our relationships, in our workplace, our communities and in our world we really can “change everything!”

What do you think?

I know I have not blogged in a while. I’ve been going through some re-grouping of my life and professional direction in the past couple of weeks. It has not been easy and will not be an easy change, but it is absolutely what is right for me and ultimately, everyone.

I’d love to hear from you. Tell me what you think about what you know about the power of compassion or how you have applied the Cycles of the Heart to your life.

Why the Rush? Five Killed by Speeder

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 20:02:12 GMT

Five Deaths

I don’t know what drew me to the article. I don’t usually read these kinds of things too closely, they tend to resemble to closely the stories I hear in my therapy office. But today, I read an article in the Dallas Morning News about this family that died in a car crash this past week. Well, they weren’t really a family exactly. The couple, Geoff and Christy Hart had taken in three foster children who were in the car with them at the time of the crash. Maybe it was the fact that they were foster children that got my attention.

Evil Choices to blame?

The police said the guy driving the car that hit them could be put up on criminal charges because he was apparently driving way over the posted speed limit of 40mph when he plowed into their car. Senior minister Dr. Ronald D. Henderson said, “What happened was neither of God nor the devil. It is the result of evil in the world. It is the result of choices people make."

Of course the guy driving the Pontiac that hit the Hart’s car made some bad choices: fatal choices. But just saying he made bad choices doesn’t really explain what happened does it? Why in the world would someone be driving like that on a residential street?

The back story

Today’s Dallas Morning News reports that the driver of the Pontiac, police now say, was David Calhoun Jones, age 46. He is in critical condition himself and being treated at an area hospital. According the Dallas Morning News, “WFAA-TV reported that police said Jones, of Metarie, La., was running late to pick up his own children from his ex-wife when the crash occurred.”

Wouldn’t most of us be careful if we want to live to see our children? Perhaps we would, but what if there were a strong reason to have to hurry? In my experiences many ex-wives are so stuck in the Victim role with their ex-husbands that they become very difficult to deal with reasonably. So what they do is lash out in whatever aggressive or passive aggressive ways they can come up with to hurt their ex-husbands. They of course, then, become the Self-Protector, trying to get control over their feelings of being out of control.

The Cycle at work

What if Jone’s wife had a history of yelling at the kids if Jone’s was late? Or perhaps she would even refuse him access to his kids if he were as much as five minutes late? It was obviously important to Jones that he arrive on time to see his kids. I’d love to know the back story about what made it so urgent that he had to drive so extremely fast to try to get there on time. Making the right choices is not always as simple as it might seem.

If understand how the Cycle of Egocentrism works it changes everything in how we perceive what happens to us and in the world.

What do you think?

Ever felt that kind of pressure from an angry ex? Tell me your story, or just tell me what you think! Comment below.

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Short on Empathy?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 23:17:00 GMT

Do you have an Empathy Deficit Disorder?

On Oprah.com there was a great article this week about empathy. The author of the article (Amanda Robb) reported that her own empathy deficit became obvious to her in her twenties after an incident with a roommate loosing her job. It seems this roommate had rich parents and, unlike the author, didn’t really have to worry about money. So when the roommate lost her job the Amanda responded with “"You'll have an amazing story for Jim's party tonight!"

Egocentrism

Amanda, it seems turned to therapy to get help for her problem relationships and began to learn about empathy from her then therapist. It was not an easy road for her because from childhood she had never experienced empathy from anyone. Her father’s death at age four sent her mother scrambling to provide for Amanda and her siblings, leaving little time for such fluff as emotions.

Moving toward Empathy

But Amanda did learn that to escape the egocentric world she lived in before empathy she had to go through a lot of grief. She says, “About six months into psychotherapy, I started using what I thought of as my therapist's ‘lines,” instead of saying her automatic egocentric responses. Still, she had taken the first steps toward empathy: faking it.

“If you want to act more empathetic, you follow certain steps: Instead of telling people what they ought to do, or becoming tyrannically optimistic, you offer sympathy, inquire about feelings, and validate those feelings. You'll be giving comfort to the other person, even if you yourself can't feel what they're going through.” Robb says.

The Wall of Grief

At first this worked to improve her relationships, and she was happy with that until one day, Robb says, “I began feeling something intensely when comforting friends: terror.” She was for the first time beginning to feel empathy for someone else. But to feel empathy we first have to walk through what I call “The Wall of Grief” which is first characterized by the terror Robb described. While finding empathy “profoundly uncomfortable” she acknowledges that it is the ‘emotional connective tissue” that keeps us from feeling alone.

The path to compassion for others and for ourselves is to walk through that discomfort and to be brave enough to let ourselves feel the terror, anger and grief that comes with “The Wall of Grief”.

The Rewards

Robb says, “If you have a romantic partner, he or she will someday believe that you are entirely wrong about something, and if you can see the problem from your partner's point of view, you'll be able to get through that conflict without smoldering in the corner or splitting up. If you work with someone you despise (and who despises you back), and you try to understand why that person dislikes you, then you stand a chance of not hating every minute with her at the office. If you live in a world that you would like to see less divided by ethnic, economic, and religious strife, you'll find that attempting to comprehend the needs of your sworn enemies is a prerequisite to any meaningful action you can take.”

The path to Compassion

This is the path to compassion: the painful, rewarding, joy of allowing ourselves to feel connected to others. It is something we have to learn, it is not something that comes natural to us. The natural thing is to stay in the “Cycle of Egocentrism” and fighting for our survival against others also fighting for their survival. The unnatural process of allowing in the feelings the Cycle of Egocentrism keeps us from feeling takes courage and commitment. The path to experiencing the compassion that is the result of that courage is the Cycle of Compassion: Empathy, Ownership and Respect.

The simple words do not convey the difficulty of the process but can simplify our understanding of path to compassion. But learning to practice the Cycle of Compassion changes everything.

Comments?

Have you had or do you have EDD?? Do you know someone who suffers from it? What has that been like for you? Let me know what you think. Comment below.

6-7-08 Kerrville New Folk Changes Forever

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 16:26:30 GMT

Welcome Home!

Since 1971 Kerrville has been the home of one of the most renowned and celebrated folk festivals in the country. I listened to broadcasts of the shows on public radio and even watched live shows on PBS when I was in college. I moved to Dallas in the late 70’s and got so busy trying to get my life going I forgot about the festival until someone mentioned it to me at work one day. Once I knew where it was and when it was, I was determined to go.

I drug my then 9, 9 and 15 year old daughters to the campgrounds somewhat against their will. None of them claimed to be that “into” music and were not the least bit sure what folk music was anyway. When we drove up to the gates and my 15 year old looked around at the growing line of traffic and saw the sprawling campgrounds she said, “Oh, I have a really good feeling about this!”

As we drove through the gates the all volunteers greeted us with “Welcome home!” My daughters were speechless with excitement and we had what is still one of the most memorable vacations we ever had together.

Camp Bungie

In the 13 years that have passed I’ve only missed two Kerrville Festivals. The girls have grown and moved away and don’t go with me any more. My husband and his son went with me this year. In my second year at Kerrville I met a group of friends that I have come to know once a year every year (almost) since then. This group of friends is collectively known as “Camp Bungie”, named for the unique solution the members discovered for handling the sometimes 50-70 mile an hour winds that sweep through the valley. They have worked out an elaborate design for connecting their cover tarps with bungee cords flex to and fro with the wind and stay attached easily to the ground.

But the bungee cords are not what connected me to their ground. It was the delightful, giving, loving and talented group of people that welcome us, open arms every year.

One year we became known as the “plastic people” because after a show one night it had begun raining quite hard and we all donned those cheap clear plastic ponchos to keep us (relatively) dry.

Our friends, Sherry, Greg, Gumby and Pokey, Michael, Karen, Terry, Ronzo and Cat were there every single year, oh yeah, and Zoid, too. We met hundreds of others during our weekends there, but these were the constants that excitedly greeted “the plastic family” every year as we drove in and set up camp. Sherry quietly sat and read and chatted with us at meals. Michael, Ronzo, Terry, Greg and others entertained us with their playing and conversations. Ronzo had his flashing red lights, funny shaped balloons, knee high socks and shorts to accompany his wacky sense of humor. Turns out he was a clown by trade. Cat, Ronzo’s significant other knitted and talked very knowledgably with us on a variety of topics. She even bought a copy of my first book one year. Michael has always had plenty of wisdom about the world and a calm way of reacting to everything. They have always had plenty of food, shared their time, their resources and chairs with us and never asked anything in return. We always try to think of ways to help out, but its rarely accepted.

We made it!

“The plastic family” missed attending the last couple of years and we waited until the last weekend to attend, since this was the weekend “Trout Fishing in America” was going to play. “Trout” is a couple of guys who play funny, thoughtful, melodious tunes that get everyone to their feet.

We had a great night listening to Small Potatoes and Kathy Mateo Friday night with the most temperate weather we’ve ever experienced in Kerrville. I don’t know what the temperature was this past weekend, but it stayed cool late into the morning and cooled off again early in the day. This is a vast diversion from past years where it was 120° in the shade… that or pouring down rain. One year we were almost washed off the mountain.

A breezy Saturday morning

The pleasantness of Saturday morning made for a casual slow morning. Michael was all set to start cooking breakfast as we sat around drinking coffee and taking in the company. But, everyone wanted to wait for Ronzo, who seemed to be still sleeping in his tent.

One of the many traditions of the Kerrville New Folk Festival is that every night after the shows on the main stage, all around the many campsites across the valley and up on the hills are song circles that go on all night long. No one sleeps much at night and no one cares really how much sleep they get anyway. The music energizes everyone.

But some people do try to sleep in mornings as long as they can. We figured Ronzo was doing the same.

The Quadraplex

Along about 10:30 Sherry and Greg wandered down to the “quadraplex” (the latrine) and as they were coming back they saw that someone was being given CPR and was then taken off by an ambulance. Know one knew who it was, Sherry and Greg didn’t recognize the person’s shape on the stretcher. I passed them on the road as I walked down for my own trek to the latrine. People were buzzing all over the valley about the poor guy who looked like he probably wasn’t going to make it.

When I got back to “Camp Bungie” we sat around the kiddie pool with our feet in the cool water and talked about how sad for the guy and I said, ‘”Well, I have to say, if you’ve got to go, this is how I’d want to go. To be doing what you love to do surrounded by people you love.”

Reality check

About that time a Festival staff person walked up and said she had been told the name of the man that had been taken to the hospital. It was Ronzo. No one could believe it, except Greg who jumped up and said. “I’m going to town.” Someone held Sherry as she cried.

An hour or so later we got the news that Ronzo had not made it. Tears flowed around the campsite. People from all over the ranch came, hugged, cried and sat with us. I sat by Michael and patted his arm as he cried.

Looking for BLAME

Of course, our system goes on, as it always does. The police came by about an hour after we got the news and searched Ronzo’s tent. There was the potential of their having been a crime and they had to rule out foul play. Searching through his tent, getting witness reports, and eyeing the group suspiciously the police went about doing their job. We waited until the detective had done his job and drove off. That was a somber, silent time as we sat comforting each other in the shade of the billowing tarps.

Paradox

It was still a beautiful day with the sun shining brightly and the cool breeze lifting the tarps to and fro. Trout Fishing played a rousing set under the roof of the Threadgill Theatre as normal, and went on to perform at the main stage that night to a thunderous crowd. Karen and I danced and hugged as we listened to Guy Forsythe sing ‘Thank you for my friends”.

Ronzo

I learned a lot I didn’t know about Ronzo. He had been one of the original supporters of the festival and was a stockholder. The campground “Camp Bungie” was annually parked on had been provided by his investment and support in the festival. If not for supporters like Ronzo the festival could never have gotten off the ground. Ronzo had been with his significant other for more than 20 years. He was a political activist and had been a caucus member at the county level supporting Senator Obama for the Democratic Nominee for President. Later I learned that he had specifically requested no memorial service or funeral, that what he wanted was “a big party”. That definitely sounded like the Ronzo I knew and loved.

A sweet tribute

That night after the show, the “Leopard Lounge” down the hill and across the road from “Camp Bungie” hosted a spontaneous group of guitar pickers and singers singing songs about friendship. The “Leopard Lounge” campers all wore shorts, knee high socks and bright red flashing stars in honor of Ronzo’s normal apparel choices. We toasted Ronzo from time to time, but mostly sang songs about friendship and some of Ronzo’s favorites. Greg was the primary singer/picker for the evening and he ended the evening with a raised glass and the words, “Sail away Ronzo”.

I can’t imagine future festival’s without Ronzo, as I am sure most of our “Camp Bungie” group cannot. His lighthearted wit and generosity set the mood for play and gave us giggles and love. Thank you Ronzo for being a part of the “plastic family’s” love of Kerrville. We miss you already.

What about you?

Ever had a sudden loss of a compatriot? How did it affect you? Let me know. I’d love to hear your story.

Rape of Girls OK'd in Texas FLDS Case

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 14:10:39 GMT

Be patient, I’m going to RANT

A lot of us in Texas, and I suppose, around the world are shocked and amazed at the public turnaround on the decision to remove the 440 children from the FLDS compound in West Texas. I mean, I am glad that if CPS acted without proper authority the Supreme Court overruled them. CPS in my experience has seldom done things correctly. I have seen them remove children from parents who loved them because their spouses or boyfriends who were then incarcerated had abused their children. I have even had cases where bruised and battered adolescents were told to “Go home and mind your parents”. I’ve seen them investigate cases where kids were clearly being abused and send the child to treatment and let the parent remain in the home to have the child rejoin them with no consequence or follow up after returning from treatment. I’ve seldom seen CPS do the right thing, so it is no real surprise to me that they screwed this one up, too.

What about the kids?

My dismay is that these poor kids have had such an awful ordeal. First, they are brought up in a culture that cuts them off from any knowledge or exposure to the modern world. Then they are taught obedience to an authority that dictates to them who and when they shall marry and have children, no matter their tender years. I understand there were dozens of children under the age of 17 who were “married” mothers. The boys were taught that they, too, were to grow up and marry someone the “authority’ selected for them and to have sex with their “underage wives.”

These kids have been yanked from everything they knew, exposed to the “outside world” and given sanctity and safety for a month or so and now they are being returned to the world they were torn from. I suppose it is hard to know who the abusers are since the members of the sect deny any “abuse”. Oh, I suppose girls get pregnant by divine intervention. At least that must be how the Texas Supreme Court sees it since I have never seen more clear evidence that SOMEONE is abusing a child than that they are under age and pregnant in a cult where the BOYS never marry under age 17.

This is the biggest mess I’ve ever seen and I don’t understand what in the world is going to protect those kids from further abuse.

The New FLDS Policy

The newest thing is that they say they no longer will have a policy of letting under age girls marry. HELLO they were NEVER legally married in the FIRST PLACE. What is to prevent them from continuing an illegal practice that was never overtly practiced???

Don’t misunderstand, I don’t think these cult members who have been practicing their perverted version of Mormonism for over a hundred years. This is NOT a matter of “Religious Freedom”. It is a matter of CHILD SAFETY. Oh, and of course, polygamy itself is illegal in Texas, too.

Maybe the authorities are just stepping back to make a better case later, but in the meantime these children continue to be exposed to further abuse. What of the girls who are under age and “married” to their older cousins and uncles? Wont they go right back into the subjection of forces sexual relations with their “husband”? What is to prevent it? It is what they “believe” to be their rightful place.

What other abuse situation would we let this happen in?

In other situations where children are in a home where abuse is clearly taking place the child is NOT RETURNED because the odds are that they will be abused again. WHAT IS DIFFEREN HERE????

It is our job as a community to protect these children. We have let them down. I am disappointed and grieved that these poor kids don’t have anyone who will protect them. Their mothers and their grandmothers and their aunts and uncles all grew up believing that it is right for them to be subjected to this kind of treatment. Clearly none of them are going to protect their kids, boys or girls.

Man o’ man that CPS

CPS, “bless their hearts” are “doing the best they can”. They are going to “teach” these parents to parent??? How can they pretend that this somehow will protect these children. As long as the “husbands” have access to their “wives” the kids will be abused. It’s their “God given right” according to the FLDS beliefs.

A better solution?

From the beginning of this mess I have thought it was all handled badly. CPS went in with guns, armed to remove the kids from their “dangerous” family. It was heavy handed and frightening to participants and viewers alike. What I believe should have been done is that a number of CPS workers, social workers and psychologist should have gone in and taken charge of the kids on the compound itself. They should have separated the men and the women and began teaching them about child development, the law, and parenting. This would take months and they could continue to practice their religious beliefs while being taught a more humane way to treat children. Prosecuting the “polygamist’ marriages as they were discovered through financial penalties and incarceration only in the most hardened cases. In cases of men who have developed pedophilia as a result (we do have tests for this) remove them from access to any child (as we do in the case of other child abuse offenders) and even incarcerating those most likely to re-offend in the greater community.

What do you think?

Any other approach denies children protection, and traumatizes all the individuals involved without helping anyone only criminalizing the whole bunch as we did that fateful day we went in armed and bussed their children away from them.

What do you think? Was it right that we sent them back? What should we do? Comment below.

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Conflict in the Workplace

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 27 May 2008 22:38:36 GMT

Zowie, workplace conflict is costly!

Dealing with conflict in the workplace takes up to 60% of human resource managers time, according to an article by Rachel Zupek on Careerbulder.com. And, the number of incidents of employee violence has been increasing.

Her article encourages a sensible approach to dealing with conflict, she gives a list of well researched, common sense ways to deal with conflict. Check them out at cnn.com/living

The article really just skimmed the surface of the issue, of course. But if you really want to fully understand what is happening during workplace conflicts, you need to understand how the Cycle of Egocentrism works.

Conflict Resolution

One of her sources, Gus Stieber, national director of sales for Bensinger, DuPont & Associates, a professional services company says; “Avoid retreating to the safety of withdrawal, avoidance or the simplistic view that your co-worker is a "bad person." Zupek goes on to say “These are defense mechanisms that prevent the resolution of conflict.”

The Cycle of Egocentrism

Here, Stieber is talking about the Cycle of Egocentrism. It’s easy to think we are avoiding this kid of “defense mechanism” but most of the time we do it so automatically we don’t even realize it’s happening. And avoidance is only one of the ways the Cycle of Egocentrism works.

Getting a full understanding of how the Cycle of Egocentrism works is key to managing workplace conflict, and well, any other kind of conflict. When we understand how our brain tricks us into believing our survival is at stake in conflicts we can discover new ways to respond. The Cycle of Egocentrism locks us into believing that there is a good guy, a bad guy and a rescuer in every situation. This old game helped us manage to survive in our old primitive world, but it no longer serves us so well. Most of the time we are not in those kinds of dire circumstances, but our brain fools us into thinking we are. Then we get stuck in certain ways of responding that keep us trapped in conflictual and painful relationships.

Learning how to apply the Cycle of Compassion, the opposite of the Cycle of Egocentrism allows us to have deeper, more meaningful relationships with ourselves and others. It changes everything.

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Wow, what kids I have!

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 22 May 2008 19:30:48 GMT

During the past month I have had the delight of watching two of my daughters graduate. One, my oldest twin, graduated from college with a BA in English Literature, and in 4 years time and over a 3.0 average. The other, my oldest, graduated from Law School and within the top 5% of her class. My youngest twin daughter will graduate from college with a BA in History, and double minors in Radio-TV-Film and Chinese, graduating Cum Laude. Looking back over the past 28 years, I can honestly say I couldn’t have wished for more for my girls.

Honestly, I was not always sure they would make it to where they are now. I always knew what they were capable of achieving, but it wasn’t always clear they would make it. They all had their challenges.

My lawyer daughter

My oldest was always amazing. I told her from the time she was three that she should be an attorney because she could make an argument better than anyone I knew. She had her problems in school, not academically, but personally. Many of her teachers did not appreciate that she was smarter than they and resented her. She was outspoken and unbelievably bright. Her father abandoned her when she was eight and she had a horrid relationship with her step-father. She never felt like she fit into the small town we lived in as she was growing up. Then, after I left her step-father and was a single mom of three, she fell in with the kids who smoked cigarettes (among other things). Still, she managed to keep her grades up enough to graduate, though school was not her first interest. I am sure because of the fact she had no real relationship with a father figure, she always had a boyfriend – some not so wonderful. She was rebellious at times with me, fighting to find a sense of herself.

Fortunately for both of us I knew not to fight her. I knew not to engage in power struggles and put her into positions that took her power away, but instead to allow her to find her own way. Keeping from engaging in either rescuing her or moving into “making her” do what I wanted to do, allowed her to blossom into the wonderful young woman she always had inside.

News proud

The oldest of my twin girls is now heading to her life after being the news editor of her college paper and dealing with a room mate with terminal cancer for the past year. She has managed to remain out of the rescuer role while still being available for her friend. Now, she is going to either Taiwan or New York City, depending on what job is offered to her. She is courageous, tenacious and kind. Whatever she ends up doing, she will keep that strong sense of herself. I left her father when she was only 7 and she was angry and hurt by our failed marriage. Yet she kept her self together and on the honor role throughout high school. It must have been hard for her because her twin sister was dyslexic and struggling all through school. She never rescued her sister, but always believed in her and encouraged her.

Wow, look at her now!

My youngest twin, graduating in August, has overcome dyslexia to become an honor student and will be graduating cum laude. She was, I was told, one of the most severely dyslexic children. But she was determined and loved reading. Then, with remarkable determination chose to learn Mandarin Chinese, even spending 10 months in Taiwan to immerse herself in the language. She loves learning and is planning on spending another 2 years there after graduation. She might have given up in grade school when the kids teased her and teachers pressured her, but she didn’t. She avoided becoming a victim and took ownership of her life.

I still have two kids left, my husbands’ children from a previous marriage, and they are on a clear path to success as well. His oldest is going to New York University and just returned from a stud abroad program in London, and will be heading to Australia in July. She fought to find herself in spite of her difficult relationship with her mother, and dealing with her parents divorce. My husbands’ youngest, his son, is now in middle school and an A student, despite behavioral problems that were overwhelming in elementary school.

What made it work

Understanding the Cycles of the Heart has changed everything for me, for my kids and for my new marriage. I am proud of the fact that I have managed to avoid remaining in the victim position myself. It would have been easy to do, as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, two divorces, and been a single mom. Knowing how the Cycle of Egocentrism can ruin your life and relationships I fight to keep my automatic brain from dragging me down its tyrannical path.

I can’t help but believe that my ability to remain (mostly) in the Cycle of Compassion is why my kids are where they are today. I thank God for my having stumbled across this model. It really does change everything.

Is Incest Insanity?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 05 May 2008 15:23:26 GMT

Incest is a mental illness?

Today CNN reports that Josef Fritzi’s lawyer is attempting to get him off with an “insanity” plea. His lawyer, Mayer, said: "I believe that the trigger was a mental disorder, because I can't imagine that someone has sex with his own daughter without having a mental disorder,"

If incest is, as Fritzi’s lawyer claims, a symptom of mental illness then it could change everything about how we view fathers (and mothers) who rape their children. Maybe we should consider that anyone raping anyone is because of a mental illness. Maybe we should consider that anyone killing anyone else has a mental illness, too.

Ooops… I think I agree.

Strange as it seems, I think I agree with Fritzi’s lawyer. He is obviously seriously mentally ill. But then I believe most of those incarcerated are mentally ill. That is however, quite different than being “insane” isn’t it?

What is “Insane” anyway?>

Someone asked me this past week what it is to be “psychotic” which, I think, is what most courts consider the word “insane” to mean. Psychotic, if you have ever seen it, is clearly “insane”. It means that the sufferer has no ability to connect reality with what is happening inside their head. Reality for a psychotic person is what is in their head and it does not match what anyone else perceives. For instance, a woman who seriously believes she is the Queen of England but lives in a mobile home in rural Oklahoma.

While I do believe that Fritzi suffers from some kind of mental illness, I also believe that the world needs to be protected from people that dangerous.

How monsters are made>

When we understand that abuse creates problems for people, emotionally, we understand how monsters like Fritzi are made. Something really awful must have happened to him as a kid to pervert his mind in such a way. He undoubtedly identified with his own perpetrator. What we know is that when someone is a Victim, they tend to choose one of three ways to manage the horror. They will tend to either remain in a Victim position feeling helpless and hapless (perhaps like Fritzi’s wife) or move in to the Rescuer role and take care of everyone else including their perpetrator (oh, well, I guess this describes Fritzi’s wife even better). Or thirdly they can become a Self-Protector, attempting to gain a sense of power and control by being dominating and over controlling or they can hide behind a wall of hardened emotions. All of these states can, of course, be behind dissociative walls themselves. At the extreme, all of these roles become mental illness. Rescuers are the co-dependant supporters of addicts, abusers and other irrational human beings. Victims become the suicidal depressed clients in psychiatric wards. Self-Protectors (at their worst) can become monsters like Fritzi. Our prisons are full of them.

But none of the above falls into the category of psychotic necessarily. Being mentally ill does not mean insane.

Sorry, Fritzi.>

But to own our own safety we MUST protect ourselves against people who are unable for whatever the reason, to keep themselves from endangering others. When our illness becomes a danger to others, there is no choice but to be locked up. That owns our need for safety. Any jury that would find Fritzi’s illness as a reason to let him go, would have to be one that didn’t understand the need for keeping society safe from someone unable to manage to keep society safe from themselves.

Does “Mentally Ill” equal “Insane”?

What do you think? Comment below.

The Bizarre Enslavement of Elizabeth

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 13:37:11 GMT

The Captivity of Elizabeth

Josef Fritzl shocked and surprised most of the world with the bizarre story of his enslavement of his now 42 year old daughter and her two sons. Rocking Austria with the news, his daughter exposed the horrors she suffered to the police. For 24 years she was held captive by this man, unable to even see the light of day. Before that, she was also his captive slave as his sex slave since the age of 11. Who knows how many more of her 6 surviving children have also been his sex slaves. We know that pedophiles have no limits to the number of children they can and will use for their sexual pleasure.

One of the questions we will likely never know the answers to is who else was involved in helping him set up his mini-prison for his progeny. Certainly others had to have been involved in building out this sound proof cellar that even his wife didn’t know existed. It would have been too difficult for him to do this himself, authorities say.

Child captives

The horrors of what this man has done are shocking to most people. Raping and holding his own children captive is unthinkable for most of us. I thank God for that fact. Yet, stories like this come to me every day. Perhaps they were not held captive for 24 years, but they were certainly held captive for their entire childhoods.

This is often the reality of what survivors of childhood sexual abuse. They are in fact at the total control of their abusing parents. Their position as children gives them no rights and no way to escape, they are totally dependant on their parents for their care and have no choice but to do whatever their parents tell them to do. If they are in some type of cult, they are even more trapped because it involves all of the people in their world.

Or split off selves

The result is a type of psychic splitting that often becomes Dissociative Identity Disorder. For some its merely Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, where the splits are not clear cut and do not carry clearly separate identities, only moods or jobs and memories of what occurred that is blocked out by the host. Many of us are like this, whether we realize it or not. If you have blocks of your childhood you don’t recall it could be held by a ego-state split off from your conscious awareness.

This is what explains the bizarre and inexplicable behavior of people who seem “ordinary” to the outside world and who have alter identities that behave in sometimes horrific ways. That is not to say that all DID’s have horrific things they do or have done, mostly this is not true. But this is how this sort of thing occurs.

How the Cycle of Egocentrism starts inside

Because our psyches are set up to split off awareness of things to awful for our little minds to comprehend, we send this part of our awareness into the nether regions of our mind. This part of us has been a Victim of something awful. Then perhaps this part of us has to continue to participate in horrors and to survive, models themselves after the perpetrator of the abuse. This part of them becomes like their perpetrator in order to survive so they become a Self Protector. In order to protect themselves, they align with their perpetrator. Or they become the caretaker of their perpetrator to survive becoming a Rescuer.

It changes everything when you recognize how the splitting occurs in all of us at some level. When it occurs to the degree it did for Josef Fritzl, it creates a monster that most of us cannot fathom. Yes, even Josef Fritzl deserves empathy. What could have happened to him to make him become the horrific nightmare of a human being he became? To be really clear: this does not justify his behavior. He is still responsible for what he did, even if we can recognize that at some point he was a Victim as well.

What do you think?

Is it possible to find empathy for such a monster? Like Hitler, Josef Fritzl did horrid things. But at some level he, too, was just trying to survive in the only way he could figure out to survive based on how he saw his world. Let me know what you think. Comment below.

> >

A Cult is a Cult is a Cult

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 02:31:34 GMT

Cult Abuse of Chlldren

What might have happened if the mothers and children of the Branch Davidians had been captured instead of slaughtered that day in April, 1995? Would it have been that different than what is happening today? A cult that uses women and children as their sex slaves in the name of religion is one that cannot be allowed to continue.

What they are brought up to believe

Yet the children, male and female alike, in this bizarre sect have all been brought up to believe in their “faith” s as a natural, precious, and fundamental part of what it is to be a human being. They go about their lives believing, as they have for generations, that this is truth and the way to God’s Kingdom. Each and every one of them is raised to accept this view of themselves and others. They each believe in what they were conditioned to believe since birth. Their accepted worldview rejects or technology, and our modern ways and the knowledge of psychology and the acquired wisdoms of the past 150 years. Ignorance was their choice. It is always the way of cults in general. Outside knowledge of other’s beliefs is not only discouraged but punished. No new knowledge can be allowed into the closed system because new knowledge would destroy the system.

Who is going to be prosecuted?

Do you prosecute the women who were brought up to believe that marrying off your children to much older men is acceptable? Do you prosecute these same women for abandoning their young sons that were thrown out of their “families” because there were too many of them? Do your prosecute the men, who were brought up to believe it is their rightful place to have many young wives and force them to have sex with them as they please?

Clearly Criminal

Clearly all of the above constitute legal abuse and crimes that are normally punishable by law. Yet what happens when we begin to view this case as a case of programming, not unlike that of Patty Hearst? All of the members of this sect were programmed from birth to see their lifestyle as the only choice acceptable by God as they understand him.

Is it our role as a legal community to imprison them for their crimes, as we did Patty Hearst, or is our responsibility to them something entirely different? What if we could view them not as perpetrators of horrors upon innocent victims, but as victims themselves worthy of our compassion?

The Travesty

Some people already are seeing the travesty that is likely to occur to these people and have been protesting outside the courtrooms where we attempt to find “justice” for those our courts are attempting to protect. Unfortunately there are no “bad guys” here to prosecute. The system was the problem, not the people involved. All of these people were caught up in a system that was dangerous and just plain wrong. But there are no bad guys are there?

A different perspective

It changes everything when you try to look a situation from the prospective of compassion rather than the old egocentric view of seeing everyone as a good guy, a bad guy or a victim. When we impose our legal system on these people by prosecuting them for doing what they earnestly believed was the righteous way of living, we become what our forefathers fought against. We as a community become the perpetrators by prosecuting this group for their religious practices.

Clearly abuse is abuse

But what they were doing to their children was wrong. There is no question about that is there? Raping children of the age of 12 or 14, abandoning children (boys) who were not going to be useful in continuing their patterns of multiple marriages to one male is all wrong. Morally and ethically we cannot let it continue, but we have to stop it in a way that does not make anyone a criminal.

Practicing Empathy

We have to put ourselves in their shoes and practice empathy for their situation. There are those in our culture (among whom I count myself) who oppose the everyday practice of circumcision as genital mutilation of our baby boys. It’s as wrong as the genital mutilation of girls that we have outlawed in this country, even when practiced for religious reasons. Yet we continue to practice this primitive mutilation of baby boys on a daily basis all across our nation. It’s okay to do it to boys, but not to girls. I don’t get that at all.

When we consider that the practice of genitally mutilating boys is a natural normal practice in our culture, it makes it hard not to step into the shoes of a cult that sees raping 12-14 year old girls as a natural and normal practice in theirs.

It changes everything when we begin to have empathy for their beliefs and understand that, like us, they have been brought up in a culture which finds some very bizarre practices to be normal and natural.

What do you think?

Is there a difference between taking innocent babies and mutilating their genitals and taking a 12-13 year old girl into a forced marriage and raping them? Can you find empathy for their strange beliefs or do you see them as a sick, perverted culture that needs to be punished? Tell me what you think. Comment below

The Pope Owns Up

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:02:47 GMT

Pope Benedict XVI Steps Up

In a landmark event Pope Benedict XVI met with several survivors of sexual abuse by Catholic Priests. Over 4,000 people have sued the church for their part in allowing the perpetuation of abuse by priests throughout the world. The church has paid out more than $2 billion in damages to survivors and many dioceses are in bankruptcy as a result of the suits. The sexual perpetration of children put in the care of the church has been a travesty that no amount of money can begin to repay. Raping children, in Louisiana, is now being considered as a crime punishable by death.

The Cycle of Egocentrism

Most victims of such abuse are rightfully angry at what was done to them, and considered the church a part of the abuse because of their negligence in removing known offenders from priesthood. The church became the target of their anger and their blame. The church became the “bad guy” in their drama just as surely as the offending priests themselves.

The Cycle of Compassion

But as of Thursday, April 17^th , 2008, the Catholic Church began the process of taking ownership of the horror the church condoned by it’s neglect over the course of history.

Over the course of the past ten years of victims of the pedophile priests coming out into the public with their stories the church has denied their part in the abuse. Church officials have either turned their heads away or flat out denied any responsibility in these crimes. The self-protective stance of the church led these now adult victims of this horror to attack back by suing the church, thereby becoming self-protectors themselves.

Owning Up

Pope Benedict XVI took the historic step to meet with a few of the victims to begin the process of owning up to what the church has failed to own up to in the past. By apologizing to the victims of the abuse, the Pope has demonstrated the practice of compassion in his papacy.

The Practice of Compassion Changes Everything

When we begin to practice compassion by taking ownership of our part in a wrong we are not taking the blame for what has occurred, we are simply stating that we are responsible for our part in it. This is what the Pope did last week.

By allowing those few victims to face the person who is now, ultimately, responsible for the actions of the entire Catholic church, Pope Benedict XVI has chosen to move out of the dark ages of egocentrism and into compassion thereby changing one of the patterns long ago established by the church. That changes everything for the now adult survivors of the churches negligence.

Have you been affected by a pedophile priest?

Do you have a history that you would like to tell here? Has someone you love been affected? I’d love to hear from you. Comment below.

The Dilemma of the Mormon Sect in South Texas

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 20:53:42 GMT

Cycles of Dysfunction

One of the biggest stories in Texas for the past couple of weeks has been the story about the “Fundamentalist” branch of Mormons who lived on a 700 acre compound in south Texas while practicing their beliefs of polygamy as a valid, spiritual practice allowing all members to experience closeness to God through their patience. This practice has as a centerpiece of its practices the pre-arrangement of marriages of older men (40-50 years old) to girls when they turn 13. The girls are then supposed to become one of their husbands many wives and bear children from which other men will choose their future 13-year-old wife.

Twisted Faith

The members of this sect are loyal Christians believing in the Book of Mormon from some “fundamental” perspective that ordains their behaviors as sacred. All of the children are brought up in this system, and as a part of this system are indoctrinated into believing that they are doing what is right and spiritual, including the males. It’s easy to think of this sect as a group of perverted individuals who prey on young girls and subjugate the women into sexual slavery, because, by our standards and beliefs, that is exactly what is occurring in fact.

Perpetrators?

Of course, this is how the legal system addresses this issue as well, treating the men as wicked perpetrators preying on innocent young girls. We love to look at things in black and white terms in our world, and our legal system is organized to support a clear-cut right and wrong view of the world.

Is legal perpetration any better?

But what if we could step back from the Victim-Perpetrator-Rescuer mentality long enough to consider the wholeness of what has occurred. The practice of polygamy in the name of religion is at least as old as our country. Generations of children have been brought up believing in this practice as a part of their spirituality and taught, through this twisted view of Christianity, that it is the right and proper actions for all involved. Members of the religion believe it is their right to have the most basic of our US Constitutional rights, to practice their faith as they see fit.

In fact, other religions have been honored in their spiritual practices and given rights to do things that would otherwise be considered illegal. Native Americans are allowed to gather and possess Peyote (a psychosis-inducing plant that is classified as an illegal drug). Other religions have allowed the mutilation of children for thousands of years and it is practiced as an accepted part of our culture without question from authorities: circumcisions of male infants.

What is so different about what this sect is doing? Forcing sexual intercourse on anyone, married or not, 13 or not, is rape. But I also think its atrocious to cut on the genitals of infants…

Where is our line?

We must look at the rights of children and certainly forcing them in to marriage and sex at 13 is wrong, but the entire sect believed this to be an honorable spiritual practice, even the men. Their cult, along with all others, is base on a the Cycle of Egocentrism and can only be positively addressed by using the Cycle of Compassion.
We become the perpetrator

Law enforcement swoops down and grabs up over 400 children, many of who are already mothers themselves, and sent them off to overcrowded facilities with caregivers from an entirely different world. This traumatized the children even further and certainly did nothing to help them perceive this new world in which they found themselves seem safe or inviting. So in trying to rescue these children our community becomes the perpetrator, harming them even further. The people they love are now being seen as criminals and the children, then put in a place to want to protect the only family they know, and in spite of what may have happened to them, they want to “rescue” the people we perceive of as their perpetrators.

What is right?

In the “cycle of egocentrism”, which involves viewing the cult members as “evildoers” and criminals, from whom their victims need rescuing we remain caught up in a system of pain and misery. What if we could see these people as wounded individuals who need our help in discovering more productive ways to live with each other and in the world? What if we had some empathy for their worldview and, while taking ownership of protecting the children, and gave them respect for the fact that each of them was doing what they believed to be correct (no matter how ill conceived)? Wouldn’t that change everything?

What do you think?

Whether you understand the bizarre practices of this South Texas cult, you certainly have some opinions about both the cult and our response to it. Let me know what you think.

Comment below. Use the security key – I’ve been being spammed lately…

What are You Projecting?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 23:23:40 GMT

The power of projection

John Gottman is the doctor of love, at least love of the conventional sort—he's an internationally known researcher on what makes marriage last and what makes it fall apart. In his work at the University of Washington, he has managed to apply strict scientific rigor to what seems like the most subjective of areas, and he's popularized his findings in a string of best-selling books (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the most recent).

Our search for the perfect person

He writes about the power of projection in this article from Seatle Weekly. He suggests that our power of projection is so powerful in the early stages of our relationships because we want so desperately to find the perfect person that we will project those wishes on to the object of our desire – whether they have the wished for qualities or not!

This of course sets us up for a disastrous relationship. We think we are getting something entirely differently than we actually get. I have had more than one couple enter my office saying “Where is the person I married?”

What changed here?

They, of course, think their partner has changed, when in actuality, their partner has not changed, but rather the awareness of who that partner really is has now come into the complainers consciousness.

Projection can work the other way around, too. When we carry childhood wounds (and, okay, tell me someone who doesn’t and I’ll tell you somebody’s not being honest) we have learned things about the world that we believe to be true. These are like the Four Agreements by Don Miquel Ruiz, we learn or accept certain things to be true about the world, then we go about proving them through the process of our lives.

Projections at work

For instance, I have a friend who gets really frustrated with her husband because he insists that she doesn’t “listen to” him. My friend is an awesome listener. That’s why she is my best friend, I always feel heard by her. I suspect this is one of those things being projected on to her by her husband. Of course, it could be that she projects on to him that he is never going to be happy with her.

Our wounding

You see how it works? We have some wound from childhood (my friend’s husband’s family never listened to him) and then we go about projecting this as an undeniable truth in our lives “no one listens to me”. It changes everthing when you can recognize your projections.

How about you?

Do you have something you project on to someone? I know most of my life I have projected that my anger is not acceptable (therefore pretending I don’t have any). Or is do you feel someone is projecting something on you that is not yours?

Al Qeada Doesn't Kill Innocents?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 13:22:49 GMT

No innocents killed?

Al Qaeda “doesn’t kill innocents” according to it’s second in command Ayman al-Zawahiri. He made his remarks in response to questions solicited on a Web site close to al Qaeda. Typical.

Typical Self-Protectors

Typical Self-Protectors blame their victims for their behaviors. A Self-Protector believes the person they are attacking is to blame for their misery. They cannot see the person they are attacking as innocent. They fail to see any other perspective, they twist reality to suit their own survival needs.

Bullies do that, too, don’t they? They convince themselves that the miserable little person they are beating up on has more power than they do. They pick on the person they perceive as smarter, more able than they in some way. Bullies decide that the person they are attacking deserves what they do to them.

Attacking and blame

When we find ourselves in a position of attacking someone else, we have lost our perspective on what is really taking place. Blame does that, it throws us into a distorted view of ourselves and our world.

When we blame and attack we lose sight of the other person entirely, we only see the world through our own, egocentric, position. We are hurting so we look for someone to blame for our hurt.

Look at the circumstances

When we fail to look at the circumstances that lead to the wound we are experiencing we loose contact with reality. But our brain response is that it doesn’t matter, we just need someone to lay the blame on so that we can protect ourselves.

Understanding that a man beating his wife feels a desperate need to get control can help us prevent it from happening in the future. Blaming him for his helplessness and throwing him into jail or paying fines doesn’t help us discover the underlying cause of his misery and subsequent reaction to that misery. Yes, of course, he is responsible for his behavior, but simply viewing his behavior absent understanding of the context shortchanges everyone, including the victim. How many times do victims return to their abuser? If we unravel the tangled web of what each party is experiencing and move into a different paradigm for understanding the patters, it changes everything.

What the world needs

This is what we need to do on a world scale, as well as a personal one. When we fail to uncover the intricacies of what is really happening when someone is attacking another, we fail to respond in a way that can prevent future conflict.

Is understanding the cause of something the same as blame?

What do you think? When we look for a reason something occurred, as reasonable people will do, is this the same as blame? Or is blame something else? Let me know what you think, comment below.

Good Girls Acting Badly

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 16:15:21 GMT

Watch out for those girls!

Yesterday CNN ran a story about women’s tendencies to revenge. Wow, this story certainly validates the statement “Hell hath no fury like a woman spurned”. Teri Garr took a hammer to a cheating boyfriends’ windows and wasn’t even arrested. Catch a guy going that and he’ll spend time in the slammer.

Women throughout history have been considered “the weaker sex” and always considered to be the Victim and rarely thought to be the Perpetrator in any conflict. We like to think of women as nurturing caregivers or helpless victims. We don’t like the view of women as the Perpetrator, so even when we do find them there, we justify their behavior by claiming that (as Teri Garr said) she really was.

Our cultural and biological bias

Our biology and our culture demands that we find someone to blame for anything that occurs and that we put ourselves (and everyone else) into defined roles. This helps our rational mind make stories out of what has happened that we can tell future generations and ourselves. This history making activity is as old as time and we still practice it today when we think of our own lives and the stories we tell ourselves.

In Teri Garr’s story she is the victim, and her cheating boyfriend is the bad guy. But can you imagine his story? “There I was eating my dinner after leaving work and this crazy b**ch starts breaking out my windows with a hammer! Then I called the police and they did nothing! Can you believe it?”

Good guys and bad guys

When we categorize the people in our life stories as being the “bad guy” and “to blame” for what occurs and put ourselves in the Victim position then we can leave the story with a clear conscious that we have done “nothing wrong”. We have a logical explanation for what has happened and we can view ourselves as blameless in the situation. We are good while the other guy is the bad one. Whatever behavior we choose to take retaliation on the bad guy is acceptable since they are the bad guys.

When we are attacked, when our sense of safety and well being in threatened, we have a right to fight back don’t we? After all, not doing something to fight back would be considered weak wouldn’t it? Isn’t that why we have the death penalty in Texas, to punish the bad guys? Isn’t that why we go to war, to defend ourselves from the “evil doers” of the world? At least that is what our president told us.

Self Protectors

When we find ourselves thrown into this (what I call) Self-Protective role, we end up being perceived as the “bad guy” by the other person don’t we? I’m sure Teri Garr’s boyfriend (now, “ex” of course) thinks of her actions that day as being that of a perpetrator. He and his property were attacked after all.

Blame drives the game

What blame does is to assign all responsibility for something on to someone in order to meet our survival needs. We either assign all responsibility for something on to someone else in order to preserve the idea that we are perfect, or at least, not all bad or we accept all the responsibility for something in order to reinforce the idea of our worthlessness.

Blame is all black and white. There is no complex formula that includes partial equations. It’s a simple 1+2=3. But life, as in math, is seldom, if ever, that simple.

Is there another way?

What if we stepped out of the simple equation and started seeing the complexities that are the realities of our lives and our world? How would that change your perceptions, not only of your own life, but of the world?

The US Rescuer

Throughout our national history the United States has been the worlds Rescuers. We give more per capita than any other nation in the world. We take our wealth around the world and help developing nations in whatever ways we can think of (whether that’s the help the country wants or not) and then we move on to our next project. Yet on September 11^th, 2001 the US became, not a Rescuer, but a Victim. We then responded by becoming a Self-Protector, fighting against the perceived perpetrators. Now, of course, the world sees us as the bad guy.

What if we had looked at the equation differently?

What if we had done as I thought Donald Rumsfeld was going to do when he said we needed to look at the circumstances which led to this event? We helped Afghanistan beat the Russian invasion and then left the country broken, and without the means to heal itself. Charlie Wilson warned the US government that it would leave Afghanistan as a time bomb. It was a bomb that exploded in New York City on that fateful day.

It really does change everything when you start to look at the fractions in the equation instead of rounding off the numbers. When you do this you get a much clearer picture. What was going on with Teri’s boyfriend that he would “cheat” on her? Did he think she cared more about her career than him? Did he feel his needs didn’t matter to her? When someone “cheats” then there are obviously intimacy issues within both parties. One person’s acting out on the problem is not good ethics, but they are not to blame for the problem.

What do you think?

Is it easier to think of the world in terms of blacks and whites? Does it make more sense to view people as either the good guy or the bad guy? Tell me what you think. Comment below.

Senator Kean's Gay Tirade

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 23:21:25 GMT

What did Sally Kean say?

State Rep. Sally Kern's expressing her concern that “the homosexual agenda was destroying our nation and that young children were being indoctrinated into believing that the homosexual 'lifestyle' is normal” and then going on to say that “gays are a greater threat than terrorists” really caused quite a stir this week.

Politics in the 21^st century

Thanks to youtube we’ve all heard them out of her own mouth so she can’t even say she never said it. Politics in the 21^st century must be tough. She has been flooded with more than 30,000 e-mails, many of them vulgar, abusive and threatening since her views were made public.

My questions

Two questions come up when I hear all the hurrah over her statements. What drove her to this kind of slanderous talk and what possible good can attacking her with nasty email do?

Of course, when a person takes a strong defensive posture against something like this, declaring verbal war on someone’s sexual choices, you have to ask yourself, what is their agenda? I can’t help but think of Elliot Spitzer (among other fundamental Christians and right-wing political pundits) who was a strong moral advocate against prostitution and gays. The question then becomes, does “the lady protest too much”? When someone is holding their own secret shame, feelings they may even have denied to themselves, often they will loudly protest the wrongness of such feelings.

Where is this passion coming from?

Obviously not every right-wing, Christian fundamentalists fits into this description, but many do. Of course it works the other way too, white left-wing pundits who protest mistreatment of blacks who refuse to hire them themselves, for example.

But regardless, one has to look at the behavior that is being protested and question where the passion against is coming from. Remember the saying, “When you are pointing your finger there are three other fingers pointing back at you.”?

Self-protection at it’s height

My model proposes the idea that “Self-Protection” is the key to understanding this kind of defensive posture. Something is happening inside someone who has that kind of passion against someone else’s choices. They have to be feeling threatened themselves in some way. What is the threat for Senator Kern?

What is she afraid of?

Since, if she is not gay, there is no threat to her person. She simply has to choose to live the way she wants to live. Choosing to fight gays indicates there is something to fight doesn’t it? One can only guess the demons she is fighting inside herself. If she fears the gay tendency inside herself then there is a good chance she will be motivated to fight the outward expression of being gay if this is a shaddow part of herself. She must be very afraid of what is inside of her!

When you shift into thinking of our reactive behaviors as self-protective automatic responses it changes everything.

What do you think?

Is someone loudly protesting prostitution or a gay life style protesting their own tendencies to these behaviors? Or are they merely trying to protect the public from themselves? Perhaps just being Christian means you have to publicly defend (if you are in the public eye) the Christian ways of life as you see them? Let me know what you think. Comment below.