Oh WOW! - Trauma

Altering the Fear with Drugs; A Good Thing?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 18:57:57 GMT

An article came out on Times Online this week about how scientists have discovered a way to alter our experience of traumatic material with the use of drugs. The article addressed this issue as if it were a new idea, and that some might find the whole idea offensive. The news of the advantageous aspects of using Propranolol to reduce PTSD is not new. I recall hearing about it back in 2001, and there is an article online from Harvard Magazine from 2004.

Indeed it seems there is at least one person who thinks this is a bad idea. Paul McHugh, a psychiatrist at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland is as credible as sources can get; on paper. But when you start reading his works you realize what a yahoo he is in reality. In a recent paper he says, "It is my opinion that MPD is another behavioral disorder - a socially created artifact - in distressed people who are looking for help. The diagnosis and subsequent procedures for exploring MPD give them a coherent posture toward themselves and others as a particular kind of patient: "sick" certainly, "victim" possibly. This posture, if sustained, will obscure the real problems in their lives and render psychotherapy long, costly, and pointless. If the customary treatments of hysteria are provided, then we can expect that the multiple personality behaviors will be abandoned and proper rehabilitative attention can be given to the patient."

As if that weren't bad enough, in yet another article he denies the reality of the PTSD diagnosis itself. He says, "It might be expected that ‘traumatologists’ would be cautious in diagnosing a person as having PTSD upon realising that it lacks a specific aetiology and is possibly not a distinct syndrome."

So when this yahoo says, (of Propranolol) “If soldiers did something that ended up with children getting killed, do you want to give them beta-blockers so that they can do it again?” asks Paul McHugh, a psychiatrist at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland, and a member of the US President's Council on Bioethics. “Psychiatrists are once again marching in where angels fear to tread.” What possible credibility can this guy have?

He clearly thinks that all of the millions of practitioners who have come to recognize PTSD as the underlying cause of a multitude of neurosis are completely stupid, or just naive enough to believe the pain our clients are experiencing.

Regardless, it is clear that PTSD exists, and that we have to discover ways to prevent it, manage the symptoms, and reduce he suffering of the millions of people who have it. Propranolol seems to offer some remarkable benefits both for the long term after effects and for preventing the development of PTSD symptoms within a window of time after a traumatic event.

What do you think?

Brittany Murphy's Tragic Death

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 22:07:12 GMT

Anorexia is a silent killer. It's silent because we don't expect people who look "great" to be near death. In our culture we value beauty; beauty that is often associated with being thin. Because film and TV media put on the appearance of a few extra pounds, there is even more pressure on actors and models to be extremely thin.

Starving is a small price to pay, some would say, for achieving dreams of fame and fortune, and joining the privileged few who make it to become working actors. Brittany was close to success as an actor than most in the profession will ever dream of being. She had had some hit films and a fair share of fans. But her secret battle with anorexia cost her life.

I've worked with clients, and had friends who suffered from various types of eating problems. Even when the person suffering from the disorder is doing it for "professional" reasons, there are underlying issues that drive the disorder to out of control proportions. Usually that something is some kind of unresolved traumatic experience.

Funny thing about traumatic experiences, we don't always recognize them as traumatic. Sometimes we think they are just normal and we are the crazy ones for having a bad reaction to them. We blame ourselves for how we reacted to it, feeling shame and humiliation for having a painful reaction to something that is normal in our experience. An example of this is "spanking" or even verbally berating a child. These things don't, on the surface appear to be so traumatic, but in the wrong circumstances they most certainly can be traumatic.

If you or someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder, whether its from over or under eating, odds are there are underlying traumatic issues that they need support in addressing.

What do you think? Have you ever struggled with a full blown eating disorder and not sought help? Known someone who has? I'd love to hear about it. Comment below.

Tough Times

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 01:14:38 GMT

A lot of us are having tough times today. There was an article on the front of the NY Times this morning about the trauma of being in a terrible "recession". People who have worked hard all their lives are losing their jobs, their ability to feed themselves, and their homes. Maybe, the recession is even harder for those than it is for the poor. The poor have always been poor and have figured out how to manage. But for those that have managed to be middle, middle-upper, or even upper income for a period of time, the loss can be devastating, even traumatic.

I watched a show on Oprah! where Lucy Ling went to the shanty towns in California and interviewed some of the people. Many were middle aged, and parents. Most of their kids didn't even know their parents were there.

This is a time that calls for tremendous compassion, not just for others, but for ourselves. If you are some of those who are struggling to make ends meet, or worse, you are simply unable to do it at all and lose everything, its vital that you keep an awareness of your value in the midst of it all.

In this country in particular we tend to equate value with our financial worth. And while dollars can be evidence that we are producing value, it doesn't mean we are worthless. Each of us, even when we temporarily, or even permanently find ourselves unable to produce income, have value. We can contribute to the world by being who we are.

I recall a client of mine who had a neighbor who was a total hermit. But once in a while she would come out and speak with my client and they shared a love for romance novels. My client found it very touching and meaningful to connect with this woman, even though the woman probably had no idea she made any difference. We can't fully know or judge our own value.

Try to remember that the next time it feels you have nothing to offer anyone. Trust me, we ALL (even me) go through that delusion from time to time.

Julie and Julia Inspired Me

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 23:37:07 GMT

I have not been posting blogs regularly. I've been somewhat overwhelmed by working on the Life Beyond Trauma Conference. Other things have taken my attention, too. Helping with the Free to Be Me Concert with a Cause that features my dear friend Donna Kay and myself singing backup, for one. But you know, as Rosanna Rosanna Dana says, "It's always something." So I'm making a commitment to blog every day for a year.

Yes, its true, I am. I'm not that great at those kinds of commitments and I think it will be good for me to have the discipline. Not so great at discipline either. Long term projects usually end up being set aside because I get off onto something else. I am notorious for staring an exercise routine and six months later I've dropped it completely.

Well, a couple of months ago I decided to have more self discipline in regard to my exercise regimen and, so far, I've been keeping it up. Don't hold your breath, but it could actually hold.

Now I'm going to add in blogging. And rather than blog about my ideas (though I know I will get on my soapbox from time to time), I'm going to talk about what is going on with me, in my life and how the heck I do all the things I do. People ask me that, so now you are going to find out. Rather daunting that; exposing myself this way. Nevertheless, I think it will be fun and an awesome learning experience. Whether anyone finds it of interest is another mater altogether.

So, today, I sit in front of my daughter Heather's computer and write this. My own mac is on the blitz since our last ice storm and I haven't found someone yet who can revive it. So I am borrowing Heather's G5 while she is in Taiwan. (hopefully I will get my own before she returns) On my desk is a rather tall stack of papers to be filed, two large bags of balloons with the Life Beyond Trauma logo on them, and miscelaneous other papers. These are left over from the Celebration Balloon Release I participated in this past Saturday. It was an amazing event celebrating the courage and strength of survivors of sexual assualt and abuse.

Lynette, my organizer would be appalled to see the condition of my desk she helped me put together two months ago. However, that said, after her help, it will only take me a few minutes to restore it. Thanks, Lynette.

I suppose it's appropriate that I start this today, the day after Patrick Swayze’s death. I’m still so sad. Only one other entertainer has affected me this way. Steve Erwin, remember him? He was the Crocodile Hunter. What Steve and Patrick have in common is that they both were such genuinely good people. They demonstrated the heart of compassion. Everything they did in their lives and in their careers demonstrated the huge hearts held in their small human bodies.

I’m saddened that we had to lose them both, but I suppose they had done whatever it is they were supposed to do here. But they sure are missed.

Women Perpetrators? Is it a far fetched Idea?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 20:24:08 GMT

ABC Online's SCOTT MICHELS, SARAH NETTER, LAURA MARQUEZ and SABINA GHEBREMEDHIN seem to think the idea of a woman being a sexual perpetrator is far fetched. Do you? I suspect most people find the idea rather rediculous. In our culture women are, as Michels, Netter, Marquez and Ghebremdhin suggest, seen as nurturers and not violent or sexual perpetrators.

Throughout the article, Why Do Some Women Kill, they search for explanations as to why a woman could possibly become so strangely perverse as to do what Melissa Huckaby, a Sunday school teacher and the mother apparently did, which was to rape and kill one of her daughter's friends. The authors of this article propose that maybe she is just covering up for her daughter having accidentally killed the girl, or maybe she just got carried away in the interrogation and said things that are not true. Whether or not Ms Huckaby is guilty of the crimes, it is obvious from this incident that most of us will go to extraordinary lengths to rationalize that a woman could not possibly do what Ms Huckaby admitted to having done.

It’s ironic, too, because just today I read on UPI about a woman in Russia capturing a man trying to rob her beauty salon. Seems she tied him up with a hair dryer cord, fed him Viagra and forced him to have sex with her for two days until she was apprehended and charged with rape.

Both articles are evidence that women are indeed capable of doing things sexually perverted and acting as perpetrators of sexual abuse. Does this shake up your belief system? I know it does for a lot of people.

The idea that women could do such horrendous acts was beyond my own belief until I began working with sexual abuse survivors more than 20 years ago. Slowly but surely I began to accept the truth of what my clients were telling me. In spite of what statistics will show us, I have every reason to believe that women perpetrate as much violence and sexual abuse on their children as do men.

I know it’s a radical statement to make and statistics being what they are, will not back me up. But statistics rely on one important measure: self-report or outright evidence. In my experience the victims of female perpetrated crimes will not admit to having been perpetrated by a woman for lots of socially understandable reasons. In our culture, as the ABC article states are thought of as being the "nurturer" and to accept, even for ourselves, that what our mothers, sisters, aunts, and grandmothers did to us was abusive flies in the face of our most sacred beliefs about woman's role in society. This is also why, even when a victim risks ridicule, rejection and dismissal to tell someone of their abuse by a woman, they are exponentially less likely to be believed.

Until we can begin to look at what I firmly believe to be absolute truth, that women are as guilty of sexual, physical and verbal abuse and violence as are men, the cycle of abuse and violence that plagues our world will never be eradiated.

What do you think? Has a woman in your life ever beaten, hit, screamed at, emotionally, verbally, or sexually abused you in any way? Do you think it's impossible? Improbable? Comment below. This is an incredibly important topic.

Domestic Abuse Myths

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 16:15:24 GMT

Five mistakes we make when we talk about Rihanna and Chris
Brown's relationship.
Today on the newsweek site Raina Kelley's article, "Domestic Abuse Myths" appeared on the web. She is right is some ways, of course, there is a cycle that happens when abuse is taking place and both parties take part in it. She is also correct in that no one should ever have to accept physical abuse from another person and the "Injured Party" has to get help.

It's also interesting to note that while the larger the person is the more dmage they can do; there are plenty of cases of women being perpetrators of physical abuse to their spouses as well. These cases to not result in arrests or taking pity on the injured party since they cannot do as much physical damage. Plus, men tend to get laughed at if they complain about a woman abusing them. But the dynamic of physical abuse happens to both men and women. It's just not "manly" to consider yourself as having been abused by a woman."

The thing is, there are five major mistakes when the media and others talk about what transpired between Chris Brown and Rihanna.

Mistake #1 Blame
Its easy to blame the perpetrator of abuse for the incident. Its easy to see them as the bad guy because they, clearly, were the ones that lost control and caused physical injury to the other person. But the reality is, both parties are always a part of the cycle and can and do learn to change from a posture of blame and fault to one of empathy and compassion.

Mistake #2 Considering yourself a Victim
Both parties feel like Victims. When you consider yourself to be a "Victim" of someone else, and the world at large supports that position, you are powerless to do anything to change what is happening. You are innocent and have no power in the situation. That's what defines a victim isn't it?

Several years ago Oprah had a show on domestic violence perpetrators. She went to a facilty where men were being treated and given help for their behaviors. Oprah could not comprehend how these men could possibly behave as they did. One man, who had taken a frying pan to his wife's head, helped her understand. He told her that what happened is that he felt so out of control, so powerless in the situation that he felt driven to do what ever he had to do to make the pain and misery stop. At that moment, Oprah got it. She said, "Oh, it's just like me and food!".

Rihanna, like other adults being abused, have the power and responsibility to learn from what is happening and take action to change. Chris Brown has the power and responsibilty to learn and take action to change. But neither is really a Victim.

Mistake #3 Having No Empathy
Whether you are the person being beaten or the person doing the beating, when abuse occurs, it occurs in the absence of empathy. Neither party has any understanding or empathy of the other person's pain. Someone who strikes out in fear and pain by hitting someone else feels terrified and horribly alone. They feel as if the person who is supposed to love them and understand them has become their enemy by hurting them beyond tolerance. Of course, then the person they hit feels exactly the same way. But the person beaten is clearly the victim, right?

Learning to have empathy for the person doing the hitting is the only way to change the pattern. This is not to say excusing the behavior, but it is to say having empathy for the pain and helping the person change.

On the same Oprah episode, a woman who was in her second marriage and third abusive relationship spoke up. She said (roughly), "I began to recognize that something that was going on had to have something to do with me. This was my third relationship in which I was being hit. I knew this man loved me, but something I was doing had to have something to do with what was going on. When I began to have empathy for what he was going through and how my behavior was impacting him, things began to change."

Mistake #4 Taking No Ownership
When we are in a conflict with someone else, the conflict will escalate out of control if one party refuses to take ownership of their part in the conflict. Ever had a conflict with a business? What makes us irrate is when no one in the company will acknowledge that we have been injured.

In the past few years, hospitals have begun to implement a policy of telling patients who have been injured by malpractice or neglect that they are sorry this happened. The hospitals have recognized that by accepting responsibility they are much less likely to incur legal action if they accept responsibiity than if they do not. This goes against traditional legal views, but is in fact born out in actual statistics. Things do not escalate if when ownership is accepted.

Mistake #5 Not Respecting
When someone goes to the hospital with injuries, like Rihanna, or shows up with blackened eyes we assume they had no responsibilty in what occurred and they are incapable of having protected themselves. This is remarkably disrepectful of the person. Obviously Rihanna is substantially smaller than Chris Brown, and in an argument turned physical, he clearly has more physical power. But that does not mean she was powerless.

When we, as a culture, decide that someone is powerless, we remove any potential for them to behave in responsible ways for themselves. The result is that we actually cripple them by encouraing them to see themselves as having no power or responsiibility in their situation. Like the woman on Oprah, Rihanna has to learn how her behaviors impact the relationship and how she can shift her awareness to change the dynamic between the two of them. Otherwise if its not Chris Brown the next time, it will be someone else.

Simple Model Not Easy
This simple model, "The Cycles of the Heart" can transform how we experience conflict and our most intimate relationships. It can literally change everything in how we respond to ourselves and the world. But, while it is simple, it is not easy to do. It requires shifting how we have viewed ourselves and our world. It's no small task.

What Do You Think?
Have you been a victim of abuse? Have you perpetrated abuse? Do you think I am dead wrong or right on? Let me know. Comment below.

San Diego Plane Crash Victim's Amazing Compassion

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 23:30:16 GMT

On Monday I was startled to see a news report on CNN about a jet crashing into a home in San Diego. Of course, my first thought was, “Oh, God, where was that?” My oldest daughter lives north of San Diego near Miramar. Once I realized it was far from where my daughter lives, I thought, “Oh, I hope no one was home. Its daytime, so maybe the people were at work.” Unfortunately, of course, that was not true.

I read today that a young woman, her mother and her two infant daughters were killed in the crash. The dear man who is the grieving widower and father, Dong Yun Yoon, was quoted in today’s CNN report about his reaction to his loss.

Amazing Compassion

This remarkable young man demonstrates the power of true compassion in what he told CNN. He said “"Please pray for him not to suffer from this accident. He is one of our treasures for the country. I don't blame him. I don't have any hard feelings. I know he did everything he could.” How many of us could express such feelings after someone had killed our most beloved family members?

Certainly, Dong Yun Yoon will get through this tragedy in better shape than many people get through equally as devastating ones. His compassionate heart leaves room for the possibility of healing with a lack of blame and revengeful, punitive beliefs, which typically block healing. It truly changes everything when you can allow yourself to fully respect and have empathy for the perpetrators of your loss instead of moving into what our reptilian brains would have us do: blame.

That poor pilot!

Whether the poor bloke who dropped his plane on Dong Yun Yoon can have the same kind of empathy and respect for himself is a whole other question indeed. He is said to have been distraught at the idea that someone might have been injured in the incident. The trauma of what occurred for the pilot will be even more difficult for him to heal from if he is unable to have the same amount of compassion for himself. I pray that he is able to have the same amount of compassion for himself as does Dong Yun Yoon.

How about you?

Can you have this kind of compassion for those who have injured you? Have you been able to do this? If so or if not, I’d love to hear your story. Comment below.

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Dr. Phil, Please Get Some Help!

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 18:40:34 GMT

Speaking up

Okay, I know no one is a “bad guy” but I have to seriously question the health and intentions of Dr. Phil. He is in serious need of some kind of intervention. He is likable and has a lot of smart, pithy things to say, but he has crossed over the line. I was getting my nails done last week and was forced to listen to his show. He had some sort of “Retreat” program with 16 people going through his “program”.

TV Therapy

What a lot of people don’t know is that to be able to go on TV and intervene with people the way he is doing, you have to give up your licensure as a professional. Dr. Phil is an unlicensed psychologist. There is nothing wrong with that, per se, but people should know that he is not licensed and that it is for a reason.

Professional counseling and psychology licenses attempt to regulate what it is okay to do and what is NOT okay to do. Professionals lose their license when they do something that is considered to be inappropriate or unethical of a professional. Dr. Phil’s doing therapy on national television is considered to be unethical, that is why it’s forbidden for license holders.

Dr. Phil’s Retreat

On this ‘retreat” program I suffered through I watched innocent people going through hell. Dr. Phil used his undue influence to coerce these people into revealing the most intimate details of their lives and trauma history in front of millions of people. Okay, he was trying to get the point across that being victimized is not the defining thing about us as human beings. His point is when we hold the secret in our entire lives and let it dominate our emotional lives; it becomes the dominant factor in our lives. The supposed point of this exercise is, we are to believe, getting rid of this excess baggage.

The Problem of National TV Therapy

The problem is multidimensional. To start this, this is therapy and therapy is by necessity something that should be private and confidential. He was doing group therapy on national television, exploiting those peoples pain and suffering for his own ends. He was directly benefiting from their suffering. This is not only unethical; it’s immoral. Now those people will walk down the street and be recognized as “Oh, there is that guy that was raped when he was nine!” How is that going to help rid him of his Victim baggage?

Sure, there will be some short term benefit of relieving oneself of the burden of carrying around the secret, but the long term effects of exposing such vulnerability on the national stage is not something that has been researched. We have no idea how this could impact someone as vulnerable as a severe abuse survivor. Neither does Dr. Phil, what’s more, he obviously doesn’t care. I’m sure his ratings went up and that is what is most important isn’t it?

It’s Exploitation

I am surprised that more counseling and psychology professionals are not as upset by this obvious exploitation of these brave individuals. I can only imagine the amount of pain and suffering they will now have to endure as a result of Dr. Phil’s exploitation of them.

Dr. Phil, Please Get Your Own Help

Of course, I know that anyone causing this much pain to another person has to be holding in a heck of a lot of their own pain. It makes me sad for him. He is out there with the Rescuer mode in his head and in fact injuring people in the process. I suspect he buys his own press, thinking he is this great and helpful person. And this is not to say he hasn’t helped some people, I am quite sure he has. But the reality is that Rescuers do sometimes help people but in the process also injure a lot of people, too. I should know; I spent a lot of my life as a Rescuer.

Is Dr. Phil Injuring or Helping?

Let me know what you think. I am opinionated but not closed-minded. I would love to hear what you think. Comment below.

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Immunity for Abu Ghraib & Iraq Torturers?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 15:29:08 GMT

Searching out the bad guys

Who’s to blame? That’s what we all want to know isn’t it. When something goes wrong our primitive nature seeks out the source of the crime. We want to know who or what is to blame so that we can put the whole issue to rest. Whatever the issue.

Last weeks Newsweek contained an article by Stuart Taylor Jr. about how looking for blame in regard to the problem of torturing suspected war criminals in the United States military over the past seven years cannot be approached this way. He has gotten some flack from readers about his no blame approach. But I think he is 100% correct.

The pattern of blame

When we spend all our time in search of the bad guy, trying to figure out who should go to jail, who should be prosecuted. People always automatically go into Self-Protector mode. This causes anyone involved to go behind a veil of silence, protecting them from possible trouble that could result if they were to come clean.

At this point the government has prosecuted only those at the lowest level of the abuse; those acting under orders in an atmosphere encouraging such behavior.

Should they have known better?

Sure, but then again, so should those prosecuting them.

The problem, as Taylor points out, is a systemic problem that cannot be solved merely by pointing fingers. In fact as those involved fear for their freedom and their careers will band together to protect themselves from harm. Wouldn’t you?

Our survival nuture

It is our nature, when under attack, to fight for our survival. The problem is that because we live in a world where nothing exists except Self-Protectors, Victims and Rescuers then Taylor must be seen as a Rescuer. Victims don’t like Rescuers who are rescuing the perceived perpetrator.

Is this Rescuing?

Rescuing is when you take over, with no respect for the other, and hold them irresponsible for their deeds. This is NOT what Taylor is calling for at all.

Taylor’s premise is that we must examine the problem from inside the system, recognizing that something went wrong in the system and holding each person accountable for their part, but not to “blame”. Giving everyone involved immunity allows us to step back and look at the whole problem of how this travesty occurred in our supposedly “free” American society.

Any other approach leads to more secrecy, more scapegoats, and more travesties.

Practicing Compassion

Coming from a compassionate place where we recognize that within a system where abuse is as normal as eating, finding blame is useless. It’s like the whole dysfunctional family trend of the early ‘90’s. We’re miserable, so who’s to blame? Why our parents of course! Anyone who survived this period of time in psychotherapy will attest to what this cost them personally within their family systems.

Practicing compassion means holding people accountable without blaming them for the entire blame. Certainly no one person made the decision to allow the kinds of tortures we have read about since the beginning of the Afghanistan and Iraq wars. Respecting that each person within the system did what they thought was correct, legal actions at the time; we allow them to speak of how the horrors came to be. We have empathy for how difficult it might have been to have broken from the status quo to protest. In doing this own that what happened should not have happened and take ownership of preventing any further, similar horrors to occur.

Compassion requires allow us to be human beings. It allows us to make mistakes, yet holds us accountable for our behavior. It changes how we perceive everything.

Should we pursue the bad guys

What do you think? Am I off base? Is Taylor? I know some of you have to be irate at the thought of “letting them off” for such awful deeds. Tell me what you think. Comment below.

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Rape of Girls OK'd in Texas FLDS Case

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 14:10:39 GMT

Be patient, I’m going to RANT

A lot of us in Texas, and I suppose, around the world are shocked and amazed at the public turnaround on the decision to remove the 440 children from the FLDS compound in West Texas. I mean, I am glad that if CPS acted without proper authority the Supreme Court overruled them. CPS in my experience has seldom done things correctly. I have seen them remove children from parents who loved them because their spouses or boyfriends who were then incarcerated had abused their children. I have even had cases where bruised and battered adolescents were told to “Go home and mind your parents”. I’ve seen them investigate cases where kids were clearly being abused and send the child to treatment and let the parent remain in the home to have the child rejoin them with no consequence or follow up after returning from treatment. I’ve seldom seen CPS do the right thing, so it is no real surprise to me that they screwed this one up, too.

What about the kids?

My dismay is that these poor kids have had such an awful ordeal. First, they are brought up in a culture that cuts them off from any knowledge or exposure to the modern world. Then they are taught obedience to an authority that dictates to them who and when they shall marry and have children, no matter their tender years. I understand there were dozens of children under the age of 17 who were “married” mothers. The boys were taught that they, too, were to grow up and marry someone the “authority’ selected for them and to have sex with their “underage wives.”

These kids have been yanked from everything they knew, exposed to the “outside world” and given sanctity and safety for a month or so and now they are being returned to the world they were torn from. I suppose it is hard to know who the abusers are since the members of the sect deny any “abuse”. Oh, I suppose girls get pregnant by divine intervention. At least that must be how the Texas Supreme Court sees it since I have never seen more clear evidence that SOMEONE is abusing a child than that they are under age and pregnant in a cult where the BOYS never marry under age 17.

This is the biggest mess I’ve ever seen and I don’t understand what in the world is going to protect those kids from further abuse.

The New FLDS Policy

The newest thing is that they say they no longer will have a policy of letting under age girls marry. HELLO they were NEVER legally married in the FIRST PLACE. What is to prevent them from continuing an illegal practice that was never overtly practiced???

Don’t misunderstand, I don’t think these cult members who have been practicing their perverted version of Mormonism for over a hundred years. This is NOT a matter of “Religious Freedom”. It is a matter of CHILD SAFETY. Oh, and of course, polygamy itself is illegal in Texas, too.

Maybe the authorities are just stepping back to make a better case later, but in the meantime these children continue to be exposed to further abuse. What of the girls who are under age and “married” to their older cousins and uncles? Wont they go right back into the subjection of forces sexual relations with their “husband”? What is to prevent it? It is what they “believe” to be their rightful place.

What other abuse situation would we let this happen in?

In other situations where children are in a home where abuse is clearly taking place the child is NOT RETURNED because the odds are that they will be abused again. WHAT IS DIFFEREN HERE????

It is our job as a community to protect these children. We have let them down. I am disappointed and grieved that these poor kids don’t have anyone who will protect them. Their mothers and their grandmothers and their aunts and uncles all grew up believing that it is right for them to be subjected to this kind of treatment. Clearly none of them are going to protect their kids, boys or girls.

Man o’ man that CPS

CPS, “bless their hearts” are “doing the best they can”. They are going to “teach” these parents to parent??? How can they pretend that this somehow will protect these children. As long as the “husbands” have access to their “wives” the kids will be abused. It’s their “God given right” according to the FLDS beliefs.

A better solution?

From the beginning of this mess I have thought it was all handled badly. CPS went in with guns, armed to remove the kids from their “dangerous” family. It was heavy handed and frightening to participants and viewers alike. What I believe should have been done is that a number of CPS workers, social workers and psychologist should have gone in and taken charge of the kids on the compound itself. They should have separated the men and the women and began teaching them about child development, the law, and parenting. This would take months and they could continue to practice their religious beliefs while being taught a more humane way to treat children. Prosecuting the “polygamist’ marriages as they were discovered through financial penalties and incarceration only in the most hardened cases. In cases of men who have developed pedophilia as a result (we do have tests for this) remove them from access to any child (as we do in the case of other child abuse offenders) and even incarcerating those most likely to re-offend in the greater community.

What do you think?

Any other approach denies children protection, and traumatizes all the individuals involved without helping anyone only criminalizing the whole bunch as we did that fateful day we went in armed and bussed their children away from them.

What do you think? Was it right that we sent them back? What should we do? Comment below.

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Is Incest Insanity?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 05 May 2008 15:23:26 GMT

Incest is a mental illness?

Today CNN reports that Josef Fritzi’s lawyer is attempting to get him off with an “insanity” plea. His lawyer, Mayer, said: "I believe that the trigger was a mental disorder, because I can't imagine that someone has sex with his own daughter without having a mental disorder,"

If incest is, as Fritzi’s lawyer claims, a symptom of mental illness then it could change everything about how we view fathers (and mothers) who rape their children. Maybe we should consider that anyone raping anyone is because of a mental illness. Maybe we should consider that anyone killing anyone else has a mental illness, too.

Ooops… I think I agree.

Strange as it seems, I think I agree with Fritzi’s lawyer. He is obviously seriously mentally ill. But then I believe most of those incarcerated are mentally ill. That is however, quite different than being “insane” isn’t it?

What is “Insane” anyway?>

Someone asked me this past week what it is to be “psychotic” which, I think, is what most courts consider the word “insane” to mean. Psychotic, if you have ever seen it, is clearly “insane”. It means that the sufferer has no ability to connect reality with what is happening inside their head. Reality for a psychotic person is what is in their head and it does not match what anyone else perceives. For instance, a woman who seriously believes she is the Queen of England but lives in a mobile home in rural Oklahoma.

While I do believe that Fritzi suffers from some kind of mental illness, I also believe that the world needs to be protected from people that dangerous.

How monsters are made>

When we understand that abuse creates problems for people, emotionally, we understand how monsters like Fritzi are made. Something really awful must have happened to him as a kid to pervert his mind in such a way. He undoubtedly identified with his own perpetrator. What we know is that when someone is a Victim, they tend to choose one of three ways to manage the horror. They will tend to either remain in a Victim position feeling helpless and hapless (perhaps like Fritzi’s wife) or move in to the Rescuer role and take care of everyone else including their perpetrator (oh, well, I guess this describes Fritzi’s wife even better). Or thirdly they can become a Self-Protector, attempting to gain a sense of power and control by being dominating and over controlling or they can hide behind a wall of hardened emotions. All of these states can, of course, be behind dissociative walls themselves. At the extreme, all of these roles become mental illness. Rescuers are the co-dependant supporters of addicts, abusers and other irrational human beings. Victims become the suicidal depressed clients in psychiatric wards. Self-Protectors (at their worst) can become monsters like Fritzi. Our prisons are full of them.

But none of the above falls into the category of psychotic necessarily. Being mentally ill does not mean insane.

Sorry, Fritzi.>

But to own our own safety we MUST protect ourselves against people who are unable for whatever the reason, to keep themselves from endangering others. When our illness becomes a danger to others, there is no choice but to be locked up. That owns our need for safety. Any jury that would find Fritzi’s illness as a reason to let him go, would have to be one that didn’t understand the need for keeping society safe from someone unable to manage to keep society safe from themselves.

Does “Mentally Ill” equal “Insane”?

What do you think? Comment below.

The Bizarre Enslavement of Elizabeth

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 13:37:11 GMT

The Captivity of Elizabeth

Josef Fritzl shocked and surprised most of the world with the bizarre story of his enslavement of his now 42 year old daughter and her two sons. Rocking Austria with the news, his daughter exposed the horrors she suffered to the police. For 24 years she was held captive by this man, unable to even see the light of day. Before that, she was also his captive slave as his sex slave since the age of 11. Who knows how many more of her 6 surviving children have also been his sex slaves. We know that pedophiles have no limits to the number of children they can and will use for their sexual pleasure.

One of the questions we will likely never know the answers to is who else was involved in helping him set up his mini-prison for his progeny. Certainly others had to have been involved in building out this sound proof cellar that even his wife didn’t know existed. It would have been too difficult for him to do this himself, authorities say.

Child captives

The horrors of what this man has done are shocking to most people. Raping and holding his own children captive is unthinkable for most of us. I thank God for that fact. Yet, stories like this come to me every day. Perhaps they were not held captive for 24 years, but they were certainly held captive for their entire childhoods.

This is often the reality of what survivors of childhood sexual abuse. They are in fact at the total control of their abusing parents. Their position as children gives them no rights and no way to escape, they are totally dependant on their parents for their care and have no choice but to do whatever their parents tell them to do. If they are in some type of cult, they are even more trapped because it involves all of the people in their world.

Or split off selves

The result is a type of psychic splitting that often becomes Dissociative Identity Disorder. For some its merely Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, where the splits are not clear cut and do not carry clearly separate identities, only moods or jobs and memories of what occurred that is blocked out by the host. Many of us are like this, whether we realize it or not. If you have blocks of your childhood you don’t recall it could be held by a ego-state split off from your conscious awareness.

This is what explains the bizarre and inexplicable behavior of people who seem “ordinary” to the outside world and who have alter identities that behave in sometimes horrific ways. That is not to say that all DID’s have horrific things they do or have done, mostly this is not true. But this is how this sort of thing occurs.

How the Cycle of Egocentrism starts inside

Because our psyches are set up to split off awareness of things to awful for our little minds to comprehend, we send this part of our awareness into the nether regions of our mind. This part of us has been a Victim of something awful. Then perhaps this part of us has to continue to participate in horrors and to survive, models themselves after the perpetrator of the abuse. This part of them becomes like their perpetrator in order to survive so they become a Self Protector. In order to protect themselves, they align with their perpetrator. Or they become the caretaker of their perpetrator to survive becoming a Rescuer.

It changes everything when you recognize how the splitting occurs in all of us at some level. When it occurs to the degree it did for Josef Fritzl, it creates a monster that most of us cannot fathom. Yes, even Josef Fritzl deserves empathy. What could have happened to him to make him become the horrific nightmare of a human being he became? To be really clear: this does not justify his behavior. He is still responsible for what he did, even if we can recognize that at some point he was a Victim as well.

What do you think?

Is it possible to find empathy for such a monster? Like Hitler, Josef Fritzl did horrid things. But at some level he, too, was just trying to survive in the only way he could figure out to survive based on how he saw his world. Let me know what you think. Comment below.

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A Cult is a Cult is a Cult

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 02:31:34 GMT

Cult Abuse of Chlldren

What might have happened if the mothers and children of the Branch Davidians had been captured instead of slaughtered that day in April, 1995? Would it have been that different than what is happening today? A cult that uses women and children as their sex slaves in the name of religion is one that cannot be allowed to continue.

What they are brought up to believe

Yet the children, male and female alike, in this bizarre sect have all been brought up to believe in their “faith” s as a natural, precious, and fundamental part of what it is to be a human being. They go about their lives believing, as they have for generations, that this is truth and the way to God’s Kingdom. Each and every one of them is raised to accept this view of themselves and others. They each believe in what they were conditioned to believe since birth. Their accepted worldview rejects or technology, and our modern ways and the knowledge of psychology and the acquired wisdoms of the past 150 years. Ignorance was their choice. It is always the way of cults in general. Outside knowledge of other’s beliefs is not only discouraged but punished. No new knowledge can be allowed into the closed system because new knowledge would destroy the system.

Who is going to be prosecuted?

Do you prosecute the women who were brought up to believe that marrying off your children to much older men is acceptable? Do you prosecute these same women for abandoning their young sons that were thrown out of their “families” because there were too many of them? Do your prosecute the men, who were brought up to believe it is their rightful place to have many young wives and force them to have sex with them as they please?

Clearly Criminal

Clearly all of the above constitute legal abuse and crimes that are normally punishable by law. Yet what happens when we begin to view this case as a case of programming, not unlike that of Patty Hearst? All of the members of this sect were programmed from birth to see their lifestyle as the only choice acceptable by God as they understand him.

Is it our role as a legal community to imprison them for their crimes, as we did Patty Hearst, or is our responsibility to them something entirely different? What if we could view them not as perpetrators of horrors upon innocent victims, but as victims themselves worthy of our compassion?

The Travesty

Some people already are seeing the travesty that is likely to occur to these people and have been protesting outside the courtrooms where we attempt to find “justice” for those our courts are attempting to protect. Unfortunately there are no “bad guys” here to prosecute. The system was the problem, not the people involved. All of these people were caught up in a system that was dangerous and just plain wrong. But there are no bad guys are there?

A different perspective

It changes everything when you try to look a situation from the prospective of compassion rather than the old egocentric view of seeing everyone as a good guy, a bad guy or a victim. When we impose our legal system on these people by prosecuting them for doing what they earnestly believed was the righteous way of living, we become what our forefathers fought against. We as a community become the perpetrators by prosecuting this group for their religious practices.

Clearly abuse is abuse

But what they were doing to their children was wrong. There is no question about that is there? Raping children of the age of 12 or 14, abandoning children (boys) who were not going to be useful in continuing their patterns of multiple marriages to one male is all wrong. Morally and ethically we cannot let it continue, but we have to stop it in a way that does not make anyone a criminal.

Practicing Empathy

We have to put ourselves in their shoes and practice empathy for their situation. There are those in our culture (among whom I count myself) who oppose the everyday practice of circumcision as genital mutilation of our baby boys. It’s as wrong as the genital mutilation of girls that we have outlawed in this country, even when practiced for religious reasons. Yet we continue to practice this primitive mutilation of baby boys on a daily basis all across our nation. It’s okay to do it to boys, but not to girls. I don’t get that at all.

When we consider that the practice of genitally mutilating boys is a natural normal practice in our culture, it makes it hard not to step into the shoes of a cult that sees raping 12-14 year old girls as a natural and normal practice in theirs.

It changes everything when we begin to have empathy for their beliefs and understand that, like us, they have been brought up in a culture which finds some very bizarre practices to be normal and natural.

What do you think?

Is there a difference between taking innocent babies and mutilating their genitals and taking a 12-13 year old girl into a forced marriage and raping them? Can you find empathy for their strange beliefs or do you see them as a sick, perverted culture that needs to be punished? Tell me what you think. Comment below

Bloody Chicago

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 13:48:30 GMT

Gangland Chicago

Chicago has suffered another horrible weekend of what are most likely gang related shootings. 36 people were shot over the course of one single weekend. I don’t know what the numbers were in the 20’s and 30’s when the mafia was running Chicago but I don’t imagine it was any worse than this.

What drives this kind of violence? The police and others want to blame the guns for the problems. I’m reminded of the movie West Side Story when I hear that. They didn’t need guns to kill people. Maybe fewer people get killed, but killing still happens. Blaming the guns doesn’t really get to the heart of the matter. When we understand the Cycle of Egocentrism we can begin to see how the horrors of this kind of violence are triggered.

Gangs and the Cycle of Egocentrism

Gangs are the epitome of the Cycle of Egocentrism at work. Someone at some point felt damaged by someone else in a different gang, heck, maybe that is what started the gang in the first place. Maybe someone’s friend was insulted, hurt, or killed by someone (thereby becoming a Victim) and the friend gathered up a bunch of their mutual friends and became a gang (then becoming a group of Self-Protectors). Now they target this other person (another Victim), who in turn gathers up his friends and they became a gang (another group of Self-Protectors). The blame game ensues and all that results is pain and death.

The Cycle and us

How many times in our lives have we become stuck in the Victim/Self-Protector cycle of blame? I know when I got divorced (both times) I was convinced the guy was horrible. I made up all kinds of good reasons that my friends agreed with about how awful they were. And, yes, their behaviors were awful. My friends and I judged them as being to blame for everything that happened in my relationship and I could see no complicity on my part. He was the one that was screwing around, after all. He was the one with the temper. He was the one behaving irresponsibly. I never saw that I owned as much responsibility for what occurred in our relationship as my husbands. I was trapped in the blame game just as surely as those gang members.

The growing divorce rate

The Cycle of Egocentrism explains the growing divorce rate better than any thing else. When we get caught up in a Cycle of Egocentrism we believe we are the Victim, and our spouse is the Self-Protector/Perpetrator. Our only choice is to look for Rescue. A Lawyer makes a good Rescuer. The lawyer starts handing out harsh complaints against our spouse and we feel much better. Of course, then we become the Self-Protector/Perpetrator don’t we? Our spouse then gets so hurt and angry, and they lash back with their own Lawyer. Breaking that cycle is the only way to really change everything.

How are you engaged in the Cycle of Egocentrism?

Have you ever found yourself stuck in blame and battling for survival? If you are or have been caught up in the drama, I’d love to hear how your story turned out. Comment below.

The Pope Owns Up

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:02:47 GMT

Pope Benedict XVI Steps Up

In a landmark event Pope Benedict XVI met with several survivors of sexual abuse by Catholic Priests. Over 4,000 people have sued the church for their part in allowing the perpetuation of abuse by priests throughout the world. The church has paid out more than $2 billion in damages to survivors and many dioceses are in bankruptcy as a result of the suits. The sexual perpetration of children put in the care of the church has been a travesty that no amount of money can begin to repay. Raping children, in Louisiana, is now being considered as a crime punishable by death.

The Cycle of Egocentrism

Most victims of such abuse are rightfully angry at what was done to them, and considered the church a part of the abuse because of their negligence in removing known offenders from priesthood. The church became the target of their anger and their blame. The church became the “bad guy” in their drama just as surely as the offending priests themselves.

The Cycle of Compassion

But as of Thursday, April 17^th , 2008, the Catholic Church began the process of taking ownership of the horror the church condoned by it’s neglect over the course of history.

Over the course of the past ten years of victims of the pedophile priests coming out into the public with their stories the church has denied their part in the abuse. Church officials have either turned their heads away or flat out denied any responsibility in these crimes. The self-protective stance of the church led these now adult victims of this horror to attack back by suing the church, thereby becoming self-protectors themselves.

Owning Up

Pope Benedict XVI took the historic step to meet with a few of the victims to begin the process of owning up to what the church has failed to own up to in the past. By apologizing to the victims of the abuse, the Pope has demonstrated the practice of compassion in his papacy.

The Practice of Compassion Changes Everything

When we begin to practice compassion by taking ownership of our part in a wrong we are not taking the blame for what has occurred, we are simply stating that we are responsible for our part in it. This is what the Pope did last week.

By allowing those few victims to face the person who is now, ultimately, responsible for the actions of the entire Catholic church, Pope Benedict XVI has chosen to move out of the dark ages of egocentrism and into compassion thereby changing one of the patterns long ago established by the church. That changes everything for the now adult survivors of the churches negligence.

Have you been affected by a pedophile priest?

Do you have a history that you would like to tell here? Has someone you love been affected? I’d love to hear from you. Comment below.

The Dilemma of the Mormon Sect in South Texas

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 20:53:42 GMT

Cycles of Dysfunction

One of the biggest stories in Texas for the past couple of weeks has been the story about the “Fundamentalist” branch of Mormons who lived on a 700 acre compound in south Texas while practicing their beliefs of polygamy as a valid, spiritual practice allowing all members to experience closeness to God through their patience. This practice has as a centerpiece of its practices the pre-arrangement of marriages of older men (40-50 years old) to girls when they turn 13. The girls are then supposed to become one of their husbands many wives and bear children from which other men will choose their future 13-year-old wife.

Twisted Faith

The members of this sect are loyal Christians believing in the Book of Mormon from some “fundamental” perspective that ordains their behaviors as sacred. All of the children are brought up in this system, and as a part of this system are indoctrinated into believing that they are doing what is right and spiritual, including the males. It’s easy to think of this sect as a group of perverted individuals who prey on young girls and subjugate the women into sexual slavery, because, by our standards and beliefs, that is exactly what is occurring in fact.

Perpetrators?

Of course, this is how the legal system addresses this issue as well, treating the men as wicked perpetrators preying on innocent young girls. We love to look at things in black and white terms in our world, and our legal system is organized to support a clear-cut right and wrong view of the world.

Is legal perpetration any better?

But what if we could step back from the Victim-Perpetrator-Rescuer mentality long enough to consider the wholeness of what has occurred. The practice of polygamy in the name of religion is at least as old as our country. Generations of children have been brought up believing in this practice as a part of their spirituality and taught, through this twisted view of Christianity, that it is the right and proper actions for all involved. Members of the religion believe it is their right to have the most basic of our US Constitutional rights, to practice their faith as they see fit.

In fact, other religions have been honored in their spiritual practices and given rights to do things that would otherwise be considered illegal. Native Americans are allowed to gather and possess Peyote (a psychosis-inducing plant that is classified as an illegal drug). Other religions have allowed the mutilation of children for thousands of years and it is practiced as an accepted part of our culture without question from authorities: circumcisions of male infants.

What is so different about what this sect is doing? Forcing sexual intercourse on anyone, married or not, 13 or not, is rape. But I also think its atrocious to cut on the genitals of infants…

Where is our line?

We must look at the rights of children and certainly forcing them in to marriage and sex at 13 is wrong, but the entire sect believed this to be an honorable spiritual practice, even the men. Their cult, along with all others, is base on a the Cycle of Egocentrism and can only be positively addressed by using the Cycle of Compassion.
We become the perpetrator

Law enforcement swoops down and grabs up over 400 children, many of who are already mothers themselves, and sent them off to overcrowded facilities with caregivers from an entirely different world. This traumatized the children even further and certainly did nothing to help them perceive this new world in which they found themselves seem safe or inviting. So in trying to rescue these children our community becomes the perpetrator, harming them even further. The people they love are now being seen as criminals and the children, then put in a place to want to protect the only family they know, and in spite of what may have happened to them, they want to “rescue” the people we perceive of as their perpetrators.

What is right?

In the “cycle of egocentrism”, which involves viewing the cult members as “evildoers” and criminals, from whom their victims need rescuing we remain caught up in a system of pain and misery. What if we could see these people as wounded individuals who need our help in discovering more productive ways to live with each other and in the world? What if we had some empathy for their worldview and, while taking ownership of protecting the children, and gave them respect for the fact that each of them was doing what they believed to be correct (no matter how ill conceived)? Wouldn’t that change everything?

What do you think?

Whether you understand the bizarre practices of this South Texas cult, you certainly have some opinions about both the cult and our response to it. Let me know what you think.

Comment below. Use the security key – I’ve been being spammed lately…

Al Qeada Doesn't Kill Innocents?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 13:22:49 GMT

No innocents killed?

Al Qaeda “doesn’t kill innocents” according to it’s second in command Ayman al-Zawahiri. He made his remarks in response to questions solicited on a Web site close to al Qaeda. Typical.

Typical Self-Protectors

Typical Self-Protectors blame their victims for their behaviors. A Self-Protector believes the person they are attacking is to blame for their misery. They cannot see the person they are attacking as innocent. They fail to see any other perspective, they twist reality to suit their own survival needs.

Bullies do that, too, don’t they? They convince themselves that the miserable little person they are beating up on has more power than they do. They pick on the person they perceive as smarter, more able than they in some way. Bullies decide that the person they are attacking deserves what they do to them.

Attacking and blame

When we find ourselves in a position of attacking someone else, we have lost our perspective on what is really taking place. Blame does that, it throws us into a distorted view of ourselves and our world.

When we blame and attack we lose sight of the other person entirely, we only see the world through our own, egocentric, position. We are hurting so we look for someone to blame for our hurt.

Look at the circumstances

When we fail to look at the circumstances that lead to the wound we are experiencing we loose contact with reality. But our brain response is that it doesn’t matter, we just need someone to lay the blame on so that we can protect ourselves.

Understanding that a man beating his wife feels a desperate need to get control can help us prevent it from happening in the future. Blaming him for his helplessness and throwing him into jail or paying fines doesn’t help us discover the underlying cause of his misery and subsequent reaction to that misery. Yes, of course, he is responsible for his behavior, but simply viewing his behavior absent understanding of the context shortchanges everyone, including the victim. How many times do victims return to their abuser? If we unravel the tangled web of what each party is experiencing and move into a different paradigm for understanding the patters, it changes everything.

What the world needs

This is what we need to do on a world scale, as well as a personal one. When we fail to uncover the intricacies of what is really happening when someone is attacking another, we fail to respond in a way that can prevent future conflict.

Is understanding the cause of something the same as blame?

What do you think? When we look for a reason something occurred, as reasonable people will do, is this the same as blame? Or is blame something else? Let me know what you think, comment below.

Father Says Son's Killer is "Normal Kid"

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 23:53:17 GMT

Nightmare time

Anita Shaw, was stationed in Iraq for the U.S. Army when her son, Jamiel Jr., was killed. She said she was filled with anger when she saw Espinoza, the young man who murdered her son. Her response, initially, was that she says, she wanted to “get up in his face and say, 'How dare you kill my baby! How dare you kill anybody,'" The murdered Jamiel’s father said he thought he’d see a “monster”, but now says he saw a “normal kid”.

Normal kid?>

Jamiel Shaw Sr. is now championing the cause of pulling together the two diverse communities of blacks and Latinos in an attempt to curtail the violence.

Jamiel Sr is now seeing this problem as bigger than the boy he once thought of as a “monster”. He is now seeing that Espinoza (the accused murderer of Jamiel, Jr) is a part of a system of violence and in need of help as surely as his son.

Making the shift to compassion

Moving from seeing his son and the boy who murdered him in the juxtaposed positions of victim and perpetrator, Jamiel Sr has begun the process of moving into compassion. When we are stuck in the point of view of seeing even such horrendous crimes as the violent death of a young, positive role model, like young Jamiel, as more than a question of right and wrong, good guys vs. bad guys, and good and evil, we have a chance of changing the world.

A new kind of hero>

In my opinion father’s like Jamiel are heroes. They are the model for the world. When we can find it in our hearts to move into compassion, or even further, into forgiveness, for those whose hands committed these horrors we have moved into an entirely different level of existing as humans. This, is exactly what Azim Khamisa is doing.

Azim Khamisa>

With over 10 years experience as a teacher of peace and unity, Azim’s mission is to heal hurt hearts through the path of forgiveness. His speeches and workshop – delivered to thousands over the past 11 years - follows the three steps he used to help heal his own heart: (a) acknowledge that you have been wronged; (b) give up all the resulting resentment and (c) reach out to the offending person/party with love and compassion.

Azim’s message mirrors that of my own, and his mission, one of helping humanity grow beyond our wounding. When you can allow yourself to overcome the wounding you’ve experienced and move into compassion through stepping out of the cycle of violence and egocentrism we live in, it changes everything.

Could you do it?

Could you forgive the person that killed your son? Or is that the wrong approach to dealing with violence? Tell me what you think. Comment below.

Scientists Confirm Runner's High

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 15:18:53 GMT

Runner’s high no surprise to me

Many afternoons when I was at the gym I watched a young girl run around the track multiple times, then quickly move through rotations on all the weight equipment and then repeat the process. She looked like an addict in pursuit of a high. Now in a CNN article, it seems scientists have confirmed her experience as real.

I know most people who use exercise and run do so to be healthy, there are and always will be, those who have found what they consider to be a “positive addiction”. William Glasser wrote a book of that title back in the ‘70’s.

But anything that is used addictively is used to avoid something. If you are using running, work, exercise, sex, food, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, shopping, television, or anything else to “lift your mood” in an addictive way you are an addict.

The addictive process

What happens to us is that when we are hurting we think we can’t tolerate it. For whatever reasons, our upbringing or our fear, prevents us from realizing that pain is temporary and we think we have to stop it or we will feel this way forever. We feel like a Victim of something that is torturing us and we look for some way to Rescue ourselves from that pain. Of course, it doesn’t matter what that thing is that removes the pain for us, over time, that thing will end up hurting us. Therefore, we are in pain again, and because we are in pain and can’t see a way out, we once again look for something to medicate it. The process repeats itself over and over again.

Looking for Rescue

When we are in pain and someone offers us a way out, we generally will take it. This is part of my frustration with locking up drug addicts. These people are in pain and desperate for a way out. I recall the case of Karla Faye Tucker, a woman put to death in Texas in 1998. Karla was the daughter of a prostitute drug addict. Her mother had started her on drugs as a young girl and she had, like her mother, learned to use them to keep her pain at bay. When Karla was arrested for her part in a pick-ax murder, she had never been sober that she could recall. Once she was in jail she learned to manage her pain without drugs and became a model prisoner, helping other prisoners deal with life on the inside. The little girl who never knew any other way than drugs to deal with her life until she was in prison was put to death.

The importance of understanding the addiction cycle

In Texas alone (2005) the total of inmates serving time for possession of less than a gram is s: 4,846. The annual cost of incarceration is more than $12,000 per inmate — $59 million a year! The average time spent in prison for possession is 35 months. Then of course, having been convicted of a felon, they are unable to get an apartment, often unable to find work, and forced into a life of crime just to eat and find a way to live. All that money and time served for having possessed less than a gram of an illegal substance.

Now, of course, those of us who choose less illegal forms of addiction can rest on our laurels feeling confident that we are okay. But in fact we are no different than they are; we just chose a different way to manage our pain. Smarter perhaps, but not better for us in the long run. Running to avoid our pain does not make our lives any better than using cocaine to avoid it.

Why is pain so hard to face

Pain is hard to face for many reasons. Our bodies’ recoil at the idea of pain instinctively don’t they? We may have never seen anyone go through it and on a primitive level fear that it will kill us or make us insane. We may have been conditioned out of allowing the feelings up by parents or coaches or a society that tells us pain is bad and wrong. We may have been beaten out of our feelings. There are good reasons for us to carry this false belief about pain.

But all of us can learn to manage pain differently with patience and a lot of care and support from the people who love us. When we learn to do this, it changes everything. We can release the pain, and let ourselves feel not only pain, but joy.

You see, when you block pain, you block all the other feelings, too. Sure, you may have some feelings of enjoyment in your life if you are person who blocks your pain. But to have an experience of being fully alive and feel real joy and pleasure in being alive, you have to let yourself process through whatever pain you are Rescuing yourself from using whatever form of medication you prefer.

What is your addiction?

Do you have an addiction you prefer? Do you think its okay and positive? Or have you experienced the pain and found the pleasure of being alive? Tell me about it. Comment below.

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Can You Think Positive and Have ALL Your Feelings?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 00:09:45 GMT

Thinking Positive

Last week a friend of mine who is a great, positive, upbeat guy, came down with the flu. When ran into him last week I gave him a hug. His cheek burned into mine. I said, “Charlie, you have a 102 fever!” He said “Naw. I’m fine.”

This, of course, is the way we are taught to think positively about illness and not acknowledge that we are ill because doing so will make it reality. This is how anything with the potential to be viewed as “negative” is dealt with in the world of positive thinking. Ignore it and it will go away. Focus only on the positive things that you want and that is what you will get.

I’m a “positive thinker” from way back

Understand, I am a positive thinker from way back, but there are some obvious flaws in this type of thinking. I believe that we should always focus on the positive and use affirmations and picture what we want. This keeps us focused on our goals and helps us realize them.

Rescuing ourselves

But what I have come to recognize is that the practice of ignoring the problems that occur is a way of “rescuing” ourselves from the consequences of our choices. It helps us to keep ourselves from feeling the pain of what has occurred in our past and from feeling the results of our choices. It also prevents us from learning from them and healing them.

This is what we do when we pretend that hurtful things don’t exist or choose not to “dwell on the past”. These are words and practices that help us avoid dealing with the feelings about what has happened.

A lot of people rush to the practices of positive thinking because it will help them continue to avoid feeling pain. It is painful, sometimes, to face the consequences of our choices and to process through the pain of what has happened to us in the past. Our old wounds don’t go away simply because we don’t focus on them, no matter how much we desire it.

The consequences of ignoring wounds

Ignoring our emotional wounds is like continuing to walk on a broken leg, insisting that it’s not broken. Actually, it’s even worse than that, because emotional wounds fester in subversive ways that prevent us from functioning in our lives the way we want. Emotional wounds that are not addressed result in corrupted thinking and distorted emotional responses to others and ourselves. They end up sabotaging our every intentional positive thought. Our unconscious feelings and thoughts always override our conscious ones.

Treasure hunting

Inside every painful emotional wound lies a treasure. Each wound holds a piece of our personal power and our preciousness. Without being willing to open up those wounds and explore their meanings and discover their gifts, we are forced to be a Victim.

Any time someone is wounded they are a “victim” (as in the terms “shot victim”, “bite victim”, “rape victim”, etc.) until these wounds are healed. Carrying around unhealed wounds keeps us stuck in being a Victim.

Ignoring them using “positive thinking” as an excuse to avoid them is using “positive thinking” to become your own Rescuer.

Uncover the pockets of power

Making the choice to work through the wounds allows you to uncover the pockets of power buried there. This works in exactly the same way as the methods proposed by Robert Scheinfeld in “Busting Loose from the Money Game” (available in the Unity Book Store). In this book, Scheinfeld encourages readers to expand upon feelings as they come up and to deeply explore what the feelings are all about before letting them go. In doing this, he claims, you unlock the power to have everything you want in your life.

Unlock your full potential by allowing yourself to have full access to all the power hidden inside your wounds. Change everything by no longer hiding from the power you hold back by being your own Rescuer.

What do you think, am I crazy?

Can feelings really hold the power to your unconscious will? Can you really discover the secret to having everything you want by simply allowing yourself to process through your unprocessed wounds? Or have I gone off my rocker? Tell me what you think. Comment below!

The Spitzer Blame Game

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 20:26:24 GMT

Eliot Spitzer’s Choices

Ashley Alexandra Dupre is only now 22. Overnight she has become as famous as Monica Lewinski, but much prettier and less seedy. Her now media frenzied experience with former governor Eliot Spitzer has gained her worldwide attention and undoubtedly removed her from ever having to touch another man for money.

Good guys and bad guys

We love good guys and bad guys don’t we? Is Eliot Spitzer a bad guy because he solicited sex from a young beauty? His wife is probably pretty upset, but why the rest of us should care what he did in the privacy of his own home in a situation of consensual sex is beyond my comprehension. I can even understand why those who voted for him based on his professed morals might be angry with him; but did he do anything to betray his trust as governor? Did he do anything as awful as have sex with someone he had authority over (like a intern)? No. He didn’t and he didn’t lie about it. He didn’t take state funds to do it. I don’t see how this makes him culpable. Oh, except that it is against the law to solicit sex. Wait, he didn’t solicit; he bought. I guess that’s illegal, too.

But for the life of me I don’t understand why.

The results of abuse

Ms Dupre is neither a victim nor the perpetrator in this scandal. She was doing her job. Now, personally, I believe anyone participating in this profession has an untreated condition. She even admits this is the case, so in some ways, she is a victim. She was, at least, as a child. When she was (if you believe her, and I do) molested as a child. From my experience, her later vocations are consistent with those of someone who is an untreated survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

Unfortunately, when things come out in the media as they often do, it looks like she is using this as an excuse. Though I have not heard anything to say that she feels she needs one. She is happy with who she is, she says, and has no shame about her behavior. I don’t think this is likely to be 100% true, but only time will tell.

Dr. Laura’s take

Then of course, Dr. Laura blamed Eliot Spitzer’s wife for the problem, saying that if she had been taking care of him at home this wouldn’t have happened. Everyone has someone they blame. The public blames Eliot Spitzer himself, though undoubtedly there are plenty that blame Ms Dupre as well. Blame doesn’t really explain what happened or provide us with understanding of the events. All blame does is incite people to take action against the perceived object of it’s focus. We blame Eliot Spitzer so we force him to resign and throw legal charges at him. We blame Ms Dupre and she faces charges herself. Oh, but then we have to blame Mrs. Spitzer, too. The public feels satisfied that all is right with the world.

Underlying dynamics

Taking a closer look at the dynamics underlying the triangle expose a different picture. Like many fundamentalist Christian’s (and politicians) he is forced into a box. If he is unhappy in his marriage he cannot act in his own best interest if he is to maintain his standing in the Christian community or in the public eye. Divorce marks you as a failure. What if you are not getting your intimacy needs met? What are your options? Hiring an escort seems less appalling than soliciting from a bathroom stall. But either way you have more of a chance of getting what you need than if you do nothing.

I don’t believe Mrs. Spitzer is to blame for what her husband chose to do. But I do believe she had some responsibility in it, the same as any woman whose husband strays. Their marital relationship was missing something. I’m not saying that is her fault; any more than it is his. I am saying that they both had equal responsibility in seeing to I that those issues are addressed.

But of course if you are supposed to be flawless (as a person in the public eye is believed to have to be) that makes it difficult to receive the help you need doesn’t it?

Ms Dupre’s only complicity is that she found a way to use the value she was taught she had as a child. Her perpetrator (whoever that was) taught that her value was as a sexual object. She enjoyed feeling special and valuable to men because she never really got a sense that she was the brilliant beautiful person she is because of her abuse. She chose to stay in the Victim role instead of getting help. Look at her hand, thee is an "X" mark on it. That's gang sign. It means she has been involved in someone's death. The girl has not had an easy life and the "Escort" service was undoubtedly the best thing that ever happened to her.

Compassion changes everything

It changes everything when you stop looking for blame and look for a compassionate answer to what happens. Discovering compassion as an alternative to the punitive response our media feeds on allows us to create a whole new way of looking at the world.

What do you think?

Is Eliot Spitzer a vile betrayer of our trust who should be punished or something else? Comment below.

Potty Training Parents

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 14:52:48 GMT

Who is in Potty Training School?

Parents who need a potty training school have forgotten (or never known) the most essential aspect of being a parent: respect. In our culture (as in many cultures) the idea of children having their own mind from day one is unthinkable. But asKahlil Gibran says “You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls”.

When we attempt to force our way of doing things on to them, we are setting ourselves up for a battle. I used to laugh when people would talk about “potty training” their child at the age of nine months. It’s not the child being trained at that age: it’s the parent!

Power Battles

But one sure way to engage in a battle with your child is when you try to “make” them do something. We may have more authority than kids but they have more power over themselves than we ever will. What’s more, it is so disrespectful of their own human will to try to force them into any particular behavior.

We can of course, terrorize them into doing what we want them to occasionally. Being a bully parent, puffing ourselves up by intimidating our children into doing what we want them to can be satisfying to our need for a sense of control. But all that does is create children who are afraid of us. Is that what we really want? I know that is never what I wanted. I once worked with a young girl who ducked every time I made a large gesture with my arms. Her mother had been such a bully to her she had created a very fearful child.

Using Force

I know most parents using physical force to control their children are not consciously attempting to bully their children, but that is the end result. What we are doing when we are in this mode is trying to regain a sense of equilibrium. We are desperately trying to regain a sense of having control in our lives. When my kids were in elementary and junior high school I was working too much and having a hard time, a single mom, getting control of the condition of my home. On days when I was struggling financially, or personally with feeling out of control, the condition of my house would overwhelm me and in an attempt to regain a sense of control I’d start yelling at my girls. Sometimes they would give me temporary appeasement for my tirades, but overall it did nothing to change the general mess of my home.

Our need for control

Having a child in diapers is a lot of work, and if the child is showing little or no interest in potty training we can begin to feel out of control. For most of us feeling out of control triggers a sense of threat and we feel desperate to regain control. And, of course, society tells us we “should” have our kids potty trained at a certain age. So we respond to this need to regain control by trying to “make” our child do what we want. We might do this by coaxing, rewarding, bribing, or threatening; but it all has the same effect. It makes our child more determined to do things in their own way. Ever tried to get a child to give up a pacifier? A bottle? A blanket? Not going to happen.

Getting stuck in the Rescuer-Self-Protector-Victim Cycle

But why should we “make” them? When we try to force our agenda on a child all we do is make them angry or take away their sense of self. We force them into a Victim role with our attempts to Rescue (manipulating them to do what we want) or Self-Protecting (physically forcing them). The only choice they have, then, is to respond either as a Rescuer themselves (giving up their own needs for independence by giving into your manipulations) or becoming a Self-Protector and stubbornly fighting back.

The importance of a sense of self

Whether our attempts at control work or not does not indicate we have done the right thing. Is the right thing if our child loses a sense of them self in the process?

When a child does not believe they have the right to express who they are and what they need to a adult they are much more likely to allow an adult to manipulate and abuse them in the form of sexual abuse, for example. Believing they have no right to expressing themselves can lead them to think it is okay for other children to take advantage of them. It can create a child so dependent on the approval of others that they are unable to decide what they want or need for themselves. Is this what we want for our kids?

Change everything

Giving our children respect by not manipulating or forcing them to our will teaches them to respect others. When we disrespect them, they will disrespect us. My oldest daughter was a handful and she often had teachers (and a one stepfather) who would attempt to force or manipulate her to do what they wanted her to do. She is now 27, this past Christmas I asked her why she listened to me and wouldn’t listen to them. Her answer was clear: “I had no respect for them”. Then I asked her why she didn’t have respect for them. Her answer: “They didn’t respect me!” Now, doesn’t that change everything?

Potty training misnomer

To begin with, “potty training” is a misnomer. How can we “train” a child to do something they will do naturally as long as we don’t interfere with the process. Kids want to be like the adults around them. They copy everything we do. If we don’t try to “make” them do it; they will just naturally imitate us. I’ve personally seen this happen with four children I’ve raised or helped raise. The key to “potty training” is to stay out of the way. It really is that simple.

A Caveat

Children who begin having “accidents” after displaying the ability to manage their bathroom skills are having some kind of emotional or physical problem. Sometimes it is something as simple as the child is not getting enough attention. Sometimes it is something more sinister like sexual abuse. Other times it is something physical causing the problem. Treating the child as though they were being “willful” by having accidents is inappropriate and possibly abusive to the child. If your child is having this problem; consult a physician and then a psychologist if the doctor can find no physical problems.

You’re not the boss of me!

What do you think? Should your child be allowed to express his or her own views and needs even when they are inconvenient to us? Aren’t’ we supposed to be the authority in our own home? Tell me what you think. Comment below.

The Problems of Our New Vets by Melody Brooke, Author, Conflict Coach

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 15:49:37 GMT

Effects of War

I am a child of the 60’s – well 70’s really – but who’s counting? In 1969 I remember wearing black armbands, holding candles up and singing, “All we are saying is: Give Peace a Chance” over and over and over again. I was 14 years old and it made a lasting impression.

I was there when Jane Fonda went to North Vietnam. I was there when she apologized. I was there to read all the stories of the way vets were treated and how it affected them. I also was there, in 1973, just as the war was ending dating a Marine who could think of nothing except that he would not get to go kill commies.

The treatment of our Veterans

On Saturday I spoke with a decorated WWII veteran who spoke about the orrible mistreatment of the Vietnam vets by the public when they returned home. He couldn’t understand how they were treated.

Personally, I would have never taken part in the abuse of returning vets. My parents had a friend from their high school who was a Green Beret and was the only Green Beret to every claim Conscientious Objector status after being trained and deployed. He won.

The problems of our returning Veterans today

Today Soldiers return home to another problem. According to the report on CNN this morning Iraq Vets face being told they are a hero when they return home and feeling like they have something wrong with them.

Hero’s are not supposed to have problems. Yet, Iraq, like every war before sends soldiers home with PTSD. So now, the lesson learned from Vietnam, we honor our soldiers as heroes and leave them feeling ashamed because of the pain they carry.

We owe their shame, in a large part to the way our Military has responded to the huge and sudden influx of PTSD sufferers returning home from Iraq. But of course, they also suffer because so many of us believe the war in Iraq to have been unnecessary. Did they fight, die, lose friends, and get injured for nothing?

Heroes in an unnecessary war?

The confusing thing is: How can we have heroes returning from a war that shouldn’t have been fought?

Of course, it’s not their fault they went. They did what they thought was right. Often they were called up without ever expecting to go to war. National Guardsmen and Reserves during peacetime look at their service as a way to spend weekends playing army and to pay for their college. They never expect to have to fight. One day they are a clerk at a grocery store, the next they are a soldier. One day there are a physician, the next they are a soldier.

Returning from any war is hard, but returning from a controversial one has got to be hell. Many of their parents feel the war to have been wrong.

War is about Blame and Bad Guys

When we go to war we go because we are convinced someone is a “Bad Guy”. Our stories of WWII are about the ultimate “Bad Guy”: Hitler himself. George W. Bush made every effort (fact and fiction) to make Suddam Hussain out to be another Hitler. We had our “Bad Guy”. George was our “Rescuer”, he was going to help us retaliate against the “evildoers” and the “axis of evil”. Many of us rallied behind our “hero” against the horrid “Bad Guy”.

Of course, now we know that much of the trumped up information was just to justify George’s War. Now, most of our population view George as the “Bad Guy”.

How we see our Vets

After Vietnam we at first blamed the Vets for participating in a war we felt was unconscionable, then we realized our mistake in blaming them for doing what they were called to do, and viewed them as the Victims. Now, while we tell ourselves we are treating our vets differently as they return, and in fact we are, the result is the same. We see them as Victims of an unnecessary war.

Now, as is natural in what I call the Cycle of Egocentrism (read my book to understand this more fully), we look for another Rescuer. Since George W. Bush is the “Bad Guy” we are looking for a “Good Guy”. Naturally, that would be either Hilary Clinton or Barrack Obama… it could be McCain (though I doubt many see him this way).

I look forward to the day when we have more wisdom. I look forward to the day when people realize that staying in the world of “Good Guys”, “Bad Guys” and “Victims” keeps us trapped in a cycle from which there is no escape. I look forward to a world in which Compassion rules our choices instead of Egocentrism. Now, that really would change everything.

How are you affected by the war?

Did you support it? How do you feel about it now? Do you have family affected by the war? Comment below.

Pharmaceuticals Polluting Our Water? By Melody Brooke, Author, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 15:03:00 GMT

Drugs in our Drinking Water?

The big report today is about the trace amounts of pharmaceuticals found in our drinking water. Wow, this is a huge thing. Now, we don't know, of course, because we don't have long term studies, what the result of this will be on our bodies over time. Perhaps the effects will be negligible. But what if that is the explanation for the increased number of people with multiple chemical sensitivities?

Children are of course the most susceptible to small amounts of drugs. Their little bodies can be very sensitive to even small amounts of medications. But even adults can be highly reactive to particular medications. Myself, I have reactions to things that other people don't.

What does this mean?

Well, personally, I've been drinking only distilled bottled water for years. I even cook in it. Yet, in fact, do I know that the pharmaceuticals have been removed from them? No, of course I don't! Filtration systems are not set to filter out drugs, only impurities.

What is the real source of this?

In my own, very biased opinion, this problem is a direct result of our over medicated culture. We look to drugs as our cultural "Rescuer". Our Doctors are of course our ultimate "Rescuer", but only if the Doctor prescribes a medication for us. Ever been to the doctor's office and he didn't prescribe something for you. You sort of feel like you've been ripped off don't you?

In our culture we tend to focus on what can get us our of our pain as quickly as possible. Drugs are our "Rescuer" to get us out of our pain. The number of people on anti-depressants is scary. Yet, there have been multiple studies done proving that other response to depression work as well or better with long lasting results that outlast the treatments, unlike drugs.

Psychotherapy, massage, and exercise are but a few of the interventions research has found to be as effective or more effective than medications. Yet we want the quick fix don't we? We want something to "Rescue" us from our pain.

A friend of mine started therapy years ago with, well, my own therapist. My friend began to tap into tremendous amounts of grief that he just couldn't let himself process. His pain turned into a clogged up sinus. The infection got so bad his face was swollen like a Neanderthal. I've never seen anything like it. But rather than let himself process his grief, he got on antibiotics and cursed his therapist. He never did process the pain, choosing instead to use gambling to medicate his grief.

What is our alternative?

Our bodies and our spirit knows we need to process the feelings buried inside us. If we don't it results in all kinds of physical and emotional illness. I'm not alone in making this wide-sweeping statement. Depok Chopra, Marianne Williamson, Bernie Segal - just to name a few other brilliant observers- all conclude the same thing.

Rescuing is not a viable option

When we seek rescue from our pain we block ourselves from full wellness. We set ourselves up for other ailments and difficulties. Running from the pain only exacerbates it. Staying tuned in to the pain wont kill you. I promise you it won't. Avoiding it may.

Avoiding pain at all costs

Having worked with clients suffering from tremendous pain over the years I've never seen the pain kill someone. I have, however, seen avoiding the pain kill people. Keeping the pain locked in at all costs sets our bodies up for failure. Plus, of course, there are those who would choose suicide rather than feel the feelings. I don't really blame them, it is often really difficult to let ourselves process the backlog of pain.

But I do grieve for them. The pain is temporary. It really is. Once we allow the free flow of our emotions the emotions pass. Emotions are really "energy in motion" (at least that is what I was taught). When the energy is allowed to flow on through us, then it's out and over with. But we fear the process and we block it.

The sad part is that once the pain has washed through us we are then able to freely allow in the other feelings; joy, spontaneity, love, playfulness, compassion. That really does change everything.

Are you able to let yourself process pain?

Some of you, I'm sure, think this is nonsense. Please feel free to let me know what you think. I'm sure some of you have found drugs to be your answer to prayer. I have, certainly, at times. Let me know what you think. Comment below.

England's Child Abuse Horror by Melody Brooke, Author, Conflict Coach

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 15:10:48 GMT

Horror's in Jersey, England

Since 1867 there has been a children's home in England reported to have been a haven for pedophiles and a hell for children. Over a hundred years of it's history at least some of that time children were raped, tortured and beaten. Many of the survivors are still alive today and report the after effects of living with that kind of trauma. Some did not survive and ended up killing themselves. They have found evidence of murders as well as torture and sexual abuse.

These are the stories of real live human beings, who as innocent children suffered things no one should have to endure. There are stories of these things happening all over the world, at various times and places, and seldom are they verified in the end. It is a rare thing for the evidence to be coming out in such a way as to actually validate the survivors reports.

Does this happen in the U.S.?

In the US we tend to find ways to sweep the incidents under the rug, so to speak. Most of the time when there is a report of systemized abuse of children the report is in the news with much sensationalism. The facts seem irrevocable. Then, over time the facts, the evidence slowly erode into nothing. The evidence disappears, the witnesses suddenly become unavailable for comment or retract their earlier statements. The False Memory people are smug.

The results

Then the adults show up in therapy suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), depression, suicidality, extreme anxiety, drug and alcohol abuse, DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), obsessive compulsive disorder, borderline personality disorder, self-abuse, and psychotic breaks. Some therapists don't believe their stories and the sufferer feels like a "liar". Some are put on anti-psychotics and treated as if they were Scizophrenic. Some are put on Lithium and treated for Bipolar Disorder. A rare few get taken seriously and treated for their pain.

Survivor -ism

During the '90's there was a huge wave of sexual abuse survivors coming out and confronting their parents and other perpetrators in the media and in courtrooms. Their justifiable rage aimed at their perpetrators resulted in accusations, charges being filed, and arrests being made. The "bad guys" were called on the carpet and an adversarial situation, fed by the media, was perpetuated. This began a backlash resulting in the organization of The False Memory Syndrome Foundation. The accused took back their power by organizing, hiring lawyers and accusing the accusers of lying, and being manipulated into believing they were abused by "well meaning" therapists. Now, few people will dare risk coming out in the open to accuse their perpetrators.

Here is the rub.

People treat other people the way they were treated. When these things occur, and they do occur, it is because the abusers were themselves abused. Treating them as criminals instead of recognizing their wounding sets up an adversarial condition not conducive to healing.

After years of working with DID clients, I have come to the conclusion that most abuse happens in the form of a dissociative episode. The abusers own splitting creates more splitting in the effects of their abuse on the child they have abused. The abuse is then perpetuated on and on if no one ever recognizes what is happening.

Good-guys versus bad-guys

Putting the abusers in jail without treatment doesn't help the abused. They feel guilty because they know the person in jail is just like them. Now, I am not saying society doesn't need to be protected from people known to be abusers. But I am saying we must begin to treat them as wounded human beings deserving of our help.

Our cultural response to bad things happening is to find someone to blame. When we discover who is to blame, we punish them. This sets us up to live in a split world, one in which black and white never meet and the good-guys and bad-guys are well defined. Unfortunately this perpetuates the cycle of abuse and ignores reality.

It's not so simple

In reality we all have good parts of us and not so good parts of us. When we have been abused and deny it's reality, we have to split off this part of our awareness into a dissociated part of our brain. This part of us needs to heal so it pushes its way out in the form of repeating the trauma in some way or another. We either do it to others or put ourselves in situations where it will be done to us again.

Setting ourselves up as Victims or Perpetrators of the abuse allows us to continue to work out the trauma. It's our brain's attempt to heal. Unfortunately, without treatment, it also perpetuates the abuse cycle.

Staying stuck in the Victim/Perpetrator/Rescuer cycle prevents healing and sets us up for more trauma. Recognizing that we are all at once all of these things,and moving out of the adversarial positions of good-guy versus bad-guy gives us a chance to change and heal. This really changes everything./p>

Let me know what you think.

I know I've gone on longer than you were perhaps prepared to read. I know you must have some opinions. I'd love to hear them. Comment below.

Domestic Violence and Men by Melody Brooke, Conflict Coach, Counselor, Motivational Speaker

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 01:02:08 GMT

Colorado Snowfall

Anyone notice I’ve been gone for a week? I didn’t really intend to be silent this whole time, but technology failed me. The resort in Colorado didn’t have an effective wireless network, leaving us unconnected to the world wide web for the past week.

And, to be honest, we kept ourselves pretty busy. We drove in late Saturday night the 23^rd. It might not have been so late but our tires did not get along with the road. They didn’t want to move on the ice. Fortunately, in spite of having forgotten many other needed items, we did remember to bring the tire chains. Between the road conditions and the lack of visibility, we were able to reach the astounding speed of 15mph driving through what is known as “Rabbit Ears Pass” into Steamboat Springs. A 90 mile trek that took us nearly 5 hours.

Getting in at 2:30am did not stop us from skiing the next day or going out dancing to Peter Harper. We got up and did it again the next day (even the dancing). We did take a day off, to rest. Then we hit it again Thursday skiing blacks all day until the lifts closed. Friday we got up and checked out other ski towns: Vail and Copper Mountain, then drove down to Denver to my daughter’s in-laws home for the night.

But on Thursday night while sitting in the hot-tub after skiing, Mike and I started talking about some of the subjects that are soap-boxes for us. If I could have blogged right then I would have.

My soapbox

I have an unusual take on intimate violence. It’s unusual because I don’t think in terms of “abuse”. When you use the word “abuse” you absolve the “abused” from any responsibility for what has occurred. Now, don’t get riled up; I know there are plenty of people out there suffering in ongoing violent relationships where one partner is the persistent perpetrator. I don’t deny this obvious fact. I just believe things are not always what they appear.

Men and violence

Men involved in violent relationships are almost always assumed to be the perpetrator. They are almost 100 % of the time the one arrested and put on trial. The woman is given shelter, counseling and support. The man is locked up, forced into “anger management” groups and put on trial, costing them thousands and thousands of dollars. When there is a call made to the police in a domestic violence incident, the police are often required to make an arrest and almost 100 % of the time it’s the man arrested. It makes no difference what the specifics happen to be. Simply being a male means that if there is violence in the relationship you are the abuser. Men are assumed to have more power simply by the nature of their sex. Apparently there are no other criteria for abuse.

Don’t men need shelter, too?

Men are laughed at if they seek shelter from an abusive partner. Throughout the country there are millions of dollars poured in to domestic abuse shelters; less than 1% of those shelters accept men into their protective doors.

Men’s physical strength

Don’t misunderstand. I have witnessed the colossal cost of a man beating up on a woman’s face, ribs, legs, arms and internal organs. Men have more upper body strength, as a rule, and can do far more damage with a single blow than a woman can (generally speaking). But here is the rub.

What is a man supposed to do if a woman abuses him? Leaving might be an option, but what if he is concerned about the welfare of his children? What if he is not in a position of financial stability and cannot financially make it and pay child support? Isn’t he trapped as effectively as a woman needing a man’s money to support her and her kids?

Who is the perpetrator?

As a culture we view men as perpetrators and women as the victims. But in my experience working with survivors of childhood and domestic violence, men and women are equally capable of and culpable for the violence in our homes.

I’ve hears stores of men’s private parts being pulled, their children being kidnapped from them, being barraged with hours of verbal attacks, men being scratched, kicked, hit repeatedly on their faces and their hair being pulled. When the man finally breaks and his rage overcomes him, he’s arrested as the abuser.

Keeping ourselves in the victim role

Choosing to ignore women’s culpability actually keeps women stuck in the role of “the victim”. When we are incapable of experiencing ourselves as empowered human beings, equal partners in both the functioning and dysfunction of our relationships we fail to embrace our power. Women are equally capable of perpetuating violence in a relationship, as are men. We are not merely “victims’ of the “evil male species”.

Equal partners: equal power

Until we can own our power as equal partners both in the violence and in the resolution to the violence we fail to shift into real empowerment.

This is not a case of the “battle of the sexes’. It is a battle for compassion. It is a battle for our own power. Neither men nor women can claim their power by remaining stuck in the victim role. In order to stand toe to toe as partners, and as lovers, we must own that we are equally responsible for the violence that occurs in our relationships.

This doesn’t mean we are to BLAME.

It does mean we have the ability to do something about it. Now, this really does change everything doesn’t it?:

What about you?

Are you in a violent relationship? Have you been in a violent relationship? What happened? Do you think you are a victim and that you had no power? Let me hear about it! Comment below.

If it Were Only So Simple, Martha Beck! by Melody Brooke, Conflict Coach, Motivational Spaker

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 16:20:56 GMT

Heartbreak Academy 101

Today’s Oprah article, Lessons from 'Heartbreak Academy by Martha Beck was on the homepage of CNN this morning. I can find no argument in anything she says. In fact she is right on about our loneliness not coming from our lack of having a partner, but from something inside of us alienating us from other people.
As a young woman I was always lonely, whether I was married or not. I did not have a clue how to connect with anyone, least of all myself.

Indeed we do have to learn a lot of lessons from our heartbreak if we are to have any hope of getting out of the interminable loneliness that we often suffer from. I also agree that the source of that loneliness is a childhood or adolescence trauma or loss. That event, whatever it was, led us to distance ourselves not only from other people, but also from ourselves. It left us fearful of the feelings we hold inside, because at the time we experienced them we could not process them fully. We were to immature developmentally to intellectually be able to work through the impact. So what we do is to separate ourselves from the feelings and sometimes even the memories of the things that stumped us. This leaves us alienated from ourselves, and of course, others.

What is wrong with us?

It also leaves us feeling that there is something wrong with us. Children traumatized in whatever way, always feel “bad”, the “bad” feeling is pain from the losses that occurred, but no one tells the child this crucial piece of information. The child internalizes that “bad” feeling; they think THEY are bad. So then we carry this sense that we are bad forward into our lives and our relationships.

“Positive Thinking”?

Telling ourselves this isn’t true seldom has any impact if it is just words like: “I'm fascinating, I'm beautiful, I'm funny, I'm important,” as Martha suggests. These words have to accompany a feeling of empathy for the child that we were at the time of the loss or trauma. We have to have a logical understanding that we were not really as bad as we feel we are. We have to then offer the child part of us the love and reassurance that the adults in our lives didn’t offer for whatever reason. This allows us then to extend empathy toward the little child part of us that is in so much pain.

The keys are this:

Logically know that a child is cannot really be responsible for the things that happen around them and
Give the child empathy for the fact that you were a victim at that time.

Our capacity for Love

When we can do this for the child part of it opens up our capacity to love ourselves freely without reservation. That doesn’t mean that we are blind to our flaws, it does mean we are able to own what we do that is not so perfect along with what we do that’s great. It means we respect what we had to do in order to grow up even with the tragedies and losses we suffered.

What’s the real problem here?

Of course the real problem with doing what either Martha or I suggest is this: in order to grieve the losses and process the trauma’s – we have to know what they are. Most of us have pieces of our lives that we have repressed, suppressed or dissociated from our awareness. So then we carry pain we don’t understand. We tell ourselves, “I have nothing to feel bad about.” One thing can be certain: if you have had repeated failures at intimate connection you have a history of some type of trauma or loss you have not processed. The inability to become intimate with another person is a clear sign of having unprocessed grief or trauma from your past. It changes everything when you go to the source of the problem and stop trying to medicate it with fixes, like "the right relationship."

What about you?

"Not the Steven I Knew" by Melody Brooke, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 16:16:40 GMT

Not a Villain?

Steven Kazmierczak’s girlfriend, Jessica Baty, said, “That’s not the Steven I knew”. She goes on to describe him as a gentle, kind man who was estranged from his family. She said he had been sent to a “group home” as a teen because he was depressed, and he medication he had been on was Prosac. Clearly, there is more to this story than can be deduced from the actions on that fateful day.

Split personalities or Prosaic’s bad side

Listening to what went on with this young man certainly makes him sound like he could have been DID (Dissociatve Identity Disorder). Jessica Baty reported that Kazmierczak could not recall his childhood and that his parents thought he was “unruly” and sent him away. Depressed and “unruly” both could describe someone beginning to display DID symptoms, and the fact that he could not recall his childhood suggests that he must have had some psychic splitting going on. He also had "obsessive compulsive" tendencies according to Jessica, also a sign of DID.

On the other hand, Prosac has strange and unpredictable side effects. As a counselor I have worked with kids and adults prescribed Prosac and other “SSRI”’s (Selective Seratonin Re-uptake Inhibitors). How SSRI’s work is not fully understood and the side effects for some people include anxiety, aggression and violence. Stopping suddenly can worsen these effects. Steven had stopped taking the drug and, from what it sounds like, without the help of a medical professional.

What and be learned?

We’ll never know what was really going on inside Steven’s head, but we have enough clues to know that Jessica Baty was correct. He was a victim, too, just like the others February 14, 2008 at NIU.

When we are shut off from our “shadow” side, the part of us that we want to deny or not accept, it leaves us prone to this kind of splitting. Knowing that ALL of us have sides of ourselves that we don’t like, that are not in congruence with our values and beliefs can help us to confront them and learn from them.

All of us have “Victim”, “Villains” and “Rescuers” inside of us; it’s in our DNA. We are pre-programmed to have these ways of responding to our world and to a sense of threat. Recognizing this can help us to face the unappealing truths about ourselves and, perhaps, keep us from reacting in aggressive, or even, violent ways. This changes everything.

Maybe we can also be more thoughtful and less prone to try to solve everything with a pill, too.

What about you?

How well do you know your own “shadow side”? Have you explored the parts of you that you dislike or reject? Do you think I am making excuses for a monster? Tell me what you think. Comment below.

Split Illinois Shooter by Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, Author, Conflict Coach

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 16:17:20 GMT

Kazmierczak Dissociatve?
The details about this man who shot 20 people and left 7 dead are beginning to unravel. This mornings AP article talked about the contradictions in his behavior. They sound, in my experience, very much like those of a Dissociative Identity Disordered individual.
Evidence?
Kazmierczak was hospitalized in the past, for what condition we don't know. One of the issues he dealt with is that he didn't like staying on his meds. Many DID clients are mistakenly given anti-psychotic medications which cause them side effects and are inneffective in managing symptoms. Voices that come from being split into alter personalities cannot be silenced by drugs.
Another issue he struggled with was self harm, a common symptom of DID. Reportedly he was a "cutter" (someon who cuts themselves). "Cutters" do this in an effort to manage internal pain. Our bodies release endorphins when we are injured and these endorphins coursing through our system relieve pain in much the same way opiates do. This is one of the reason's it is so difficult to stop "cutters" from cutting. It becomes quite addictive.
Kazmierczak's pain
Most of the people who knew him had little to say about him that sounded like he was suffering in any way. They saw him as a nice guy, though some suggested he struggled with intimacy problems. He had a girlfriend who reports say he sometimes engaged in physical altercations with, though it never involved hitting. He would physically restrain her during arguments.
The night befoe the shootings he talked with his uncle making plans for playing a game of chess with him. None of this sounds like someone in psychological distress. Though there are reports of his possibly haven broken up with his girlfriend.
What could have happened to him?
It's doubtful that we will ever know what happened to him to have created the kind of turmoil he was clearly experiencing. Family's of these type of perpetrators rarely admit to having knowledge of their having been abused in any way. Why would they want to acknowledge what they might have done to contribute to these people's horrific behaviors?
Cho Seung-hui, the gunman who killed 32 students at West Virginia Tech, had sent many more clues as to his misery. He was reportedly on anti-psychotics and also had been hospitalized for mental illness in the past. But his writings certainly indicated trauma history. He wrote repeatedly suggestive statements of his having been sexually abused, and his intense anger about it. Could he have been split, too? It's not so clear with him since his behavior was more consistent with the profile of someone who would do this sort of thing. But he was certainly suffering from some kind of traumatic history.
Traumatic splitting
Traumatic splitting occurs, generally in childhood, when a person is subjected to some kind of traumatic incident that is overwhelming to the child. While the trauma is happening the child energetically leaves their body, looking down on themselves as if from above. They then look at the child being traumatized as being separate from them, as if it were happening to someone else. This kind of splitting, when it occurs frequently enough, becomes DID. At least, that is one of the paths to the disorder.

The faces of evil or the faces of pain?
Looking at these facese is spooky, perhaps because we know what happened to the person behind those eyes. But even without having known what these men did, we could easily see that something is missing in their eyes. Could it be dissociation? Could these hollow expressions carry the blankness of one's mind being split so completely as to carry out such horrific behaviors? Let me know what you think when you see these faces. Could this kind of pain be behind the attacks? Comment below.

Patty Hearst Wins at Westminster! by Melody Brooke, Conflict Coach, Speaker, Author

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 15:51:30 GMT

You Go Girl!

Patty Hearst has had injustice done to her that was tragic. First by being kidnapped by terrorist organization (one that supposedly had ties to the religious cult 'Synanon"), then by a justice system that ignored her trauma. Fortunately President Carter, and then President Clinton released her from her sentence.

She was held, not just as a prisoner, but as a torture and brainwashing victim. They kept he in a closet, denied her food, drugged her, beat her and terrorized her. Then they began calling her a name they made up for her. Who knows what else they did to her. Eventually they managed to split her identity and she accepted the name and persona of "Tanya". At that point her torture and brainwashing stopped, but the very real threat of her going back into the closet was constant.

That any court could not see what had happened to her as being a psychological trauma over which she had no control, was handing out injustice.

Patty now

Today, it was announced that she was a won a top prize at the famous Westminster dog show with her little french bulldog. Its a long way from "Tanya". Patty has also acted in a number of productions from film to television in the past several years. Her life has obviously turned around since the horror. One can only assume she got the help she needed. Good for her.

The splitting that results from abuse

In my practice I have had clients whom grew up in this cult. Synanon practiced and got quit expert at mind control tactics. They are reported to have learned how to shock, beat, humiliate, isolate and rape its members into complete acquiescence to their ends. Their leader was a power crazed psychotic that was eventually murdered by a former cult member. Reportedly, hundreds, perhaps thousands of people were indoctrinated in this way by their bizarre and cruel tactics.

How was Patty identified to be used in this way?

Perhaps it was desire for funding from Randolph Hearst, perhaps it was merely opportune. We'll never know. But what my experience with it's victims has taught me is that they knew quite well how to psychologically split personalities and to use those split off parts to their own ends.

Patty was not their only victim, just the most notorious.

When children are subjected to traumatic, horrifying experiences their minds naturally reject what is happening to them. While the event is so horrific it cannot be fully denied, it can be rejected as theirs. The child looks at what is happening and says to themselves something like "Oh, look at that poor little kid over there. What an awful thing."

Surviving at any cost

This splitting themselves apart from the experience allows them to psychologically survive the event. Many of us have experienced a few events that we experienced as traumatic, and we split off the experience, but because we did not continue to experience repeated traumas of a similar kind, we did not form separate personalities to deal with it. We may have split it off if it was foreign enough, or outside of our known family history (say a child molested by a neighbor and the family never knew). Or, if the event was a part of our family history but no one ever talked about it (say a parent had a mental breakdown and became self abusive in front of the child, but then received treatment and it never happened again), we may have split off the experience. Other traumas like our parents beating all the kids and all the kids knew and talked about it might not be split off, unless it went beyond beatings into repeated torture.

Understanding how DID happens

Okay I'll bet you've had TMI at this point, (too much information). These are the stories of what happens to sufferers of Dissociative Identity Disorder. They have had a series of horrific events happen to them (of course sometimes it can develop from an overly imaginative child left alone too long). But I give you this information to help you understand how DID happens to most sufferers.

My heart goes out to Herschel Walker, and perhaps Britney Spears, who knows what they have been through, too.

We all have "parts"

While we don't all have DID, we do all have separate ego states that we go in to under certain circumstances. When we feel threatened, overwhelmed or out of control we will move into certain behavioral sets that dictate our behavior and our choices. If we are DID we simply split off into a different identity.

Making the choice to respond differently to those feelings is not always so easy. In our culture we are taught to medicate our pain and fear with whatever method we can find. Some of us choose drugs and alcohol, others food, sex, work or exercise. We become our own Rescuer, doing whatever we can to stop the fear and pain. Of course we end up being a Victim of our own attempts to stop it don't we? We hurt ourselves and the people around us when we do it. Yet it is a accepted part of our culture.

< But,we can change EVERYTHING when we do things differently.

How about you?

How do you handle it when you feel threatened, overwhelmed or out of control? Do you know anyone medicating their pain? Someone with apparently split off parts of themselves? Comment below and let me know what you think.

My Article on Helium.com by Melody Brooke, Conflict Coach, Author, Speaker

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 21:53:19 GMT

Short entry this afternoon, just to let you all know to got to: Helium.com to read my front page article. It's on the effects of PTSD on returning veterans and how to best help them recover.

Many soldiers returning home suffer from intense post traumatic stress anxiety and often they are going untreated. Read more on Helium.com.

Who is to Blame in this 7 Year Olds Death? by Melody Brooke, Author. Speaker, Relationship Coach

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 02:29:23 GMT

Stepdad Blames Abused Child for her Death

Blame is a deadly thing. It incites our instincts to rail in self protective measures. When we indulge in blame we set up others and ourselves for misery. Our brains are wired to do this, to look to someone else to hold responsible for our misery. ?

Cesar Rodriguez was a young father, with 6 children to feed. Apparently he was having difficulty doing this and was dealing with a vindictive, angry wife (at least that's how he saw it). With six children to care for, a wife who (from his perspective) didn't appreciate him, and little psychological resources, Cesar Rodriguez broke. He held this young, rebellious but innocent, child to blame for his misery.

Or did he? He claims the mother was the girls mother. His lawyer claims the mother, beside herself with blame over the death of her unborn child, blamed the girl for miscarriage and killed the girl herself. The girl had been severely abused prior to her death, both parents had to have been in some way responsible for this.

Blame is the enemy

When blame happens our brains take over; not our thinking brains; our mammalian instinctive brain that executes survival strategies that are often outside our conscious control. Whether it was Cesar Rodriguez or Nixzaliz Santiago (the girls mother) it's clear the girl carried a load of blame that she did not earn, and had no control over.

When we fall into blame, we lose our ability to see things clearly. Our view becomes distorted by our belief in the blame. We fail to see the object of our blame as a human being, we see them as out enemy. Empathy never enters the frame of reference.

This is how these horrid things occur. This is how all acts of violence occur. When there is blame; there is a complete failure of empathy as well. We lose our ability to see how things are from the others position.

How does this happen?

This happens because our brains survival instincts are sometimes so incredibly strong they overpower our thinking brain. Generally, in my experience, the thing that makes these survival instincts overtake us is our own history of trauma. When we have been in situations requiring our instincts to take over as a child, these instincts become very strong. They become so powerful that it takes tremendous strength of will to overcome them.

I know, I've worked with some of the bravest people on the planet. The trauma survivors I have worked with in therapy have had the courage and tenacity to work consciously to overcome their automatic reflexes to move into a survival mode any time they feel threatened.

The rest of us need to be aware of our own survival instincts and how they cause us to blame the people we love and lose touch with who they really are. The price for our relationships is measured in the divorce rate. We may not kill our children; but we kill our marriages. Oh,wow, doesn't this change everything/p>

What needs to change?

The tragedy of a young couple trying to manage caring for 6 children with no community intervention is part of what needs to be changed. We need to be willing to address the problems people have directly. Someone had to have noticed this child's bruises. Why was this not address by Child Protective Services? Where there people in this girls life more concerned with protecting her parents than getting them help?

When we blame the parents for the abuse we are not addressing the problem. Criminalizing abuse is not a good thing. While it has to be stopped, throwing the person into jail doesn't fix the problem. Addressing the needs of the family, educating and providing counseling is the only hope for families like this.

What is to become of the other 5 children? What if the mother was the abuser and they are left with her? One of these other children will be her next blame target.

What do you think?

Should we continue to criminalise child abuse? Should we find a way to intervene and help the family without blame? Comment below, I'd love to hear from you.

My Take on Britney Spears by Melody Brooke, MA, Author, Speaker, Relationship Coach

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:00:44 GMT

Britney Again

I know, like everyone, you are probably tired of hearing about this wayward prima-dona. But I can't resist talking about her again. I don't know what is going on with her care, but I seriously doubt anyone is giving her the king of care she really needs.

The Dark Defiant One

When you look at a phot like this one, you realized the girl has to be in a lot of pain. Look at her eyes. They are dark and defiant. What I see in those eyes is something I call a "Self Protector", a personality that is daring anyone to mess wit her. Then you see a photo like this one:

The Party Girl

This girl is something entirely different. This is a girl who is out to rescue herself from her pain. She is medicating the pain in the role of "Rescuer" to herself. She becomes the "party girl" to medicate the pain underneath.

Finally you just see her as the woeful waif underneath the pain.

The Innocent Waif

Seeing her in these three photos it's clear she has (at least) three separate ways of operating in the world. One as the defiant "Self Protector", second as the "Rescuer" "party girl", third as the "Victim" or injured waif.

Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Of course, we all have these inside us at different times don't we? Britney may be in a far more extreme display of these roles, she may be Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) as she has claimed (and I believe is fully possible). But the rest of us have these roles inside of us, too. We display these characteristics in smaller, more subtle ways, but they are there aren't they?

. Since 1996 I've studied DID from the likes of Dr. Collin Ross and Dr. Jerry Mungadze (he wrote the forward to Herschel Walker's book, "Breaking Free"). What I have learned is that while those suffering from DID have the clearly dissociated walls of alter egos, we all have the same type of separations with in us, as well. Oh, wow, this really changes everything doesn't it? When we see that the rest of us have these three separate ways of functioning in response to certain types of situations; it changes how we view ourselves and others. We just don't have it as distinctly separate as DID's do.

We are not so different

These separate ways of reacting to threat and fear are typical of how our automatic brain functions. Seeing them in Britney in these photos makes me feel even more strongly that she is DID, obviously I can't make that diagnosis since I have never met her, but boy, it sure looks like it from here.

Talk to me

What do you think? Is Britney suffering from DID? Is she just a spoiled brat? If you KNOW Britney personally, I'd particularly like your take. I know there are a lot of conflicting views on this young woman. I'd love to hear from you. Comment below.

Man Stomped Baby to Death a Monster?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 16:54:27 GMT

Monstrous Act

This morning CNN reported that a 21 year old father, Travis Mullis, turned himself in for the murder of his infant son. This was no ordinary murder. This young man, already a father of two (of whom he had relinquished parental rights), stomped in the child's head before throwing him off a bridge.

In 1987 I lost my own son to Sudden Infant Death. He was only two months old. The tragedy of this incident will never leave me, nor will the memory of my precious baby boy. By all reports, the young man had loved this child and not chosen to relinquish rights to this child as he had his other children.

What really happened to this man?

When a person flips in this way and does something this horrendous. This young man was adopted himself, and had a troubled adolescence. He has reportedly claimed to have bipolar disorder, though no evidence of this has yet to be uncovered. Just prior to the tragedy, he told a friend he was desperate to leave his live-in wife (the mother of the baby, Alijah). Then, in a related story, he is being investigated for "enticing a young girl".

What we know about Travis is that he was a troubled person. From the sounds of it, he had few friends, and little ability to connect with anyone. Obviously he had been able to connect with women enough to father some children, but he was completely unprepared to manage any kind of intimate or long term connection with anyone.

The real tragedy

The real tragedy here is not just that Alijah is dead, but that this man never had a chance himself. Who was ever there to care for this boy? Being adopted doesn't, of course, mean that he had no one in his life, yet there is no mention in any of the stories of his parents. I can tell you that if one of my children, (my twins are 22) had been involved in something like this I'd be at their side. The news would not have missed my involvement in my child's life.

Clearly this man had no such support from his adoptive parents. From presumedly an early age, this boy experienced the powerful rejection and abandonment from his birth parents. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not condemning the practice of adoption. But in my clinical experience, adopted children become insecure, anxious adults struggling to understand why they were "not good enough" for their birth parents to have kept them. Open adoptions have helped with this issue as it answers the multiple questions a child has about his birth parents reasons for relinquishing their child.

Travis was in need

Being a "troubled adolescent" indicates that this boy needed help and attention long before this tragedy. Why did no one notice or try to get him help? Where were his adoptive parents? If this boy had gotten what he needed in childhood, he would not have become the world renowned stomping murderer of an infant.

Travis knew he was in trouble but who did he have to turn to? In Texas we offer no real help for people in our public health system. Living in Texas if you have psychological issues you cannot get help through the Mental Health and Mental Retardation centers, because only the "severely mentally ill" can receive services.

Where is our empathy?

Where is our empathy for this young man's tragedy? Obviously, he was hurting desperately about his behavior or he would never have turned himself in to the police. He ran after the incident, undoubtedly in a panic and uncertain as to what to do. But then, over time, he realized he had to turn himself in to the police.

This is a young man who needs help, attention to his own early wounding, and most likely, medication to help his mind begin to get put back together. As a culture, we need to take ownership of our own lacking in our responsiveness to the mentally ill. This man is clearly quite ill, and it's a tragedy that no one helped him even though he had been crying out or help at least since he was a teen.

Not a Villain, just a man

Travis Mullis is a tragic figure to me. What do you think? Is he a monster? Should we be able to find empathy for such horrific acts? Comment below and let me know what you think.

Suicide Rate Up Among Soldiers in 2007

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 01:07:26 GMT

Suicidal Soldiers

The army seems to be paying attention to a new statistic that indicates soldiers are attempting suicide at rate of 5 times a day. Yes, that's right, 5 times a day. The suicide rate among soldiers is increasing the longer we are involved in this military engagement.

Recognizing that traumatic events cause untold damage on the spirits of the sufferer is imperative to understanding and treating the condition. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder causes extricating pain to the soldier and to their families. The impact of their natural response to an overwhelmingly traumatic event continues on in their marriages and among the children of those marriages.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder's Legacy

Violence and abuse to the children of soldiers is part and parcel of the PTSD experience. We cannot afford to ignore the problem of Post Traumatic Stress on the lives of future generations.

So many people want to criminalise wife beaters and child abusers. When we see the immediate impact of trauma on these Vets, perhaps we can re-evaluate the need for this type of position.

What are the implications of this for the rest of us?

It is in our DNA to love and nurture our spouses and our children. If a parent or spouse is behaving differently than this, it would be reasonable to assume that something has gone wrong. Moving into a place of having compassion for how these perpetrators became the abusive "monsters" they are, can perhaps allow us to change how we respond to them.

These soldiers did not go into the war with the intention to become self abusing, wife abusing, child abusing maniacs. Yet this is how they often return. How we as a culture respond to their pain can help us, perhaps, expand how we view ALL of these behaviors from ANYONE.

Stopping the Trauma Cycle

It's not a normal thing to beat a child. If a child is being beaten, odds are, the parent was, too. When we can begin by addressing the trauma cycle and not by criminalizing, then perhaps we can stop the cycle altogether.

Can we really view a child abuser with empathy?

What do you think? What is your gut reaction to the idea that perpetrators need our empathy as much as the victims? Do you understand the tie I am making with returning Vets and other parents that abuse their children and spouses? Comment below and let me know.

Get Brittney Some Real Help!

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 16:35:15 GMT

Brittney Rushed to Hospital

The media is so interested in what is happening with Brittney and her many exploits. She has been so incredibly "out there" that most of us just shake our heads. Some might say this is a girl in desperate need for attention and all she does is attempt to get that attention.

I worked in adolescent treatment centers for five years. During that time I had many clients who were troubled teens whose parents claimed they were "attention seeking". Their behaviors were not that far off from Brittney's, but because of her income level and her media profile, her behaviors get even more out of hand.

What is "Attention Seeking" anyway?

What I began to observe in the kids who were "attention seeking" is that they needed attention for something far greater than they could even name. Always, they had some kind of hidden pain or trauma driving them to get someone to pay attention to it. Because they were young and unable to identify what was wrong with them, they did whatever they could to get the adults and professionals around them to pay attention. In my book, this is what "attention seeking" behavior really means. It means this child (or this person) is hurting desperately and needs help.

All of Brittney's behaviors can be seen as a cry for help. The sad part is that our medical and media world often overlook the obvious because it's "controversial". Dissociative Identity Disorder carries with it the implicit knowledge that something horrible happened to the sufferer. When you have this disorder, generally speaking, something really terrible has happened to you in your childhood. Yes, it has to be in childhood, because that is when the ability to dissociate effectively happens. After a certain age, our brains have developed substantially enough to prevent complete splitting as it happens in DID.

Why we avoid the issue

No one wants to look at the fact that around the world, and even in our "child focused" society, children get abused in terrible, often tortuous ways. The sad truth is that because we fail to look at the facts, we allow it to continue. Our denial keeps the game going. We live in denial mostly, I believe, because we don't want to think that seemingly normal people could be doing these things to their children. Does anyone want to think that Brittney's mom or dad could have allowed horrible things to have happened to their children? No, we don't want to "blame" them so we ignore the possibility.

Blame keeps us stuck

It seems to me that when we focus on who is to "Blame" we get our vision blurred. Even uncovering the horrors of childhood sexual, physical and verbal abuse does not mean we have to "Blame" the perpetrators. Our tendency is to do this of course, it feels satisfying to have a "bad guy" and we can just write them off. But the reality is that someone doesn't just do this kind of thing without having had some previous experience of it themselves. This is proven throughout history and research.

Why do we pretend that "blame" solves the problem? "Blame" perpetuates the problem. If we could transform our thinking into a view of others that includes compassion and ownership things in our world could be very different. We could help the poor perpetrators of the horrors of abuse, and protect the children at the same time. But because we tend to "how the book" at them and lock them away so we don't have to think about them again; we avoid dealing with the troublesome task of actually seeing them as human beings in need of help.

No one wants to "ruin" someone's life by identifying a perpetrator

This view keeps us from being willing to look at abusive behaviors in others. None of us wants to "ruin the lives" of someone by accusing them of something so horrendous. So instead we pretend it doesn't happen. Yet, as I noted in last weeks blog, there was a cat who uncovered dozens of videos of children being raped and abused between the ages of 5 and 14. I does happen and we have to remove ourselves from the black and white view of the offenders if anything is ever going to change.

Am I off my rocker?

I know a lot of you think it's wrong not to think of the offenders of child rape and pornography as anything but punishable by death or life imprisonment. Let me know your point of view. I may have written the book but I know there are things I an learn.

Cat Finds Child Porn

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 16:19:03 GMT

Awesome Cat

My husband is not a cat fan. He used to run his wife's Veterinarian Hospital and had too many difficult run-in's with cats to feel fond of them. But this morning a cat in Austin earned it's keep and increased the overall stature of cats in a lot of people's eyes.

Apparently the former dweller in the cat's apartment had been a collector of child pornography, serious child pornography. The DVD's this cat uncovered digging through a pile of heretofore undiscovered discs hidden on top of the kitchen cabinets were chock full of video of children from the ages of 5 to 14 being used for sexual pleasure. The cat's owner turned the DVD's over to the police and they were able to track down the DVD collector and arrested him.

Everyone involved in the case celebrated that the culprit was found and punished. This is when my head turns around like Linda Blair's in The Exorcist. What about those kids? Who made the originals and who is stopping THEM?

There were Children on those DVD's!

For the past 20 years I have worked very hard to help adolescents and adults recover from the debilitating effects of having been treated the way these children were in those DVD's. Much of the time, the press, and even the mental health community at large, denies that this happens to children. Now, they will reluctantly admit that it does happen "occasionally", but then go on to call the memories of the abused "false" and accuse the therapists of "implanting" these memories.

Funny, when my own father heard that I was recalling memories of my uncle's having abused me he sent me books about "false memories" and told me that my therapist was "implanting" these ideas in my head. I can't help but wonder how many of the children in these DVD's will have fathers, family members, doctors and others tell them their memories were "implanted". This has definitely hit my soapbox.

Who are the kids on those videos? Is someone trying to figure that out and then help the kids or perhaps, now adults, who were so perversely used? I seriously doubt it.

If there is a positive outcome from this, it's not arresting the poor bloke who collected the DVD's, its that it cannot be denied that child pornography exists. Logically one can then say, "Okay, if child pornography exists, then children must being being abused and the adults recalling this abuse are telling the truth."

A "Poor Bloke"?

Now, you may be wondering why I call this sick-o a "poor bloke". Well, it's because this guy was most likely a survivor of some type of abuse himself. Yet when he gets into the legal system it is highly unlikely he will get the help he needs to heal. When we look at the perpetrators of this kind of abuse, even the voyeurs, as being criminals and "bad guys" we limit our ability to stop the abuse from continuing. Simply criminalizing them does not stop the behavior. Understanding how they were hurt and helping them heal from it, have empathy for the child THEY were, is the only way for them to begin to have empathy for the children they hurt.

Empathy Works

This totally works. The sexual impulses become implanted and the perpetrators have a very difficult time changing their sexual patterns, and their fantasies never change. BUT they can learn to have empathy for the children and consequently stop the outward behavior.

When I was working on an adolescent unit several years ago there was a 15 year old girl whose father had formerly been incarcerated for abusing her when she was younger. This girl loved her father, and her father loved her dearly, in spite of what he had done to her. After treatment, which he actually got in the Texas system in those days,(I'm not sure it happens now, that was 15 years ago) he had empathy for his daughter. He told her, "I love you but I can NEVER be trusted to be with you alone." He understood the impact of his former behavior and made the conscious choice to prevent himself from ever being alone with children. This is what make the difference and not only protects the children, it heals the adult assailants.

Changing Our Paradigm

This is part of my experience as a therapist which has formed my model for understanding how our brains work and why we do the things we do. Moving ourselves out of the black and white, "good guys" and "bad guys" paradigm allows us to have true compassion for all people, not just those we perceive as the "victim" in a situation. If we do not move out of this old paradigm and into a paradigm that includes compassion our world will continue to be in turmoil and healing for our society and the individuals within that society cannot occur.

Sick-o or Human with a Problem?

I know my position is not common or even perhaps, acceptable in many circles. Maybe my position is even radical from some perspectives. Tell me what you think, am I off my rocker, on target, or somewhere in between. What do you think?

Has Dr. Phil Gone Too Far?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 16:19:41 GMT

Privacy and Boundaries

Now, if Britteny had asked for Dr. Phil's help, or if her family had asked him to intervene, that would be one thing, but barging in on her uninvited is purely rude. Personally, I am thrilled a pyschologist is involved, I am not so thrilled it's Dr. Phil. The poor girl needs real psychological help of a kind that, I am quite certain, is beyond Dr. Phil's skill set.

She Fits in My Expertise

In 1989, I went to work at a hospital where I helped troubled teens with all kinds of issues, from sexual abuse, familial allienation, and mental disorders to drug and alcohol addictions. Girls doing things outside of the media's eyes, that are very similar to Brittney.

Then, in 1996, I went to work at Charter Hospital of Dallas where I learned all about Dissociative Disorders and other Trauma related disorders. In 1997 I co-directed a Trauma unit at Timberlawn hospital.

I learned enough about Trauma and Dissociation to write a book. Life for someone traumatized results in pretty crazy-appearing behavior. Brittny Spears behavior falls right into the category of those who have been traumatized.

Prayers for Brittney

I pray for that girl. She needs someone with trauma experience to help her. My fear is that her family will get their way and take away her rights without giving her the help she desperately needs.

I was never a fan or cared much about her until all this started. Now my heart goes out to her. She has been used by her family and the media to sell magazines and make millions of dollars. She is lost little girl who needs help. Doesn't anyone see that?

Tell Me What You Think

What do you think? Do you think she is just as spoiled media star acting out for attention, or does she need real mental help?

Madeleine's Gone

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 18:11:11 GMT

Madeleine's Left Alone!

In Europe, I understand, it's normal to leave your small child or infant alone in a room while you go out to dinner. A friend of mine told me that while she lived in Germany her friends would coax her to go out for dinner and leave her sleeping infant alone in her apartment. My friend was appalled by the idea. It amazed me that anyone would think that is okay. Well, I thought, cultures are different.

Still, it's difficult to imagine doing it, especially today when we know almost immediately every time someone snatches a child because of our media coverage.

Madeleine is a True Victim

I'm sure that Madelein's parent feel like a Victim of what occurred to their precious daughter. And, of course, they had no way of knowing that, on that particular night, their child would be stolen from them. Are they a Victim?

I don't think so. They do hold some of the responsibility in what occurred. A child is totally defenseless without a parent or other responsible adult to protect them. When horrible things happen to our children, whether we know about or not, we hold some responsibility.

The Difference Between Blame and Responsibility

Madeleine's parents are clearly not "to blame" for what happened to her. They couldn't know this was going to happen, yet because this innocent child was in their charge, they do hold some of the responsibility. This, of course, is the danger of not thinking about our actions.

As the Culture Does so We Do

So much of the time we do as our culture does. We don't think about the long term implications of what we are doing because "everybody does it". There was a time in our history when beating a child with a belt was an accepted, everyday form of child discipline. Now, most parents know this is an abhorrent thing to do to a child.

But if you have grown up in a family where that is normal then it is likely that it is what you will do. If it is normal, in the culture of your family to call a child names, to verbally yell obscenities at your child, then that is most likely what you will do. You don't even stop to think about the effects this has on your child.

Like Madeleine's parents, we have to stop and think about the importance of paying attention to what is responsible behavior, and separate that out from what is the "norm" for our culture. Just because everyone else does, doesn't make it okay.

It's Just Like Scared Straight Santa

It reminds me of the general reaction I had to the Scared Straight Santa complaint I made in December. Most people thought it was a reasonable thing to do to a child. Frightening a child into good behavior is apparently the "norm" in our culture.

Now, it doesn't threaten the life of our child the way leaving a child unattended for an hour or two does, but it is just as irresponsible. When we frighten a child into compliance we are setting them up to have problems later in life.

Why? Because when we care more about the child's behavior than we do about the child's emotional state we are communicating to the child that they don't matter. Ultimately, when a child learns to believe that they don't matter, they start believing that no one matters. The result of this is an adult who will possibly do virtually anything to another person because no one matters to them. This is how the murders on death row feel.

What's Your Opinion?

Does this make sense to you? Is the culturally accepted "norm" an appropriate way to parent our children? Tell me what you think.

Herschel Walker Breaking Free

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 15:51:40 GMT

Herschel Walker has Multiple Personalities?

I have worked with clients with severe trauma since begining my practice. In 1996 I woked with the famed Dr. Collin Ross at the Charter Hospital of Dallas. Then, in 1997 I co-directed a Trauma unit at the infamous Timberlawn hospital in Dallas. Since that time I have helped many women and some men who had been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder ( this is what Multiple Personality Disorder is now called).

It is not a surprise to me that someone as successful as Walker has this disorder. I beleive him, though I hear the buzz of sceptics. Of course, anyone suffering from this disorder knows that there are more sceptics then believers in general. This is in spite of the majority of the medical profession recognizing the disorder officially in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual that is the official diagnostic criteria for any psychiatric condition.

The Media's Interest in DID

Its always amazed me how badly the media has portrayed the diagnosis in the past. There is always something about a murderer with DID. Often I go to movies without a clue the story is about DID, only to be dismayed to discover that, once again, the disorder is portrayed as resulting in someone who is an evildoer.

I was delighted last year when the television show, ER, had a man suffering from DID as the primary subject of an episode ("Jigsaw"). The show did an absolutely fantastic job of demonstrating the disorders characteristics and etiology. And, it was handled with finesse and sympathy for the young man.

My daughter told me two days ago that Stepen Speilberg is doing a sitcom called "The United States of Tara". Some people with the disorder may not appreciate that it is a comedy, but I do. I think if we can't laugh at ourselves then all is lost. Having worked with the disorder for many years, I have found there to be many hysterical moments. I recall one of my clients finding herself in an argument with a police officer about the appropriateness of stopping in the middle of an intersection at a red light. My clients 4 year old alter had been driving the car and only knew that "Red meands stop", so she stoped as soon as the light turned red, even though it was in the middle of the intersection!

Stepping out on a Limb

I'm going to step out on a limb here. The only real myth of DID is that it is rare. What I have observed, as I believe many other counselors have observed as well, is that dissociativeness is normal, and all of us have it to one degree or another. On the one hand is the normal, day to day dissociativeness we all experience (ever gone to the fridge and stood there wondering why you were there?). On the other hand is the extreme of DID. I believe this to be more common than a lot of people would like to admit, but most people fall somewherre in between. Ever heard of an "innr child"? That is a dissociative phenomena that most of us will admit to experiencing (if we have had any therapy).

So in the end, I say to Walker, "You go, man!" I congratulate him for his courage and his success in spite of experiencing an extremely trying disorder.

Is this for real?

What do you think? Is is possible that we are all dissociaitve to some degree? Do you think the whole idea of Multiple Personalities is a farce. I'd like to hear what you think.

Dr. Phil Needs Help

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 23 Jan 2007 16:16:11 GMT

Privacy and Boundaries

She Fits in My Expertise

Prayers for Brittney

I pray for that girl. She needs someone with trauma experience to help her. My fear is that her family will get their way and take away her rights without giving her the help she desperately needs.

Tell Me What You Think

What do you think? Do you think she is just as spoiled media star acting out for attention, or does she need real mental help?