Oh WOW! - Mental Illness

Altering the Fear with Drugs; A Good Thing?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 18:57:57 GMT

An article came out on Times Online this week about how scientists have discovered a way to alter our experience of traumatic material with the use of drugs. The article addressed this issue as if it were a new idea, and that some might find the whole idea offensive. The news of the advantageous aspects of using Propranolol to reduce PTSD is not new. I recall hearing about it back in 2001, and there is an article online from Harvard Magazine from 2004.

Indeed it seems there is at least one person who thinks this is a bad idea. Paul McHugh, a psychiatrist at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland is as credible as sources can get; on paper. But when you start reading his works you realize what a yahoo he is in reality. In a recent paper he says, "It is my opinion that MPD is another behavioral disorder - a socially created artifact - in distressed people who are looking for help. The diagnosis and subsequent procedures for exploring MPD give them a coherent posture toward themselves and others as a particular kind of patient: "sick" certainly, "victim" possibly. This posture, if sustained, will obscure the real problems in their lives and render psychotherapy long, costly, and pointless. If the customary treatments of hysteria are provided, then we can expect that the multiple personality behaviors will be abandoned and proper rehabilitative attention can be given to the patient."

As if that weren't bad enough, in yet another article he denies the reality of the PTSD diagnosis itself. He says, "It might be expected that ‘traumatologists’ would be cautious in diagnosing a person as having PTSD upon realising that it lacks a specific aetiology and is possibly not a distinct syndrome."

So when this yahoo says, (of Propranolol) “If soldiers did something that ended up with children getting killed, do you want to give them beta-blockers so that they can do it again?” asks Paul McHugh, a psychiatrist at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland, and a member of the US President's Council on Bioethics. “Psychiatrists are once again marching in where angels fear to tread.” What possible credibility can this guy have?

He clearly thinks that all of the millions of practitioners who have come to recognize PTSD as the underlying cause of a multitude of neurosis are completely stupid, or just naive enough to believe the pain our clients are experiencing.

Regardless, it is clear that PTSD exists, and that we have to discover ways to prevent it, manage the symptoms, and reduce he suffering of the millions of people who have it. Propranolol seems to offer some remarkable benefits both for the long term after effects and for preventing the development of PTSD symptoms within a window of time after a traumatic event.

What do you think?

Brittany Murphy's Tragic Death

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 22:07:12 GMT

Anorexia is a silent killer. It's silent because we don't expect people who look "great" to be near death. In our culture we value beauty; beauty that is often associated with being thin. Because film and TV media put on the appearance of a few extra pounds, there is even more pressure on actors and models to be extremely thin.

Starving is a small price to pay, some would say, for achieving dreams of fame and fortune, and joining the privileged few who make it to become working actors. Brittany was close to success as an actor than most in the profession will ever dream of being. She had had some hit films and a fair share of fans. But her secret battle with anorexia cost her life.

I've worked with clients, and had friends who suffered from various types of eating problems. Even when the person suffering from the disorder is doing it for "professional" reasons, there are underlying issues that drive the disorder to out of control proportions. Usually that something is some kind of unresolved traumatic experience.

Funny thing about traumatic experiences, we don't always recognize them as traumatic. Sometimes we think they are just normal and we are the crazy ones for having a bad reaction to them. We blame ourselves for how we reacted to it, feeling shame and humiliation for having a painful reaction to something that is normal in our experience. An example of this is "spanking" or even verbally berating a child. These things don't, on the surface appear to be so traumatic, but in the wrong circumstances they most certainly can be traumatic.

If you or someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder, whether its from over or under eating, odds are there are underlying traumatic issues that they need support in addressing.

What do you think? Have you ever struggled with a full blown eating disorder and not sought help? Known someone who has? I'd love to hear about it. Comment below.

Women Perpetrators? Is it a far fetched Idea?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 20:24:08 GMT

ABC Online's SCOTT MICHELS, SARAH NETTER, LAURA MARQUEZ and SABINA GHEBREMEDHIN seem to think the idea of a woman being a sexual perpetrator is far fetched. Do you? I suspect most people find the idea rather rediculous. In our culture women are, as Michels, Netter, Marquez and Ghebremdhin suggest, seen as nurturers and not violent or sexual perpetrators.

Throughout the article, Why Do Some Women Kill, they search for explanations as to why a woman could possibly become so strangely perverse as to do what Melissa Huckaby, a Sunday school teacher and the mother apparently did, which was to rape and kill one of her daughter's friends. The authors of this article propose that maybe she is just covering up for her daughter having accidentally killed the girl, or maybe she just got carried away in the interrogation and said things that are not true. Whether or not Ms Huckaby is guilty of the crimes, it is obvious from this incident that most of us will go to extraordinary lengths to rationalize that a woman could not possibly do what Ms Huckaby admitted to having done.

It’s ironic, too, because just today I read on UPI about a woman in Russia capturing a man trying to rob her beauty salon. Seems she tied him up with a hair dryer cord, fed him Viagra and forced him to have sex with her for two days until she was apprehended and charged with rape.

Both articles are evidence that women are indeed capable of doing things sexually perverted and acting as perpetrators of sexual abuse. Does this shake up your belief system? I know it does for a lot of people.

The idea that women could do such horrendous acts was beyond my own belief until I began working with sexual abuse survivors more than 20 years ago. Slowly but surely I began to accept the truth of what my clients were telling me. In spite of what statistics will show us, I have every reason to believe that women perpetrate as much violence and sexual abuse on their children as do men.

I know it’s a radical statement to make and statistics being what they are, will not back me up. But statistics rely on one important measure: self-report or outright evidence. In my experience the victims of female perpetrated crimes will not admit to having been perpetrated by a woman for lots of socially understandable reasons. In our culture, as the ABC article states are thought of as being the "nurturer" and to accept, even for ourselves, that what our mothers, sisters, aunts, and grandmothers did to us was abusive flies in the face of our most sacred beliefs about woman's role in society. This is also why, even when a victim risks ridicule, rejection and dismissal to tell someone of their abuse by a woman, they are exponentially less likely to be believed.

Until we can begin to look at what I firmly believe to be absolute truth, that women are as guilty of sexual, physical and verbal abuse and violence as are men, the cycle of abuse and violence that plagues our world will never be eradiated.

What do you think? Has a woman in your life ever beaten, hit, screamed at, emotionally, verbally, or sexually abused you in any way? Do you think it's impossible? Improbable? Comment below. This is an incredibly important topic.

Dr. Phil, Please Get Some Help!

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 18:40:34 GMT

Speaking up

Okay, I know no one is a “bad guy” but I have to seriously question the health and intentions of Dr. Phil. He is in serious need of some kind of intervention. He is likable and has a lot of smart, pithy things to say, but he has crossed over the line. I was getting my nails done last week and was forced to listen to his show. He had some sort of “Retreat” program with 16 people going through his “program”.

TV Therapy

What a lot of people don’t know is that to be able to go on TV and intervene with people the way he is doing, you have to give up your licensure as a professional. Dr. Phil is an unlicensed psychologist. There is nothing wrong with that, per se, but people should know that he is not licensed and that it is for a reason.

Professional counseling and psychology licenses attempt to regulate what it is okay to do and what is NOT okay to do. Professionals lose their license when they do something that is considered to be inappropriate or unethical of a professional. Dr. Phil’s doing therapy on national television is considered to be unethical, that is why it’s forbidden for license holders.

Dr. Phil’s Retreat

On this ‘retreat” program I suffered through I watched innocent people going through hell. Dr. Phil used his undue influence to coerce these people into revealing the most intimate details of their lives and trauma history in front of millions of people. Okay, he was trying to get the point across that being victimized is not the defining thing about us as human beings. His point is when we hold the secret in our entire lives and let it dominate our emotional lives; it becomes the dominant factor in our lives. The supposed point of this exercise is, we are to believe, getting rid of this excess baggage.

The Problem of National TV Therapy

The problem is multidimensional. To start this, this is therapy and therapy is by necessity something that should be private and confidential. He was doing group therapy on national television, exploiting those peoples pain and suffering for his own ends. He was directly benefiting from their suffering. This is not only unethical; it’s immoral. Now those people will walk down the street and be recognized as “Oh, there is that guy that was raped when he was nine!” How is that going to help rid him of his Victim baggage?

Sure, there will be some short term benefit of relieving oneself of the burden of carrying around the secret, but the long term effects of exposing such vulnerability on the national stage is not something that has been researched. We have no idea how this could impact someone as vulnerable as a severe abuse survivor. Neither does Dr. Phil, what’s more, he obviously doesn’t care. I’m sure his ratings went up and that is what is most important isn’t it?

It’s Exploitation

I am surprised that more counseling and psychology professionals are not as upset by this obvious exploitation of these brave individuals. I can only imagine the amount of pain and suffering they will now have to endure as a result of Dr. Phil’s exploitation of them.

Dr. Phil, Please Get Your Own Help

Of course, I know that anyone causing this much pain to another person has to be holding in a heck of a lot of their own pain. It makes me sad for him. He is out there with the Rescuer mode in his head and in fact injuring people in the process. I suspect he buys his own press, thinking he is this great and helpful person. And this is not to say he hasn’t helped some people, I am quite sure he has. But the reality is that Rescuers do sometimes help people but in the process also injure a lot of people, too. I should know; I spent a lot of my life as a Rescuer.

Is Dr. Phil Injuring or Helping?

Let me know what you think. I am opinionated but not closed-minded. I would love to hear what you think. Comment below.

> >

Emotional Contagion

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 02:15:40 GMT

A recent article on Oprah.com warns us that our spouse’s moods might be catching. It says doctors are concerned because a heart bypass patient with a “neurotic and anxious” spouse is more likely to be depressed after 18 months. They don’t seem to concerned about the neurotic spouse’s contribution to the need for a bypass in the first place.

Posted by Mike Henricks, Melody's husband and partner.

Of course our spouse effects our moods, our health, everything. Unless you take the view that a spouse is just a business partner with “benefits” you already knew that. I’m really disturbed by this popular view that our closest, most vital relationship with someone we have chosen to try and spend the rest of our life with should be a “just when it suits us” thing. It is just nuts.

Even our bodies know better than that. The article blames our “mirror neurons” that make us much more sensitive to the emotional state of our lover for our “catching” our partner’s foul humor. Those mirror neurons help us pick up and respond to the most important person in our life, our life partner. The article suggests you “disengage” from your spouse when they are negative. Can you spell abandonment? What you need is perspective, compassion, and respect. The entire “Oh Wow” approach to relationships is built on helping you understand what is yours, and what is theirs. This lets you stay present as just your normal self (that’s the best version of you, anyway) instead of taking some artificial stance to protect yourself or abandoning your partner, You can stay connected to them without being sucked into their current crisis.

It is supposed to be a marriage, after all.

Posted by Mike Henricks, Melody's husband and partner

Is Incest Insanity?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 05 May 2008 15:23:26 GMT

Incest is a mental illness?

Today CNN reports that Josef Fritzi’s lawyer is attempting to get him off with an “insanity” plea. His lawyer, Mayer, said: "I believe that the trigger was a mental disorder, because I can't imagine that someone has sex with his own daughter without having a mental disorder,"

If incest is, as Fritzi’s lawyer claims, a symptom of mental illness then it could change everything about how we view fathers (and mothers) who rape their children. Maybe we should consider that anyone raping anyone is because of a mental illness. Maybe we should consider that anyone killing anyone else has a mental illness, too.

Ooops… I think I agree.

Strange as it seems, I think I agree with Fritzi’s lawyer. He is obviously seriously mentally ill. But then I believe most of those incarcerated are mentally ill. That is however, quite different than being “insane” isn’t it?

What is “Insane” anyway?>

Someone asked me this past week what it is to be “psychotic” which, I think, is what most courts consider the word “insane” to mean. Psychotic, if you have ever seen it, is clearly “insane”. It means that the sufferer has no ability to connect reality with what is happening inside their head. Reality for a psychotic person is what is in their head and it does not match what anyone else perceives. For instance, a woman who seriously believes she is the Queen of England but lives in a mobile home in rural Oklahoma.

While I do believe that Fritzi suffers from some kind of mental illness, I also believe that the world needs to be protected from people that dangerous.

How monsters are made>

When we understand that abuse creates problems for people, emotionally, we understand how monsters like Fritzi are made. Something really awful must have happened to him as a kid to pervert his mind in such a way. He undoubtedly identified with his own perpetrator. What we know is that when someone is a Victim, they tend to choose one of three ways to manage the horror. They will tend to either remain in a Victim position feeling helpless and hapless (perhaps like Fritzi’s wife) or move in to the Rescuer role and take care of everyone else including their perpetrator (oh, well, I guess this describes Fritzi’s wife even better). Or thirdly they can become a Self-Protector, attempting to gain a sense of power and control by being dominating and over controlling or they can hide behind a wall of hardened emotions. All of these states can, of course, be behind dissociative walls themselves. At the extreme, all of these roles become mental illness. Rescuers are the co-dependant supporters of addicts, abusers and other irrational human beings. Victims become the suicidal depressed clients in psychiatric wards. Self-Protectors (at their worst) can become monsters like Fritzi. Our prisons are full of them.

But none of the above falls into the category of psychotic necessarily. Being mentally ill does not mean insane.

Sorry, Fritzi.>

But to own our own safety we MUST protect ourselves against people who are unable for whatever the reason, to keep themselves from endangering others. When our illness becomes a danger to others, there is no choice but to be locked up. That owns our need for safety. Any jury that would find Fritzi’s illness as a reason to let him go, would have to be one that didn’t understand the need for keeping society safe from someone unable to manage to keep society safe from themselves.

Does “Mentally Ill” equal “Insane”?

What do you think? Comment below.

The Bizarre Enslavement of Elizabeth

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 13:37:11 GMT

The Captivity of Elizabeth

Josef Fritzl shocked and surprised most of the world with the bizarre story of his enslavement of his now 42 year old daughter and her two sons. Rocking Austria with the news, his daughter exposed the horrors she suffered to the police. For 24 years she was held captive by this man, unable to even see the light of day. Before that, she was also his captive slave as his sex slave since the age of 11. Who knows how many more of her 6 surviving children have also been his sex slaves. We know that pedophiles have no limits to the number of children they can and will use for their sexual pleasure.

One of the questions we will likely never know the answers to is who else was involved in helping him set up his mini-prison for his progeny. Certainly others had to have been involved in building out this sound proof cellar that even his wife didn’t know existed. It would have been too difficult for him to do this himself, authorities say.

Child captives

The horrors of what this man has done are shocking to most people. Raping and holding his own children captive is unthinkable for most of us. I thank God for that fact. Yet, stories like this come to me every day. Perhaps they were not held captive for 24 years, but they were certainly held captive for their entire childhoods.

This is often the reality of what survivors of childhood sexual abuse. They are in fact at the total control of their abusing parents. Their position as children gives them no rights and no way to escape, they are totally dependant on their parents for their care and have no choice but to do whatever their parents tell them to do. If they are in some type of cult, they are even more trapped because it involves all of the people in their world.

Or split off selves

The result is a type of psychic splitting that often becomes Dissociative Identity Disorder. For some its merely Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, where the splits are not clear cut and do not carry clearly separate identities, only moods or jobs and memories of what occurred that is blocked out by the host. Many of us are like this, whether we realize it or not. If you have blocks of your childhood you don’t recall it could be held by a ego-state split off from your conscious awareness.

This is what explains the bizarre and inexplicable behavior of people who seem “ordinary” to the outside world and who have alter identities that behave in sometimes horrific ways. That is not to say that all DID’s have horrific things they do or have done, mostly this is not true. But this is how this sort of thing occurs.

How the Cycle of Egocentrism starts inside

Because our psyches are set up to split off awareness of things to awful for our little minds to comprehend, we send this part of our awareness into the nether regions of our mind. This part of us has been a Victim of something awful. Then perhaps this part of us has to continue to participate in horrors and to survive, models themselves after the perpetrator of the abuse. This part of them becomes like their perpetrator in order to survive so they become a Self Protector. In order to protect themselves, they align with their perpetrator. Or they become the caretaker of their perpetrator to survive becoming a Rescuer.

It changes everything when you recognize how the splitting occurs in all of us at some level. When it occurs to the degree it did for Josef Fritzl, it creates a monster that most of us cannot fathom. Yes, even Josef Fritzl deserves empathy. What could have happened to him to make him become the horrific nightmare of a human being he became? To be really clear: this does not justify his behavior. He is still responsible for what he did, even if we can recognize that at some point he was a Victim as well.

What do you think?

Is it possible to find empathy for such a monster? Like Hitler, Josef Fritzl did horrid things. But at some level he, too, was just trying to survive in the only way he could figure out to survive based on how he saw his world. Let me know what you think. Comment below.

> >

Pharmaceuticals Polluting Our Water? By Melody Brooke, Author, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 15:03:00 GMT

Drugs in our Drinking Water?

The big report today is about the trace amounts of pharmaceuticals found in our drinking water. Wow, this is a huge thing. Now, we don't know, of course, because we don't have long term studies, what the result of this will be on our bodies over time. Perhaps the effects will be negligible. But what if that is the explanation for the increased number of people with multiple chemical sensitivities?

Children are of course the most susceptible to small amounts of drugs. Their little bodies can be very sensitive to even small amounts of medications. But even adults can be highly reactive to particular medications. Myself, I have reactions to things that other people don't.

What does this mean?

Well, personally, I've been drinking only distilled bottled water for years. I even cook in it. Yet, in fact, do I know that the pharmaceuticals have been removed from them? No, of course I don't! Filtration systems are not set to filter out drugs, only impurities.

What is the real source of this?

In my own, very biased opinion, this problem is a direct result of our over medicated culture. We look to drugs as our cultural "Rescuer". Our Doctors are of course our ultimate "Rescuer", but only if the Doctor prescribes a medication for us. Ever been to the doctor's office and he didn't prescribe something for you. You sort of feel like you've been ripped off don't you?

In our culture we tend to focus on what can get us our of our pain as quickly as possible. Drugs are our "Rescuer" to get us out of our pain. The number of people on anti-depressants is scary. Yet, there have been multiple studies done proving that other response to depression work as well or better with long lasting results that outlast the treatments, unlike drugs.

Psychotherapy, massage, and exercise are but a few of the interventions research has found to be as effective or more effective than medications. Yet we want the quick fix don't we? We want something to "Rescue" us from our pain.

A friend of mine started therapy years ago with, well, my own therapist. My friend began to tap into tremendous amounts of grief that he just couldn't let himself process. His pain turned into a clogged up sinus. The infection got so bad his face was swollen like a Neanderthal. I've never seen anything like it. But rather than let himself process his grief, he got on antibiotics and cursed his therapist. He never did process the pain, choosing instead to use gambling to medicate his grief.

What is our alternative?

Our bodies and our spirit knows we need to process the feelings buried inside us. If we don't it results in all kinds of physical and emotional illness. I'm not alone in making this wide-sweeping statement. Depok Chopra, Marianne Williamson, Bernie Segal - just to name a few other brilliant observers- all conclude the same thing.

Rescuing is not a viable option

When we seek rescue from our pain we block ourselves from full wellness. We set ourselves up for other ailments and difficulties. Running from the pain only exacerbates it. Staying tuned in to the pain wont kill you. I promise you it won't. Avoiding it may.

Avoiding pain at all costs

Having worked with clients suffering from tremendous pain over the years I've never seen the pain kill someone. I have, however, seen avoiding the pain kill people. Keeping the pain locked in at all costs sets our bodies up for failure. Plus, of course, there are those who would choose suicide rather than feel the feelings. I don't really blame them, it is often really difficult to let ourselves process the backlog of pain.

But I do grieve for them. The pain is temporary. It really is. Once we allow the free flow of our emotions the emotions pass. Emotions are really "energy in motion" (at least that is what I was taught). When the energy is allowed to flow on through us, then it's out and over with. But we fear the process and we block it.

The sad part is that once the pain has washed through us we are then able to freely allow in the other feelings; joy, spontaneity, love, playfulness, compassion. That really does change everything.

Are you able to let yourself process pain?

Some of you, I'm sure, think this is nonsense. Please feel free to let me know what you think. I'm sure some of you have found drugs to be your answer to prayer. I have, certainly, at times. Let me know what you think. Comment below.

England's Child Abuse Horror by Melody Brooke, Author, Conflict Coach

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 15:10:48 GMT

Horror's in Jersey, England

Since 1867 there has been a children's home in England reported to have been a haven for pedophiles and a hell for children. Over a hundred years of it's history at least some of that time children were raped, tortured and beaten. Many of the survivors are still alive today and report the after effects of living with that kind of trauma. Some did not survive and ended up killing themselves. They have found evidence of murders as well as torture and sexual abuse.

These are the stories of real live human beings, who as innocent children suffered things no one should have to endure. There are stories of these things happening all over the world, at various times and places, and seldom are they verified in the end. It is a rare thing for the evidence to be coming out in such a way as to actually validate the survivors reports.

Does this happen in the U.S.?

In the US we tend to find ways to sweep the incidents under the rug, so to speak. Most of the time when there is a report of systemized abuse of children the report is in the news with much sensationalism. The facts seem irrevocable. Then, over time the facts, the evidence slowly erode into nothing. The evidence disappears, the witnesses suddenly become unavailable for comment or retract their earlier statements. The False Memory people are smug.

The results

Then the adults show up in therapy suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), depression, suicidality, extreme anxiety, drug and alcohol abuse, DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), obsessive compulsive disorder, borderline personality disorder, self-abuse, and psychotic breaks. Some therapists don't believe their stories and the sufferer feels like a "liar". Some are put on anti-psychotics and treated as if they were Scizophrenic. Some are put on Lithium and treated for Bipolar Disorder. A rare few get taken seriously and treated for their pain.

Survivor -ism

During the '90's there was a huge wave of sexual abuse survivors coming out and confronting their parents and other perpetrators in the media and in courtrooms. Their justifiable rage aimed at their perpetrators resulted in accusations, charges being filed, and arrests being made. The "bad guys" were called on the carpet and an adversarial situation, fed by the media, was perpetuated. This began a backlash resulting in the organization of The False Memory Syndrome Foundation. The accused took back their power by organizing, hiring lawyers and accusing the accusers of lying, and being manipulated into believing they were abused by "well meaning" therapists. Now, few people will dare risk coming out in the open to accuse their perpetrators.

Here is the rub.

People treat other people the way they were treated. When these things occur, and they do occur, it is because the abusers were themselves abused. Treating them as criminals instead of recognizing their wounding sets up an adversarial condition not conducive to healing.

After years of working with DID clients, I have come to the conclusion that most abuse happens in the form of a dissociative episode. The abusers own splitting creates more splitting in the effects of their abuse on the child they have abused. The abuse is then perpetuated on and on if no one ever recognizes what is happening.

Good-guys versus bad-guys

Putting the abusers in jail without treatment doesn't help the abused. They feel guilty because they know the person in jail is just like them. Now, I am not saying society doesn't need to be protected from people known to be abusers. But I am saying we must begin to treat them as wounded human beings deserving of our help.

Our cultural response to bad things happening is to find someone to blame. When we discover who is to blame, we punish them. This sets us up to live in a split world, one in which black and white never meet and the good-guys and bad-guys are well defined. Unfortunately this perpetuates the cycle of abuse and ignores reality.

It's not so simple

In reality we all have good parts of us and not so good parts of us. When we have been abused and deny it's reality, we have to split off this part of our awareness into a dissociated part of our brain. This part of us needs to heal so it pushes its way out in the form of repeating the trauma in some way or another. We either do it to others or put ourselves in situations where it will be done to us again.

Setting ourselves up as Victims or Perpetrators of the abuse allows us to continue to work out the trauma. It's our brain's attempt to heal. Unfortunately, without treatment, it also perpetuates the abuse cycle.

Staying stuck in the Victim/Perpetrator/Rescuer cycle prevents healing and sets us up for more trauma. Recognizing that we are all at once all of these things,and moving out of the adversarial positions of good-guy versus bad-guy gives us a chance to change and heal. This really changes everything./p>

Let me know what you think.

I know I've gone on longer than you were perhaps prepared to read. I know you must have some opinions. I'd love to hear them. Comment below.

"Not the Steven I Knew" by Melody Brooke, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 16:16:40 GMT

Not a Villain?

Steven Kazmierczak’s girlfriend, Jessica Baty, said, “That’s not the Steven I knew”. She goes on to describe him as a gentle, kind man who was estranged from his family. She said he had been sent to a “group home” as a teen because he was depressed, and he medication he had been on was Prosac. Clearly, there is more to this story than can be deduced from the actions on that fateful day.

Split personalities or Prosaic’s bad side

Listening to what went on with this young man certainly makes him sound like he could have been DID (Dissociatve Identity Disorder). Jessica Baty reported that Kazmierczak could not recall his childhood and that his parents thought he was “unruly” and sent him away. Depressed and “unruly” both could describe someone beginning to display DID symptoms, and the fact that he could not recall his childhood suggests that he must have had some psychic splitting going on. He also had "obsessive compulsive" tendencies according to Jessica, also a sign of DID.

On the other hand, Prosac has strange and unpredictable side effects. As a counselor I have worked with kids and adults prescribed Prosac and other “SSRI”’s (Selective Seratonin Re-uptake Inhibitors). How SSRI’s work is not fully understood and the side effects for some people include anxiety, aggression and violence. Stopping suddenly can worsen these effects. Steven had stopped taking the drug and, from what it sounds like, without the help of a medical professional.

What and be learned?

We’ll never know what was really going on inside Steven’s head, but we have enough clues to know that Jessica Baty was correct. He was a victim, too, just like the others February 14, 2008 at NIU.

When we are shut off from our “shadow” side, the part of us that we want to deny or not accept, it leaves us prone to this kind of splitting. Knowing that ALL of us have sides of ourselves that we don’t like, that are not in congruence with our values and beliefs can help us to confront them and learn from them.

All of us have “Victim”, “Villains” and “Rescuers” inside of us; it’s in our DNA. We are pre-programmed to have these ways of responding to our world and to a sense of threat. Recognizing this can help us to face the unappealing truths about ourselves and, perhaps, keep us from reacting in aggressive, or even, violent ways. This changes everything.

Maybe we can also be more thoughtful and less prone to try to solve everything with a pill, too.

What about you?

How well do you know your own “shadow side”? Have you explored the parts of you that you dislike or reject? Do you think I am making excuses for a monster? Tell me what you think. Comment below.

Split Illinois Shooter by Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, Author, Conflict Coach

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 16:17:20 GMT

Kazmierczak Dissociatve?
The details about this man who shot 20 people and left 7 dead are beginning to unravel. This mornings AP article talked about the contradictions in his behavior. They sound, in my experience, very much like those of a Dissociative Identity Disordered individual.
Evidence?
Kazmierczak was hospitalized in the past, for what condition we don't know. One of the issues he dealt with is that he didn't like staying on his meds. Many DID clients are mistakenly given anti-psychotic medications which cause them side effects and are inneffective in managing symptoms. Voices that come from being split into alter personalities cannot be silenced by drugs.
Another issue he struggled with was self harm, a common symptom of DID. Reportedly he was a "cutter" (someon who cuts themselves). "Cutters" do this in an effort to manage internal pain. Our bodies release endorphins when we are injured and these endorphins coursing through our system relieve pain in much the same way opiates do. This is one of the reason's it is so difficult to stop "cutters" from cutting. It becomes quite addictive.
Kazmierczak's pain
Most of the people who knew him had little to say about him that sounded like he was suffering in any way. They saw him as a nice guy, though some suggested he struggled with intimacy problems. He had a girlfriend who reports say he sometimes engaged in physical altercations with, though it never involved hitting. He would physically restrain her during arguments.
The night befoe the shootings he talked with his uncle making plans for playing a game of chess with him. None of this sounds like someone in psychological distress. Though there are reports of his possibly haven broken up with his girlfriend.
What could have happened to him?
It's doubtful that we will ever know what happened to him to have created the kind of turmoil he was clearly experiencing. Family's of these type of perpetrators rarely admit to having knowledge of their having been abused in any way. Why would they want to acknowledge what they might have done to contribute to these people's horrific behaviors?
Cho Seung-hui, the gunman who killed 32 students at West Virginia Tech, had sent many more clues as to his misery. He was reportedly on anti-psychotics and also had been hospitalized for mental illness in the past. But his writings certainly indicated trauma history. He wrote repeatedly suggestive statements of his having been sexually abused, and his intense anger about it. Could he have been split, too? It's not so clear with him since his behavior was more consistent with the profile of someone who would do this sort of thing. But he was certainly suffering from some kind of traumatic history.
Traumatic splitting
Traumatic splitting occurs, generally in childhood, when a person is subjected to some kind of traumatic incident that is overwhelming to the child. While the trauma is happening the child energetically leaves their body, looking down on themselves as if from above. They then look at the child being traumatized as being separate from them, as if it were happening to someone else. This kind of splitting, when it occurs frequently enough, becomes DID. At least, that is one of the paths to the disorder.

The faces of evil or the faces of pain?
Looking at these facese is spooky, perhaps because we know what happened to the person behind those eyes. But even without having known what these men did, we could easily see that something is missing in their eyes. Could it be dissociation? Could these hollow expressions carry the blankness of one's mind being split so completely as to carry out such horrific behaviors? Let me know what you think when you see these faces. Could this kind of pain be behind the attacks? Comment below.

Happiness at What Price? By Melody Brooke, Motivational Speaker, Conlfict Coach, Author

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 20:59:34 GMT

Sadness Phobia
This past week there was a great article in Newsweek about the value of sadness. Funny thing is that of course, depression and "sadness" are not the same thing. We have become so phobic of depression that we obsessively label anyone with normal sadness, stress or grief as being depressed. We even say that about ourselves don't we?
When we get down we say to our friends "I'm a little depressed today." Depression is such a catch all word. What does it really mean? In the DSM for clinicians it means more than a bit of sadness or even prolonged grief. Depression is when we lose the capacity to function at normal levels for prolonged periods... not weeks, but months or more. When we can't sleep, can't eat, lose interest in our favorite activities and lose awareness of our appearance and it goes on for months; that's depression.
Showing Sadness
When we allow our sadness to be seen by others, we risk being labeled as "unhealthy" or "depressed" when what we are feeling is NORMAL. Isn't it normal to be upset if our cat dies or we lose our jobs? Isn't it normal to grieve for a loved one over a period of years? What happens if we don't allow ourselves these feelings?
I read something recently about a new trend in Japan among business managers. Japanese workers are REQUIRED to keep a smile on their faces at all times. The result is that the incidence of depression, anxiety disorders, suicidality and alcoholism have radically increased.
Toxins
Our bodies are designed to release the the pain we feel through our tears. Tears actually release toxins created from the pain. Tears from watery eyes are not the same, chemically, as tears from pain or sadness. When we stuff these feelings and or pretend they are not there, the result is like a toxic waste dump in our bodies creating stress and illness in that show up as a variety of illnesses.
Being sad or suffering from grief is what makes us human!
My clients often feel they are "wrong" for feeling sad about sad things. Yet isn't this what separates us from the psychopaths of the world? Because we can feel sadness when something horrid happens, we know we have heart. How would you feel about someone talking about the shootings in Northern Illinois with no sadness about them? Someone who could hear of horrors like these and not feel something is missing a piece of their humanity.
Isn't this what we do to ourselves?
We limit our own ability to process or grief and sadness when we tell ourselves we "shouldn't" feel something we feel. This week a friend of mine said, "I was driving home from work today and just started crying. I don't know what is wrong with me." Yet this very friend was going through a painful divorce, moving into a new home and having to deal with her children blaming her for the divorce, and her mother died last spring. I said, "Your are kidding me! You have every reason in the world to feel sad. I want to cry just thinking about what you are going through."
When we minimize or deny our very real sadness we set ourselves up for depression. Depression, as it turns out, is less about being sad than it is not being able to BE sad. When we keep ourselves from having our sadness we are much more at risk of depression.
Let yourself cry!
Allow yourself to have your feelings, and better still, let yourself cry on someone's shoulder. A man I know recently realized the career choices he had made have limited him so much he now feels trapped. He turned to me and said "I just want to drive up to my sister's have have her hold me while I cry." "Do it!" I told him. This would be the healthiest thing he could do for himself. Oh, wow, this changes everything, when we let ourselvs feel our pain.
Therapy
Therapy is largely about helping clients connect with and release the feelings they have stored up in their bodies perhaps for a lifetime. Therapy works as well as antidepressants for depression, and it's effects last longer.
But you may not need therapy, you may just need the shoulder of someone who loves you.
Do you let yourself cry?
Let me know what you think. Is it too hard for you to let loose with your tears? If so, what do you think this has cost you? Maybe you think these emotions are best avoided. Let me know, comment below.

Patty Hearst Wins at Westminster! by Melody Brooke, Conflict Coach, Speaker, Author

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 15:51:30 GMT

You Go Girl!

Patty Hearst has had injustice done to her that was tragic. First by being kidnapped by terrorist organization (one that supposedly had ties to the religious cult 'Synanon"), then by a justice system that ignored her trauma. Fortunately President Carter, and then President Clinton released her from her sentence.

She was held, not just as a prisoner, but as a torture and brainwashing victim. They kept he in a closet, denied her food, drugged her, beat her and terrorized her. Then they began calling her a name they made up for her. Who knows what else they did to her. Eventually they managed to split her identity and she accepted the name and persona of "Tanya". At that point her torture and brainwashing stopped, but the very real threat of her going back into the closet was constant.

That any court could not see what had happened to her as being a psychological trauma over which she had no control, was handing out injustice.

Patty now

Today, it was announced that she was a won a top prize at the famous Westminster dog show with her little french bulldog. Its a long way from "Tanya". Patty has also acted in a number of productions from film to television in the past several years. Her life has obviously turned around since the horror. One can only assume she got the help she needed. Good for her.

The splitting that results from abuse

In my practice I have had clients whom grew up in this cult. Synanon practiced and got quit expert at mind control tactics. They are reported to have learned how to shock, beat, humiliate, isolate and rape its members into complete acquiescence to their ends. Their leader was a power crazed psychotic that was eventually murdered by a former cult member. Reportedly, hundreds, perhaps thousands of people were indoctrinated in this way by their bizarre and cruel tactics.

How was Patty identified to be used in this way?

Perhaps it was desire for funding from Randolph Hearst, perhaps it was merely opportune. We'll never know. But what my experience with it's victims has taught me is that they knew quite well how to psychologically split personalities and to use those split off parts to their own ends.

Patty was not their only victim, just the most notorious.

When children are subjected to traumatic, horrifying experiences their minds naturally reject what is happening to them. While the event is so horrific it cannot be fully denied, it can be rejected as theirs. The child looks at what is happening and says to themselves something like "Oh, look at that poor little kid over there. What an awful thing."

Surviving at any cost

This splitting themselves apart from the experience allows them to psychologically survive the event. Many of us have experienced a few events that we experienced as traumatic, and we split off the experience, but because we did not continue to experience repeated traumas of a similar kind, we did not form separate personalities to deal with it. We may have split it off if it was foreign enough, or outside of our known family history (say a child molested by a neighbor and the family never knew). Or, if the event was a part of our family history but no one ever talked about it (say a parent had a mental breakdown and became self abusive in front of the child, but then received treatment and it never happened again), we may have split off the experience. Other traumas like our parents beating all the kids and all the kids knew and talked about it might not be split off, unless it went beyond beatings into repeated torture.

Understanding how DID happens

Okay I'll bet you've had TMI at this point, (too much information). These are the stories of what happens to sufferers of Dissociative Identity Disorder. They have had a series of horrific events happen to them (of course sometimes it can develop from an overly imaginative child left alone too long). But I give you this information to help you understand how DID happens to most sufferers.

My heart goes out to Herschel Walker, and perhaps Britney Spears, who knows what they have been through, too.

We all have "parts"

While we don't all have DID, we do all have separate ego states that we go in to under certain circumstances. When we feel threatened, overwhelmed or out of control we will move into certain behavioral sets that dictate our behavior and our choices. If we are DID we simply split off into a different identity.

Making the choice to respond differently to those feelings is not always so easy. In our culture we are taught to medicate our pain and fear with whatever method we can find. Some of us choose drugs and alcohol, others food, sex, work or exercise. We become our own Rescuer, doing whatever we can to stop the fear and pain. Of course we end up being a Victim of our own attempts to stop it don't we? We hurt ourselves and the people around us when we do it. Yet it is a accepted part of our culture.

< But,we can change EVERYTHING when we do things differently.

How about you?

How do you handle it when you feel threatened, overwhelmed or out of control? Do you know anyone medicating their pain? Someone with apparently split off parts of themselves? Comment below and let me know what you think.

Heath Ledger's Tragic End by Melody Brooke, Speaker, Trainer, Author

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 21:44:38 GMT

Heath's tragedy

One of the reasons I became interested in this story is that I saw Heath on the Tonight show with Jay Leno last year and could not believe how inarticulate this bright, talented man appeared. My first thought is that he was on some kind of drugs. No one is that laid back on the Tonight Show. But there was no other indication of his having problems obvious in the media. People I mentioned it to felt I was reading something in to his behavior that wasn't there.

The press now reports him having Cocaine problems and this being the reason for the failure of his relationship with Michelle Williams, the mother of his child. I don't know about the veracity of that report, but he had been seen hanging out with Lindsey Lohan (whom we KNOW had drug problems) and then of course, with Mary Olson. Other people, like Jake Gyllenhaal, who befriended Heath during the filming of Brokeback Mountain, are now agonizing over Heath's death, presumably because he did not intervene with Heath during the final months of the decline of his life.

Drugs and talent

The newly released toxicology reports determined Heath's having overdosed on sedatives. How this came to be is not clear. Heath was reportedly having trouble sleeping and had been rumored to have been struggling with having played the character of "The Joker" in Batman. His vivid portrayal of a psychopathic killer may have pushed him over the edge. Other rumors are about his having been seen partying heavily just prior to his death.

Heath clearly, whatever the cause, was in a lot of pain. Then he dealt with that pain using drugs of one sort or another. Whether he was a long term addict or a recent one due to recently prescribed medications; he was in trouble.

Being famous is no protection

Even people as remarkable and successful as Heath can find themselves battling demons of pain and anxiety and unable to cope. One would think that at that level you would have resources available to help you overcome them, and that there would be in his life concerned about him enough to have intervened. Yet this is not what appears to happen for so many talented people. Judy Garland, Elvis Presley, Janis Joplin, Brad Renfro, Charlie Sheen, Lindsey Lohan and the list goes on. Few of them get the help they need because, I fear, being so successful and famous blinds the people in their world. Regardless, it's obvious he was in a lot of pain and desperate to find a way out of it.

We all look for a way out don't we?

This is what happens to us isn't it? We have something in our live gives us pain and we are driven to find a way out of it. We feel like "the victim" of something that is causing us pain and we look for something to take us out of it. For many of us it's food, others it's alcohol, shopping, work, or drugs... as it appears to have been for Heath. We begin by trying to Rescue ourselves from being a Victim of our pain, and end up harming ourselves. This is how the cycle happens inside our psyche, inside fighting our own internal demons, whatever they are.

What if someone could begin teaching us how to manage the pain and to work our way through it rather than struggling with resisting the irresistible? Medicating our pain doesn't make it go away does it? It only postpones our awareness of it.

Our culture of pain avoidance

It's sad to think of someone as talented, charismatic and brilliant as Heath Ledger dealing with so much pain. And its even more painful to realize he was supported in this by doctors and "friends" encouraging this coping mechanism.

Avoiding pain does not make it go away. Facing our pain head on with support from those who love us is the only way through it. It's the human story isn't it? Perhaps this one thing could change everything in the world.

What is your coping mechanism?

Do you have demons you feel you have to cope with by medicating your way out of them? What is your "drug" of choice? Comment below, let me know what you think.

My Take on Britney Spears by Melody Brooke, MA, Author, Speaker, Relationship Coach

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:00:44 GMT

Britney Again

I know, like everyone, you are probably tired of hearing about this wayward prima-dona. But I can't resist talking about her again. I don't know what is going on with her care, but I seriously doubt anyone is giving her the king of care she really needs.

The Dark Defiant One

When you look at a phot like this one, you realized the girl has to be in a lot of pain. Look at her eyes. They are dark and defiant. What I see in those eyes is something I call a "Self Protector", a personality that is daring anyone to mess wit her. Then you see a photo like this one:

The Party Girl

This girl is something entirely different. This is a girl who is out to rescue herself from her pain. She is medicating the pain in the role of "Rescuer" to herself. She becomes the "party girl" to medicate the pain underneath.

Finally you just see her as the woeful waif underneath the pain.

The Innocent Waif

Seeing her in these three photos it's clear she has (at least) three separate ways of operating in the world. One as the defiant "Self Protector", second as the "Rescuer" "party girl", third as the "Victim" or injured waif.

Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Of course, we all have these inside us at different times don't we? Britney may be in a far more extreme display of these roles, she may be Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) as she has claimed (and I believe is fully possible). But the rest of us have these roles inside of us, too. We display these characteristics in smaller, more subtle ways, but they are there aren't they?

. Since 1996 I've studied DID from the likes of Dr. Collin Ross and Dr. Jerry Mungadze (he wrote the forward to Herschel Walker's book, "Breaking Free"). What I have learned is that while those suffering from DID have the clearly dissociated walls of alter egos, we all have the same type of separations with in us, as well. Oh, wow, this really changes everything doesn't it? When we see that the rest of us have these three separate ways of functioning in response to certain types of situations; it changes how we view ourselves and others. We just don't have it as distinctly separate as DID's do.

We are not so different

These separate ways of reacting to threat and fear are typical of how our automatic brain functions. Seeing them in Britney in these photos makes me feel even more strongly that she is DID, obviously I can't make that diagnosis since I have never met her, but boy, it sure looks like it from here.

Talk to me

What do you think? Is Britney suffering from DID? Is she just a spoiled brat? If you KNOW Britney personally, I'd particularly like your take. I know there are a lot of conflicting views on this young woman. I'd love to hear from you. Comment below.

Man Stomped Baby to Death a Monster?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 16:54:27 GMT

Monstrous Act

This morning CNN reported that a 21 year old father, Travis Mullis, turned himself in for the murder of his infant son. This was no ordinary murder. This young man, already a father of two (of whom he had relinquished parental rights), stomped in the child's head before throwing him off a bridge.

In 1987 I lost my own son to Sudden Infant Death. He was only two months old. The tragedy of this incident will never leave me, nor will the memory of my precious baby boy. By all reports, the young man had loved this child and not chosen to relinquish rights to this child as he had his other children.

What really happened to this man?

When a person flips in this way and does something this horrendous. This young man was adopted himself, and had a troubled adolescence. He has reportedly claimed to have bipolar disorder, though no evidence of this has yet to be uncovered. Just prior to the tragedy, he told a friend he was desperate to leave his live-in wife (the mother of the baby, Alijah). Then, in a related story, he is being investigated for "enticing a young girl".

What we know about Travis is that he was a troubled person. From the sounds of it, he had few friends, and little ability to connect with anyone. Obviously he had been able to connect with women enough to father some children, but he was completely unprepared to manage any kind of intimate or long term connection with anyone.

The real tragedy

The real tragedy here is not just that Alijah is dead, but that this man never had a chance himself. Who was ever there to care for this boy? Being adopted doesn't, of course, mean that he had no one in his life, yet there is no mention in any of the stories of his parents. I can tell you that if one of my children, (my twins are 22) had been involved in something like this I'd be at their side. The news would not have missed my involvement in my child's life.

Clearly this man had no such support from his adoptive parents. From presumedly an early age, this boy experienced the powerful rejection and abandonment from his birth parents. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not condemning the practice of adoption. But in my clinical experience, adopted children become insecure, anxious adults struggling to understand why they were "not good enough" for their birth parents to have kept them. Open adoptions have helped with this issue as it answers the multiple questions a child has about his birth parents reasons for relinquishing their child.

Travis was in need

Being a "troubled adolescent" indicates that this boy needed help and attention long before this tragedy. Why did no one notice or try to get him help? Where were his adoptive parents? If this boy had gotten what he needed in childhood, he would not have become the world renowned stomping murderer of an infant.

Travis knew he was in trouble but who did he have to turn to? In Texas we offer no real help for people in our public health system. Living in Texas if you have psychological issues you cannot get help through the Mental Health and Mental Retardation centers, because only the "severely mentally ill" can receive services.

Where is our empathy?

Where is our empathy for this young man's tragedy? Obviously, he was hurting desperately about his behavior or he would never have turned himself in to the police. He ran after the incident, undoubtedly in a panic and uncertain as to what to do. But then, over time, he realized he had to turn himself in to the police.

This is a young man who needs help, attention to his own early wounding, and most likely, medication to help his mind begin to get put back together. As a culture, we need to take ownership of our own lacking in our responsiveness to the mentally ill. This man is clearly quite ill, and it's a tragedy that no one helped him even though he had been crying out or help at least since he was a teen.

Not a Villain, just a man

Travis Mullis is a tragic figure to me. What do you think? Is he a monster? Should we be able to find empathy for such horrific acts? Comment below and let me know what you think.