Saying Im Sorry Is Hard

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 07:29:08 GMT

Saying I’m sorry is hard, and it’s especially hard to say it to someone who we are pretty sure doesn’t trust anything we say. It can feel like an act of surrender and will give the other person power over you, or will open you up to the possibility of further attack. But would you rather be right than be in the relationship?

The person who feels you harmed them often badmouths you, and that makes it even harder to apologize. Once you have been labeled as a bad guy, your need for self protection increases and it’s really difficult to get those words out.

Admission of ownership or remorse can throw you into the victim corner and bring up feelings of shame.

Often, there is a very bad start when you try to make a verbal apology. The person you are apologizing to may say something like; "You should be sorry!” or "Too little too late", or "I've heard that one before", or "How do I know you won't do it again?" Reactive responses like these come from anger or hurt feelings, but its part of the process.

The words you choose really do make a difference. "I apologize for hurting you" is a lot easier to take than "I apologize if what I said seemed hurtful." And even that is not as strong as "I'm sorry I said you aren’t helping." Don’t qualify it with a “But you” or “But I”… it takes the power out of your apology.

When you are the type of person that tries very hard to do the right thing, to be considerate, and to be helpful, but your efforts to please have backfired - it's just a tremendous letdown to have hurt someone. Accepting that disappointment in yourself can be very difficult and apologizing requires overcoming your sense of shame.

What lies underneath is pride. I don’t mean selfish, arrogant pride; it’s the pride you take in who you are and what you do. Basically your self-esteem is at risk. So to admit that you’re wrong means that you’re admitting that you made a misstep, and that hurts your self-esteem.

Tips for getting an apology:
1. You are a lot more likely to get one if your rebuke conveys your belief in other person’s basic goodness.
2. Publicly chastising someone exposes them to even more humiliation, making an apology even more of a challenge.
3. If the person you want an apology from is someone you know takes pride in themselves, expect it to be hard, and try to make it safer for them by expressing your love or respect for them.

Tips for giving an apology:
1. Express understanding of the other person’s hurt feelings, and that you appreciate why they are angry. (Justifying your feelings will likely be interpreted as you missing the point of an apology.)
2. Communicating vulnerability can help, even if it’s hard to do.
3. Be as specific as you can about the mistake, and as clear as you can about your responsibility.
4. Allow the person time to think about your apology—the time they take may vary but the offended person has the right to determine how much time that should be.
5. Clearly request forgiveness but don't expect or demand it.

I’ve come to the conclusion that we are all very fragile beings. We may pretend we are not, we may even be pretty good at it, but we are. We also have wounds and unmet needs from our childhood that get played out in every relationship we have as adults, which makes our interactions way more complex than we realize.

Gracefully confronting someone with a wrong, and navigating an apology can be very tricky, and very painful. Recognizing the difficulty of the action while at the same time honoring our own need to hear it, is the trick.

Altering the Fear with Drugs; A Good Thing?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 18:57:57 GMT

An article came out on Times Online this week about how scientists have discovered a way to alter our experience of traumatic material with the use of drugs. The article addressed this issue as if it were a new idea, and that some might find the whole idea offensive. The news of the advantageous aspects of using Propranolol to reduce PTSD is not new. I recall hearing about it back in 2001, and there is an article online from Harvard Magazine from 2004.

Indeed it seems there is at least one person who thinks this is a bad idea. Paul McHugh, a psychiatrist at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland is as credible as sources can get; on paper. But when you start reading his works you realize what a yahoo he is in reality. In a recent paper he says, "It is my opinion that MPD is another behavioral disorder - a socially created artifact - in distressed people who are looking for help. The diagnosis and subsequent procedures for exploring MPD give them a coherent posture toward themselves and others as a particular kind of patient: "sick" certainly, "victim" possibly. This posture, if sustained, will obscure the real problems in their lives and render psychotherapy long, costly, and pointless. If the customary treatments of hysteria are provided, then we can expect that the multiple personality behaviors will be abandoned and proper rehabilitative attention can be given to the patient."

As if that weren't bad enough, in yet another article he denies the reality of the PTSD diagnosis itself. He says, "It might be expected that ‘traumatologists’ would be cautious in diagnosing a person as having PTSD upon realising that it lacks a specific aetiology and is possibly not a distinct syndrome."

So when this yahoo says, (of Propranolol) “If soldiers did something that ended up with children getting killed, do you want to give them beta-blockers so that they can do it again?” asks Paul McHugh, a psychiatrist at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland, and a member of the US President's Council on Bioethics. “Psychiatrists are once again marching in where angels fear to tread.” What possible credibility can this guy have?

He clearly thinks that all of the millions of practitioners who have come to recognize PTSD as the underlying cause of a multitude of neurosis are completely stupid, or just naive enough to believe the pain our clients are experiencing.

Regardless, it is clear that PTSD exists, and that we have to discover ways to prevent it, manage the symptoms, and reduce he suffering of the millions of people who have it. Propranolol seems to offer some remarkable benefits both for the long term after effects and for preventing the development of PTSD symptoms within a window of time after a traumatic event.

What do you think?

Oh WOW! - Fear

Saying Im Sorry Is Hard

Altering the Fear with Drugs; A Good Thing?