Really? Having Affairs at 40?

According to the Sydney Morning Herald, women re-discover sex at 40 and are prone to having affairs. Apparently, being in your 40's free's you from the old ideas about having to look a certain way or being overwhelmed by the need to have sex for security. 
As women of chidbearing age we have to look out for a male who can help us raise our children, but after 40 we are free to do as we like.
Okay, well, we will set aside the reality that women are having children at older and older ages for the sake of argument. This article speculates that increased testosterone dominance can play a role, since estrogen and oxytocin diminish as we get closer to menopause.

Do our bodies dictate what we do with our sex life?

Of couse, we have always heard that men are driven by their testosterone levels to behave in more sexual ways than most women, so there could be some truth in the theory.  But just because we feel the drive to have sex more, does that mean we have to abandon our husbands?  This article would suggest that our boring husbands are at fault and that it's because we choose to marry somene who was not the kind of guy we would ultimately find attractive in our 40's and our newly discovered passion.
This article quotes some woman for whom her husband is the last person she would want to have sex with. How sad for her, her kids and her husband.

What about the husbands?

We could write off the husbands as clueless, boring bums.  Or we could consider that perhaps these women are not communicating their needs and desires to their husbands in a way that could transform their marriage rather than stepping out. Yes, its more work, but in the long run its safer, and more satisfying. 
Recent studies show that great sex is dependant on emotional connection, even for men. In spite of our beliefs that men can separate sex from emotion, what really gets them going sexually is that emotional connection, just like with women! 
So what happens to these poor husbands when their wives unilatterally decide to go off and have an affair?
My guess is they sit at home unsatisfied.  This same arcticle claims men don't start having affairs until they are in their 50's.  To me this means men or more committed to their marriages than women! 

What's the alternative?

What if we could deliberately make the effort to improve our emotional connection with our partner, taking the steps to deepen the connection instead of cavalierly jumping off into affairs? How would that alter our national divorce rates? I'm guessing we could have some pretty powerful changes in those rates if people started re-assessing the possibilities within their current relationship rather than just letting it go because it's "boring".  It reminds me of a saying I heard when I was younger and taking a lot of workshops.  "You only get out of it what you put into it."  The same can surely be said for marriage.
As most women have difficulty saying what they want in the bedroom, it could be that sex has become boring because they haven't told their partners what is exciting for them.  My experience is that most men really desperately want to please their wives.

What turns us all ON

I recall watching an OPRAH where she had some sex therapist talking with a couple about their dwindling sex life.  She asked the woman what her fantasies were and they were about domination and his taking control.  She asked the husband what his were about and they were entirely about his wife being pleased. He wanted to watch her having sex with someone else so that he could see the pleasure on her face, because he didn't believe he could do that for her. How sad is that??? The bizarre part is that the therapist didn't even pick up on that fact that his desire was totally connected to his need to have her enjoying sex. 

When we can communicate with our mate what it is that turns us on, it excites them. When we show our pleasure to our partner, they get excited, which then turns us on.

This is a huge part of what it takes to make sex exciting and trully great.  It pisses me off when the media picks up on the stepping out but ignores the fact that these women are walking out on perfectly good husbands who probably desperately want to know what excites their wives. But because these women choose to step out rather than communicate their needs, they walk away from the person committed to them who loves them and is really there for them. 

Rather than stepping out step IN

I'm pleading with you women!  Stop seeing your husband as the problem and start recognizing that the problem is the relationship, and YOU are a part of that. You can begin by stopping the blame and step up and take responsibility for your part.  Learn how to have great sex with the man that loves you and has been there for you before you betray his devotion. If you try and it doesn't work, that's one thing, but if you just keep doing the same thing you've always done and the just give up, well... how sad for you both, and for your kids.