Eliot Spitzer’s Choices

Ashley Alexandra Dupre is only now 22.  Overnight she has become as famous as Monica Lewinski, but much prettier and less seedy.  Her now media frenzied experience with former governor Eliot Spitzer has gained her worldwide attention and undoubtedly removed her from ever having to touch another man for money.

Good guys and bad guys

We love good guys and bad guys don’t we? Is Eliot Spitzer a bad guy because he solicited sex from a young beauty? His wife is probably pretty upset, but why the rest of us should care what he did in the privacy of his own home in a situation of consensual sex is beyond my comprehension.  I can even understand why those who voted for him based on his professed morals might be angry with him; but did he do anything to betray his trust as governor? Did he do anything as awful as have sex with someone he had authority over (like a intern)? No. He didn’t and he didn’t lie about it. He didn’t take state funds to do it. I don’t see how this makes him culpable. Oh, except that it is against the law to solicit sex.  Wait, he didn’t solicit; he bought.  I guess that’s illegal, too.

But for the life of me I don’t understand why. 

The results of abuse

Ms Dupre is neither a victim nor the perpetrator in this scandal. She was doing her job.  Now, personally, I believe anyone participating in this profession has an untreated condition.  She even admits this is the case, so in some ways, she is a victim. She was, at least, as a child. When she was (if you believe her, and I do) molested as a child.  From my experience, her later vocations are consistent with those of someone who is an untreated survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

Unfortunately, when things come out in the media as they often do, it looks like she is using this as an excuse. Though I have not heard anything to say that she feels she needs one.  She is happy with who she is, she says, and has no shame about her behavior. I don’t think this is likely to be 100% true, but only time will tell. 

Dr. Laura’s take

Then of course, Dr. Laura blamed Eliot Spitzer’s wife for the problem, saying that if she had been taking care of him at home this wouldn’t have happened. Everyone has someone they blame. The public blames Eliot Spitzer himself, though undoubtedly there are plenty that blame Ms Dupre as well.  Blame doesn’t really explain what happened or provide us with understanding of the events. All blame does is incite people to take action against the perceived object of it’s focus.  We blame Eliot Spitzer so we force him to resign and throw legal charges at him.  We blame Ms Dupre and she faces charges herself. Oh, but then we have to blame Mrs. Spitzer, too. The public feels satisfied that all is right with the world.

Underlying dynamics

Taking a closer look at the dynamics underlying the triangle expose a different picture.  Like many fundamentalist Christian’s (and politicians) he is forced into a box.  If he is unhappy in his marriage he cannot act in his own best interest if he is to maintain his standing in the Christian community or in the public eye. Divorce marks you as a failure.  What if you are not getting your intimacy needs met? What are your options? Hiring an escort seems less appalling than soliciting from a bathroom stall. But either way you have more of a chance of getting what you need than if you do nothing. 

I don’t believe Mrs. Spitzer is to blame for what her husband chose to do.  But I do believe she had some responsibility in it, the same as any woman whose husband strays.  Their marital relationship was missing something. I’m not saying that is her fault; any more than it is his. I am saying that they both had equal responsibility in seeing to I that those issues are addressed.

But of course if you are supposed to be flawless (as a person in the public eye is believed to have to be) that makes it difficult to receive the help you need doesn’t it?

Ms Dupre’s only complicity is that she found a way to use the value she was taught she had as a child. Her perpetrator (whoever that was) taught that her value was as a sexual object.  She enjoyed feeling special and valuable to men because she never really got a sense that she was the brilliant beautiful person she is because of her abuse.  She chose to stay in the Victim role instead of getting help. Look at her hand, thee is an "X" mark on it. That's gang sign. It means she has been involved in someone's death. The girl has not had an easy life and the "Escort" service was undoubtedly the best thing that ever happened to her. 

Compassion changes everything

It changes everything when you stop looking for blame and look for a compassionate answer to what happens.  Discovering compassion as an alternative to the punitive response our media feeds on allows us to create a whole new way of looking at the world.

What do you think?

Is Eliot Spitzer a vile betrayer of our trust who should be punished or something else? Comment below.