Giving?

Over the past year I have been listening to a lot of people talk about the need for giving as a spiritual path. Authors are writing books, conducting lectures, even hosting radio shows. Oprah has introduced "The Big Give" game show where earnest competitors strive to be the one to give the most in a few days time.

Of course the injunction to give is not new by any stretch. For generations churches have implored us to give money and time to build the church and the churches services. For generations we have given, we have built churches and we have built foundations, charities, and funds to help those less fortunate.

And of course, Zig Zigler, who is now 81 years young has been saying “You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want.” since 1984. He's right, of course, because helping others builds trust and establishes ourselves as having value to the other person. When we have value to others we are more likely to get what we want.

What is Giving really about?

Helping others and giving to others feels good and ultimately lifts us out of our shame. It allows us to feel worthy and others appreciate us.

Of course, if we don't give, we are subtly (sometimes not so subtly) told we are takers and should be ashamed of ourselves. This shame hooks into an old sense of shame that we may have carried with us since childhood. So we give because we don't want to feel that shame. Then we give again because giving just lifts us temporarily out of the shame, it doesn't fix it. The cycle of feeling shame then giving then feeling shame and then giving never ends.

People who preach "Giving"

What I am tired of us people who preach giving and are takers themselves. Typically, this is the "preacher" who takes money for prayers that he never sees and lives in a multi-million dollar mansion. It's typical of "socialites" who raise money for charities and pay for their designer clothes with the funds they collect.

The hypocrisy of it irks me, but I do have compassion for them. I know they are doing the best they can, because they themselves feel horrid about themselves. The only way their feel their lives have merit is if they obtain the financial and social status other's "giving" does for them. That really is very sad.

Oprah's Giving

We all love how much Oprah gives and we admire her delightfully refreshing attitude of giving that so few billionaires express. I love so much about her, but I also see her gaining weight again. She has expressed a knowledge that this is emotional and about her having not gotten to a place of self love. What I know is that if we are not fully in a place of self love then we are in the Victim place. Being in the Victim place means feeling shame and powerless, going into a Rescuer mode and giving to others can relieve that pain for a while. Of course, Oprah has so much money and so many resources she could spend the rest of her days giving, most of us would like to see that continue. Personally, I wish for her that she could look at what motivates her giving and deal with the unwarranted shame that is undoubtedly underneath.

Irony.

One of the ironies in all this clap trap about "giving" is the idea I have often heard preached that we Americans are "all about me" and "materialistic". Yet there is no other country that gives so much per capita as the United States. We give through our budget to provide foreign aid, we give through our churches, our corporations give, our foundations give, and individually we give more than any other nation in the world. Yet I continually hear about how focused we are on ourselves. We are a nation of Rescuer's in fact.

Does giving have to come from shame?

What if we got out of our shame and gave from an entirely different place? What would that look like? I don't think those slimy preachers would live so high on the hog. I think more money would actually go to helping people. We'd spend less time focusing on getting more for ourselves, too, because we would not feel the need to prove our value.Now that really does change everything.

Are you a Giver? Why?

I'd love to hear your thoughts about this pet peeve of mine. It is not fashionable right now to question this new "giving movement." But it's not the giving I have an issue with, it's why we do it, and who do we think we are judging those who don't choose to give as being "less than"? Shame builds upon shame when we do this to others. Its shame we don't deserve. Comment below.

As a note:

I give more than 30% of my fees to clients who cannot afford to pay their full fee. I don't give a lot to "charities" and I don't spend a lot of time wondering if I should give more. I give to these clients because it makes me feel good to see them get better. I have a lot more to say about the "giving movement" so check in later for more.