Gracefully confronting someone with a wrong, and navigating an apology can be very tricky, and very painful. Recognizing the difficulty of the action while at the same time honoring our own need to hear it, is the trick.

Christmas vacations and skiing with the entire crew is a fantastic adventure as well as as healing crucible.

Anorexia kills silently, and its not the ultimate cause of the death. Usually it's something that has been lingering below the surface for years.

Why do we have such a hard time imagining women as perverted sexual offenders? In our culture we are set up not to believe that women are capable of such horrors, but I think we are just as capable and just as frequent perpetrators as men.

Speaking hard truths is difficult, but even more difficult if we dont' do it in a compassionate way.

DISD Superintendent Michael Hinojosa has recommended laying off almost half of the School systems Counselors to solve the budget crisis. What are you kids going to do?

An unexpected summer guest leaves my family with an even more unexpected gift.

Talking to a group of teachers this morning made me think about some of the evolution of my teaching the Cycles of the Heart. It started with a "calling" at 13...

So many times we find ourselves believing we have no power. Sunday, Barrack Obama pled with black fathers to recognize they have the power to change and challenged them to take Ownership of their lives and families.

CPS may have gone in under the wrong precedent... but isn't having pregnant teens who say they are "married" (illegally) precedent enough? There may be no 'bad guys" but there are clearly some victims here. I have a better idea...

With three of my daughters graduating this year I have earned some bragging rights. How they got there was not always easy, they certainly had no charmed life.

Bizarre and horrific behaviors have rational and understandable roots. Most of us don't want to think so because it helps us see ourselves as so different. But how different are we?

Cults can brainwash members into believing the way the leaders want the members to believe, and yet the members are as much "Victims" as the children they end up hurting. How can we sort this out and have empathy for ALL the abused?

Cycles of abuse continue in a hundred year old culture. Are we really so different in ours? In what ways does our culture repeat the cycles?

Jamiel Shaw, Sr's son was shot down and yet he turns to the community with a message of compassion. Could you do the same? Is this the right response?

Wow. Its official. Expressing our anger helps us live longer. But does that mean it's okay to dump our rage on people?

"Potty Training" is what parents need, not kids. When we try to "train" our kids through manipulation or control what is it we get? Is the result what we really want?

How much do we need to establish our "authority" over a child anyway? If we think of a child as something we should have control over then we have no choice, but if we think of a child as a fully formed human being, it's different.

Discovery of nightmarish abuse in England brings to question whether this happens in the U.S. It has been uncovered here, but then swept under the rug. What happens when we set ourselves up to look for "the bad-guys"? Is that what they really are?

Empathy requires us to step out of our shoes to see things from another's eyes. Some of us do it too much, what happens then?

Good for Patty! She has overcome a horror that is surreal and now look at her. What makes personalities split like hers, like Herschel Walker and others?

Blame seems to have started this tragedy, and it appears to be the defenses case as well. What does blame do and why do we engage in it?

When someone does something this horrific how do we respond? Do we think of them as a monster and have no empathy? What really happened to this man?

Vets suffering from PTSD often return home in terrible shape and little support, resulting in abhorrent behavior. They attempt suicide, they beat their wives and their children, and are generally violent and angry. What happens if someone else has these behaviors? Could we consider that they may be in pain too?

Will someone please help this girl? Her behavior indicates someone in real trouble, most likely Dissociative Identity Disorder. What causes this and what needs to happen?

Is it okay to leave a child alone, even if everyone else does it. In Europe this is an accepted norm. We may find it odd, but it's normal there. Is "normal' what we should aspire to? What about the realities of what happens to a child as a result of our following the "norm"?

Disciplining our children is a real challenge. How much? What type? What works? Understanding what it is exactly that our kids need from us is key.

Regrets

My daughters were home for the past week or so. My oldest just married in August and she and her husband have been talking a lot about the ideas of having kids. In that process my oldest talked to me about her own upbringing and the many mistakes I made along the way. It was hard to hear. I know logically that it's impossible to raise our kids without wounding them, but hearing exactly how we did it is painful. More than anything, I regret that I was unable to put her needs ahead of mine. I was so focused on getting what I needed that I subjected her to circumstances that injured her. Listening to her talk I felt such enourmous empathy for what she had been through and deeply regretted putting her in those situations.

Empathy for Myself

Enough of my clients have dealt with parents unable to hear how they had damaged their children that I know my merely being able to hear how I wounded her was healing. The hard part was letting it in that even though I did things that hurt her, I was doing the best I could at the time. My wounding from my childhood had set me up to behave as I did. The entire time my children were growing up I was going to therapy and doing what I could to become a better mom and to make better choices. I am still working on making myself a better person. I'd like to be able to continue to parent with more wisdom and self understanding than I have had in the past. That I could not be more when I was younger is not my fault. I've done the best I can to be what my kids needed me to be.

That Doesn't Mean it Doesn't Hurt

My grief over the pain I have caused my kids is immeasurable, not because I feel guilty, but because I wish it had been different for them. They are so amazingly beautiful, brilliant and kind. What more could a mother ask for in a child? Yes, they have their flaws and work they will have to do on themselves, but I can't wait to see what they will become. Even though it hurts to know the pain they have been through, I trust them to go through their process of healing and do the best they can with what they were given, just like I did. Of course it hurts to know the pain they went through and that I had something to do with it. Yet, their path is their path. I know they are strong enough to work through what they need to work through.

I Can Be Here For Them

The beauty of having worked through so much stuff myself, is that now I can be there for them. I can listen to their pain and be available to hear their anger without blaming myself. Whew, it's hard work, but they are so worth it. Having forgiven myself for my mistakes and knowing that I did the best I could I can listen to how my mistakes affected them. I can apologize and offer them support for their pain.

I Can Be Proud of Myself

It makes me proud to know that I can be for them what most parents cannot do for their children. I can validate their pain and I can let them know that it was not okay that they were hurt the way they were. I can let them know what happened to them was not their fault and that I should have been able to protect them better. I can do that without blaming myself, because blaming myself would only focus on me and not focus on helping them deal with what occurred.

Can You Hear Your Kids Pain?

What can you do to get yourself in a place to be able to hear the damage you did to your kids? Ouch. It really hurts, but believe me when I tell you the rewards for doing the work are worth it. Let me know what is going on with you, how you managed to hear your kids or if it was too painful and you rejected what they had to say. I can understand that, too.

Santa has had many faces over the years. Find out how he came to be what he is now and if he really judges kids for being "naughty or nice".

 My Fox 4 Interview

My interview aired on Fox 4 news Tuesday, Dec. 18th.  The poll they took online had to have been way off of reality.  EVERY single person I have spoken with about this agrees that intimidating children through fear (of removing their Christmas joy) is a really bad thing and teaches children all the wrong things. 

Children believe what they are told. They believe that Santa can see everything they do and will judge them for it.  Granted there are still people out there that believe in a condemning God that will judge us on everything we do. A forgiving God who let our sins go with Jesus, of course let Christians, off the hook.  Isn’t this what Christmas is supposed to be celebrating? But kids, don’t get let off so easily.  Scared Straight Santa does not forgive.

Responses I have gotten from people who saw the interview:

“Okay, I have one more thing. I think the parents of the kids who got calls should REALLY not get presents under the tree. Desperate measures are necessary at times.

Now I am done!”

“Good for You! “

“I saw this at 5pm. I agree with you - very damaging. Its sad that parents feel like that is the only way they can get the behavior they want out of kids.”

“I have never heard the radio program, but you had a very good point in that he is ignorant as to why kids act out and threatening them is tantamount to bribing, extortion, whatever. It is not a fix for the problem. It is not Santa's job to parent, it's the parent's job! You certainly are in a position to speak, not only from a professional point-of-view, but you have raised three lovely kids.”

“Melody, I watched your interview on line at work and showed our play therapists who work with traumatized children every day. They were totally supportive of you and said they planned to go home and both "vote" and write to the station.

Kudos to you for stepping out on that limb. It is astonishing what people will do for entertainment. “

“It was a thrill to see you in the news segment of Channel 4.(they ran

it several times I think) what I loved about it is how well it was done-- and how you really shone as a beacon - for the advocacy of children.

First, the setting was wonderful- in your home-- with your 3 daughters there-- gave you credibility as a Mom.

Plus, it was relaxed and real.

Then the reporter did a great job of giving you professional credibility-- with you book sitting up on the table and her saying you have written several books in this field.

Next, it was so natural the way you heard the radio segment and reacted to it. Eventually turning it off because of the way it affected the children on the phone- and then being such an advocate for those children that you stepped up and made a point to challenge what the DJ (Scary Santa) was doing every year. It was that old model of getting children to mind their parents by having "Scary Santa" threaten them with no toys for Christmas. And his defense of the premise was that they have done it as a "fun" segment for several years and no one has every complained.

Anyway, you looked gorgeous, you spoke with passion, conviction and reason and you made you point. Plus, you came across as a professional with key points for parents to consider and as a loving mom who cares about her children and all children.

I was so proud of you -- and of the station for featuring that segment -- you made a statement as a COACH about the value and worth of children. “

“I, too, saw the segment and you were awesome: Ginger pinpointed things that

I noticed, too. You made such a good presence and I liked having your family around, too. Thanks for standing up for children. My granddaughter (21) and

I saw it together and she was impressed by your stepping out to express your opinion. “

“You looked good and sounded credible. The risk on these kinds of things is that they edit away and broadcast something out of context making the interviewee look like an idiot. I guess everything you said was on target and there was no choice but to make you a credible professional. They even "summarized" your comments at the end quite well I thought. Good job for speaking out on something that meant a lot to you. “

“You got my vote, Melody! “

“You got my vote! I totally agree with you . . . unfortunately, we live in a society uneducated about the paralyzing effects of our emotional fears that are often formed before we even start school. Then we each continue to stuff our emotional baggage that shows up in every relationship we have: work, play, family, friends. Thank you for raising awareness! “

“I watched the interview and whole heartily agree with you. The fact that the radio station and Zazza think it's ok, does not mean that the act of scaring or threatening children is appropriate behavior for adults. You presented your side with strength and authority. I hope lots of people notified Fox 4 with support for you thinking, as I did. “

“I have never heard the radio program, but you had a very good point in that he is ignorant as to why kids act out and threatening them is tantamount to bribing, extortion, whatever. It is not a fix for the problem. It is not Santa's job to parent, it's the parent's job! You certainly are in a position to speak, not only from a professional point-of-view, but you have raised three lovely kids. “

Let me know what you think. 

I would like to start a campaign to end this nonsense throughout the country.  It’s a very bad idea and kids need to think of Christmas as a time of love and forgiveness, not condemnation

Why all the uproar?

I've read in the paper that the Catholics are up in arms over the release of the movie version of Philip Pullman's The Golden Compass, a children's fantasy book. I wonder if any of them have read the book? I read it a couple of years ago and found it to be a delightful adventure story full of powerful metaphors.

The possibility of the "Magisterium" an authoritarian organisation which restricts freedoms in order to impose its own systems of belief upon the populace representing the Catholic Church is what the uproar is about. But why? If you have read the book and are Catholic, how could you see a church you love as having these qualities? The authoritarian air of the "Magisterium" can represent any organization that has the goal or limiting personal freedoms.

Besides, there are many other movies and stories that specifically target the Catholic church much more directly. How about the Three Musketeers? Or, Joan of Arc? Or, Shogun? Or The Thornbirds? Perhaps it is just because the book and movie has children as it's primary audience?

The story revolves around Lyra a young girl of about 12 that was raised at what appears to be some sort of monastary. She is then captured by an illegal group of perverse individuals whose goal is to separate children from their souls (represented by a "daemon" animal that lives outside their bodies). The adventure ensues as Lyra escapes and works at rescuing the other chiildren in the grips of this group.

The Metaphors

Over the past twenty years I have worked with adults and adolescents that have been abused by parents and other authority figures that have done their level best to remove their souls. As children, they were subjected to all kinds of authoritarian rituals that reduceds them to soulless fractions of the self they were born into.

Through emotional and physical coercive techniques, authoritative parents and organizations of all sorts have required children to give up their SELF in order to not be beaten or even merely rejected. This is what the "Magisterium" represents, not the Catholic (or any other) Church.

I remember sitting in a doctors office waiting room when my kids were small. One mother had a two year old little boy who was sitting next to her. Every time this child wiggled, not misbehaved, but merely wiggled, the woman slapped his arm or his thigh. The little boy had obviously already lost his soul because he didn't even wimper or protest in any way.

Another mother I witnessed in grocery store. She had four children with her ranging in ages from about three to twelve. They were standing quietly all in a line behind her at the check out. I smiled at them and asked their mother how she did that (get her kids to be so cooperative). She looked at me with a steely, dead serious expression and said "You have to break their spirit." The woman appeared normal enough, but the comment sent chills down my spine.

That's what The Golden Compass is about. It's not about the Church. It's about any person or group of people who would attempt to force children (and of course, any of us) into losing our spirit.

Who are the "Bad Guys"?

The authoritarian figures in the story, and in our lives, are the real losers in the book and in life. They have lost their souls so completely as to not care about the emotional and spiritual life of human beings. One can only guess at the horrors that these people must have experienced to have lost their souls so completely.

Believing that there is no one who cares about us or that there is no value to our SELF is what causes us to lose our souls. Any of us who are subjected to these conditions over long enough a period, will lose our souls.

What does it mean to "lose our souls"?

Losing our souls is when we lose connection with our emotional and spiritual life. How much or our life requires us to give up our SELF?

The good news is that we can re-connect with our lost souls. We can re-connnect with our emotions and our spirit. It's not easy, but it is not only possible, its necessary for us to experience joy in our lives.

How do we re-connect with our souls?

Try the following for a few days and notice how different you feel about yourself and your life when you spend this time with your SELF

Take the time to breathe

LIsten to what your body is telling you

Put one hand over your heart and breathe air into your heart

Close your eyes and listen inside to whatever comes up

Do nothing to stop the feelings that arise

Listen to what your feelings are trying to tell you about you, about your life, about anything that is going on in your life.

Let me know what happens!

I'd love to hear about your experiences as you move toward re-connecting with your emotions. What problems come up for you? What felt good about it?

Tony Zazza's "Scared Straight Santa" is abusive to kids. Has anyone else noticed this? Find out how this abuse affects the kids he targets.