Five mistakes we make when we talk about Rihanna and Chris
Brown's relationship.
Today on the newsweek site Raina Kelley's article, "Domestic Abuse Myths" appeared on the web. She is right is some ways, of course, there is a cycle that happens when abuse is taking place and both parties take part in it.  She is also correct in that no one should ever have to accept physical abuse from another person and the "Injured Party" has to get help. 

It's also interesting to note that while the larger the person is the more dmage they can do; there are plenty of cases of women being perpetrators of physical abuse to their spouses as well.  These cases to not result in arrests or taking pity on the injured party since they cannot do as much physical damage. Plus, men tend to get laughed at if they complain about a woman abusing them. But the dynamic of physical abuse happens to both men and women. It's just not "manly" to consider yourself as having been abused by a woman."

The thing is, there are five major mistakes when the media and others talk about what transpired between Chris Brown and Rihanna.


Mistake #1 Blame
Its easy to blame the perpetrator of abuse for the incident. Its easy to see them as the bad guy because they, clearly, were the ones that lost control and caused physical injury to the other person. But the reality is, both parties are always a part of the cycle and can and do learn to change from a posture of blame and fault to one of empathy and compassion. 

Mistake #2 Considering yourself a Victim
Both parties feel like Victims. When you consider yourself to be a "Victim" of someone else, and the world at large supports that position, you are powerless to do anything to change what is happening.  You are innocent and have no power in the situation.  That's what defines a victim isn't it?

Several years ago Oprah had a show on domestic violence perpetrators. She went to a facilty where men were being treated and given help for their behaviors.  Oprah could not comprehend how these men could possibly behave as they did.  One man, who had taken a frying pan to his wife's head, helped her understand. He told her that what happened is that he felt so out of control, so powerless in the situation that he felt driven to do what ever he had to do to make the pain and misery stop.  At that moment, Oprah got it.  She said, "Oh, it's just like me and food!". 

Rihanna, like other adults being abused, have the power and responsibility to learn from what is happening and take action to change. Chris Brown has the power and responsibilty to learn and take action to change.   But neither is really a Victim.

Mistake #3 Having No Empathy
Whether you are the person being beaten or the person doing the beating, when abuse occurs, it occurs in the absence of empathy.  Neither party has any understanding or empathy of the other person's pain.  Someone who strikes out in fear and pain by hitting someone else feels terrified and horribly alone. They feel as if the person who is supposed to love them and understand them has become their enemy by hurting them beyond tolerance. Of course, then the person they hit feels exactly the same way. But the person beaten is clearly the victim, right?

Learning to have empathy for the person doing the hitting is the only way to change the pattern.  This is not to say excusing the behavior, but it is to say having empathy for the pain and helping the person change. 

On the same Oprah episode, a woman who was in her second marriage and third abusive relationship spoke up.  She said (roughly), "I began to recognize that something that was going on had to have something to do with me.  This was my third relationship in which I was being hit.  I knew this man loved me, but something I was doing had to have something to do with what was going on. When I began to have empathy for what he was going through and how my behavior was impacting him, things began to change."

Mistake #4 Taking No Ownership
When we are in a conflict with someone else, the conflict will escalate out of control if one party refuses to take ownership of their part in the conflict. Ever had a conflict with a business? What makes us irrate is when no one in the company will acknowledge that we have been injured. 

In the past few years, hospitals have begun to implement a policy of telling patients who have been injured by malpractice or neglect that they are sorry this happened. The hospitals have recognized that by accepting responsibility they are much less likely to incur legal action if they accept responsibiity than if they do not. This goes against traditional legal views, but is in fact born out in actual statistics. Things do not escalate if when ownership is accepted.

Mistake #5 Not Respecting
When someone goes to the hospital with injuries, like Rihanna, or shows up with blackened eyes we assume they had no responsibilty in what occurred and they are incapable of having protected themselves.  This is remarkably disrepectful of the person.  Obviously Rihanna is substantially smaller than Chris Brown, and in an argument turned physical, he clearly has more physical power.  But that does not mean she was powerless. 

When we, as a culture, decide that someone is powerless, we remove any potential for them to behave in responsible ways for themselves.  The result is that we actually cripple them by encouraing them to see themselves as having no power or responsiibility in their situation.  Like the woman on Oprah, Rihanna has to learn how her behaviors impact the relationship and how she can shift her awareness to change the dynamic between the two of them.  Otherwise if its not Chris Brown the next time, it will be someone else. 

Simple Model Not Easy
This simple model, "The Cycles of the Heart" can transform how we experience conflict and our most intimate relationships. It can literally change everything in how we respond to ourselves and the world. But, while it is simple, it is not easy to do. It requires shifting how we have viewed ourselves and our world. It's no small task.

What Do You Think?
Have you been a victim of abuse? Have you perpetrated abuse? Do you think I am dead wrong or right on? Let me know. Comment below.