Arthur Aron,  a psychologist at Stony Brook, is said to have reported to the Sunday Times that “Traditional views of romance are that it drops off sharply in the first decade”.  But he goes on to say that for some people (10%) romance remains as acute after decades. 

Its for real!

“We are sure its real” Aron says.

Researchers at Stony Brook say they scanned the brains of couples that have been together for more than 20 years and then compared them to the brains of newer lovers. The results: 10% had the same level of chemical reactions when showed photos of their loved ones as those whose romance has just begun.

According to earlier research, romantic love fades after 15 months and is completely gone after 10 years! (according to the NY Times)

The real question

My question is: why is it that for 90% of us “love” fades so fast?

What erodes love so quickly? In my experience of working with couples over the past 20 years, its mainly because the “love” most of us start out with has little to do with the person we are “in love” with!  We have a whole slew of fantasies about what and who this person is that we have found. These fantasies only vaguely resemble the object of our “love”. 

The illusion

It is impossible to maintain “love” when the illusion that we have woven is broken down by reality. Now, that does not mean the person we picked is not lovable! It just means that what we thought we got is not what we actually got. Surprise, surprise, the person we picked because of our fantasies of who they are doesn’t usually turn out to be who we made up that they were!

Most of us are so desperate for love that we will pretend to have found it even when it is clearly not there.  Stalkers and “fans” are an extreme example. They have no idea who the object of their affection really is, its all made up in their own heads.

When we e discover our lover is not who we think they are we have let go of the illusion.

Disillusionment

The disillusionment stage is generally the phase in which most marriages start to dissolve. Having illusions about who and what someone is means we didn’t really know them in the first place. 

Once the illusion is gone we can begin to discover who they really are and here is the real surprise: just because they are not who we thought they were doesn’t mean we can’t love them!

The good news

A lot of pre-arranged marriages become quality, long lasting love affairs. Why is that? Because once we get right down to it, with the right ingredients of behavior and respect we are all loveable!

The good news is that this means we are not as awful as our disillusioned partner may think either. Being dis-illusioned means no longer being stuck in a fantasy. That is a good thing.  Let the disillusionment help you discover your lover, and your lover discover you. Whoa, I know it’s scary but truth really is better than fiction! And, it changes everything.

Comment

Have you suffered a disillusion of you lover? Have you discovered how amazing the real thing is? Do you agree with me or not? Let me know. Comment below.