Who is in Potty Training School?

Parents who need a potty training school have forgotten (or never known) the most essential aspect of being a parent: respect.  In our culture (as in many cultures) the idea of children having their own mind from day one is unthinkable. But asKahlil Gibran says “You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls”.

When we attempt to force our way of doing things on to them, we are setting ourselves up for a battle. I used to laugh when people would talk about “potty training” their child at the age of nine months.  It’s not the child being trained at that age: it’s the parent!

Power Battles

But one sure way to engage in a battle with your child is when you try to “make” them do something.  We may have more authority than kids but they have more power over themselves than we ever will.  What’s more, it is so disrespectful of their own human will to try to force them into any particular behavior. 

We can of course, terrorize them into doing what we want them to occasionally.  Being a bully parent, puffing ourselves up by intimidating our children into doing what we want them to can be satisfying to our need for a sense of control.  But all that does is create children who are afraid of us. Is that what we really want? I know that is never what I wanted.  I once worked with a young girl who ducked every time I made a large gesture with my arms.  Her mother had been such a bully to her she had created a very fearful child.

Using Force

I know most parents using physical force to control their children are not consciously attempting to bully their children, but that is the end result. What we are doing when we are in this mode is trying to regain a sense of equilibrium. We are desperately trying to regain a sense of having control in our lives.  When my kids were in elementary and junior high school I was working too much and having a hard time, a single mom, getting control of the condition of my home. On days when I was struggling financially, or personally with feeling out of control, the condition of my house would overwhelm me and in an attempt to regain a sense of control I’d start yelling at my girls.  Sometimes they would give me temporary appeasement for my tirades, but overall it did nothing to change the general mess of my home.

Our need for control

Having a child in diapers is a lot of work, and if the child is showing little or no interest in potty training we can begin to feel out of control.  For most of us feeling out of control triggers a sense of threat and we feel desperate to regain control.  And, of course, society tells us we “should” have our kids potty trained at a certain age.  So we respond to this need to regain control by trying to “make” our child do what we want. We might do this by coaxing, rewarding, bribing, or threatening; but it all has the same effect.  It makes our child more determined to do things in their own way.  Ever tried to get a child to give up a pacifier? A bottle? A blanket? Not going to happen.

Getting stuck in the Rescuer-Self-Protector-Victim Cycle

But why should we “make” them? When we try to force our agenda on a child all we do is make them angry or take away their sense of self.  We force them into a Victim role with our attempts to Rescue (manipulating them to do what we want) or Self-Protecting (physically forcing them).  The only choice they have, then, is to respond either as a Rescuer themselves (giving up their own needs for independence by giving into your manipulations) or becoming a Self-Protector and stubbornly fighting back. 

The importance of a sense of self

Whether our attempts at control work or not does not indicate we have done the right thing. Is the right thing if our child loses a sense of them self in the process?

When a child does not believe they have the right to express who they are and what they need to a adult they are much more likely to allow an adult to manipulate and abuse them in the form of sexual abuse, for example.  Believing they have no right to expressing themselves can lead them to think it is okay for other children to take advantage of them. It can create a child so dependent on the approval of others that they are unable to decide what they want or need for themselves. Is this what we want for our kids?

Change everything

Giving our children respect by not manipulating or forcing them to our will teaches them to respect others.  When we disrespect them, they will disrespect us.  My oldest daughter was a handful and she often had teachers (and a one stepfather) who would attempt to force or manipulate her to do what they wanted her to do.  She is now 27, this past Christmas I asked her why she listened to me and wouldn’t listen to them. Her answer was clear: “I had no respect for them”.  Then I asked her why she didn’t have respect for them. Her answer: “They didn’t respect me!”  Now, doesn’t that change everything?

Potty training misnomer

To begin with, “potty training” is a misnomer.  How can we “train” a child to do something they will do naturally as long as we don’t interfere with the process.  Kids want to be like the adults around them. They copy everything we do.  If we don’t try to “make” them do it; they will just naturally imitate us.  I’ve personally seen this happen with four children I’ve raised or helped raise. The key to “potty training” is to stay out of the way. It really is that simple.

A Caveat

Children who begin having “accidents” after displaying the ability to manage their bathroom skills are having some kind of emotional or physical problem.  Sometimes it is something as simple as the child is not getting enough attention.  Sometimes it is something more sinister like sexual abuse. Other times it is something physical causing the problem. Treating the child as though they were being “willful” by having accidents is inappropriate and possibly abusive to the child.  If your child is having this problem; consult a physician and then a psychologist if the doctor can find no physical problems.

You’re not the boss of me!

What do you think? Should your child be allowed to express his or her own views and needs even when they are inconvenient to us? Aren’t’ we supposed to be the authority in our own home? Tell me what you think. Comment below.