Madeleine's Left Alone!

In Europe, I understand, it's normal to leave your small child or infant alone in a room while you go out to dinner. A friend of mine told me that while she lived in Germany her friends would coax her to go out for dinner and leave her sleeping infant alone in her apartment. My friend was appalled by the idea. It amazed me that anyone would think that is okay. Well, I thought, cultures are different.

Still, it's difficult to imagine doing it, especially today when we know almost immediately every time someone snatches a child because of our media coverage.

Madeleine is a True Victim

I'm sure that Madelein's parent feel like a Victim of what occurred to their precious daughter. And, of course, they had no way of knowing that, on that particular night, their child would be stolen from them. Are they a Victim?

I don't think so. They do hold some of the responsibility in what occurred. A child is totally defenseless without a parent or other responsible adult to protect them. When horrible things happen to our children, whether we know about or not, we hold some responsibility.

The Difference Between Blame and Responsibility

Madeleine's parents are clearly not "to blame" for what happened to her. They couldn't know this was going to happen, yet because this innocent child was in their charge, they do hold some of the responsibility. This, of course, is the danger of not thinking about our actions.

As the Culture Does so We Do

So much of the time we do as our culture does. We don't think about the long term implications of what we are doing because "everybody does it". There was a time in our history when beating a child with a belt was an accepted, everyday form of child discipline. Now, most parents know this is an abhorrent thing to do to a child.

But if you have grown up in a family where that is normal then it is likely that it is what you will do. If it is normal, in the culture of your family to call a child names, to verbally yell obscenities at your child, then that is most likely what you will do. You don't even stop to think about the effects this has on your child.

Like Madeleine's parents, we have to stop and think about the importance of paying attention to what is responsible behavior, and separate that out from what is the "norm" for our culture. Just because everyone else does, doesn't make it okay.

It's Just Like Scared Straight Santa

It reminds me of the general reaction I had to the Scared Straight Santa complaint I made in December. Most people thought it was a reasonable thing to do to a child. Frightening a child into good behavior is apparently the "norm" in our culture.

Now, it doesn't threaten the life of our child the way leaving a child unattended for an hour or two does, but it is just as irresponsible. When we frighten a child into compliance we are setting them up to have problems later in life.

Why? Because when we care more about the child's behavior than we do about the child's emotional state we are communicating to the child that they don't matter. Ultimately, when a child learns to believe that they don't matter, they start believing that no one matters. The result of this is an adult who will possibly do virtually anything to another person because no one matters to them. This is how the murders on death row feel.

What's Your Opinion?

Does this make sense to you? Is the culturally accepted "norm" an appropriate way to parent our children? Tell me what you think.