Discipline? Is this really what we want?
Very cool. This weeks Newsweek had an article in it about child "discipline":
"Disciplining kids can be tricky. Parents try the old star chart, then scolding, punishing, maybe even a swat or two. Bad news: Alan Kazdin, the new president of the American Psychological Association, says none of it will help much. His new book, "The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child: With No Pills, No Therapy, No Contest of Wills," in stores this week, lays out a different approach. He spoke with NEWSWEEK'S Peg Tyre."
She goes on to say that Kazdin advocates that "good behavior needs to be practiced like a musical instrument". I am very happy that someone as esteemed as the president of the APA is coming out against old school ideas about "discipline". I agree with what was presented here, but I think there is much, much more.
What do kid really need?
The title of the article made me think of the daughter of a friend of mine. One afternoon I was visiting my friend and I heard her daughter talking in her bedroom as I walked by. I looked in to see this little girl of about 9 with all of her dolls lined up with their faces against the walls. This precious little girl was scolding all her dolls for being "bad". That incident really struck me as indicative of a problem with the more "gentle" discipline of sending the child to "sit in the corner".
Kids need most of all to know that their behavior makes a difference to us, their caregivers. They need to know that what they do has an impact and that we notice. Most of all they need to know that we care how they behave and that how they behave and what they feel, matters to us. Kids need our time, attention and our affection.
When we are unhappy with them, we let them know. This is not discipline as much as it is being human being.
Then, there is my son...
I have an amazing son, well, he's my step-son, but he's my son. I've been with him since he was four years old and we are bonded. He's mine.
A few years ago he started having some discipline problems at school and at home with his other Mom. One on one with me, we never had an incident. There was one time he spent a weekend with me and we had a deal. He was supposed to read a book asigned him at school, and he really didn't want to read it. He could read just fine, he just didn't care for it. That night we were planning to go to Chuck-E-Cheese. As the day wore on he had not read his book. His other Mom had gotten in big fights with him about it and offered him monetary or gifts as a reward if he complied. That is not my cup of tea.
I told him that if he still wanted to go to Chuck-E-Cheese then we'd go when he finished the book. Then, I walked away and went about my business. He finished the book within minutes. There was no bribing, no arguing. Just a simplel understanding between us that he had to fulfill the requirement before we'd go on with our day as planned.
Another time, he was planning on going for a bike ride with his Dad and I was to take him, and their bikes to meet his Dad at the park. When it came time to go, I couldn't find him anywhere. He showed up a few minutes later on his bike having returned from taking a quick ride without telling me. I was not happy with him. I told him I was disappointed in him and that I had expected more from him. I didn't punish him, and there was no fight.
Having a great relationship is key
Now, the key to this is that we have a great relationship. I listen to him, and he listens to me. We show each other that we care about each other through affection and spending time together. When he is upset I spend the time to listen to what he is feeling. When I am upset he gives me hugs and asks about what is going on. We have a real relationship. When you have respect and empathy for your child, then you are taking ownership of the relationship and discipline becomes a moot point.
What is really going on?
One thing I know for sure is that if a kid is acting out in any way, if they are a "discipline challenge" it is because something is going on with them. They are in need of some kind of help. Our job, as parents, and caregivers is to help them through it. That's hard when they can't tell you or don't really know. But our job is to key in to what is going on with them.
Treating your child as a second class citizen who should "mind their elders" no matter what sets them up to be abused and angry. Relating to the unique and wonderful little person you have the privilidge of spending time with is a whole different experience, both for you, and the child.
Tell me your "discipline" stories
How has parenting been for you? Have you tried different kinds of discipline and seen it work? I know there are a lot of strong advocates for strict discipline who swear by the results. I'd love to hear from you.
