Regrets

My daughters were home for the past week or so. My oldest just married in August and she and her husband have been talking a lot about the ideas of having kids. In that process my oldest talked to me about her own upbringing and the many mistakes I made along the way. It was hard to hear. I know logically that it's impossible to raise our kids without wounding them, but hearing exactly how we did it is painful. More than anything, I regret that I was unable to put her needs ahead of mine. I was so focused on getting what I needed that I subjected her to circumstances that injured her. Listening to her talk I felt such enourmous empathy for what she had been through and deeply regretted putting her in those situations.

Empathy for Myself

Enough of my clients have dealt with parents unable to hear how they had damaged their children that I know my merely being able to hear how I wounded her was healing. The hard part was letting it in that even though I did things that hurt her, I was doing the best I could at the time. My wounding from my childhood had set me up to behave as I did. The entire time my children were growing up I was going to therapy and doing what I could to become a better mom and to make better choices. I am still working on making myself a better person. I'd like to be able to continue to parent with more wisdom and self understanding than I have had in the past. That I could not be more when I was younger is not my fault. I've done the best I can to be what my kids needed me to be.

That Doesn't Mean it Doesn't Hurt

My grief over the pain I have caused my kids is immeasurable, not because I feel guilty, but because I wish it had been different for them. They are so amazingly beautiful, brilliant and kind. What more could a mother ask for in a child? Yes, they have their flaws and work they will have to do on themselves, but I can't wait to see what they will become. Even though it hurts to know the pain they have been through, I trust them to go through their process of healing and do the best they can with what they were given, just like I did. Of course it hurts to know the pain they went through and that I had something to do with it. Yet, their path is their path. I know they are strong enough to work through what they need to work through.

I Can Be Here For Them

The beauty of having worked through so much stuff myself, is that now I can be there for them. I can listen to their pain and be available to hear their anger without blaming myself. Whew, it's hard work, but they are so worth it. Having forgiven myself for my mistakes and knowing that I did the best I could I can listen to how my mistakes affected them. I can apologize and offer them support for their pain.

I Can Be Proud of Myself

It makes me proud to know that I can be for them what most parents cannot do for their children. I can validate their pain and I can let them know that it was not okay that they were hurt the way they were. I can let them know what happened to them was not their fault and that I should have been able to protect them better. I can do that without blaming myself, because blaming myself would only focus on me and not focus on helping them deal with what occurred.

Can You Hear Your Kids Pain?

What can you do to get yourself in a place to be able to hear the damage you did to your kids? Ouch. It really hurts, but believe me when I tell you the rewards for doing the work are worth it. Let me know what is going on with you, how you managed to hear your kids or if it was too painful and you rejected what they had to say. I can understand that, too.